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B-Movie Reviews
Joe Bob Briggs

The Official Home of America's Drive-In Movie Critic Extraordinaire

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Advice to the Hopeless – May 6, 2015

Dear Joe Bob,

Hey, I recently saw you at the Alamo Drafthouse, in Yonkers, for a screening of “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” (1974), which you did an exceptional job presenting, and I was just wondering if you were doing any more public appearances this year, in or around the Northeast?

Thanks again, JB, and it was nice finally meeting you.

J.T.

 

Hey J.T.

Great to hear from you, and yes, I’m gonna start doing a regular series at Alamo Drafthouse/Yonkers. We’ll put the dates up for those screenings and for anywhere else I’m gonna be up on the website and on Facebook.

Preciate the support, bud. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you soon . . .

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Hey Joe Bob!

I saw your lecture at the Chattanooga Film Fest and it was incredible! Very fun and informative. As soon as I got home I had to look up the movie, “Drum” and check it out. Wow, what a film! I meant to ask you during the Q&A but there wasn’t much time, but what’s your thoughts on “Nail Gun Massacre”?

Nathan

 

Nathan,

I was at the premiere of the restored print of “Nail Gun Massacre” a few years back, and I met all the guys involved. It’s basically a weaker version of “The Tool Box Murders,” and not nearly as scary, but it’s good dirty fun.

Preciate you coming to the show. That was just about the warmest audience I’ve ever had.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Dear Joe Bob,

I have been hearing that there has been a resurgence of the drive-in. Is this because of nostalgia, hipsters getting into something because it is unpopular to the average public and considered ironic, or because the drive-in has learned to evolve to our changing world?

Lyle

Lyle,

Yes, you’re absolutely right, there’s a huge resurgence of interest in the drive-in, and as the economy improves we see many old drive-ins reopening and many new ones being built.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Hi Joe Bob,

Like many Mutants, I’m also a fan of the great Tom Waits. In his song “Diamonds On My Windshield,” he includes the following lyrics:

Orange Drive-in, Neon billing,

Theatre’s filling to the brim

With

Slave Girls and Hot Spur

And Bucket Full of Sin

I assume these last two lines are titles of drive-in movies, but I have only been able to track down one of them (I think). Could you identify these and maybe tell me a little about them?

Preciate it, JBB!

Dante

 

Dear Dante,

I’m pretty sure Tom made those up, but somebody should make a movie called “Bucket Full of Sin.”

 

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Hey Joe Bob,

I have been digging around and can’t seem to find those two quotes from the old Drive-In reports. Seemed best as I can remember you had one when a drive-in was restored and a different one when they got closed but always the same two quotes to cap off the segment. I have watched several of the old Monster Visions on YouTube and have just had the bad luck of picking out all videos with no drive-in report.

Have a great day Joe Bob!

David

Hi David,

Yes, the only two categories of drive-in reporting were…

Communist Alert!

and

Victory Over Communism!

Preciate the support, bud.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Joe Bob’s Advice to the Hopeless – Dec ’14

Dear Joe Bob, Thank you with all my heart.

I recently obtained an old copy of Joe Bob Goes to the Drive In and watched my niece go to tears laughing at your totally professional and fair imitation of someone who was not the anti-war, pro-art man you are. You were my once-a-week relief in the 80’s when I was washing dishes in Austin and we would rush to buy out the Dallas newspaper (and there was only ONE Dallas newspaper then) to read your column aloud while we slaved in the kitchen heat. Thank you. Your writing in the 80’s was air conditioning to us in that slave hall. BTW, some guy in LA found a copy of Hells Angels Forever on tape and digitalized it. I bought it two weeks ago after searching 25 years on the alleged Internet…..and I thought I had hallucinated the movie ’cause no mention. Watched it several times over, compared your review in JBGTTM and have to concede….you were unduly unfair to these obvious humanitarians.

You should be ashamed!

Paul

Hey Paul–

Thanks for the great memories. One of which is the Hell’s Angels sending an “enforcer” to mess me up when I was late for the introduction of “Hell’s Angels Forever” at the Inwood Theater in Dallas.

Preciate the nice words! Hang in there, Joe Bob


Hey Joe Bob! I’m a big fan of yours! Were you in the movie “The Trial of Lee Harvey Oswald”? In the TV movie The Trial of Lee Harvey Oswald at around 1:56 the actor playing the guy who carpooled with Lee Harvey Oswald and saw Lee with the brown package of “curtain rods”is that you ? It sounds just like you but doesn’t look much like you? Matt

Matt, You’re talking about the two-night miniseries from 1977, but you may not know there was a movie with the same title, made in Dallas in 1964 by the late great Larry Buchanan. At any rate, I wasn’t in either of them. I was in Dallas in 1977 but I was a feature reporter for the Dallas Times-Herald and had no idea I would ever try acting. Preciate the nice words, bud. Hang in there, Joe Bob

Hi Joe Bob, In your commentary on “Incredibly Strange Creatures…!!?, you wanted to know what Madam Estrella and Ortega were doing with their hands (in a scene following the stabbing of the Barker and Stella). They were mixing acid with glass beakers. I realize someone has probably answered this question before but just in case they have not, I thought I would put in my two cents. Your fan, James Clay James– At last I can sleep at night! Thanks a lot, bud.

That’s a while back that I did that commentary. Preciate the support.

Hang in there, Joe Bob

Joe Bob, I have heard that there may be a remake of the classic movie:”curse of the demon.” Have you heard anything about this? If so, please send me an e mail with full details. One of my comments appeared in one of your columns years ago in the d.t.h. Robert

Robert–

I’m not a fan of remakes but I can see why whoever has the rights is choosing that one in 2014. Paranormal is crazy popular right now. I’ll check into it and let you know. Preciate the support, bud.

Hang in there, Joe Bob

 

 

Dear Joe Bob, I recall reading in one of your articles a while ago that the imposition of Daylight Savings Time was an effort by the studios and big movie theaters to cripple the Drive-Ins. I also saw the documentary on PBS which asserted the same thing. Sounds good to me. The problem is, that some of the skeptics here demand that I back up my opinions with facts, and I cannot find any reference to the relationship between DST and the death of the Drive-Ins. When you get a minute, could you help me out here by pointing me to a source of information regarding how The Man went after the Drive-In by changing the time every Spring?

George

Dear George,

Daylight Savings Time was instituted in the United States toward the end of the drive-in’s heyday, namely, 1967, with the result that a lot of triple-feature venues had to become double features, and some drive-ins had June and July start times of 9 p.m. or later. Obviously this was not good for business, and the owners started holding barbecues and instituting other attractions like miniature golf to get families to come earlier. Then in 1973 the feds ordered mandatory year-round DST, so the southern drive-ins that had shows in the winter had to deal with it 365 days a year. Fortunately that only lasted a year. By then most drive-ins had turned to porn just to survive.

There were a lot of contributing factors–the rise of the multiplex, the decline of Detroit gas guzzlers and the rise of Japanese rice rockets, and, yes, DST was one of them–but the drive-ins that managed to last to the mid-eighties are mostly still in business today.

Preciate the support, bud. Hang in there, Joe Bob

 


Advice to the Hopeless 3/24/14

Joe Bob,

I’m interested in what you think about the evolution of the drive-in. A couple of months ago, I saw “The Outsiders” up in Silver Spring, at the AFI’s theater and there’s that great scene set in the drive-in in Tulsa. It made me think about this topic again, how drive-ins
used to be rowdy places, and that kind of went out of style. The ones that have survived are great, but, overall, seem to be a real wholesome, family kind of atmosphere. Seems like the end of an era, or at least a real change. Curious what you think.

Cheers!

Jason

Jason,

Drive-ins have always gone back and forth between seedy teenage hangouts and family attractions. The yin and the yang of them existed in 1954 as surely as it does today, and you will find drive-ins across America that are rife with rowdiness. You can find articles over the
past 50 years that start out, “It used to be a passion pit, but the local drive-in is more and more attracted to family fare these days . . .” and those articles are usually efforts by the owner to get rid of the rowdy teens. It was not uncommon in the fifties for a drive-in to have
drunks passed out in their cars on Saturday night, then a special Easter showing of “The Ten Commandments” on Sunday night. So it kind of goes with the territory.

Best,

Joe Bob

* * *

Dearest Joe:

Of the 3 billion websites out there, yours has got to be the coolest. Where might I go to find a watchable copy of the movie The Swinging Barmaids? I can’t seem to find it anywhere and have no idea where to look.

Is it even considered a B-movie, or just an older A-movie?

Peter

Peter,

The title “Swinging Barmaids” was used as a re-title on more than one movie released by Motion Picture Marketing, so you need to tell me which one you’re talking about. Some identifying feature. Maybe a
poster? And, yes, all of them were definitely B movies.

Preciate the nice words, bud.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

* * *

JOE BOB!!!

My profound statement is, and it might not be “profound” but it is definitely a good one, “A good friend will bail you out of jail but a true friend will be sitting beside you in jail and say DAMN THAT WAS FUN”

Love you!!!!! Miss you reading prison mail!!!

Nicole

Nicole,

First of all, I didn’t do it. Secondly, she’s lying. Third, I don’t own any weapon of the type in question. Fourth, that’s not my DNA.

Thanks for the nice words!

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

*  *  *  *

Hey Joe Bob

I been reading your book about going Back to the Drive-in recently because I didn’t have it until this past Christmas when my loverly girlfriend gave it to me. I already read your first book about going to the drive-in, and ever since I read your column in one of the finer
local newspapers back in the early 1990s I been telling everyone how much they been missing by not reading your stuff or watching you on the TV, but usually they just tell me to, “get the hell out of the store.”

Anyway, I wrote you back in 1998-or-so asking for info on a film about a guy with no legs that fought a guy with no arms, and you said it was Crippled Masters and that you’d play it on MonsterVision, if you did, I missed it… so now I’m just writing to let you know that I did end up buying a DVD of “Crippled Masters” back in 2004, so you don’t have to worry about that anymore.

Jon

Jon,

Well, since I’ve been waiting SIXTEEN YEARS for your review, tell me: how was it?

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

*  *  *

Hey Joe Bob!

I think you might have known my dad, Frank E. Griffis? He’s told me stories about you and, oh what’s that guy’s name, the one that wrote Texas Chainsaw Massacre, another West Texas guy…anyway. I grew up watching Monstervision and harassing old librarians trying to find whatever grummy, dog-chewed copies of your
books I could.

I don’t have any profundities off the top, just wanted to drop a line and say how much I appreciate the stuff you’ve put out there. Love your humor, and dangit, it was good information too. I hope you know how big of a cult following you have out there! We aren’t very vocal, or productive, or sober. But we’re there! Watching horrible movies and
wishing they were narrated by a certain good ol’ boy armed with vital statistics. Wish you the best, man.

Frank

Hey Frank,

Thanks for the nice words. I learned long ago that the movies are better when drunk.

Preciate the support.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

*  *  *

Joe Bob,

On MonsterVision, you once showed a film that was based on an epic Greek or Roman story. Seems it was based in the subways or something like that. You illustrated/diagrammed some of the plot on a blackboard or whiteboard or flip chart. What was the film and what epic story was it based on? Do you know the air date?

I thought you were brilliant.

Rita

Rita!

Thanks for remembering one of my favorite episodes. It may be the one time in my life that being a Classical Studies minor came in handy. The movie was “The Warriors,” directed by Walter Hill, who would go on to direct much more famous movies like “48 Hrs.,” “Streets of Fire” and “Brewster’s Millions.” Walter Hill may or may not have cared about the story’s classical origins, but the screenplay was based on a novel by Sol Yurick, and Yurick had used Xenophon’s account of the retreat of the Ten Thousand, as described in “Anabasis,” and transposed it onto a fable about New York gang territories. The conceit worked because the Ten Thousand was a band of Greek warriors who marched all the way to the Euphrates in 401 BC, where they were employed by Cyrus to fight against Artaxerxes. Even though they won the battle, Cyrus was killed and they ended up with no food, no supplies, and no leadership after all their generals were lured to a meeting and executed. They then had to fight their way back through every hostile territory between Babylon and the Black Sea before finding ships to take them home–a process that took two years and is considered one of the great “underdog” stories in military history. At any rate, the route of the Warriors in the movie began at Van Cortlandt Park in the Bronx, where their leader was killed, and ended after many fights later at their home turf of Coney Island. I used a 1960s New York subway map to chart their progress.

Much more information than you wanted, I’m sure!

All my best,

Joe Bob

Advice to the Hopeless December 7, 2013

Hey Joe Bob,

I recently had the dubious privilege of watching ‘The Stand’ for the first time in ten years and I had to ask my girlfriend to stop it so I could dredge up memories of MonsterVision. After looking around the site (I’m very glad you still do the advice to the hopeless, by the way) and googling, I’m shocked that there aren’t more full episodes of MonsterVision available (though your treatment of ‘Return of the Living Dead’ is out there on youtube, thankfully). Not only did you introduce me to a number of amazing movies I probably wouldn’t have seen otherwise (‘Motel Hell’ was a hell of an experience), but you provided a pretty great environment for me to find some other nerd friends (thanks for introducing me to IRC and forcing me to give a damn about computers, it worked out pretty well).

Anyway, to the point- I moved up to Seattle a while back and have been pretty impressed with the showing of cult movies at small, independent theaters. They even have guests show up to assist in either making fun of or otherwise officiating movies- like the Found Footage Festival guys or various actors from ‘The Room’ (if you could call that a movie). Do you ever do anything like that yourself, or have you considered it? I’m no demographer, but I’d hope/assume that there are more than enough fans of ‘good’ (bad) horror wandering around to make it worth your while- going to the theater to have a beer, burger, and listen to you introduce a good bad film would be a treat. Anyway, this probably isn’t the first time someone’s asked you to come into town for bad movies and beer, and it probably won’t be the last. Thanks again for sharing your enthusiasm for the kinds of films that may never be made again. If you’re ever in Seattle and want to cash in on some beer and maybe hit Central Cinema for a showing of ‘They Live!’, consider my schedule cleared.

– Greg

Hey Greg– I got close this past May. I was at the big Crypticon thing out by the airport, and while I was in town I did a presentation of “Pieces” at the Grand Cinema in downtown Tacoma. I didn’t realize at the time that SeaTac would pass the $15-an-hour minimum wage or I would have stayed there. Preciate the support, bud.

Hang in there, Joe Bob


Hey Joe Bob, I know you’ve probably gotten tons or e-mails asking the same question, but I was just wondering what your opinion of the Evil Dead remake was. Have you seen it, and if so, what did you think? PS: Have you ever been to Starlight Six Drive-In in Atlanta? Every Labor Day, they hold a dusk until dawn screening of classic B-movie fare. It would be awesome to have you as a guest of honor here this year!

Take care, Your friendly neighborhood Jimbo

Jimbo, I thought the Evil Dead remake was remarkably unemotional–I mean, it didn’t really do anything for me. All that money and so little edgy stuff. There’s was nothing obviously wrong with it. Well, there was one thing. How do you remake Evil Dead and leave out the Ash character? I mean, come on, man. Anyway, yes, I’ve been to the Labor Day festival at the Starlight Six. I can’t remember which year I was there, but they’ve never invited me back! Preciate the support, bud.

Hang in there, Joe Bob


Hey Joe Bob, I don’t have a question or anything, just wanted to tell you that I think you are awesome. Loved Monstervision. Hope to meet you at a convention some day.

Later, Kate

Hi Kate Thank you soooooo much for that sweet note. You’re awesome for taking the time to do that. I haven’t done any conventions since June but I’m sure I’ll be out there next year.

Hang in there, Joe Bob


Joe Bob,

I am curious about something. Did you, by any chance, work for Kelly Services back in 2000? I ask because I worked a temp job for Kelly Services at that time & the HR person who conducted the orientation for the temp job looked very very similar to you & he talked the exact same way that you do. Was that you or was it just coincidence. R.S.V.P. Thanks.

– Les

Wow, Les, That’s not the kind of email I get every day. I’ve known two girls named Kelly, but I never worked for them. The only jobs I can remember having in the year 2000 involved Talk magazine and a short-lived publication called Maximum Golf. Oh, and Playboy. Did Kelly work for Playboy?

Hang in there, Joe Bob



Joe Bob,

I’m on an Asian epic kick. Re-watched Hero, watched The Warlords. Looking for big sweeping epic Asian violence, preferably with satisfying action scenes and high body counts. Stumbled on War of Arrows at the video store. Bingo! Action that’s as exciting as any I’ve seen in a while. Body count? Check. Serious violence? Check. Predictable, yeah sorta. Epic? approaching it. Visceral joyride? Check. It’s fairly new, from 2011. I’d never heard of it but that doesn’t mean anything.

Pedro says check it out.

Hi Pedro, Are you the U.S. distributor????? Only kidding. Thanks for the tip, man. Asia is making a comeback, I can tell.

Hang in there, Joe Bob



Hello Joe Bob,

My name is Jamielee and I live in australia. I wholeheartedly support your efforts to preserve the drive-in theater which unfortunately Australia has very few of. I personally hope that there is still some around for the next generation to enjoy. Keep up the good work.

Jamielee

Jamielee, Thanks for those words of support. Some of the greatest drive-in movies of all time have been filmed in Australia, not to mention the weirdbeard favorite “Dead End Drive-In,” so I’m sorry to hear their numbers are declining.

Hang in there, Joe Bob

 

Advice to the Hopeless Feb ’13

Dear Joe Bob,

First off I’m a huge fan of yours growing up”Monstervision” was always a must see and your commentary was always hilarious to watch. This past Halloween on AMC they aired “Motel Hell” which I instantly remembered seeing first on “Monstervision” and it made me smile. However now that I am older (26) I’ve given up on horror movies since the foundation of them are almost repetitive just with different actors.

 

Anyways back to my question I’m addicted to Casino and since my brother had luck writing to you and getting a response I wanted to ask: During the filming what was the most meaningful to you working with the cast? Or being in a Martin Scorsese film? A response is definitely appreciated and hope to see more of you in the future. Take Care and God Bless.

Chris


Chris,

Everybody was nice to me on “Casino,” including DeNiro and Rickles, and I’m a fan of all those guys, but the highlight was discussing “The Honeymoon Killers” with Scorsese between takes. Actually it was a painful topic for him–he doesn’t like to talk about it–but he had some great insights about how it affected his career and then his early Corman movie in Arkansas.

Preciate the nice words and the support, man.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

 

*          *          *         *

 

Hey Joe Bob,

Any thoughts on publishing the post-Return to the Drive-In movie reviews? I’d love to see a complete 1991 and onward collection of the reviews. The first two collections are just great reading and I’d love to have the rest in a linear fashion.

Salutations,

Red

 

Red,

I’ve been talking about trying to line that up for years. Thanks for prodding me about it. Just too much on my pie plate.

Preciate the support, by the way.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob


 

*          *          *          *

 

Joe Bob, this is a love letter.

I’ve been a Joe Bob fan for many many years — my then-girlfriend-now-wife and I used to watch Monstervision while chatting on the internet years before it was popular, when we were still considered weird and creepy.

We have now been married for 9 years and have four beautiful children — sadly, none of them will ever get to see an episode of Monstervision! This is a tragedy, if I do say so myself.

Thankfully, I have a copy of ‘Iron Joe Bob’ that I’ve been holding on to since about 1996. This is one of the first books I ever legitimately laughed out loud at, thoroughly embarrassing myself in a crowded airport. I hope that some day my children will look at this strange paper object, marvel at the bizarre printing in it, and laugh as well. It is truly a classic.

Thank you for years of entertainment. The time is ripe for a return of Monstervision, though — seize the moment! Conquer the world!

Doug


P.S. The part of the book that generated the embarrassing snort-laughter in the airport was when Shirley ‘The Weasel’ Stoddard nearly beats Slats to death, thinking she’s caressing herself. I have spent the intervening years searching for the Terrell Institute for the Feebleminded.

 

Doug,

I can’t believe that you made the decision to reinforce your manhood by purchasing “Iron Joe Bob” and then you FAILED TO READ THE PART ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL. Four children in nine years? You’re approaching fertility records previously recorded only by breakaway Mormon sects in the panhandle of Idaho.

I do, however, feel that it is my duty to corrupt your brood, so I will be in touch with news of my top-secret exploitation venture, certain to go down in the annals of time-wasting history.

With my condolences, and my respect,

Joe Bob

 

*         *         *        *

Dear Joe Bob!

In my younger days, I would peruse the television during the late hours of night, and every once in a while, I would be lucky enough to catch MonsterVision back during your tenure. It was a great time in life, as I loved horror films, and it was a great way for me to stay entertained when I would be dropped off at my grandma’s for the weekend. It opened up doorways into what would evolve into my acquired taste of campy horror cinema. I thank you for hosting.

I wanted to ask a couple of questions about MonsterVision that never crossed my mind until last night, when I saw some “Fear Fest Horror Block” on the AMC channel and immediately had my mind flooded with all my classic memories of how MonsterVision made it better.

#1. Were your MonsterVision segments aired live? I caught a recorded segment on YouTube where you were hosting Friday the 13th Part VI, and they didn’t have any of your titles ready for your “Drive in Totals”. It made me wonder if you guys shot and aired it live. I think that would be fun.

#2. What were the sets like? Just seeing the horror movies on TV today, watching old recorded broadcasts of MonsterVision… It’s inspired me to kind of craft my own MonsterVision-inspired space at home, filled with lawn furniture, an old wood grain tube television, and perhaps an indoor setting with something reminiscent of your old sets. Looking at the videos of your time on MonsterVision, and other shows hosted by you, I can see you love what you do. You love these old movies. I’m sure it was a fun time working MonsterVision (before the not so “monster” movies were forced to air. If you were to offer any advice for set decoration or anything that may be appealing for such a thing, please share your thoughts! I have so many friends who would jump at the opportunity to re-live our childhood nights of watching some of the best horror films the 80s & 90s had to offer.

Joe Bob Briggs, thank you for taking the time to read this email. I wish one of these horror stations would approach you to host a new show. Everyone would win (in theory). You take care, and keep inspiring others out there like you have me!

Spencer

Spencer!

Are you telling me you’re gonna try to create the MonsterVision set at home? That’s awesome, man. The only thing that was permanent on that set was the Lazy Boy recliner, which always had steer horns on the back of it. Everything else was just little junk items we picked up over the years. As to doing the segments live, yes and no. I didn’t allow the director to do retakes because I wanted a live feel, so we probably did retakes on maybe one out of every 200 segments. The crew knew that if we made mistakes we were just gonna plough on through.

Preciate all the support, bud!

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Read More

Advice to the Hopeless Jan 2013

Dear J B,
I wuz reeding wun of yur reeviews about thu Great CHUCK NORRIS himself, where CN goes bak ‘n chopsockies a whole heapa bad guys whilst rescuin’ a whole heapa
kiddies an’ some wisecracker wuz sayin’ thut thu bad guy chopper shoots more rockets than it could carry! Well thut jes’ goes tu show thut them thar evil commies has lernt ta ree-load in mid-air! Ah hope
yer girlfrend Cherry Dilday is well.

Kindest reegards frum Oz (as in Oztraylee-ya),
Mark

Mark!
You’re bringing back painful memories. No, I don’t mean Big Chuck running through the Filipino jungle kung-fuing extras. I mean Cherry Dilday. God I miss those pretzel arms.
Preciate the support, bud.

Hang in there,
Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

I haven’t read your genius league writing since the Chronicle Pink Section dropped you like a red hot bullet. Or so it seemed. Here today. Outa here tomorrow. What is the deal about getting ahold of some of the old scravings from
the long ago, the early ninteties, when I could share them with my big-breasted lady and rejoice in the eupemisms you listed for tittays? Are they at large? Like my lady’s tittays?
I intend to keep on reaping the wisdom of your weirdness now that I have crossed paths with you once again. Blow my mind and reply forthwith. Great Gig, Griggs. I envy you.

Brian

Dear Brian,
Actually we had to discontinue the ultimate list of breast synonyms due to LAZYNESS on the part of my loyal public. It’s time to revive it, right?

Hang in there,
Joe Bob

Hey Joe Bob,
I’m a brain-damaged regular and I’d like to offer my assistance concerning one of your on-air queries during the screening of Jaws 2. You asked which guy was Billy Van Zant’s character “Bob” – he’s the guy with the life-jacket on! Is
that classic or what? Hahaha! He was one of the gang, also had a grey wool hat and maroon t-shirt. He said “Do you have to talk like that?” in response to his buddie’s ‘Sparrow comment. Also I think Roy
Scheider wasn’t electrocuted by the power cable because the raft was rubber, kinda like an insulator, or maybe it was just because he was Roy Scheider, hehe. Anyway, take ‘er easy and not too sleazy!

James

Dear James,

Thanks for doing that drive-in forensic investigation. We’ve all been waiting with bad breath all these years to find out what the hayull Billy was doing in that movie. We can finally get some sleep at night.

Hang in there,
Joe Bob


Howdy Joe Bob
I’m a professional writer and artist and B-Movie fanatic. Even have one movie I wrote to my credit – Carnies. At the moment I’m working on a weighty tome about cheesy B-Movies. WHY IS THE CHEESE MOVING –
Exploring the World of B-Movies. While it will, of course, have a ponderous list of movies, it is, after all about cheesy movies. That’s the theme. And, as I am a frustrated stand up, I, of course, want to
make the book fun and cheesy and entertaining as are the movies we B-Movie freaks love. As such, lots of sidebars and short articles covering areas maybe others have missed. In that spirit, I have a
question I haven’t been able to answer to my satisfaction, which you might know the answer to. Precisely, what B-Movie contains the largest number of bare breasts ever put on film outside of National Geographic
flicks? My vote, so far, is for The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak. I haven’t seen it since 1988, but I recall hundreds of topless Yik Yaks. However, you, as the world’s leading authority on
breastesses, may have a more definitive answer for me. This is a matter of some importance, of course, as, aside from some thirty or forty absolutely fake movies I plan to salt through the book (with a
list at the end, naturally. One has to play fair.) I want my facts to be as accurate as I can make them, accounting for whatever absurd lies I plan to tell lol. Just kidding. At any rate, I’m hoping this is one
of those bits of information so necessary for humanity’s health and well being may be in your possession.

Thank you so very much for your kindness and attention,
Ron

Ron,

If I’m not mistaken–and I very well could be–it’s “Gas Pump Girls,” mainly because there are so many shots of multiple nekkid women in a single scene. I actually saw the movie at the drive-in in the early
eighties, but I remember it being the record holder for a long time. You could also check out “Beach House.” Same thing.

Preciate the support, bud.

Hang in there,
Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

Several old cronies of mine and I recently convened for beer, burgers and bullstuff – and your column came up for discussion. I recall that there used to be five Bs in your rating scale – blood,
beasts, breasts, bullets and beheadings. These days I see that it’s mainly the first three on the list. Can you verify this for me. A six pack of great Mexican beer is
resting on your decision.

Many thanks!
Edwin

Edwin–

Your imagination has run off with your memory. There were always three B’s. Blood, breasts and beasts. Occasionally I would say “and Boots,” if the movie had Kung Fu, but I stopped saying it, because it
wasn’t a good B.

Preciate the memories, bud.

Hang in there,
Joe Bob

 

 

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Advice to the Hopeless Aug ’12

Dear Joe Bob

I got into a argument with my trappin buds Sted Owder and Dewey Makefish ( I include their names so that hopefully the proper humiliation level can be achieved when they are proven WRONG). You remember Lurch of the Addams Family?

I said he is definitely a zombie while Sted maintains he is a vampire. Dewey, always out in left field, is so sure Lurch was made up like the Frankenstein monster outta spare parts by Grandfather Addams. I knew we had to take this to the world expert on these matters, and once the $2.50 bet was down, we all agreed that only the great Joe Bob Briggs could be relied upon for the correct answer.

 

May the Drive-in never die! And if it does, may it always return from Death, like our pal Lurch musta!

Ever a fan,
Jay

Jay–

The grand prize goes to . . . DEWEY! Lurch is a version of the Frankenstein monster and was assembled from spare body parts. Only his heart is true Addams.

Preciate the nice words, bud.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Hey Joe Bob,

Have you ever thought of doing a podcast? I know they can be time consuming, but even if you only did one a month it would be pretty awesome.

Thanks,
Marty

Marty,

I know what you mean, but the idea of a podcast has never really gotten me that excited. Maybe you can talk me into it . . .

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Joe Bob,

Big fan from way back! Have three dozen weekend guides from Dallas Times Herald 1984/1985 in really good condition — any value to you? Hope you are well.

Lee

Lee,

Are you asking me whether there’s a point in time when the Dallas Times Herald Weekend Guide would become valuable on Antiques Roadshow? I
doubt it! Preciate the nice words, bud.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Joe Bob,

Thank god you’re still kickin ! I used to watch your tv stuff,and 11 yrs ago, I left Ca. , and moved to Bumfuk, Arkansas.My ex and i came here,trying to get away from all the b.s.,and it sorta worked out. After 1 yr here,we split up. She remarried and I got my freedom. We have joint custody of our son,and decided to stay.THERE ARE NO DRIVE-INS HERE! There’s one about 100miles from here. That’s it, but it’s too cold in winter. I miss working in ,and on films,but ,oh well……man ,I’m glad you’re still around !-Good to see you somewhere besides my vcr.

Richard

Richard,

You’ve got to EMBRACE the Farkleberry Spirit, man. I spent half my childhood in Arkansas and it’s largely responsible for what I became. Chug some Wiederkehr’s while wearing a hog hat, that always makes things better.

Preciate the support, man.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Hey Job Bob,

Been reading Job Bob goes to the Drive In and I been wondering what’s your take is on SciFi Channel releasing all this B Movie esq films? I realize they’re indoor bullstuff but most seem like they’d have been decent drive in films.

Sal

Sal,

Well, of the three B’s–Blood, Breasts and Beasts–SyFy only gives us one: BEASTS. No breasts at all and no blood to speak of. Who do they think they’re snookering?

Preciate the support, bud.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

Hello! I’ve been a fan of yours since your 1980’s show on cable! Obviously we’re both so old we don’t have time to waste so I should just cut to the chase – I loved your gathering of
movie hosts in 1991 and I wanted to make sure you were aware of my recent exclusive interview with movie host Randy Clower. He and Richard Malmos used to host the Texas 27 Film Vault late Saturday nights in your old Dallas stomping grounds so you may well remember the show.

Plus my blog is just weird enough to appeal to you I hope. As a minimum here’s a link to my Randy Clower interview.

http://glitternight.com/2011/12/22/randy-clower-balladeers-blog-interviews-a-movie-host-legend/

Ed

Dear Ed,

Thanks for sharing those memories. Ironically, we used to shoot “Joe Bob’s Drive-In Theater” at Channel 27 studios, the same place where Randy and Richard worked.

Preciate the support!

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

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Advice to the Hopeless July 18


Dear Joe Bob,

I really enjoyed your commentary on the “I Spit on your Grave” DVD.

When I first heard Siskel and Ebert describe it, I couldn’t believe it was truly a “pro-rape” film. When I finally saw it, it was clearly the contrary.

The stark simplicity and directness of Zarchi’s style worked very much in it’s favor.

I can’t help wondering what you think of the recent remake. It was a slicker production (and “artier”) but I found it incredibly hollow. The second half really is from the point of view of the attackers and the heroine becomes completely unsympathetic, reveling too much in the torture to the point where she even kidnaps the cop’s daughter and does god-knows-what to her. There’s ultimately a feeling of “everybody loses” in this version. Was that the point?

 

Kel

 

Kel,

I can’t really tell you what they were going for. I guess it’s just one of those stories that’s destined to be misunderstood. But I do agree that the remake was heartless.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Hey Joe Bob,

Is it possible that you attended the Random Acts of Kindness Sandwiches for the SoupMobile, making sandwiches for the homeless on July 2, 2011? If NO, someone was playing in the sign-in, making you famous once more.

You could look us up, and if you’re in Dallas at 10:30 this Saturday (every Saturday, actually) you could stop by and help feed the homeless.

I’m a great fan but lost track of you after your column in the newspaper disappeared, yo those many years ago.

Come see us or at least post on our facebook:
facebook/random acts of kindness & facebook/SoupMobile
http://www.meetup.com/randomacts/events/17512060/

LeAnne

 

LeAnne–

Well, it wasn’t me but it should have been! Sounds like you’ve got a great thing going there and I’ll spread the word.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Joe Bob Briggs.

Having lived in the Big Apple for 8 years a while back I loved this story.  You nailed it. Hey if there were more cyclists who knows the pollution might go down and people could start wearing clothes in COLORS, not  just black to match the smudges of street level exhaust. Ooooo.

Great job,
Sally

Sally,

Even if every person in Manhattan converted to the bicycle, there would be one Middle Eastern guy devoted to running us all down.

Preciate the nice words.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

Thanks for putting the proper perspective on the dang, dangling Weiner file. It was still in his pants, mostly. I challenge anyone , anywhere, to go to anybeach, world, and not find the hairiest grossest man who insists upon wearing the ballsack,tinycoldpenisshrink bathing suit. Better yet, turn me
loose in the Senate workout room alone , mirrored on all 4 sides with power to vote on women’s rights in Angola, and I’d be jackin-off too. Where to send the images is problematic, however.   If your name is Weiner, it has plagued you your whole life. And a Jewish boy must have to tell early what’s kosher or not. Life ain’t easy for anyone of us. Life it’s ownself usually settles down, but not out…………

Lee

Dear Lee,

You make an excellent point–namely, that with a name like that your whole life, THE SUBJECT IS GONNA COME UP, isn’t it?

Preciate the nice words, bud.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

I have read rumors that you own the rights to Monstervision. If true, would Monstervision be available in the near future via download or some other format? Thanks.

Mike.

Mike,

Well, I do have all the masters of all the MonsterVision programs, but of course I don’t own the rights to the movies. It’s a quandary. What would you suggest?

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

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Advise to the Hopess – May 19


Joe Bob,

Please check out our new(ish) video podcast Flying DVDs Of Death:

the only video podcast dedicated to the cinema of ass kicking. We say bad words and talk about kung fu movies (mainly… we talk about other movies that include ass kicking as an integral part of their plots, too).

You can find us at www.flyingdvdsofdeath.com or even subscribe to the show with iTunes. We come out on Wednesdays (ummm, that is new episodes are released). In our Halloween show, we even talked about your brilliant approach to movie criticism.

Hope you enjoy the show,
Michael
Horizon Monster Productions

Dear Michael,

Obviously you guys have the gift of bullshi . . . I mean, the gift of careful explication of the filmmaking process . . . so thanks for keeping that drive-in spirit alive, and thanks for the plug.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Greetings Mr. Briggs,


Consider me a big fan. Like many big fans, I’ve waited until now to reach out to you and tell you how much of a fan I am, because very soon in this email I’m going to ask you for a favor. It’s shitty the way that seems to work, and I’m no better a person for acknowledging the system, but regardless, I can honestly tell you I’ve been following your career since my old man and I used to watch you on Joe Bob’s Drive-In Theatre on TMC back in the early 90’s. You haven’t lost any of your edge since then, and I’m hoping I can see you on the tube again soon (or even on some internet-tube thing).

Anyway, without further adieu, I’m asking you to take eight minutes of your time to check out my short film, “Blood From A Stone.” It’s a quick throwback to fascist, right-wing 80’s action-comedy starring the closest approximation of Brian Bosworth (Stone Cold era) I could scrounge up for 300 bucks. If you don’t vehemently dislike it, and wouldn’t mind giving it some type of minor write-up on your site, that would be absolutely huge. Unfortunately the breast count is nil and the it’s a short film (which I’m not sure if you cover), but regardless, I think you might get a little kick out of it anyway. I’d really appreciate it if you took a look at it. Either way, though, as long as my selfish motives have caused me to send this email, I’d like to say thanks for all the insight and the laughs over the years and I look forward to more.

Here’s the link…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIR9kjPujtc

We had a decent festival run, which you can read about on the video page…

Thanks much,
Bill Palmer

Bill,

Ah yes, I was transported back to the golden days when scum-hating street-sweepers routinely cleaned up El Lay and New Yawk with one-liners and unlicensed weapons. You really know your stuff. I’ll spread the word and we’ll plug “Blood From A Stone” on my website. Thanks for sharing.

Preciate the nice words, too.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

Have you ever seen Pick-Up ?  Real 70’s piece of shit.  I just reviewed it here with my friend Randy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhDYjclTzMM

Eff

Eff,

Great job, man, you pretty much summed up all the principal psychedelic truth of the flick that, personally, I prefer over “Smokey and the Bandit,” which I do believe came out the same year. Thanks for sharing, I’ll tell the faithful.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

I’m the Giuseppe from Baltimore that commented on your Mountain Dew drink on Monstervision during the Friday The 13th moviethon that you did on that show. Please catch me up on things. How’s things going?

Giuseppe

Giuseppe,

Did you put that up on youtube or something? Things suck and they’re crappy, as usual. Thanks for asking.

Preciate the continuing support, bud.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Hey JB,


You don’t remember me but we use to email each other quite a bit about 20 years ago. Shit, time flies…. I lost track of you back then when my Life changed over night and I found myself quitting my job and moving to Arizona. I was talking with my partner at work tonight, we’re both fans of rather abstract movies, and I mentioned you to him. Turns out he’s a big fan of yours too. I just wanted to drop you a note to say I am really glad to see you’re still out there!!!

Keep ’em thinkin!!!!
Chris

Chris,

Thanks for reconnecting! It’s never too late!

And thanks for the nice words.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

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Advice to the Hopeless – March 13


Good evening Joe Bob,

Well, I don’t remember how many years it has been now since I used to stay up EVERY Saturday night and watch monster movies with you on TNT. Monstervision was the program I looked forward to every week and I miss it very much. The drive-in totals, the bug zapper light, the Monstervision Song (and I still remember every line), and who could forget those gorgeous mail girls with the legs that went on for days!

You just can’t find quality programming like that anymore. I found this great site of yours this evening and I hope all is going well for you these days, Joe Bob. Seeing you again through the website is like seeing an old friend again and it’s nice to be able to contact you here too. Anyway, I’m going to check out the site some more and see what you’ve been up to these days, have a great night!

Matt

Dear Matt,

 

Preciate the nice words, man. I was just in your town. How ironic. I was there for the Dark Carnival festival in November.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Hi Joe Bob,

Have never had any luck naming this film,, time to ask the expert. (you) The time was 1976/77 on the late-nite movie on WBZ ch4 Boston. Pretty sure the flic was b/w. Had some white hunters and a babe on safari in Africa. So they go into a village (are welcomed ok) to spend the night. After dinner ,i guess,, native dancing starts,, the white babe (was british looking if that helps)joins in the dancing,,starts to unbutton her blouse,,and out they pop !! I fell off my chair. I had never seen tities on TV before. Like i said ,,this was 1977,, long before cable tv !! Hope ya can track this down !!

Thanks,

Ed

Ed,

Are you telling me you saw garbonzas over the public airwaves during the Jimmy Carter administration. Are you sure you weren’t drinking too much Billy Beer?

I’m sure one of my fellow drive-in mutants will come up with the title…anyone?

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Greetings,

Sorry to bother you with a question that’s unlikely new for you, but since I haven’t found answers elsewhere: I miss your DVD commentaries! Will you be doing any more? They really lift my spirits like nothing else, especially the Steckler ones. Are you aware of this petition: http://www.petitiononline.com/jbb12345/ . No it may not be the tidal wave that got WB to rerelease Cruising, but it shows I’m not alone. 🙂

Sincerely,
Justin

Justin,

Thanks for showing me that. No, I didn’t know there were people clamoring for more commentaries. The original company I did the commentaries for, Elite Entertainment, is out of business. But I’ll look into it. I do enjoy it.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

Hi Joe Bob:

We Still Love You Here in Oakland CA, & Monstervision Forever.  1983’s Screwballs Was Better Than The Evil Dead Though.

Ken

Ken,

And it’s because of the performance of Linda Shayne, a/k/a Bootsie Goodhead, isn’t it? Never before in cinematic history . . .

Preciate the nice words, bud.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

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