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B-Movie Reviews
Joe Bob Briggs

The Official Home of America's Drive-In Movie Critic Extraordinaire

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Advice to the Hopeless – Sept 15th


Joe Bob,

Just read your new web stuff. talking about your week in review. March 29th You have a real connection and ..je ne sais que..understanding? mais oui? to our current atrocities in Iraq I gotta get your new book,.Profoundly Disturbing..where.. how much..will you sign it? Barnes and Noble? heheh And I remember when you used to get dissed as a male chauvinist.

 

Hang in there Hook ’em Horns:)

Eric Parish
Vista, CA

Dear Eric,

I AM a male chauvinist. Who’s been saying otherwise? I need to kick his ass.

 

Dear Joe Bob!

This is the first time I’ve wrote to a film critic with the intentions of revealing a bit of what he had otherwise talked about on a previous occasion.

In one of your Drive-In Reviews, “Chopper Chicks in Zombietown”, you’ve brought up about the closure of the “Miracle Mile Drive-In” in Toledo, Ohio which became “The Marketplace at Miracle Mile”, which you went on about how awful this was that some Commie bastards had to do so.

In case you might be interested, this drive-in was 2 miles from my house! I wish I was there, but I was too young to remember ever seeing a film there in the late ’70s/early ’80s (my older brother probably went there, bastard!). I’ve enclosed a pic I managed to find from another site of the drive-ins original marquee before the fire they had in the ’80s (they had another one afterwards, but never opened the theatre since).

The other couple, is the recent outcome of “The Marketplace at Miracle Mile”, which might prove the bitter irony of how time can really change everything!

Sad isn’t it! In a decade’s time, it’s reverted back to the state it was once in after the drive-in closed! They probably should’ve just kept it that way instead of building this big parking space and a few adjacent buildings that are just going to get demolished if a new tenant disapproves of them one day.

Then again, Toledo hasn’t really been much in the film-going experience for quite a number of decades now. I’m surprised we STILL have one drive-in left on the east side (Sundance Kid). I just wish it was like the old days and there used to be several of them left in my part of town.

So long for now!

From the Master of Car-too-nal Knowledge…
Christopher M. Sobieniak “
Fightin’ the Frizzies since 1978.”

Dear Christopher,

What, no historical marker memorializing the Miracle Mile?! I’m appalled. Yeah, that strip shopping center, or whatever it is, is downright UGLY.

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

Isn’t the American peace hand sign the same as the WWII victory sign, which is a combination of several obscene gestures in England?

Mike.Frink 
Plano TX

Dear Mike,

I was thinking the same thing (about the World War II “V for Victory” sign). It’s also the universal sign of an approaching tickle session used for 3-year-olds.

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

I just wanted to say that you are GOD to me, Joe Bob. I’ve been wanting to talk to you ever since I was a kid.

Tony Brown 
Ozark, AL

Dear Tony,

I’d be happy to claim the Godhead, but I’m afraid Rev. Moon might get upset.

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

I have a burning question that I’ve been asking most of the folks I know and no one seems to know the answer. You know a lot of stuff, so I thought I’d ask you… What is with people who forward email jokes, inspirational stories, and junk mail to all their friends? I get a steady stream of this crud from otherwise sensible folks that I know. This just makes no sense to me. It is JUNK mail. Why do they do it? Sometimes, I feel this overwhelming urge to take the latest Home Depot flyer that I get in my snail-mail box, scrawl a note on it that says “Thought you might be interested in this so I forwarded it along to you”, make about 30 Xerox copies of it, address ’em, and mail ’em to the homes of these guys who spam me with their junk email. People would think it was nuts to do something dim like that… so why does it seem alright to these same folks to do it with email?

Stay sharp, Joe Bob. These loons are all around us.

— -Clay 
“The sun is riz, the sun is set.. and here I is in Texas yet.”

Dear Clay,

Discourse is fleeting, but junk mail is forever.

Joe Bob

Joe Bob

I noticed joebobbriggs.com (www.joebobbriggs.com/list/hooterlist.txt) ranked #134 in Google for the keyword “big bra”. I also looked in Google to see how many links were pointing back to your site – The reason I took the time to research joebobbriggs.com’s linking structure is because Google and other engines use “link popularity” to determine how high to rank sites in their index… simply put, the more sites linked back to a site, the higher that site will rank in Google. (Google now controls over 80% of all searches done on the net.) Google doesn’t just analyze the number of sites linked to you, but they look at how relevant and “important’ the sites are that are linked to you. A relevant link from a site listed in Yahoo, for example, will be weighted much heavier than links from other sites (you can read more on how Google uses Link Pop to determine rank here: http://www.google.com/technology/index.html ) Given that our sites are relevant to each other, as well as how we can help each other out with Google.

I really think it makes sense for us to link to each other. I have a high quality website listed very high in Yahoo that would be a perfect fit for your site. Since my site is listed high in Yahoo, the link popularity your site will receive from my link will be weighted very heavily and your rank will surely increase in Google. The link you place on your site to me will help my site rank better in return.. I really think it would be in both our interests to link to each other’s sites. If you’re interested, please reply and let me know. I’ll send you all the info you need and I’ll get your info as well. Thanks for your time… I know that this will be worth your while.

Monica

Dear Monica,

Well, uh, okay, but I think you’re thinking about this stuff WAY too much. Gimme an idea what your site is exactly about. Do you have a big bra?

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

I’ve finally figured out why the world is going to Hell in a handbasket. Think back to the early 70s. The world was a happier place. Watergate hadn’t completely trashed our faith in the government (what little faith was left). The oil embargo hadn’t shown us how vulnerable we were to foreign interests, and TV commercials kept the world in balance. That’s right, TV commercials.

Remember the McDonalds commercials that had the full cast? It wasn’t just Grimace and the Hamburglar. It was also Mayor McCheese and Big Mac the cop. Yes, Big Mac the Cop. When you watch the commercials now you see the Hamburglar, but no Big Mac. We have crime, but no punishment. We have our yin, but no yang. Think about the influence that even a small action by a corporation the size of McDonalds can have. It’s this karmic imbalance that has put our world in the fix it’s in. The good news is, it’s all fixable. I say bring back Big Mac. Bring back Mayor McCheese. We need authority figures in our own personal playlands. Help us make it right Ronald.

Sam Lewis

Dear Sam,

Stop it, you’re making me weep with nostalgia.

Joe Bob

Hello Joe,

Longtime fan, first time emailer. I’m doing a movie radio show in March in NYC and want to play your song ‘We Are The Weird’- but can’t find the damn thing anywhere. Was it released (I remember seeing video clips on TV. Do you have a copy for sale, or know somewhere I can download it (of course I’d like you to get paid for it, so you can skim your aforementioned 35% off the top). Please HELP!

Rob Hauschild
Roselle, NJ

Dear Rob,

Well, bud, it was never actually recorded. It was just parody lyrics set to the tune of “We Are the World.” I performed it a couple of times on stage, but other than that . . . besides, it’s a “feel the love” kinda thing. You need an audience, so everyone can link arms and sway.

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

I am a real-life actual feminist, and I love you. My husband (all right, so already I’m kind of a crappy feminist by the modern definition because I MARRIED A MAN…I just can’t get past this quaint idea that feminism means that both men and women should be treated like humans) and I have been fans for years, and we just kind of accidentally happened across the DVD of “I Spit on Your Grave” with your running commentary. It was absolutely the best running commentary I have ever seen on a DVD, and I have suffered through a god-awful lot of them. Please, please, you must tell us all instantly if you get the green light to do another one.

And by the way, you completely sold me on “Spit” as a feminist film. I don’t think it glorifies rape one little bit. I spit on Andrea Dworkin.

Julie McCord

Dear Julie,

Feminist endorsements for me AND “I Spit”? Is the apocalypse near?

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

Hate to bug you with this, but it seems to be pretty damn obscure:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains”.

What the hell happened to this movie? I only saw it on USA Up All Night, long ago and late at night, but I thought it was pretty good, all things considered.  Did it just suck or what?

-Sandy

Sandy,

No, that was a pretty dang good movie, and it is famous in B movie circles for being the film debut of scream queen Debbie Rochon.

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

You may remember me from such emails as “A Simple Request From A Simple Fan” and “Tomato Soup Recipe”. I have emailed you twice in the past when I was putting together a Drive-In movie fan site. Well, because of my lack of determination and overall laziness, I have abandoned delusions of web site grandeur and I am now concentrating on the simple things.

Like for instance, raising 2 boys and feeding a screeching battle-axe of a wife. Not to mention the 60 hours a week I put in working for Dollar Tree Stores Inc., they’re the ones that offer all those Japanese crap toys and all those candles made in the shape of Tony Curtis that are molded in Thailand.

Anyway, I am requesting an autographed photo of yourself to be placed on top of the entertainment center directly above the TV. I realize, if I do receive the photo and place it in this location, that it will displace my 73 yr. old grandma Lila’s “Glamour Shots” photo of her with a big purple boa around her neck and will also make the photo of my Sister-In-Law Michelle an orphan. I have already found a home for the Sister-In-Law’s photo, she will go in the garage right next to my “Dawn Of The Dead” poster and just adjacent to the poster that simply says “Go Fuck Yourself”.

Grandma’s photo might be a little harder to re-locate but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make if you will have your personal assistant, business manager, make-up person, mailman or even yourself, Sign your name to a photo and send it my way.

Thanking you in advance even though odds are I will be cast aside because I am not a female ( which is understandable),

Paul Mcvay
Coal City, IL 60416

Dear Paul,

I’ll be happy to send a photo to further the higher cause of further wrecking your tenuous ties to your family.

Preciate the support, bud.

Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

I was wondering if you could help me out with a few questions that have poped into my brain. 1) how does one become a horror movie critic? 2) Does a movie critic make a good living? 3) whatever happened to monstervision? I know you have more important things to do than answer some wierd sixteen year-old’s questions, but I would greatly appreciate your answers. thanks.

Steve Nichols
Corpus Christi, TX

Dear Steve,

Actually I DON’T have anything better to do than answer weird questions from a 16-year-old, but thanks for giving me credit for being busy.

1. When I became a drive-in movie critic, the job description didn’t exist. I invented it and sneaked it into the newspaper.

2. Income? Surely you jest.

3. “MonsterVision” was cancelled by the ungrateful weasels at TNT.

4. Yes, I’m really from Texas.

Preciate the support, bud. Do me a favor and send me your postal mailing address so I can put you on my mailing list for the propaganda I occasionally send out. Among other things, I’ll be hitting the road pretty soon with my one-man show, and I want to drop you a line before I come busting through Texas.

Later gator,

Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob Report,

Cat Daddy Here. Trying To Get In Touch with Joe Bob to make a Correction.

The “Brawlin Broads” Video is “Pirated Material” stolen from several different “Crystalfilms Video Magazines”. The Boone Bros. were just radio personalities that agreed to sit on a couch and act like red necks and to host the stolen Catfight Material. Those guys had “Nothing” to do with finding those girls who fought in that video. Your giving them credit for doing all the work is a total inaccuracy. They were real fights done at Crystalfilms. For your info, the web address at Crystalfilms is: www.crystalfilms.com/

They have literally hundreds of “Authentic” catfights which you are giving the Boone Bros. credit for producing. Crystalfilms is part of a very large adult entertainment group who has taken the bootleggers to task for stealing their copyrighted material and marketing it as their own. Please give the proper credit to Crystalfilms as the people who originally found the wild catfighting women you are speaking of and for producing the fights for all afficianados of real catfighting.

Also, it wouldn’t hurt to let everyone know that the Boone Bros. video is pirated material. These are the kind of people that destroy the market by stealing other peoples material. Crystalfilms has been producing Real Catfights for over 20 years. They are friends of mine and I have been a customer for most of that time. Your correction of this inaccuracy in your review would be most appreciated, and might go a small ways towards correcting the wrong committed by the video pirates and the Unwitting Boone Bros. Thanks. I love your site by the way. It is very nicely done!

Cat Daddy.

Dear Cat Daddy,

Okay, bud, I’ll note the correction and let the people know where to go for their brawlin’ broads in the future.

Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob:

It is very hard to whip up war frenzy when writers such as yourself point out the sterling humanity in the next officially-designated enemy.

And when you list their accomplishments in the arena of human history you make it almost impossible for us to bomb them from 20000 feet with our laser-guided bombs.

Cease and desist injecting sanity into our war plans. We must have war because…because…well, just because…if we don’t go to war with third world countries, then we will get rusty!

Dennis Spain

Dear Dennis,

Get that man a uniform!

Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

The first animal to crawl up on land was probably an insect. Salamanders eat insects. They followed their food source, just like Republicans.

Mark Mulligan

Dear Mark,

Ah, but you’re not taking into consideration . . . water bugs! They go back and forth between water and land, wherever they’re least likely to get eaten, like Democrats.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

 

Dear Mr. John Bloom:

Why has Joe Bob been married off so many times? What made you decide to do that?

Keep up the great work! (Have you gone bald yet?)

Thanks, Susan Irving Maryland Heights, MO

Susan,

I just keep looking for that perfect ex-wife and haven’t found her yet.

Joe Bob

 

Dear Joe Bob

Whatever happened to that magnificently voluptous actress , Charlie Spradling ? She starred in some movies in the early 90’s (MERIDIAN, PUPPETMASTER 3 , MIRROR MIRROR , SLEEP WITH A VAMPIRE) then she quickly faded from view . The last I saw of her was in this sleazy movie CONVICT 972 – apparently she has stopped doing topless roles after the early 90’s . Is she still making movies ? Is she married ? Or is she dead ?

Those ‘perfect’ breasts of her’s can’t be real . . .

Chad Castagana

Dear Chad,

I know she did get married, but I can’t for the life of me remember which actor she married. Maybe someone out there will know.

Hang in there,

Joe Bob

(Editor’s note: She was a stripper for a bit. Then she married the guitar player for Pretty Boy Floyd. This info is from one of Charlie’s co-stars from the movie, SUMMER SCHOOL)

Hello Joe Bob,

This ain’t about book reviews, but rather your latest input into recent horror dvd titles. I was certainly happy to see you talkin’ your shit in the short documentary on Jason X. It brought back some great late-nite television memories for me. Anyway, now to my real question… I’ve read that on Elite’s upcoming disc of “I Spit on your Grave” your providing a commentary track right along side Meir Zarchi’s. I was just curious about how you approached this commentary. Will we get the good ole’ boy, tounge in cheek style we all love?, or did you approach the rather risque subject matter with a serious angle? And, will there be any more upcoming genre dvds that’ll be blessed with more of your input? I don’t speak alone when I say your missed in the genre. Your name gets mentioned in many horror/schlock message boards across the net, and quite frequently. With all of the totally jaw dropping things happening with the new home video format these days (a good example is I Spit on your Grave receiving a thx certification and dts sound) I think it’s safe to say hell has finially frozen over. Here’s to hoping they drag you along for some more contributions to these little miracles.

Take Care, Gunner

Dear Gunner,

Well, I had no idea I could talk for an hour and 40 minutes straight, but I did, so my commentary on “I Spit On Your Grave” is a few jokes, some scene-by-scene analysis, some review of the controversy–it’s just a big ole hodgepodge of stuff. And yes, I’m going to do more of these for Elite, based on their reaction to the first one.

Joe Bob

Hi Joe Bob,

I heard somewhere that I spit on your grave was based on a True Story. Is it? if so where can I find info on the real story. I am just currious about what in the movie is true and what happend to the girl after the movie ended. Did she go to jail? Just currious, I’m also looking forward to seeing the DVD with your commentary.

See ya 
Casey Corpier

Dear Casey,

“I Spit On Your Grave” was inspired by a true story, but the woman didn’t take revenge. Two years before shooting the movie, writer/director Meir Zarchi witnessed a woman who had just been raped, emerging from a park, and he and another man helped her to the hospital. It wasn’t in the country, but in the city, and it’s only importance was that Zarchi was stunned by the aftermath of the rape, and he determined to write a script that would show the true horror of it.

Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

It’s pretty bleak, isn’t it? Any financial advice?

– Maria from Odessa

Dear Maria,

Don’t buy stocks, don’t buy bonds, don’t buy mutual funds. Buy Euros.

Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

Thanks for the website. I’ve long enjoyed your work and was afraid that, after the demise of Monstervision, it would be completely inaccessible. I’m writing for two reasons. The main one is to suggest, as a destination for The Vegas Guy, the Lucky Chances Casino in Colma, California. You may have heard of Colma. It’s a small town of about 1200 people just south of San Francisco. In 1914 the mayor of San Francisco signed an ordinance, I believe, to remove all cemeteries from within the city limits of San Francisco, thus removing a public health risk and opening up land for development in the rapidly expanding city. After a delay of some years this was done and all of the cemeteries in the city, except two, were moved out of San Francisco to the town of Colma. Colma is the necropolis for San Francisco. In fact, for years, Colma had a law on the books forbidding development of businesses aside from cemeteries and supporting services (florists, stonecarvers, etc.). Recently, in 1992, I believe, the town passed a law allowing casinos as an exception to this policy. The Lucky Chances Casino is the only one that I know of so far. According to the web sources I’ve seen, it has a 43 table cardroom. I’ve read no men The history of Colma which I related above is being done from memory, so I apologize for any errors. The general outline is correct. The second reason I’m writing is to let you know of the Star-Lite Drive-In located here in Durham, North Carolina. You may already have it on your list. If not, you should know that they still do regular business. They show movies on the weekends in the warm months and have a flea market during the week. There is also a small video store and an even smaller gun store on the premises. It’s quite a place. I hope to see you there sometime. I hope this noted finds you hale and well. Thanks again for the good work.

Take care,

Shane Meeks
Durham, NC

Dear Shane,

I love that story about Colma. A casino surrounded by corpses–I’m there! I love the California card rooms. I’ve covered a few of them, including the oldest one–Normandie Casino in Gardena–but I’ve gotta get my hiney back out there and do some more. I’ll definitely put the Lucky Chances on my list.

And congratulations on keeping the drive-in alive in Durham. That’s great.

Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

Your show was awesome, what happened to it? You should co-host a show with Elvira and Michael Jackson and Freddy Krueger. You guys are the scariest…

Jeff T. Kane 
Forest Hills, NY

Dear Jeff,

Thanks for remembering those of us in Cancellation Land. Yes, that would indeed be a righteous show, but I’ve got another one I’m angling to get on the air first.

Joe Bob

 

Joe Bob,

Do u thing that u can teach me some of your tenor sax skills.???.Can u please teach me . i need u to touter me throught the internet,before i fail my music class.remeber!

i need your basic fingering lessons.i know that u are very good with i think everything or should i say ever pease of information. talk to me when u have time around or before 7:00 clock. ok my man. Thank you and have a good day.!! ok

The Dark Sage

Dear Dark,

Tenor sax lessons over the Internet? Okay, yes, I AM that good.

Joe Bob

 

Dear Joe Bob,

RE: Tom Gamboa item in the News

And the really bad thing is that he is one of the nicest guys in the leagues. He doesn’t swear, he doesn’t lose his temper and no on can ever remember him flipping ANYBODY off. So much for the bobo’s statement of what set them off. Hoping the doofus father gets to do jail time, I think the kid’s under ‘jailing’ age. Pity.

Paula Murray
Kansas City, MO

Dear Paula,

Well, rednecks will be rednecks. I agree that some pokey time is highly appropriate.

Joe Bob

 

Dear Joe Bob,

People like you should take more Viagra, watch more Brittany Spears on TV while repeating the words, ‘Down Boy!!’, and write Op-Ed opinions in the Washington Post supporting our President. An open mind is a terrible waste.

Billy-Bob Bhudda

Dear Billy-Bob,

There were 10,000 hippies in Central Park over the weekend, protesting the Iraq war plans, so maybe it’s no longer illegal to be a smartass. I’m hoping so.

Joe Bob

 

Howdy!

I’m seriously thinking about buying a bunch of cheap crap from “The Door” as well as subscribing, but I didn’t want to get videotapes if DVDs were in the works of stuff like “God Stuff”.

Will there be DVDs of these glorious moments?

Selah,

– Kevin Darbo
Apex, NC

Dear Kevin,

The industrious Door staff is about 10 weeks away from their first DVD release, entitled “Joe Bob on God,” a compilation of everything I’ve ever had to say on religious subjects over the years. But converting “God Stuff” to DVD is going to take a lot longer.

Yes, there will be DVDs, but you shouldn’t wait. Order now!

Joe Bob

 

JB,

My English/Spanish dictionary lists 3 entries: perra, ramera, and prostituta. Please use them wisely.

John Rush

Dear John,

Are you TRYING to get me in trouble?

Joe Bob

 

Dear Mr. Bloom,

Thanks for the piece on Bob Greene. Sure looks kinda like the Trib put him on the express train out of town.

Rick Campbell
Houston, TX

Dear Rick,

Yeah, it’s a strange one. Managing editors used to just fire people on moral grounds–he’s a drunk, he exposed himself in the park, whatever–but these people seem to want to make it an issue of journalistic principle. He didn’t just sleep with the girl, he endangered the entire journalistic integrity of the paper by doing it!

John Bloom

 

Dear Mr Bloom,

Congratulations on your recent UPI article “Smoke Screens”

It descrbes perfectly the anally retentive and twisted agenda of the anti-smoking zealots.

Sincerely

Barry McKay
General Manager
Pub and Bar Coalition of Canada

Dear Barry,

If it’s this bad down here, I shudder to think what you’re going through in Canada. I was once ordered to put out a cigar in a hotel bar in Toronto that was EMPTY.

John Bloom

 

Hi Joe,

Recently the USA network aired all 8 hours of the stand today. After your scene in the beginning as the sheriff, the other 7 hours and 58 minutes pretty much sucked. Are there any movies out there that you’re in that are a little less then 8 hours and give you a little more than 2 minutes on camera?

Emmett Morgan
Dallas, Texas

Dear Emmett,

No, it’s my job in every movie I’m in to be totally inconspicuous.

Joe Bob

 

Hey Joe Bob,

Joe Bob,

Last week I managed to get my hands on a copy of one of your Sleaziest Movies — “Bad Girls Go to Hell.” Wow. Pretty darn amazing. How many movies did you end up re-releasing, just so I know how many years I’ll have to spend looking for the rest?

A friend and I were talking about my pet chinchilla. We think someone should make a killer chinchilla movie. It sounds a bit “Night of the Lepus,” but while cute, chinchillas also resemble rats, so I think it could work. Plus, as far as I can tell, they never blink, which is creepy once you notice it. I think they might be robots.

Susan Tankersley, 
Gaithersburg, MD

Dear Susan,

I think chinchillas would make excellent horror fodder. Too bad Herschell Gordon Lewis is retired. The “Sleaziest Movies in the History of the World” series has about 25 titles, but good luck finding them!

Best,
Joe Bob

From: Linda Mountain RE: Meaning of life

Beer

Dear Linda,

I love a woman who has her priorities in order.

Hang in there, 
Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

It seems that now there is nothing but garbage on TV today. Since your show was taken off the air I watch 50% less television.

I liked the trailer park days the best, the best action movies were played. I am getting tired of all these punk sissy faggot movies that are always on now. THEY SUCK.

I hope things work out for you.

Peter Gregel 
Mentor, OH

Dear Pete,

Funny you should notice that. I also noticed that, after I went off the air, the overall quality of television declined by–yes, that’s about the right figure–50 per cent. So sad what’s happening to our culture.

Later gator, 
Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob:

“When Wal-Mart orders its standard polypropylene shopping bags for its stores, the standard order is 1,000,000,000,000 bags at a time. A cool TRILLION shopping bag.” That works out to 3,333 bags per U.S. citizen per order.

I find that hard to believe.

Best,
Stephen M. St. Onge 
Minneapolis, MN

Dear Stephen,

Do you find it odd that a U.S. citizen would visit Wal-mart 3,333 times per year? Obviously you don’t live in the South.

Later gator, 
Joe Bo
b

Dear Joe Bob,

I have few heroes in the journalism field but you’re definitely one.

You were an investigative reporter, a movie critic with your own audience and style, and a film actor. Screw Carl Bernstein or Dan Rather-not.

Send advice and please not the run-of-the-mill “get an internship” bla-bla-bla. My response to most advice I’ve solicited has been “They gave YOU a Pulitzer?”

LUIS CALVO 
Miami, FL

Dear Luis,

Okay, bud, here’s the only advice I ever give:

  1. Write every day.
  2. Get the money up front.
  3. Be proud if they fire you for anything except plagiarism.
  4. The first time you repeat yourself, quit the job.

Later gator, 
Joe Bob

Hi Joe Bob,

I wonder if you could help me. I’m an aspiring actress with natural talents. I’ve always thought my talents were adequate, but lately I’m getting the message that perhaps I should consider augmenting them. As an expert, I thought maybe you could give me your opinion on the history of the hooter in cinema – is bigger always better? Style and fashion is so fickle, in the 1920s women actually bound their talents, and a boyish figure was considered desirable. Could history repeat itself? Could actresses and women in general someday be valued for their other talents?

Nancy Caruso

Dear Nancy,

You haven’t been paying attention, hon. Enormous talents haven’t been in style since October 3, 1979, when Claudia Jennings, queen of the B movies, was killed in a car crash on the ghost strip of the Pacific Coast Highway. Everything since then has been lean and mean, and it can actually HURT your acting career to have oversized casabas.

I’m surprised I have to explain these things.

Later gator, 
Joe Bob

Hey Joe Bob,

A friend of mine works at a local strip club and said Mark Cuban came in there one time and spend $8,000 on one girl in one night. I could buy a lot of dvd’s for $8,000!

Keep up the good work.

Dymon Enlow 
Mesquite, TX

Dear Dymon,

Yes, but those DVD lapdances suck.

Later gator, 
Joe Bob

Joe Bob,

In your review of Texas Chain ( https://www.joebobbriggs.com/bmovieguide/t/texaschainsawmassacre.html) you speak of a “McCulloch stomach message”. I don’t think the old guy’s GI tract was trying to communicate; I suspect you meant that somebody else was trying to “massage” his digestive troubles away with a cutting bar. A different therapy altogether.

Sorry to have read your review so literally,

Michael Maahs 
Fort Worth, TX

Dear Mike,

What are you, a deconstructionist? Actually, now that I think about it, Leatherface was the ultimate deconstructionist, wasn’t he?

Later gator, 
Joe Bob

JB,

Latest study just came–1st cousins can marry with little risk of birth defects. Just thought you need to know

Peter Gee

Dear Peter,

I’ll tell Little Wilbur he’s not dyslexic anymore and that he can try for a GED on his 35th birthday.

Hang in there, 
Joe Bob

Hello,

I wonder if you’d mind defining the oft used expression on your site “aardvarking”

Thanks, 
Leah Gustavson 
Rocky Point NY

Dear Leah,

Oh my God, honey, if your mama didn’t tell you what aardvarking is, I would be afraid to.

Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

I am certainly ashamed to admit that I know this, but I’m afraid “Boogie Shoes” was recorded by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. To my knowledge, Kool and the Gang never recorded it. As I recall, it was, with the possible exception of “A Fifth of Beethoven”, the most annoying song on the “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack.

Randolph L. Peterson 
North Little Rock, AR

Dear Randy,

Oh no! I’m humiliated! Confusing Kool and the Gang with K.C. and the Sunshine Gang. That’s what happens when you alphabetize your funk collection.

Later gator, 
Joe Bob

I HAVE JUST VIEWED “I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE” a.k.a. “DAY OF THE WOMAN” WITH JOE BOB BRIGGS’ COMMENTARY.

MANY OF THE COMMENTS AND OBSERVATIONS JOE BOB MAKES ABOUT THE MOVIE REALIZE MY INTENTIONS, YET HE CONVEYS THEM WITH FAR MORE ELOQUENCE THAN I COULD HAVE.

HIS COMMENTARY STRIKES A PERFECT BALANCE BETWEEN HUMOR AND SERIOUSNESS; HIS KEEN PERCEPTION MADE ME THINK AND PONDER, WHILE HIS WITTY, AMUSING REMARKS OFTEN MADE ME BREAK INTO A HEARTY LAUGHTER.

I LOVE THIS MAN!

MEIR ZARCHI

PS: I WISH THE MOVIE WAS 4 HOURS LONG, SO I COULD’VE ENJOYED MORE OF JOE BOB’S ENGAGING COMMENTS. (DOGGONE IT, I SHOULD’VE HELD THOSE LONG, LINGERING SHOTS MUCH LONGER THAN HE WOULD’VE LIKED!)

Dear Meir,

That makes me very happy. As you know, I’ve always been a big fan of the film, and I hope this new DVD brings it the attention it’s always deserved. I assume you’ll be mailing complimentary copies to Andrea Dworkin and Susan Brownmiller.

Joe Bob

Mr. Briggs:

I, for one, do not think your article on the supposed Florida terrorists to be funny. We may never know if this was an error, a misguided joke that backfired, or some terrorist plot diverted. I personally suspect the misguided joke. However, it is not a situation to be made light of. How would you feel if the next time someone overhears what they believe to be a plot unfolding, say nothing, and it turns out to be real? The price of freedom may be vigilence but it appears the price of vigilence may be overreaction. On which side do you wish us to err? Assuming Eunice Stone heard what she believed she heard, her reaction was appropriate and she should be commended. Any overreaction was on the part of the authorities in their response. Considering the times maybe we should cut them a little slack even if they did appear a bit Keystone Copish. No one wants another September 11th, and no one wants to be the one that could haved stopped it but failed to act.

William Hofmeister

Dear Bill,

Thanks for the lecture on homeland security. I’ll be more suspicious about those Islamists ordering the Fiesta Mexicana Plate.

Hang in there, 
Joe Bob

 

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