Live CNN reports from Pakistan depicted a "high-value target" surrounded in a mud fortress near the Afghan border, with various intelligence officials identifying him as Ayman Al- Zawahiri, the number two man in Al Qaeda. After three days of fierce fighting, everybody said "Never mind, it's not Zawahiri, it's some Uzbek or Chechen guy." CNN, after checking the Q ratings on the words Uzbek and Chechen, returned to its regular programming. * Jim Caviezel, who plays Jesus in "The Passion of the Christ," was granted an audience with the Pope and received his blessing. Sources inside the Vatican said the Pope's only comment to Caviezel was, "Two hundred fifty million shekels, not too shabby." * So far the body count is two for audience members at "The Passion of the Christ." First Peggy Law Scott of Wichita, Kansas, had a heart attack during the crucifixion scene and died later in the hospital. Then Jose Geraldo Soares, a 43-year-old Presbyterian pastor in Minas Gerais, Brazil, suffered a heart attack and died on the spot about halfway through the film, with his entire congregation around him. Fortunately he already knew how the movie comes out. * Around 50,000 peace protesters marched in New York on the anniversary of the Iraq war. The best sign in the crowd was "Stop Mad Cowboy Disease." It was one of 250 demonstrations in various cities on the anniversary, and it was carried off with just four arrests--one for disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and "obstructing governmental administration," two for loitering and resisting arrest, and one for loitering. Our question: How can you loiter at a peace rally? Free the New York One! Free the New York One! * Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon ordered the assassination of Hamas leader Sheik Ahmed Yassin, an elderly paraplegic in a wheelchair, using an American-supplied Apache helicopter to fire three missiles at Yassin and his entourage, killing nine people including Yassin and wounding two of his sons. The next day Yassin's coffin, containing what was left of him, was carried through the streets by 300,000 angry Palestinians who vowed revenge against Sharon, Israel and anyone who helps Israel. Sharon's theory was apparently that cutting off the head of Hamas--some reports said this is literally what the missile did to Yassin--would be a step toward ending terrorism. We're sure that events will eventually prove him right, and that none of those 300,000 Palestinians will be competent to step into the role of the man in the wheelchair, and that those two wounded sons will henceforth live peaceful pro-Israeli lives. * Virgin Atlantic Airways unveiled its new executive clubhouse at Kennedy Airport, which includes pop-art urinals designed to resemble the shape of a mouth. The National Organization of Women denounced the urinals as "a symbolic act of degrading and humiliating women," to use the words of Rita Haley, president of NOW's New York chapter. So Virgin agreed to flush the urinals. After looking at them, our question is: How do they know it's a WOMAN's mouth? It could just be a guy with really red lips. * Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia refused to remove himself from a case involving his duck-hunting friend Dick Cheney. The Sierra Club is suing to get information about the energy task force led by Cheney. It took Scalia 21 pages of text to explain why he can be unbiased. In off the cuff remarks later, he added that Dick shoots a mean mallard. * The Federal Communications Commission fined Infinity Broadcasting $27,500 for a Howard Stern show that featured discussion of oral sex and "excretory organs," calling it "vulgar and lewd." They're doing this at least once a week now. On the day after the fine was announced, Stern tried to play a clip from "Oprah" in which a writer for O Magazine explains in graphic detail several popular sexual pastimes of teenagers, including oral and anal sex practices, using the slang terms for each. "If they fine me, they have to fine her," said Stern. "Can you imagine the headline 'Oprah Winfrey fined for indecency'?" When Stern tried to play the Oprah tape, though, the station manager put the rant on hold for 10 minutes and talked to Infinity lawyers, who turned down the request. They probably figured it would cost them another $27,500. * In other "dogpile on the deejay" news, Clear Channel Communications suspended Larry Wachs and Eric Von Haessler, better known as the "Regular Guys" on WKLS-FM in Washington, after they pre-recorded an interview with porn star Devinn Lane but inadventently left their microphones on during a commercial so that Lane could be heard describing sex acts. Supposedly they were taken off "pending an investigation." Let's see, how much time would be needed for an investigation in which you ask the engineer: Why was the mike left on? We imagine ten seconds would probably JUST ABOUT cover it. * Courtney Love was arrested during a performance at an East Village nightclub after she threw a microphone stand into the crowd, bloodying the head of Greg Burgett of London, Kentucky, according to police. Her night in jail followed a day in which she: a) bared her breasts in front of David Letterman during a taping of the "Late Show"; b) stopped at a Wendy's restaurant where she invited a bystander to kiss her breasts while fans took pictures; c) flashed her breasts at the Australian band Jet while they were performing at Irving Plaza, then demanded to go on stage with them, then sneered at promoters when they said no; and d) did a show at Plaid during which she constantly asked for Cristal champagne and whiskey between songs. The following night, fresh out of jail, she did another show at Plaid, and this time she fell hard onto freelance photographer Dara Kushner, who had to be taken out of the club on a stretcher. Courtney then patiently explained why she should be allowed to have custody of her 11-year-old daughter. * Utah banned execution by firing squad, on the basis that it's inhumane. Only if the squad can't shoot straight. * The Census Bureau released projections showing that, by the year 2050, there will be 103 million Hispanic-Americans (up from 36 million) and 33 million Asian-Americans (up from 11 million), with the numbers of non-Hispanic whites growing only slightly, from 196 million to 210 million. One statistic won't change: of the 420 million people living in America in 2050, 419 million will still claim to have a relative who came over on the Mayflower. * War profiteer Dick Cheney called combat veteran John Kerry a wimp soldier. * A man identified only as Pierre was jailed for three months in Montpellier, France, after he tried to run over a pedestrian. Pierre explained that he thought the man was Osama bin Laden. Apparently he'd also recently watched "Death Race 2000." * Officials in Daytona Beach, Florida, were fed up with vandals and drunk partygoers tearing up the town during spring break, so this year they placed signs on all the municipal trash cans reading "It's All About Respect." In one night, all 300 signs were stolen. They'll look cool in a dorm room. * Robert McKiernan of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, was busted for stealing Hostess Ho Ho's and Crumb Cakes from a barn at an Amish farm. He was ready to party, too. * Scenes from domestic life: * Air-conditioning repairman Andrew Gole of Hicksville, New York, met his wife Martha Isabel Moncada Mejia through a lonely- hearts ad in a Honduran newspaper, after which they married, settled in Hicksville, and had a son together in September 2002. But when they returned to Honduras on a trip, Martha decided she didn't want to go back to the states. After an argument in a Tegucigalpa hotel room, according to police, Gole killed his wife with his bare hands in front of their son and her 5-year-old son from a previous marriage, then hacked up her body with an ax and saw, placed the pieces in plastic bags, and dumped her on a road. Now dubbed "The Butcher of New York" by Honduran newspapers, Gole is unlikely to experience any air conditioning, repaired or unrepaired, for the next 40 years. * NASA scientists announced the discovery of a new planet in our solar system--Sedna, which is 1,200 miles in diameter and orbits the sun 2 billion miles beyond Pluto. Public school officials were furious. Do you know just how many of those little wire-coat-hanger mobiles have to be replaced now? * John A. Muhammad's brilliant defense in the D.C. sniper case--"It must have been some other dude"--petered out with Muhammad officially being sentenced to death. Now the appeals process begins, with Muhammad's lawyers expected to argue that the cat ate his alibi. * The body of Spalding Gray washed up out of the East River. The famously suicidal monologist who became famous for "Swimming to Cambodia" was apparently not swimming to Brooklyn. * Luciano Pavarotti returned to the Metropolitan Opera to sing "Tosca" after the fiasco of two years ago in which he canceled what were to be his two farewell performances, pleading the flu. Sixty-eight years old, larger than ever, plagued with vocal and other physical problems, forced to sit on stage as much as possible and to gulp water when he's not singing, the question on everyone's mind was: Could he still sing "Tosca"? The answer, according to critics: Uh, not really. But he received tumultuous curtain calls and showers of flowers for attempting to sing "Tosca" and sometimes pretending to sing "Tosca" in the concert hall that knows him best. He didn't have to come back--he could have quietly retired. It just may be that his cojones are bigger than his stomach. * In other fat opera news, Deborah Voigt was bounced from a production at the Royal Opera House in London because producers said she was too big to wear the cocktail dress in "Ariadne auf Naxos." What's ironic in this case is that "Ariadne auf Naxos" is the role that catapulted her to fame in the first place, when she did it 13 years ago at the Boston Lyric Opera and overnight became one of the top sopranos in the world. She's since played Ariadne in virtually every leading opera house, including the Met, and has even referred to her career as "Ariadne Inc." There has been a trend in recent years to get opera stars to slim down and look appropriate for the role--in 2002 Voigt had to drop 45 pounds to star in "Die Liebe der Dana" in Salzburg--but on the other hand, there's a reason that these people have huge otherworldly voices: they have huge otherwordly diaphragms to contain the voice. Use a little imagination, people, or just close your eyes--the lady is worth it. * Martha Stewart was found guilty of conspiracy, giving false statements, perjury and obstruction of justice--pretty much everything she was charged with--in a federal court in Manhattan, and in the minutes immediately after the verdict, lost $95 million as the price of her company plunged on the New York Stock Exchange. Now she faces up to 20 years in prison--experts think it will be no more than 18 months--and $1 million in fines. But it gets worse: three days later, she was ordered to give a urine sample to her probation officer. Even veteran Martha-watchers like us believe that the government is going a little overboard here, and the least they could do is order up a big platter of happy-face muffins. * Okay, let's have a show of hands. How many are already tired of "Bring it on!" as a) a headline, b) a political slogan, or c) a lame cliché? * Michael Jackson is holed up in a $125,000-a-month rental villa in Aspen with a 70-year-old Honduran herbalist named "Dr. Sebi" who's administering a treatment called "African Bio- Electric Cell Food Therapy" to cure Jackson of his addictions to Demerol and morphine. Everyone's happy to know Michael is getting back to normal. * John Kerry blew everybody else out of the water to become the Democratic nominee for President, setting up a Steel Cage Death Match for November: Texas vs. Massachusetts, with each candidate pretty much representing what both of those states stand for. We like to think of it as Beef Jerky vs. Lobster Bisque. * Jason West, Mayor of New Paltz, New York, and the latest guy to start marrying gay couples, was charged with 19 misdemeanors by officiating at ceremonies for couples who did not have marriage licenses. Message of the courts to the license-happy gay-marrying mayors: if you're gonna marry 'em, then you hear the divorce cases. Let's say you get married in San Francisco, but you want a divorce in North Dakota. They're not gonna hear the case there--but you have no way to establish residence in California without forcing your estranged partner to move there with you. (In recent years courts have been throwing out divorce cases when people clearly don't live there but are just trying to take advantage of more liberal divorce laws.) What do you do? You stay married. When you fall in love again, you presumably have a choice of becoming a bigamist or living in sin. You'd be better off if you'd lived in sin in the first place. Is anybody following this? * Babylonian astrologers predicted that the first day on which there will not be a gay marriage story in the news will be February 27, 2043. * Two Russian secret agents were indicted in Qatar for the car bomb killing of Zelimkhan Yandarbiyev, former president of Chechnya. In retaliation, Russia detained two members of the Qatari wrestling team who happened to be passing through Russia on their way to the Olympic trials in Serbia. Are you following this? Here, we'll sum it up: If you mess with our spies, we'll put a headlock on the first tourist we see. * A massive survey to compute the size of the American body-- funded by clothing companies, the military, and universities-- discovered that the average woman in the United States wears a size 14. (Average for women has always been considered to be size 8.) Men, who for years were thought of as "normal" at a size 40 regular (40-inch chest, 34-inch waist, 40-inch hip), have bumped up only slightly, to a size 42. Median weights are 144 for women, 176 for men. In other words, guys, it's true--the broads have pigged out on us. * Not that we're counting, but President Bush has now sent American troops to 12 foreign countries, the most recent in support of a coup d'etat. Lest we forget the 2000 election: we will not be the world's policeman, make no mistake about it. * In Reggio Emilia, Italy, it is now illegal to throw live lobsters into boiling water. You haven't lived till you've had lobster sushi. * As the Oscars were being handed out, Wesley Snipes was being arrested for refusing to submit to a paternity test. (Wonder if they sent a U.S. marshal to pick up the star of "U.S. Marshals"?) Lanise Pettis, a former coke addict and prostitute, claims her three-year-old son was conceived during sex with Snipes in a Chicago crack house in 2000. The fact that he twice refused the paternity test doesn't mean anything in and of itself, because, after all, it's hard to keep all those crack-addicted hookers straight in your head. * Harvard announced a new program to attract low-income students who can't afford to go there. It costs about $44,000 a year to attend Harvard, but you can just buy the sweatshirt at Wal-Mart for $11.99. * Scenes from domestic life: * Sheila Davalloo of Pleasantville, New York, handcuffed and blindfolded her husband Paul Christos, plunged a paring knife into his chest, then refused to call 911 despite his pleading. From the hospital, the husband said he doesn't want her charged but given mental-health treatment instead, because it was only a "game" to her. Pin the Blade on the Ventricle? * The deadline for completing the new constitution of Iraq came and went as the Governing Council continued to squabble about the wording. The current draft prologue reads, "We the people, and maybe the Kurds, and some of the Shiites . . ." * So what happened in Haiti? Hmmmmm, let's see. The elected president, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, was faced with rebel forces, most of them led by notorious murderers, that caused such chaos that the streets were full of crime, looting, carjackings and general anarchy. The United States, which believes (ahem) that all countries should have elected officials, said, "Well, we could solve this by just letting the rebels and anarchists win." Flee, Jean-Bertrand, flee! That last election, just forget that, okay? * Bill Gates edged out Warren Buffet in the annual Forbes Magazine "richest guys in the world" list. (If you're keeping score, the numbers were $46.6 billion to $42.9 billion.) Nobody else was even close, but eight of the top ten were Americans, including five members of the Walton family of Arkansas, heirs to the Wal-Mart empire. Making her debut on the list, at number 552, was J.K. Rowling, author of the "Harry Potter" books. The world now has 587 billionaires, up from 476 just a year ago, indicating that all those cost savings created by farming out jobs to teenage girls in India are definitely paying off. * Rosie O'Donnell was married to Kelli Carpenter at San Francisco City Hall in a ceremony presided over by lesbian city treasurer Susan Leal. The couple laid on a big kiss for the cameras, then strode hand in hand down the steps of the rotunda while being serenaded by the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus singing "Chapel of Love." They were about the 3,300th gay couple to get married since Mayor Gavin Newsom started handing out homosexual licenses--and why do we think this story is going to last for YEARS? * New York Times serial fiction writer Jayson Blair must have been really burning up the keyboard the last few months, because his book, "Burning Down My Master's House," is already in Barnes & Noble. (But in the fiction or the non-fiction section? We haven't checked.) The 300-page tome reveals his cocaine use, alcoholism, thoughts of suicide, trading sex for drugs, manic depression, and--oh yeah--turning in stories to the Times that were praised by his editors. "Some of my best stories were inspired by drug-fueled writing," he said. Then again, maybe it just makes a better story that way. * Jason Alexander, better known as George Costanza on "Seinfeld," went to one of the hottest spots in Israel to promote talks between artists and intellectuals. Arriving in Ramallah on the day of a major Israeli raid, he was stopped at a checkpoint and had to plead with soldiers to be admitted to the city. They let him in because he looked so miserable. * Britney Spears' "Toxic" went back into heavy rotation now that MTV has decided the post-Super-Bowl Puritan Era is over. They've also restored controversial videos by Blink 182 ("I Miss You"), Ludacris ("Splash Waterfalls"), and Maroon 5. Once again, nipples and crotches are in. * Howard Stern's morning show got yanked off six stations owned by Clear Channel Communications after a show featuring ex- Paris Hilton boyfriend Rick Salomon. (Remember the guy who made the Internet sex tape?) What's really strange about this one is that, after all the outrageous things Stern has said over the years, he was bounced because of the comments of . . . a caller! Some yahoo called in to ask Salomon if he ever had sex with "nigger" celebrities. What's Stern supposed to do, wash out the guy's mouth with soap? The suspension from six stations came exactly two days before Clear Channel CEO John Hogan went before Congress to defend radio against a proposed law that would tighten decency standards and jack up fines. Hmmmmmmmm, let's see. Even a two-year-old could connect THOSE dots. * The uproar over Janet Jackson's dual floppies and Justin Timberlake's hematoma-handling continues to follow the two nekkid-bazooma lovers. Jackson was supposed to play Lena Horne in an ABC movie about the legendary singer, but she won't now-- because Lena Horne herself says she won't. Timberlake is out as co-host of the Motown Records anniversary special, also on ABC. The pierced and bedizened hooter at the center of the firestorm is reported to be resting comfortably. * Twelve-year-old Justin Reyes of Belpre, Ohio, was suspended for three days for bringing the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue to school--odd, because there's very little nipple action this year. * All over America, gay guys were thinking, "Oh DAMN, he's gonna want me to MARRY him now." * Chinese officials claimed to have the biggest pig in the world--1,980 pounds, 8 feet 3 inches long, with a girth of 7 feet 3 inches and tusks 5 1/4 inches long. (Apparently it was a razorback.) Unfortunately, Peking Porky died. Researchers were doing an autopsy to find out why, but we already know: too damn big. * Lil' Kim, the hip hop minx who likes to perform sans panties, was attacked by Fox News moral crusader Bill O'Reilly, saying that Old Navy stores are undermining the morals of youth by signing her to an endorsement contract. Old Navy is probably more worried that she's undermining underwear sales. * Former major league umpire Al Clark pled guilty in federal court in Newark, New Jersey, to selling $40,000 worth of baseballs he claimed were part of historic games, when in fact they were just balls he had rubbed with mud and then put fake signatures on. This is the same ump who lost his job in 2001 after trading in his first-class plane tickets for economy seats, then pocketing the difference. At the time he was also being investigated for coercing players into signing balls, making the players think he would hold a grudge if they didn't satisfy him. Steeeeerike three. * A transvestite in Greenwich Village pummeled a cab driver with a stiletto heel after getting into the taxi, only to be told by the driver that he was "off duty." Enraged, the shemale pierced the cabbie's skull with the high heel, leaving him bleeding and paralyzed on his right side, with possible bone chips near his brain. From his hospital bed, Barow Ghosh told police that he was finishing a 12-hour shift and that the man dressed as a woman had gotten into the cab in spite of the "off duty" sign. Obviously his feet hurt. * Pennsylvania investigators released a list of sexual misconduct cases involving state troopers including: one trooper defecating on another trooper at a party (yes, apparently they call this sexual in Pennsylvania), the same trooper sticking a carrot in his butt then eating it, a trooper having sex with a drug dealer, a trooper having sex with a woman in a patrol car, a trooper shoving a girlfriend in the back and cutting her cheek, a trooper having an affair with a married woman, three troopers having sex with a narcotics informant, a trooper raping a woman at her home while on duty, two female cadets taking naked photos of another female cadet, a trooper physically abusing his wife, a trooper posing for naked photos at the 1999 Thunder in the Cascades bike rally, a trooper having sex while working the midnight shift, a trooper having sex with prostitutes employed by escort services, and troopers watching porno tapes while on duty- -presumably to get a vicarious sense of what all the other officers were doing. * Tyrone Henry of Tucson invited two teenage girls to his home to try out a new facial cream he said he was developing, called "White Dew." He showed them pictures of women with the gooey white substance on their faces, then told them he would need to blindfold them to apply the cream. He applied the cream, took photos, paid them $10 apiece, and got them to make a follow-up appointment. The girls, evidently not too bright, later thought better of the follow-up appointment, especially since they had noticed heavy breathing by Henry right before the application, so they went to the police. The jury said "Ewwwwwwwwwww." Seven years in prison. No report as to whether their complexions improved. * Scenes from domestic life: * God told Deanna L. Laney of Tyler, Texas, to beat her two sons to death with rocks. God then told the Sheriff to lock her up. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger came out strong against gay marriage, telling the city of San Francisco to stop handing out licenses to girlie-boys. * Barbie and Ken have split up after a 43-year relationship, according to Russell Arons, a vice president of marketing for Mattel. Making the announcement at the International Toy Fair in New York, Arons said that Barbie wanted her fans to know that they will remain the best of friends, and that during the recovery period Barbie will be at her Malibu beach house with close family and friends. Barbie is also shedding her old look for a new "Cali Girl style" (available in the stores this spring), said Arons. Meanwhile, Ken's publicist, Ken Sunshine (yes, that's his real name, and he's also a vp/marketing at Mattel), says that the breakup was by mutual agreement. "She's done fashion, entertainment and many careers," said Sunshine, "and Ken has been there for her. And now they feel it's time to spend some quality time--apart." Rumors at the toy fair were that Barbie will soon have a new boyfriend--an Australian hunk named Blaine--while Ken will go through a slow transformation during which he buys gaudy sports cars, trolls Internet dating sites (get the Ken Home Computer Module), sleeps with bimbos half his age, and gets a hair weave. * Two suicide bombers killed more than a hundred people, then guerrillas blasted their way into the main police station in Falluja, Iraq, killing more than 15 police officers and freeing dozens of prisoners. Fortunately that day is fast approaching when all Iraqi security is turned over to the Iraqis and all our soldiers go home, now that everything is perfectly stabilized. * Somebody bludgeoned to death 1,198 turkeys on a farm in Fountain Green, Utah. We're betting it was one of those PETA serial mercy killings. * Diana Ross pulled two days in the Greenwich, Connecticut, jail for a drunk-driving conviction in Tucson. Can anybody else do that? "Uh, yeah, judge, I realize I was driving drunk here in East St. Louis. If you don't mind, I'll report to the jail in Key West." * The island of Manhattan drawn to resemble a penis, with a condom draped over it, was deemed too much for the New York City subway system. The Gay Men's Health Crisis had purchased subway ad space for National Condom Week, but the Metropolitan Transit Authority approved, then disapproved, sort of like a morning- after pill. * San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom married 87 same-sex couples in defiance of California law, issuing marriage licenses that-- we're just guessing here--are the equivalent of a fake ID purchased at a carnival. * Massachusetts lawmakers spent the week fighting about the difference between gay marriage and same-sex civil unions as protesters on both sides of the issue massed outside the statehouse. Excuse us, but isn't this the state that was a) home of the Puritans, b) most Catholic place in America, and c) so moralistic the phrase "Banned in Boston" is shorthand for prudery? Yeah, we thought so. * The New York City Medical Examiner released records showing that diet guru Dr. Robert Atkins weighed 258 pounds at the time of his death, bolstering Mayor Michael Bloomberg's remark that the man was "fat" and that he didn't "believe that bullshit that he dropped dead slipping on the sidewalk." This will be a future episode on Court TV's "The Ravening Ghoul Files." * The FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force asked a judge to force Drake University to turn over the records of a student group that organized an antiwar protest last year, so the students can be dragged before a grand jury--and the judge said okay! The subpoena asks for all records relating to the local chapter of the National Lawyer's Guild, the organization that sponsored a November 15 forum. This is the same group that was targeted for alleged communist ties in the 1950s. When this subpoena is appealed, the appropriate response from the appellate court would be, "Uh . . . no . . . it's that pesky freedom of assembly thing." If this takes longer than five minutes to decide, then the apocalypse is near. * Pat Robertson, the kooky evangelist, led a nationwide prayer on his show "The 700 Club," asking God to remove three justices from the Supreme Court. Still steamed about the 6-3 sodomy decision last June (so why wouldn't he want six justices removed?), Robertson called for the divine ousting of John Paul Stevens, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and another who is unclear. Robertson's letter on the Christian Broadcasting Network website says, "One justice is 83 years old [Stevens], another has cancer [Ginsburg] and another has a heart condition [not so clear]. Would it not be possible for God to put it in the minds of these three judges that the time has come to retire?" What a world of meaning is in that one little word, "retire." Would it not be possible for God to put it in the DNA of Robertson to "retire"? * Women almost always lie about their sex lives, according to researchers at Ohio State University and the University of Maine. It's been known for years that, when you ask a person how many sex partners he's had, the numbers are always higher for men than women. Since this is statistically impossible--the average number should be the same, even if there's one really abused hooker somewhere--it's always been assumed that men exaggerated their conquests and women diminished theirs. In fact, it turns out that men are pretty close to the truth, but women always make their numbers lower. The way they figured this out is by questioning women informally, then questioning them again when they thought they were hooked up to a lie detector. (The machine wasn't on.) When they thought they were hooked up, their estimates of past lovers doubled. Using test subjects 18 to 25 years old, the numbers came out like this for women: 2.6 sexual partners if they simply filled out a survey form, 3.4 partners for those who thought their answers were anonymous, and 4.4 partners for those who thought they would be caught by a polygraph. For men, the answers were the same in all three groups--about 4.0 partners. In other words, the bimbo is lying. * At 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning, Norwegian talk-show host Anja was a little bored and trying to wake up her audience, so she invited viewers to vote on whether she should perform oral sex on her colleague Adam. More than a thousand people voted, and Anja and Adam were both disciplined by the station, but the most humiliating thing was . . . the public voted no. * A male stripper showed up at a Holiday Inn in Crystal Lake, Illinois, to work a bachelorette party, but after his performance, the bride's mother refused to pay, saying it was the sorriest stripping she'd ever seen. They got into an altercation, and the bachelorettes ended up kicking him, scratching him, and pummeling him over the head with a bottle. Mom pled guilty to assault and paid $2,500 restitution, although she still insisted the guy probably enjoyed it. * Kelly Kaufman of Custer, South Dakota, scarfed down four pounds of bull testicles to win the One Eyed Jack's Rocky Mountain Oyster Championship in Sturgis, South Dakota. He received $3,000 in prize money, which, as it turns out, is $500 more than he could have gotten for being dogpiled by bachelorettes. * Michael J. Matakaetis of Hutchinson Island, Florida, was stopped for speeding and suspicion of drunk driving. First he tried to bribe the arresting officer with a stack of Dunkin' Donuts coupons. When that didn't work and he ended up in jail, he threatened that a sheriff's depty would "get a bullet" because "You should have let me go." We're talking a guy whose brain was thinking, "Hmmmmmmm, should I bribe him with discount donuts, or just kill him? Donuts or bullets? Bullets or donuts? Okay, donuts first, then bullets." * Scenes from domestic life:
* The Bush administration seemed increasingly squirmy as the president went on "Meet the Press" and Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld spoke to European critics in Munich, addressing the question of just why we got involved in Iraq. They both said that, yeah, they'd thought about it, and they've decided that there were reasons for attacking Saddam Hussein and those reasons will be apparent, and furthermore it was his fault, and furthermore who cares about him anyway, he was just an old dictator, and furthermore, the Iraqi people are better off . . . whoops! Better not go there. * Seven-year-old Brandy McKenith was suspended from Sunnyside Elementary School in Pittsburgh after the following exchange: Classmate: "I swear to God." Brandy: "You're going to go to hell for swearing to God." We swear to God. * The superintendent of schools in Guyton, Georgia, is trying to get 17-year-old Laura Williams kicked out of the high school work/study program because she chose to work as a Hooters hostess. Michael Moore, the superintendent, says her job is "not appropriate," even though Laura's dad approves and the tips are better than Subway. * The smoke-haters have declared war on the new "Whoopi" sitcom, in which Whoopi Goldberg plays Mavis Rae, a chain-smoking hotel owner. "It makes me sad and angry," says anti-smoking advocate Judy Shepps Battle, to hear Goldberg defend smoking in interviews. "Surely Whoopi Goldberg realizes that her character is modeling a highly addictive behavior. While she may not know the statistics--that cigarette smoking causes nearly 5 million painful and premature deaths around the world every year--she must realize that her bravado feeds into the bullet-proof mentality ('Nothing is happening to me now from smoking this cigarette') that keeps people--especially teens--smoking cigarettes. Doesn't she realize that nearly 5000 kids, every single day of the year, light up to join the ranks of smokers? Is she oblivious to the fact that between one-third and one-half of youths who try a cigarette go on to become daily smokers?" Predictably, Battle then calls for a boycott and a letter-writing campaign to hassle NBC. Sounds like this woman needs a cigarette. Okay, Judy, just one fact here: it's been a long long long time since Whoopi Goldberg was a teenager. * Huang Tzu-heng, a shop clerk in Taipei, started dating his high school classmate Hsiao Lan, but Huang wasn't really sure Hsiao Lan loved him. To check on her faithfulness, he posed on the Internet as "Mr J" while continuing to date her. He started to become frustrated when she never acknowledged talking to Mr J, but the real surprise was coming later: she told him she was dumping him because she had fallen in love with Mr J. Huang committed suicide, because if you can't trust your girlfriend not to cheat on you with yourself, then, uh, well, it's all very oriental. * Fuehrer-wein, a new Nazi-themed Italian wine, has provoked an official protest from the German Justice Ministry, which calls it "contemptible and tasteless." The wine features a dozen different labels featuring Hitler and other Nazis, complete with slogans like "Sieg Heil." It can't be sold in Germany because products bearing Nazi images are outlawed there, but in the winemaker's defense, he's an equal opportunity offender. The line also includes Benito Mussolini labels and, not to ignore the leftist oenophiles, Josef Stalin labels. We hear that this vino will kick your ass. * A 100-million-year-old penis was discovered on a fossil of an aptly named ostracod, a crustacean related to crabs and shrimps. David Siveter, professor at England's University of Leicester, found the fossil in Brazil and says that it's a mere one millimeter wide, but that's no problem for the ostracod, which has the biggest sperm-to-body ratio in the animal kingdom. Even more remarkable, this ostracod turned out be double-penised. A hard ostracod is good to find. * A British company called Vibelet.com introduced software which converts a Nokia cellular phone into a sex toy, if you know what we mean and we think you do. The program makes use of Nokia's "vibrating alert" option. A charged battery gives you exactly one hour to recharge your battery. * "Evel Knievel: The Rock Opera"--yes, that's what we said--is in development at the Zoo District, a small Los Angeles theater company, with no broken bones reported so far. * With too many stray dogs wandering around Phnom Penh, Cambodian officials are encouraging the population to eat more of them. "Come on, dog meat is so delicious," said city governor Kep Chuktema to a reporter for the Cambodia Daily newspaper. "The Vietnamese and Koreans love to eat dog meat. We (Cambodians) don't have wine, but poor people can enjoy their dog meat with palm juice wine." Oddly enough, Cambodian chickens taste just like pit bulls. * "Louie Louie" was performed simultaneously by 754 guitarists at Tacoma's Cheney Stadium. Performers included the Wailers, the 1950s band that originally arranged the song, and the Kingsmen, who re-recorded it in 1963 and made it into a hit. Conducting the guitarists was Paul Revere, of Paul Revere & the Raiders, who also covered the song. Anybody who could successfully learn all three chords was welcome to join in. * Sho Yano has been admitted to the University of Chicago medical school--at age 12. When he makes his internship rounds, and has to say "Turn your head and cough," will there be child porno charges? * The ultimate redneck girlie drink, rum-and-Coke, has been perfected by scientists working for the Kuya company. Using a distillation process called fusion, they've blended 23 citrus and spice flavors into Kuya rum to create what they claim is the perfect blend to go with colas. Kuya spokeswoman Kelley McCormick launched a new ad campaign--"Do ya Kuya?"--with predictions that "Kuya cola" will soon replace "rum and Coke" as the preferred order at West Texas honkytonks any day now. * Condomania, the Internet condom retailer, now offers 55 sizes of prophylactics. How do you know which is your size? They have a special "measuring tool"--yes, that's the phrase they use- -on the Internet. Please Windex your computer screen after using it. * The sale of French fries has dropped 10 percent at McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's, irritating the plaintiff's bar. * The Sex Pistols are planning a concert in Baghdad to show the people that democracy is not such a great thing. "If you are going to offer these people democracy," said lead singer Johnny Rotten, "then offer it to them in their fullest extreme so they fully know what they're walking into. Because democracy has a few problems, mate, and the Sex Pistols know that, but at least we can shout out about it, and that might be of some use to them." We're sure the Shiites will insist these insights be worked into the new constitution. * Scientists at Japan's Kinki University are trying to use frozen DNA to clone the extinct woolly mammoth. Once they have the pachyderms breathing again, the Japanese can then slaughter them for use as aphrodisiacs. * Alexander Korolev was declared the winner in the first rubber-sex-doll raft race on the Vuoksa River near St. Petersburg, Russia. The trophy was tainted because all participants were required to raft while sober. * Shannon Williams, a Berkeley High School teacher busted for prostitution, says she's done nothing wrong because "as a feminist I believe in every woman's right to self-determination" and "I feel like a gay teacher must have felt 20 years ago after being outed--I feel that prostitution laws are dinosaurs, that they're similar to sodomy laws, and they will eventually be repealed." Uh, probably not soon enough for your case, honey. * Scenes from domestic life: Janet Jackson flopped one out at the Super Bowl halftime show in one of those career moves destined to show up in her obituary. Justin Timberlake aided the flop, and both performers are likely to be bounced from the Grammy Awards telecast, since they seem to be unaware that the entire world is not their personal reality show. The controversial right mammary was pierced and heavily bejeweled, provoking troublesome questions from children, like, "Mommy, why does she have a beer can opener on her chest?" Kerry 5-2 Dean 6-1 Edwards 12-1 Clark 19-1 Lieberman 80-1 Point spread: Kerry -6 in South Carolina Cash only. The top ten spams, worldwide, according to the watchdog Spamhaus: 1. ENLARGE YOUR PENIS Spam is now 70 percent of all email worldwide, and is
expected to reach 90 percent by December. Almost all of it is
created by about 180 people. We have a message for these 180
people: Jerry Lewis will return to the stage of the Orleans Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas after a three-year absence due to steroid bloating. France is rejoicing, especially since Jerry Lewis and Mickey Rourke are now lookalikes. Al Franken tackled a heckler at a Howard Dean rally in New Hampshire, bear-hugging his legs, then slamming him to the floor. Franken said he was protecting Dean's First Amendment rights. After all, it's third and long. Robin Hood didn't come from the Nottingham area, but 60 miles to the north, in Yorkshire, according to lawmakers from that area who are trying to revise history and claim him for themselves. David Hinchcliffe, member of Parliament for Wakefield, claims that there is vast historical evidence showing that Robin Hood (or Hode) was born on the site of the Wakefield bus station. Think of the tourism possibilities. Bus drivers in green leotards--we're there. During the course of a week, the Pope was entertained by breakdancers and met with Dick Cheney. This explains the pontiff's request that Cheney stand on his head. Jack Paar died in Greenwich, Connecticut, we kid you not. The 4th Infantry Division, which flushed Saddam Hussein out of his rabbit warren, has asked permission to destroy the underground hideout and the nearby mud hut so that it won't become a tourist attraction, as in "Saddam didn't sleep here." The Parmalat scandal continued to rock the financial world, as Alessandro Bassi--assistant to the imprisoned chief financial director of the company--committed suicide by throwing himself off a bridge. Because Parmalat is an Italian company that sells boxed milk and is named after the capital of Emilia-Romagna, while banking in Monte Carlo and the Cayman Islands, nobody suspected a thing. For the first time since private stills were banned in 1814, a couple in Aultbea, Wester Ross, Scotland, have won a two-year legal battle and now have the right to brew Highlands Scotch whiskey in a 40-gallon still at their hotel. The first batch of Loch Ewe, as they intend to call it, will be ready in five years. The tradition of private stills flourished in the Highlands after the Battle of Culloden in 1746, when the Hanovarian government imposed a tax on what was called "poor man's wine," but the Scots ignored the law and started the ancient battle with revenuers, continuing when they started migrating to the hills of Kentucky and Tennessee. Today, a 40-gallon still in Appalachia creates a batch in five months, not five years, and is generally called Pee Yew, not Loch Ewe. Stephen Hawking keeps getting beaten up by his wife, according to ten nurses who have come forward to give statements to police. Hawking, the wheelchair-bound author of "A Brief History of Time," keeps showing up at the hospital with unexplained injuries, including a broken wrist, gashes to his face, and a cut lip. One nurse told the Times of London that Hawking's wife Elaine routinely refers to him as "thicko" and "dumbo" and that he's afraid to be alone with her when she's in a bad mood because she can pick him up and handle him roughly. Hawking, on the other hand, says he's perfectly fine. "I firmly and wholeheartedly reject the allegations that I have been assaulted," he said to the press--but that could be the result of Abused Genius Syndrome. Thailand chickens were banned by the European Union after an outbreak of avian flu. This is not to be confused with Thailand chicken hawks, which are still, of course, flourishing. Water was found on Mars. Halliburton announced plans to bottle it for the convenience-store market. Weapons of Mass Destruction Supersleuth David Kay resigned, saying he thought there were no WMDs and never had been any WMDs. Somewhere Hans Blix is chuckling. Twenty-six Congressmen introduced a bill that would raise fines to as much as $3 million for anyone who uses "indecent, obscene or profane language" on network television or radio. Fuck. Jack Whittaker of Scott Depot, West Virginia, is having a hard time holding onto his $113 million in lottery winnings. The winner of the Powerball jackpot in December 2002 was drugged inside a strip club and a briefcase containing $500,000 stolen last August (money later recovered). Now somebody bashed in the window on his SUV and stole a bank bag containing $100,000. We have two words for you, Jack: American Express. A high court in Seville, Spain, ruled that brothel workers are entitled to social security, but the bordello claims that the girls are independent contractors. Said the lawyer for the establishment: "With all due respect to the justices, the court is asking business owners to become the pimps of these ladies." And you've got a problem with that, Mac Daddy?
Women are forbidden from singing on television in
Afghanistan. These would be the same women we liberated. All
together now: Lim Vanthan of Phnom Penh jumped into a river and caught an eight-inch kantrob fish with his hands. The traumatized fish squirmed out of his control, jumped into the man's mouth, and lodged there, wedged in by the barbs on the fish's back. The man died of suffocation. On the other hand, so did the fish.
Scenes from our secure republic:
Scenes from domestic life: Ron O'Neal, better known as "Superfly," died in Los Angeles and was buried in a coffin that had to be lengthened 18 inches so his favorite shoes would fit. * Tacoma Police Chief David Brame didn't like the way his divorce case was going, especially the publication in a Seattle paper of legal documents detailing a stormy, violent relationship, so he loudly confronted his wife Crystal while both were parked at a shopping mall in separate cars. Their children, an 8-year-old girl and 5-year-old boy, were apparently upset by the shouting, so Brame took them from his wife's car to his own, then went back to his wife's car and continued the screaming. Eventually he pulled his police service revolver, shot his wife in the head, then killed himself with the same gun. They don't really have a way to talk about this on "Take Your Kids to Work" Day. * The Army decided they didn't need all that VX nerve agent anymore, since the stockpiles were basically for use in the Cold War, so they announced a plan to get rid of the deadly chemical: dump it into the Delaware River. First they'd have to truck it from Indiana to New Jersey, so there would be some danger to motorists, but after that it wouldn't matter, because it's just Jersey. Yellowstone National Park sits on top of one of the largest super-volcanoes in the world and has been on a cycle of erupting once every 600,000 years, according to geologists. Guess how long it's been since the last one? Uh, 640,000 years. That's why park rangers were a little concerned this winter when extremely high ground temperatures were detected in the Norris Geyser Basin (well over 200 degrees, measured just one inch below ground level). Then there's the fact that everything in that area is dying: trees, flowers, grass, shrubs. Then there's the fact that animals are migrating out of the park. Then there's the fact that last July a huge bulge was discovered at the bottom of Yellowstone Lake, and it's risen 100 feet from the bottom of the lake, with mountain water that's normally extremely cold now reaching 88 degrees. And, oh yeah, one more thing--the lake is filling up with dead fish. Not that we have to worry too much about it. If the volcano does erupt, it will only be about 2,500 times the size of the Mount St. Helens eruption of 1980. That would only kill every living thing within a 600-mile radius. As long as it doesn't reach Aspen, we're fine. * Gennifer Flowers, the famed presidential accuser ("He flopped it out"), will be taking a leave of absence from her French Quarter piano bar in New Orleans to star in "Boobs! The World According to Ruth Wallis," a play being staged at Dillon's Supper Club on West 54th Street in New York City (near the old Studio 54). Let's hope she doesn't flop them out. * Israel started building a 25-foot-wall--twice the height of the Berlin Wall--around the city of Jerusalem and the West Bank to keep Palestinians out and protect the land that they . . . uh . . . stole in 1967. * A scathing attack on President Bush's war on terror was released by . . . the Army War College. Yep. Jeffrey Record, a visiting professor whose permanent assignment is part of the Air War College at Maxwell Air Force Base in Alabama, says that the war in Iraq was "unnecessary," that it could lead to wars with other states that pose no serious threat, and that the Army is "near the breaking point" because of an unfocused "global war on terrorism" that is unwinnable and uses up all our resources "in an endless and hopeless search for absolute security." We don't expect Donald Rumsfeld to put this one on his nightstand. * Now that the United States is photographing and fingerprinting foreign visitors from all but 27 countries in the world, Brazil has gotten offended and decided they'll do the same--photographing and fingerprinting every American visitor to Brazil. In Brazil this can take up to nine hours, so tourism and some business travel is plummeting. Various diplomats on both sides are getting increasingly steamed about it, with Colin Powell himself stepping in and asking Brazil to loosen up the system and stop discriminating against Americans. The new system is very popular with ordinary Brazilians, though, who are asking the question, Just exactly what do you think we're bringing into the U.S.? Illegal samba lessons? * The so-called economic recovery ground to a halt in December, when an expected 150,000 new jobs turned out to be merely 1,000, and with tens of thousands of people dropping out of the job market altogether, which means they're not even trying anymore. The administration tried to put spin on the Bureau of Labor Statistics by combing through it for good news, and they found it: some guy in Omaha got a job. * A mountain lion in southern California's Whiting Ranch Wilderness Park chewed up a woman while she was bicycling, and is probably responsible for the death of another bicyclist who was found mauled and lifeless near the same place. The attacks come about a year after the "don't harm the pretty kitty-kat" movement in California that made it illegal to hunt mountain lions. The victims were on bicycles, people. Bicycles. Somebody punch up Charlton Heston, and be quick about it. * Howard Stern plunged in the latest Arbitron ratings to his lowest level ever, finishing third in his New York home market after Luis Jimenez, the wakeup king at Spanish-language Mega 97.9, and all-news WINS. Jimenez' ratings jumped 25 percent, creating a huge lead over Stern, who is reportedly going to Berlitz twice a day. * Dick Gregory--comedian, activist, health guru and author of the best-selling "Nigger"--fasted for 40 days to demonstrate support for Michael Jackson, slimming down from 159 pounds to 124. Hasn't Dick Gregory been dieting since about, oh, 1973? * The United States has the fattest teenagers in the world, clocking in with a chub rate of 15 percent, compared to 5 percent in Germany, 1 percent in Slovakia, and rates of 4 to 7 percent in all the other European countries. The study by the Maternal and Child Health Bureau of Maryland pointed to two primary factors: no exercise, and too much fast food. And, by the way, are you gonna eat that last burrito? * After 15 years of denials, Pete Rose admitted betting hundreds of thousands of dollars on sports, including baseball games, while managing the Cincinnati Reds. Banned from baseball since 1989, Rose now reveals in his new book that he once lost $88,000 in a single week, that he once won $30,000 on a week of pro football games, that his regular football bet was $2,000, and that his regular baseball bet was $1,000, including bets he placed on his own team. (He still denies ever betting against the Reds.) In public opinion polls, about half the baseball fans believe he should be reinstated, making him eligible for the Hall of Fame, even though this may be the largest amount of money bet by one person on a continuing basis in the history of the sport. The reasoning: He slid head-first into first base one too many times. * Ten thousand civet cats will be slaughtered by China in an effort to destroy the suspected origin of SARS. They eat cats, don't they? * A delegation of monks from the Danilov Monastery in Moscow held four days of talks with officials at Harvard University, which owns 18 bells that have been at Harvard ever since 1930, when Stalin closed the monastery, killed the monks and sold the bells to an American diplomat who gave them to Harvard. The monks want their bells back. In fact, Heirodeacon Roman, one of the Russian delegates, has the title of chief bell-ringer, but he has the humiliating task of working each day on mere replacement bells. Then there's the matter of the long-established Harvard social club known as the Klappermeisters, who play the bells and let visitors to Lowell House play them, too. They're not too thrilled with the idea of having their bells cut off. * As a Long Island Rail Road train pulled out of Jamaica station in Queens, a dog walked onto the track and stared at the train. The engineer slowed down, waiting for the dog to move, but when he got close, the dog snarled and growled at the train and held his ground. The dog then proceeded to walk down the track, and every time the train got too close, it would turn and growl. This went on for several minutes, and the train at this point was going so slow that the conductor decided to make an announcement: "There is a dog on the track. The dog is growling at the train." The dog kept walking and never got off the track until he came to the next station. The run between Jamaica and Laurelton, which normally takes seven minutes, took an hour. A dog capture operation was organized at Laurelton, and the canine was taken into custody. He was held in isolation so that he can't influence other dogs. * Scenes from domestic life: Spirit, the unmanned United States spacecraft, landed on Mars just a week after the Beagle, the unmanned British spacecraft, failed to land on Mars. We're much better equipped to enslave the aliens anyway.
"Plumbum oscillans": Latin for "swinging the lead," meaning
someone who's not really sick but is trying to get the doctor to
say he is. |