Last year Wanda Bodine got drunk one night
and ordered the complete “Mysteries of the Unknown” from Time-Life Books, and ever since then she’s been predicting her Harmonious Heart Path. For a while, when we were back in the “Visions and Prophecies” book, Wanda would dangle a rock on a key chain and then ask it a question.
If the key chain rotated clockwise, it meant “Yes.” Counter-clockwise means “No.” This is how she ended up buying seven pairs of leopard-print high heels.
Then one month the “Portents in the Palm” book came in the mail, and for a long time I had to stick my hand out ever time I wanted a beer.
“Joe Bob, your Fate Line says you will remain active and intellectual all your life,” she’d tell me, “and so you’d better not SCREW IT UP by drinking a beer.”
And I told her, “The reason I have that lined permanently pressed in my hand is from squeezing thousands of beer cans around the tin ridge. It’s absolutely NECESSARY to my future that I have a beer.”
By then, I was starting to believe in this stuff.
Next came “Penmanship and Personality,” the one about how your handwriting reveals the secret to your soul. And so I wrote out the Gettysburg Address one night for Wanda, so she could analyze it, and after a while she said, “Joe Bob, you’re not in the book.”
And I said, “What do you MEAN, I’m not in the book? Everbody’s in the book.”
But she said there was nothing in the book about a person’s writing where every other letter slants in a different direction and every tenth letter is upside down. But there has GOT to be a meaning to stuff like that. That doesn’t just happen by ACCIDENT.
“Psychic Powers” showed up one day, and–here’s the really strange part–I had this PREMONITION that we were gonna get a book about psychic powers.
Also–you know, these things start adding up–Wanda had a premonition, too. She had a premonition that one day she would go out and buy seven purses to match her seven pairs of leopard-print high heels. And, sure enough, she DID.
But the one that takes the cake is “Numerology,” the one we just got. If you take the name “Joe Bob Briggs” and figure out the true numeric meaning of it, here’s what you get:
Soul Number: The essence of my soul is 3. I normally have 3 dollars stuffed way down in my pocket. I have 3 good tires on my car. I bum an average of 3 cigarettes a day. Three of my ex-wives still get money from me. These are things that only I could know about myself. Pretty amazing.
Outer Personality Number: The way others see me is 9. When I go to the drive-in bank, they have to yell over the intercom “Sir, may I help you?” exactly 9 times before I answer. When I play golf, my average score on each hole is 9. And, most incredible of all, I wear the same 9 shirts over and over again.
Path of Destiny Number: My future is 2. I will marry only 2 more women in my lifetime. I will be sued only 2 more times. I will begin a weight-training program and work up to 2 repetitions a day. And my great hope for the future is that someday I will bet the 2-2-2-2-2-2 Super-fecta “Pick Six” at Louisiana Downs race track and then I can retire.
There was a time when I would have LAUGHED at this stuff.
And speaking of clingy silk dresses–okay, okay, I can’t do it right EVERY week–Marilyn Chambers just crossed over from X-rated movies to legitimate film. For the fifth time. And the astounding result is “Party Incorporated,” the only movie ever made featuring not one but TWO torch songs sung by Marilyn, a guy having sex in a chicken suit, and a striptease number than goes on so long it puts you into a coma. (Striptease? Is this a trick? Are we re-entering the thirties?) Made by that famous director Chuck “Oh It’s THIS End of the Camera” Vincent, “Party Incorporated” sets the new modern record for registering a perfect 100 on the Sleaze Meter without ACTUALLY having ANYTHING sleazy in it. They just talk about it a lot.
Do you know the kind of movie I’m talking about, the kind where you just know that, two seconds after the director yells “Cut,” everbody says “Can we go home now?” These are some of the most uncomfortable people I’ve ever seen, and I think I’ve figured out the reason–THEY HAVE TO WEAR CLOTHES. They’re not used to it. It’s strange. It hurts. It cuts off the circulation. And they have to say things like “Would you get that phone, please,” when all they normally say is “No, touch me THERE.”
In other words, yet another R-rated movie made by X-rated people that looks like . . . er . . . well . . . an R-rated movie made by X-rated people. “Behind the Green Door” had more plot!
Also, one more thing. Marilyn, if you’re listening–most people wouldn’t be a good enough FRIEND to tell you this–do NOT take your clothes off on camera anymore. We have fond memories of you. Your body now looks like OUR bodies. And that is NOT a pretty sight. The black leather pants, great! The poufy blonde hair, outstanding! But no more nookie, please.
Okay, let’s look at those totals: Twenty-four breasts. One dead body. Three orgies (sort of). Female shave-cream wrestling. Three male strippers. Bimborama. Drive-In Academy Award nomination for Marilyn Chambers, for singing a song called “We’re Always Friends” in an empty office building atrium with a straight face; and Christina Veronica, for wearing a zebra-print bikini and for using the name “Christina Veronica.”
Joe Bob says check it out.