The Joe Bob Report

The first bear hunt in New Jersey in 33 years is scheduled for December, but only 6,300 hunters applied for the 10,000 available hunting permits, meaning that a lot of the Jersey bears are going to be able to use flanking maneuvers.

* Elton John will get $54 million over two years to be the stand-in for Celine Dion at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas on Celine's nights off. Celine is getting $100 million over three years. By our calculations Elton has the better deal. Estimating 15 songs per show, Celine receives only $11,111 per warble, whereas he gets $12,000 per number. The diva should bitch about it. * Daniel James Martin, a 19-year-old sophomore, was killed when the slamdancing at a Virginia Tech party got so intense that a chain reaction propelled five people through a third-story window to the ground below. Can you say "alcohol expulsions"? * Edna Morris was booted as president of the Red Lobster restaurant chain after her all-you-eat crab dinner promotion triggered a sell-off of shares and wiped out $405.9 million of stock value in one trading session. The dinner was priced at $22.99, but so many people went back for third and fourth helpings, and wholesale crab prices rocketed up so quickly, that the company had to write off $3.3 million for the first quarter. Customers still searching for the "Endless Crab Dinner" will be told by their waiter, "You'll love our fish sticks!" -0- Ten thousand minks were released into the wild by agents of the Animal Liberation Front who broke into a mink ranch in Sultan, Washington. The minks then proceeded to destroy the wild fish population in the area, kill many exotic birds, and, after two months of roaming the dense woods in search of food, cannibalize one another. Thank God they died humanely. * A white tiger mauled Roy Horn, of "Siegfried and Roy" fame, during their nightly show at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas. Roy bopped the tiger on the nose and it lunged at his throat, then dragged him off the stage. Siegfried appeared moments later and canceled the show. The audience, of course, kept expecting both of them to appear at the back of the auditorium in a spotlight with their arms thrown open, riding on elephants. * Lucio Gutierrez, the president of Ecuador, kicked off a campaign to fight lateness--the practice of the whole country showing up 15 to 30 minutes late for all appointments--with a ceremony at which the nation synchronized its clocks and watches. A civic group estimates that Ecuador loses $700 million because of everyone being late, but the figure might not be accurate because they won't finish running the statistics until tomorrow. * High-school dropout Jimmy Dean, who left Plainview High School in Plainview, Texas, in 1946 to join the Army Air Corps, then went on to a career as a country singer, TV personality and sausage magnate, was awarded his diploma under a new Texas law that allows people to graduate if they left school to join the military. Next stop for Jimmy: freshman orientation in the pork production department at Texas Tech. * At a Burger King in Hilltown, Pennsylvania, a female customer punched the counter girl in the face because she was mad about her order not being prepared correctly. The woman escaped, but was being hunted down by policemen equipped with tranquilizer guns. * Neiman-Marcus unveiled its 2003 Christmas catalog, which features His & Her Robots that can put away laundry, walk the kids to school, carry groceries, walk the dog, take out the trash and answer the door. At $400,000, they're cheaper than a teenager. * Brian Florence, best known for having sex in St. Patrick's Cathedral while Opie and Anthony gave play-by-play on their WNEW- FM radio show, died of heart failure at his Virginia home. The death was sudden and unexpected, since he was 38 and, obviously, frisky. * Madonna was slapped with a lawsuit claiming that most of the images in her new "Hollywood" music video were stolen from the works of the late French fashion photographer Guy Bourdin. A week before she made the video, Madonna toured a Bourdin exhibit at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London, but she probably forgot all about it. * Four hundred Japanese tourists hired five hundred Chinese prostitutes and brought them to the Zhuhai International Conference Center Hotel in Zhuhai, China, resulting in a three- day drunken orgy that strained relations between Japan and China and left frat boys all over the world struck dumb with awe. * The Census Bureau announced that 43.6 million Americans have no health insurance, an increase of 2.4 million in the past year, and put the blame on employers who no longer provide it. Those would be the same employers who told Hillary Clinton in 1993 that she was a crazy woman who was trying to get the government to do what private industry can do better. * Elia Kazan, one of the greatest stage and film directors of the 20th century, died at 94, and the media couldn't help harping on his testimony before the House Committee on Un-American Activities, which is still held against him even in death. His moral dilemma, dramatized in his film "On the Waterfront," involved testifying truthfully about who he knew to be a member of the Communist Party in the 1930s, while he himself was a member of the Communist Party. He had recanted his Communist beliefs and decided to name names. Given that he did this after Stalin had been leading the Communist Party for almost 20 years indicates to us that it wasn't much different from someone today identifying people who have attended Al Qaeda training camps, but for some reason the testimony was held against him to the end of his life and beyond. When he was given an honorary Academy Award in 1999, many Academy members withheld their applause. What you can't argue with, however, is "A Streetcar Named Desire," "East of Eden," "A Face in the Crowd," "Splender in the Grass" and--on Broadway--the original productions of "All My Sons," "Streetcar," "Death of a Salesman," "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" and "Sweet Bird of Youth." Oddly enough, the two Arthur Miller plays--"All My Sons" and "Death of a Salesman"--are among the most anti-capitalist plays ever written, indicating to us that perhaps this complicated man was more interested in art than politics. * Little Joe the gorilla busted out of his enclosure at the Franklin Park Zoo in Boston, grabbed a 2-year-old girl from a zoo worker, threw the child to the ground, stomped on her, scaled a moat and led police on a two-hour chase through the Roxbury neighborhood before being spotted at a bus stop and felled by tranquilizers and taken back to prison. Little Joe, who has escaped once before, will be kept in the primate equivalent of Guantanamo until further notice. * State legislator Marty Seifert of Marshall, Minnesota, proposed trimming the state's $4.2 billion budget deficit by feeding each prison inmate "a tablespoon of lard" instead of a meal. The daily meal cost per inmate is currently a steep $3.07, but by using lard to satisfy national standards for calorie intake, that figure could be cut to, oh, about 3 cents. How can they afford not to do it? * A University of Maine food laboratory announced the perfection of a blueberry hamburger, cherry turkey and prune chicken through a blending process that resulted in all kinds of fairly horrifying fruit-and-meat combinations, but could possibly be of enormous value at the Minnesota State Prison. * Beetle larvae in cheese, chocolate-covered crickets and tasty mealworms were all served up at the Ohio State Fair as part of a project sponsored by Bugman Educational Enterprises of Columbus. Next test market: Stillwater, Minnesota. * Kobe Bryant lost his endorsement deal with Ferrero, an Italian company that makes a hazelnut-and-chocolate spread called Nutella. The company said they will no longer be doing consumer marketing, preferring to sell directly to Minnesota state inmates. * Scenes from domestic life:
* David Quinn of Rockville Centre, New York, was steamed when his girlfriend's daughter was raped, so he tried to hire someone to mutilate the rapist's private parts, according to police. Unfortunately, the mutilator-for-hire turned out to be an undercover cop, and the offending member remains intact at press time.*Federal District Judge Lee R. West of Oklahoma shot down the national do-not-call list after telemarketers sued to put a stop to it. West ruled that the Federal Trade Commission had overreached its authority in creating the list. Later that night Judge West was known to be seriously considering changing his long distance provider, purchasing a vacuum cleaner, and ordering several new magazines. * Lloyd Forsythe and Mary Halford were married at the Wal-Mart in Houma, Louisiana, in front of 300 guests and 3,000 boxes of Beanee Weenies. * The Ward Hunt Ice Shelf, which has jutted into the Arctic Ocean from Canada for 3,000 years, has started breaking up, destroying a freshwater lake and a plankton ecosystem and basically becoming a bunch of jumbo ice cubes bobbing around in the water like crumbling olives in a dirty martini. Don't think about this when you start your car. * Five thousand minks were being hunted through the streets of Kokkola, Finland, after they were released from a fur farm by parties unknown. Animal rights groups have been rounding them up and carting them off, explaining that, to prevent the animal from becoming a mink stole, they stole mink. * Genshin Fujinami, a Buddhist priest, finished a 24,800-mile running ritual in Japan that dates from the eighth century and is believed to be a path to enlightenment. It took Fujinami seven years to complete the spiritual marathon, and afterwards he pronounced himself "satisfied." He had attained such a high karmic state that he constantly repeated the unanswerable mystical question, "Nike or Puma?" * Four peacocks on the ranch of Hunter S. Thompson in Woody Creek, Colorado, were found dead on the road, prompting the shotgun-loving writer to vow vengeance against the likely suspects, a pack of feral marauding wild dogs. Magazine editors, take note: this is already worth a $5,000 advance. * After 25 years, the ski resort of Vail, Colorado, is getting rid of its Saab patrol cars, even though Saab was taking a loss on the $319-per-month leases. The new squad car: a Ford Explorer. Now that's just wrong. * A man hung himself from a tree on President Bush's motorcade route to the United Nations, but his timing was off. Quick- responding police had him cut down by 7:30 a.m., and the Prez didn't pass by until 8:55. Location was excellent, though: two car lengths. * The famous underwater dancing mermaids of Weeki Wachee Springs, 55 miles north of Tampa, Florida, got a reprieve when the Southwest Florida Water Management District backed off its threat to close the park, which has been staging the mermaid shows since 1947. They said problems with the sewer system might contaminate the springs themselves, but the brave mer-girls obviously aren't going to let a little pollution stop them from swanning and piking for tourists. * Twenty-seven reserve pilots in the Israeli Air Force signed a petition saying they would refuse to bomb Palestinian areas in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, because the taking of innocent civilian life is "illegal and immoral." The petition follows a similar statement signed by hundreds of reserve soldiers who refuse to serve in the West Bank or Gaza. The recipient of the letters, Major General Dan Halutz, was sharply critical of the renegade soldiers, saying they should not take political positions about those pesky baby-and-grandma issues that come up in any war. * As a symbolic protest against affirmative action policies, the Young Conservatives of Texas held a bake sale on the campus of Southern Methodist University, advertising cookies at $1 a piece for white men, 75 cents for white women, 50 cents for Hispanics, and 25 cents for blacks. This little act of political theater has been carried on at several colleges across the country since February, but at SMU it lasted only 45 minutes. Weenie university authorities shut it down after a black student complained. He wanted the right to pay full price, or, uh, something. * Matthew Scott, a 19-year-old British backpacker, leapt off a cliff to escape his Colombian kidnappers, then wandered through the jungle for ten days in heavy rain before being rescued by an Indian tribe. He left behind seven other kidnapped tourists who were snatched at the ruins of Ciudad Perdida on September 12. He appeared to be healthy enough when interviewed from his hospital bed, despite the prolonged lack of tea. * Sarah Ward, a 66-year-old grandmother in Newbury, Massachusetts, was sued by the Recording Industry Association of America for downloading songs on KaZaA, including Trick Daddy's "I'm a Thug." Since Sarah uses her Macintosh computer to email her kids and grandkids--and since a Macintosh can't run the KaZaA file-sharing service--the full legal weight of the music industry failed to extract from her the usual little symbolic settlement that they seem to be going after. The association withdrew the case as "a gesture of good faith." How about a gesture of "We're morons"? * Al Goldstein's Screw magazine was kicked out of its offices on West 36th Street in New York after failing to pay six or seven months rent. Screw editor Chip Maloney quit the magazine after two of his paychecks bounced. The magazine missed two issues. Goldstein's late-night cable talk show "Midnight Blue" has been cancelled for failure to pay his bill to Time Warner Cable. But Goldstein, speaking to The New York Post from his home in Pompano, Florida, said not to worry, he had things under control, and there was a good explanation: his Mafia distributor screwed him. * Guantanamo Prison Camp may be infested with as many as five spies, according to the Pentagon, which arrested a senior airman and charged him with espionage. Ahmad al-Halabi, an Arabic translator at Gitmo, was caught with a dirty laptop, as was James Yee, the Army Muslim chaplain who was detained earlier on suspicion of spying for detained Al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners. Nice screening system, guys! You forgot to check the employees who speak their language. * President Bush went to his favorite place--the United Nations--to make a speech asking other nations to help rebuild Iraq. He got polite applause and didn't bring up the whole U.S. government bankruptcy thing. * The owners of Southern Comfort redesigned the bottle for the first time since 1936 and launched a new ad campaign aimed at a youthful audience. Invented by New Orleans bartender M.W. Heron in 1874, the unique blend of spices and fruits is not just for redneck grandmas anymore. * Unlike many humans, who frolicked in the eccentric surf caused by Hurricane Isabel and died as a result, the famous wild ponies of Assateague Island simply moved to sheltered high ground well in advance of the storm, stayed there until it had passed, then moved down into the marsh and started grazing. All the ponies are excellent swimmers, but they decided, under the circumstances, they shouldn't go in the water. Wimps. * The Beatles sued Apple Computer, claiming that a 1991 agreement with Apple founder Steve Jobs gave him the right to use the name Apple only as long as he didn't go into the music business. (The Beatles interests are managed by Apple Corps Ltd., which was formed in 1968.) In April Apple Computer launched the iTunes Music Store, through which music can be downloaded for a free. So far Apple has sold 10 million downloads in four months. In court, Apple Computer is expected to use the "It was a long time ago" defense. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Liliana Valera of Brooklyn became angry when her 4-year- old son Carlos threw up during a Christmas Eve dinner. Suffering from intestinal problems and tuberculosis, weighing only 37 pounds, he obviously needed a good beating with her slippers to help his appetite, according to police accounts. When paramedics were called to her apartment three days later, they found the boy not breathing. An autopsy revealed numerous bruises, broken ribs, lacerations and a ruptured bowel that led to intestinal collapse- -all the result of efforts to have a nice family dinner together. * The Los Angeles City Council voted 13-0 to ban lap dancing in strip clubs. The new law, which could go into effect as early as October, would require dancers to remain six feet from customers and would ban direct tipping. Several strippers had testified before the council, claiming that their livelihoods would be destroyed, but the cold-hearted legislators gave them the equivalent of an icy Kamikaze poured down their thong bikinis by a drunk surfer with a mullet. * Sheb Wooley died in Nashville, victim of a one-eyed one- horned flying purple people eater. * Richard A. Grasso resigned as chairman of the New York Stock Exchange after being criticized for receiving $139.5 million in defferred pay and retirement benefits. Everybody agreed he did a great job, they just didn't like the position of that decimal point. * In Indonesia you can buy Sony underwear and Rolex cigarettes, according to the Wall Street Journal. It's one thing to make knockoffs, but in Jakarta they apparently put brands on things that the real company doesn't even make. Lately, though, the legal system is reacting to international pressure and starting to enforce trademark and copyright infringement laws, but in the meantime we have our eye on a very attractively priced case of Marlboro malt liquor. * First a University of Iowa student, John Roche, was arrested on charges of leaving a message at the home of Kobe Bryant's 19- year-old accuser, threatening to sexually assault and kill her. Then a Swiss man who claimed to be part of the Russian Mafia was arrested for allegedly trying to shake down Kobe Bryant for $3 million in exchange for a promise to kill the girl. Patrick Graber, who goes by the name "Yuri," is a 31-year-old bodybuilding coach with an expired Swiss visa, and he shaves his head to look like a tough guy. But can he yodel? * When sixth-grader Christine Zuniga showed up at the Bronx Preparatory Charter School in blue jeans instead of the required uniform--a collared polo shirt and skirt--the school principal, Marina Bernard Damiba, made a skirt out of a garbage bag and forced her to wear it to class all day. The girl's mother, Joy Vasquez, was initially angry, but then met with the principal and decided to side with the school. In an interview with the New York Daily News, she said, "She got a lesson out of it." What? No lawsuit? What is the world coming to? * Wesley K. Clark, the ex-general whose plan for stopping house-to-house bayonetting of civilians in Kosovo was to bomb Belgrade, announced for the Democratic presidential race in Little Rock, Arkansas, to confuse the enemy. The first plank in his platform is surgical air strikes against anyone who's bothering us. * Anastasia Volochkova, an ice cream addict, was kicked out of the Bolshoi Theater ballet company in Moscow for being too fat for her partners to lift. In America they'd just call it "conceptual dance." * Donald Rumsfeld, while touring Afghanistan and Iraq, told reporters that news reports in the Middle East, especially on Al Jazeera, are making it difficult to win the war on terrorism. He said that some foreign news networks report the remarks of American senators opposed to the war, as well as documentaries on past situations in which Americans withdrew from battle after taking a blow--in Somalia, Lebanon, Haiti, etc. This makes it easier to raise money for terrorist organizations. Summing up all his remarks: those darn Middle Easterners have TV sets, too! * The "Bridges of Madison County" arsonist was it again. Exactly one year after the famous Cedar Bridge in Madison County, Iowa, was burned, two more bridges were set afire. First the covered bridge near Delta was destroyed. Two days later the Hogback Bridge in Winterset was set on fire, but passers-by put out the flames. There are only five covered bridges left in Madison County, but they're all staked out by a special S.W.A.T. team dispatched by the Lifetime Network to back up John Walsh. * Michael Jackson sold tickets at $5,000 per person for a day at Neverland Valley Ranch, his 2,700-acre estate near Santa Barbara, California, which features bumper cars, a merry-go- round, a Ferris wheel, a zoo with giraffes, monkeys, llamas and camels, an arcade, gardens, a movie theater, a train, lakes, a wax museum, the "magic tree" Jackson sits in to write his songs, and a fruitcake. * Two thousand protesting students swarmed through the streets of Cancun, Mexico, where the World Trade Organization was meeting, then had pina coladas. * Vicky Rutter was mauled by a deer named Popcorn at the city zoo in Northfield, New Jersey, when she walked through the deer pen after cleaning the cougar cages. Officials could offer no explanation for the deer's aggressive behavior, except the obvious attempt to prove that anything a cougar can do, he can do better. * American soldiers fired on Iraqi policemen in the town of Falluja, killing at least eight cops as they were chasing a stolen BMW. There were conflicting accounts as to why the soldiers would kill cops, but it will all be explained on Fox TV's "Wildest Police Videos." * The federal government went after Tommy Chong, of Cheech & Chong fame, for selling bongs and drug paraphernalia over the Internet, and managed to get a verdict of nine months prison and a $20,000 fine for the world's most famous stoner. The conviction was in Pittsburgh, the new federal prosecution center for morals crimes. (It's the same prosecutor who's going after the Los Angeles porn movie business.) Chong's defense: he doesn't remember. * The cabinet of Israeli Prime Minster Ariel Sharon voted to expel Yasser Arafat from the country, raising a trivia question: Does he have a passport, and what could it possibly look like? * Everybody should have a hobby. Steve Gough decided to walk the length of Britain naked, starting at Land's End in the southwest and bound for John o'Groats, Scotland, 847 miles to the north. Unfortunately he was arrested in St. Ives and charged with breaching the peace. Fortunately the charges were dropped, and so were his drawers as he continued his trek. Three days later another interruption occurred when he was arrested in Newquay for indecent behavior. That charge was dropped for lack of evidence, and his pants once again went into his backpack. At last report he was in the Inverness jail, awaiting an October 3 trial on a breach of peace charge. We hear crowds are already forming in John o'Groats, where, you might imagine, it can get extremely chilly in October. * Unabomber Ted Kaczynski filed suit in Sacramento against the federal government, demanding the return of all his belongings confiscated from his Montana shack when it was raided by FBI agents. One of the items he wants returned: a pipe bomb. For sentimental reasons only, of course. * A Jim Beam warehouse containing 19,000 barrels of bourbon burned to the ground in Bardstown, Kentucky, sending flames 100 feet into the air and resulting in 47 D.W.I. convictions of people passing by on the Interstate. * Cindy Lenz of Ebensburg, Pennsylvania, bought a $49 inflatable swimming pool at Wal-Mart for her children--and received a citation from a building inspector who told her she needs a building permit for a swimming pool or else she could be fined. The pool is 18 inches deep, an obvious safety hazard to disoriented gnats. * Scenes from domestic life: * Joan Harris of Port St. Lucie, Florida, kept telling her husband Robert to stop watching the football game on TV and help her prepare for Hurricane Isabel, but he couldn't tear himself away from the game--until she flung a knife at him, stabbing him in the right leg, according to police. Hasn't the woman ever heard of halftime?

* Brianna LaHara, a 12-year-old seventh grader who lives with her mom in public housing in New York, was sued by the Recording Industry of America for downloading Christina Aguilera songs and other music through the KaZaA file-sharing system. Her mom Sylvia Torres had paid the $29 price of the service and considered hiring a lawyer. But faced with massive fines and judgments as part of a $150 million national lawsuit, she quickly agreed to the RIAA's settlement offer--of $2,000. Brianna had shown a vicious disregard for the law, downloading Mariah Carey, the themes to "Family Matters" and "Full House," and the often- pirated classic "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands." We hope she's learned her lesson and can be rehabilitated before it's too late. * Suhayla Sorel was going topless at Chandler Park Family Aquatic Park in Detroit when security guards ordered her to cover up. There wasn't much to cover up, however, as Suhayla is three years old. She needs to learn to obey the law now so that later she doesn't become a hardened music downloader. * Barbie was declared "a symbol of decadence" by the Islamic religious police in Saudi Arabia. Sheik Abdulla al-Merdas of Riyadh, speaking for the religious jurists, said Barbie is a product of "the perverted West" and that possession of the dolls- -already a crime--might lead women to "refuse to wear the clothes we are used to." This is not necessarily true, because we're certain that, given enough research and development time, Mattel could accessorize that burqa. * J-Lo and B-Af postponed the wedding. Uh-oh. * Rapper 50 Cent, who has been shot nine times and stabbed once, was getting out of a sport-utility limo (no idea) in Jersey City, New Jersey, when shots rang out and he was forced to run into the lobby of the Doubletree Hotel to escape assassination. Cops recovered ten bullet casings from two different guns and speculated that the attempted hit was payback for the previous week's killing of rapper D.O. Cannon in Queens. Cannon was part of the posse of Ja Rule, who was shooting the movie "Cook Out" just a few blocks from the attempted 50 Cent hit, and Rule may think the Cannon hit was a result of the previous hit on Shadaha (Jah) Bey, who was a member of 50 Cent's posse. Meanwhile, 50 Cent is shuttling back and forth between the Doubletree and the Hyatt in Jersey City while he makes a music video, and Ja Rule is also staying at the Hyatt while filming his movie, and, uh, they're apparently arguing about who gets quicker room service. * Charles McKinley shipped himself from New York to Dallas by stowing away in an airline cargo crate. He had a cell phone during the 15-hour journey through Kitty Hawk Cargo, but the phone didn't work, and his friends wouldn't have believed him anyway. * After falling behind Detroit in recent years, Washington, D.C., reclaimed its title as the murder capital of the nation, with 45 homicides per 100,000 residents in 2002 and on pace to beat that number in 2003. Police Chief Charles Ramsey was recently given a five-year contract extension, to make sure no momentum is lost. * KTVB-TV in Boise, Idaho, is refusing to air "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," which is a shame, because have you seen some of those caps they wear out there? * Continuing America's obsession with all-gay all-the-time television, ABC is considering a new show being pitched as "a gay 'Hart to Hart'" called "Mr. and Mr. Nash," featuring a pair of gay interior designers who moonlight as private eyes. In the first episode they bust up the West Hollywood Mafia and foil a plan to vandalize David Geffen's beach house in Malibu. * The original cast of "The Dick Van Dyke Show" will be reunited for a March 2004 show written by series creator Carl Reiner, provided "everyone's in good health," according to Reiner. Inside sources say that the plot involves the 48-year-old Richie coming home with a new friend from Greenwich Village and telling Rob and Laura that he wants to work in Broadway revues on cruise ships. Laura puts on her old dancing tights and teaches him the barefoot beach dance from "Carousel," but Rob is furious and insists he learn some responsibility and join an NGO in Sierra Leone. The situation inspires a sketch on "The Alan Brady Show" in which Alan plays an African tribal chieftain and Richie and his friend are allowed to don muscleboy loin cloths and carry spears. * Sixteen-year-old Daniel Robbins of Great Falls, Montana, ran over a jogger so he could have sex with the corpse, according to police. The victim suffered a broken pelvis and injuries to her vertebrae and ribs, and Robbins ended up in a jail where even the creepiest guys on the cell block decided there wasn't really a category for this one. * Paul Alexander of Cape May County, New Jersey, went on "The Jerry Springer Show" with his 22-year-old girlfriend and talked about the 7-year-old child they had together. Result: statutory rape charges. He forgot to do the math. * Jack Ass, the man who legally changed his name from Robert Craft in 1997 and founded the Hearts Across America campaign to get people to put up big red hearts along highways, shot himself with a hunting rifle, thereby becoming eligible for a segment on "Jackass." * Multi-millionaire lottery winner Jack Whittaker left $545,000 in a briefcase on the front seat of his sport utility vehicle while he enjoyed the show at the Pink Pony topless club in Cross Lanes, West Virginia. When he emerged, the briefcase was gone. Amazingly, sheriff's deputies later recovered it behind a Dumpster in the parking lot. That's the kind of luck you have to have to do something impossible, like win the lottery. * Bernie Barker is the world's only 63-year-old stripper, working as a cage dancer at Miami Gold in North Miami Beach, and wearing nothing but a fluorescent yellow G-string when he dances at Club LaBare, also in North Miami Beach. He's won 30 male strip competitions against guys young enough to be his grandchildren. We hear his Security Guard Fantasy Outfit is especially fetching. * An opinion poll in North Korea revealed that dictator Kim Jong-il has an approval rating of 100 percent. Despite an economic slide and a nuclear-weapons confrontation with the United States, Kim's rating went neither up nor down over the past year. * Ivan Zudropov is offering Hitler's mummified penis for sale at a bargain price of $12,000. He claims his father Vasily was a Red Army soldier in World War II who was part of the first group of Russians to take over Hitler's command bunker in 1945. Hitler's body was stripped, kicked, punched, hacked up, and various souvenirs were taken. For years they've been trying to come up with a sequel to the cult classic "They Saved Hitler's Brain." So "They Saved . . ." Naw. * Newlyweds gain an average of five to 30 pounds during the first year of marriage, according to psychologist Catherine Cardinal of Santa Monica, California. This is still no reason to answer the "Have I gained weight?" question honestly. * A riot broke out between the bride's family and the groom's family at a Sicilian wedding in San Giorgio, Italy. Dozens were arrested, and the dispute is expected to be sorted out and settled sometime within the next 400 years. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Eighteen-year-old Christopher Bensinger of Woodbury, New Jersey, was upset when his girlfriend told him she'd been molested by the track coach at Deptford High, so he encouraged her to file charges--and she did. The coach's son, William Corsey IV, took revenge by stabbing Christopher to death. If the coach can have her, then nobody can--or something like that.

* Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder quaffed a couple of those giant brewskis that look like a whole beer pitcher in one glass and chortled about how the United States is coming to them to get a little help in Iraq. They said no, of course, just on general principle, but said they might say yes later. The key words here are "pretty please." * Twenty-three previously unknown illustrations by Beatrix Potter were discovered in a private collection in Scotland and have been valued at $400,000, because the world can never have enough pictures of mice, kittens and bunny rabbits. * A suitcase left in Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport contained 2,000 baboon noses, apparently lost in transit between Nigeria and the U.S., where they were to be used in traditional healing ceremonies. Travellers had complained of the stink, but at least it was that end of the baboon. * Andrew Krieger, an international currency trader, wanted to build a private tennis court next door to his $4.2 million French-style mansion in Alpine, New Jersey, but he felt like he didn't have enough space, so he tried to buy the public parkland next door. When the Palisades Interstate Park Commission turned him down, he went ahead and knocked down hundreds of trees in the park anyway, then wrecked an old stone wall, damaged several streams, and bulldozed a mile-long hiking trail, according to police. Now facing criminal charges of theft, mischief and conspiracy, plus an Attorney General lawsuit for wanton destruction of parkland and disturbance of the natural habitat, Krieger has decided he doesn't want to live in Alpine anymore, so he's bought a new palace in nearby Franklin Lakes. Squirrels, beware. * Arnold was Schwarzenegged. * The Arnold Schwarzenegger campaign for governor in California suffered a slight setback when someone dug up his 1977 interview with Oui magazine, in which he said: "Once in Gold's Gym there was a black girl who came out naked. Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs, where we all got together. But not everybody, just the guys who can f--- in front of other guys." Arnold's response: Hey, it was a long time ago. What's remarkable is, it worked! If only Bill Clinton had known this ten years ago. * When Charles Taylor stepped down as president of Liberia and fled the country, he forgot to mention he was taking $3 million of the government's funds with him, according to the United Nations. That wacky Chuck, he always did have a problem balancing his checkbook. * After economists predicted a modest gain of 12,000 jobs in August, signaling the beginning of the economic recovery, the figures came in: the nation actually lost 93,000 jobs. Can you pronounce "Euro"? * Officials in the Bush administration leaked estimates to the press that it might take another $60 billion to prop up Iraq through 2004, since the oil fields have been sabotaged, looting has destroyed part of the infrastructure, and the troops there are costing $3.9 billion a month. The President then blew that out of the water in a televised address requesting not 60 but $87 billion, which would, of course, add to a deficit that is already $500 billion. For those whose eyes glaze over when figures like these are used, let's just say: never before in history. It's that whole "aftermath of war" thing. * Miguel Estrada, nominated in 2001 as President Bush's appointment to a federal appeals court, ran out of steam in the face of a Democratic filibuster and decided that filling out a job application for two years looks bad on your resume. * Doctors in Montreal said that male pregnancy is now theoretically possible after an ectopic pregnancy--a baby growing outside the womb of 30-year-old Dionne Grant--was carried to term, resulting in a healthy baby boy. Dr. Togas Tulandi, chief of obstetrics and gynecology at Jewish General Hospital, said there's no scientific barrier to implanting an embryo in a man's abdomen, then delivering the fully formed baby through surgery. The implications are astounding, especially for Siegfried and Roy. * Dr. Nabil Hilmi, Dean of the Faculty of Law at the University of Al-Zaqaziq in Egypt, is preparing a lawsuit against "all the Jews of the world" in order to recover the gold, jewelry, cooking utensils, silver ornaments, clothing and other items stolen from Egyptian homes when the Jews were driven out of Egypt by the Pharaoh of Biblical times. Since the Jews admit the crime, and in fact celebrate it in their holy books, Hilmi thinks the reparations case is a slam dunk. He suggests rescheduling the debt over a thousand years, with cumulative interest, but he'll settle for the Jews dropping their own reparations lawsuits, which he says are frivolous. A billion shekels is not what it used to be. * A trained hawk on anti-pigeon patrol attacked a chihuahua in New York's Bryant Park. The falconer employed by the city to control the pigeon population explained that his hawk probably thought he was attacking a rat, because the chihuahua had gone into the shrubbery. Dog owners were appalled, until they found it was a yip-yap weeniedog. * Frank J. Koller, a parole officer in Camden, New Jersey, has sold 1,500 mullet wigs out of his home in Hamilton Township this year. He offers four models, all for $19.99: the Landscaper (also known as "the Ape Drape"), the Trash ("Kentucky Waterfall"), the Class of 1987 ("the Nebraska Neck Warmer"), and the Female Mullet ("the Bingo"). What, no Billy Ray Cyrus? * Jodie Swallow, winner of the London Triathlon, can no longer run in World Cup events unless the logo on her jersey is measured by officials. All advertisements must be no more than 5 centimeters high, but her breasts are so big that, well, you get this stretching effect and International Triathlon Union officials are scandalized--not by the breasts, but what those puppies can do to a logo. * A three-story-tall billboard of porn star Jenna Jameson went up in Times Square with the caption "Who Says They Cleaned Up Times Square?" Jenna has her hands over her breasts and teensy- tinsy panties on. It's not like we haven't seen it. * The new 20-dollar bill has a blue eagle and peach colors next to Andrew Jackson's face, and the "20" in the lower right corner changes from copper to green according to the light. On the reverse are yellow "20s" floating in the margins. Unfortunately, it's still not worth 20 Euros. * Kjell Henning Bjoernstad, a Norwegian Elvis impersonator, shattered the Guinness World Record for non-stop singing of Elvis classics (25 hours, 33 minutes, 30 seconds) by crooning a full 30 hours, then pitching forward head first in his bathroom and dying of a coronary. Only kidding about that last part. * In other Elvis news, a Chicago company launched the first all-Elvis digital music channel, offering 2,000 Elvis tracks. None of them are in Norwegian. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Paul Hoffman of Hazleton, Pennsylvania, wasn't too fond of his girlfriend's 18-year-old son Chester Lee Miller, and apparently the boy's mother Lyda wasn't either. According to police, Mom and her lover beat the boy, fed him only scraps, and made him stand in a corner for hours--until he ran away, took a two-day bus ride to Florida in search of his father, and knocked on a stranger's door asking for help. By that time he weighed only 62 pounds. He died in a Milton, Florida, hospital, after his stomach ruptured, causing an infection. Paul and Lyda are both in jail, expecting to argue in their defense that the boy brought it on himself by failing to eat any scraps during those two days on the bus.* Madonna was French-kissing all the girls at the MTV Video Music Awards, including Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. We're shocked! She's old enough to be their surrogate lesbian mother! * Prince William, visiting a Maasai village in Kenya while on vacation, was taught by a tribal elder how to use a hunting spear. He then used his newfound knowledge to kill a small antelope called a dik-dik with a single fling. Animal rights groups in England went nuts, even though the dik-dik became part of a Maasai stew that, we are told, is quite tasty when combined with elephant fillet. * Charles Bronson, Mister Death Wish, finally got his wish at the age of 81 when he succumbed to pneumonia in Los Angeles. The punks and hippies never got him. * Cameron Diaz earned $41 million in the year 2001, making her the highest-paid actress. Besides, she always comes out of her trailer. * The 27 Cistercian monks of Ile Saint-Honorat, an island off the coast of France near Cannes, have planted a hedge to prevent tourists from entering their property. It's their latest attempt to stave off the hordes of sunbathers who arrive every day, leave trash on the island, and act like they're on the Riviera or something. * The Faith Temple Church of the Apostolic Faith in Milwaukee had a special prayer service to cure an autistic 8-year-old boy, restraining him by wrapping him in sheets while the congregation prayed over him for an hour. At the end of that time, the boy ceased to move, because he was dead. Bishop David Hemphill Sr. then pronounced the service a success. "The boy just had a problem in his mind, and what we were doing was asking God to fix it," said the bishop. "He chose to fix it by taking him back home to him." Oh, okay, well, in that case. * Norbert Vollertsen, a German doctor and human rights activist, was attacked by South Koren police and injured while launching helium balloons containing radios into North Korea. Two days later, wearing a neck brace and using crutches, Vollertsen took his place in a protest group outside the World University Games, but he was picked out of the crowd and rushed by seven or eight riot police, knocked out, and carried on a stretcher to the hospital, where his injuries included a muscle contusion on his neck, a heavily damaged left leg, back pain, and the inability to walk or talk. In case you're confused, Vollertsen is protesting against North, not South, Korea, and he's doing it Inside South Korea. The South Korean police obviously have a very strict interpretation of "love thy neighbor." * Oslo is the most expensive city in the world, according to a new survey by UBS, the Swiss bank. Rounding out the top ten, in order, are Hong Kong, Tokyo, New York, Zurich, Copenhagen, London, Basel, Chicago and Geneva. Of the 70 cities ranked, the cheapest in the world are Buenos Aires and Bombay. Which means that, for the price of an apartment in Norway, you could own an office building in Bombay. But you wouldn't be able to order that tasty raw shark finger sandwich with your $7 beer. *= Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore was suspended from the bench as the Ten Commandments Slab Case started to reach theater-of- the-absurd proportions, with Bible-thumping Christians literally thumping their Bibles as they gathered at the Supreme Court building in Montgomery to support the jurist who is defying court orders and staking his whole career on the right to display the Ten Commandments in the courthouse. What are we missing here? If the highest state jurist refuses a court order, doesn't that pretty much throw all law out the window? Must be one of those Pentecostal things. * India has been in an uproar for two weeks over whether it's safe to drink Coke and Pepsi. A report by the respected Center for Science and Environment found unsafe levels of pesticides in both drinks, causing Parliament to ban the colas in its cafeteria and protesters to symbolically smash Coke and Pepsi bottles in nationwide demonstrations. Sales declined 10 to 75 percent in various parts of the country. The government then conducted its own tests, after which the Minister of Health and Family Welfare announced that the pesticide levels were safe according to the standards of India. Especially disturbed were tourists who, having been warned not to drink the water, had been drinking the Cokes. * A mayoral commission is recommending that foreign citizens be allowed to vote in New York City elections, because they already outnumber us anyway. * Alrosa, the Russian mining company, announced it had extracted a 301.55-carat diamond, lemon in color, that was part of an even larger diamond before they hacked it out. According to international trade agreements, diamonds this size must be sold directly to Elizabeth Taylor. * In "Quest for Saddam," a new video game introduced at a gamers convention in Los Angeles, the goal is to hunt down Saddam with weapons that become increasingly powerful as President Bush's approval rating goes down. At one point a Sean Connery impersonator says "Do you know the difference between the Republican Guard and falafel? Falafel has killed more people." One gamer told Wireless Flash, "We bagged the sons, and we'll Bag Dad too." Obviously the ultimate weapon for killing Saddam in this game would be Jackie Mason. * Rural Ottawa County, Michigan, offers a brochure for newcomers featuring a scratch-and-sniff section that reveals . . . the aroma of manure. "The whole purpose," explains Mark Knudsen, director of planning and grants, "is that people should not move into a rural area unless they're willing to accept and embrace the practices that happen on a farming operation." A similar brochure offered by New York City features . . . no, you don't wanna know. * In suburban Melbourne, a man lay dead in the front seat of his car as a parking inspector put a ticket on his windshield. The dead man has 30 days to appeal. * In other corpse news, a man in Kobe, Japan, lived in the same apartment with a dead woman for a week. "I didn't know what to do so I stayed there with her," explained the man, who was taken into custody by police and questioned closely about why he didn't report the body so the proper parking citation could be issued. * Omar Sharif, of "Dr. Zhivago" fame, got into an argument with the roulette croupier while gambling at the Enghien-les- Bains Casino near Paris, and when police were called, he headbutted a cop. Although he was given a one-month suspended sentence and a $1,700 fine, his question was never answered, namely "You call that a number?" (Arguments over roulette are kind of difficult to imagine.) * A stripper at The School House in Jackson, Michigan, allegedly squirted a customer in the face with breast milk--one of the hazards of the job for nursing exotic dancers--but charges were not filed after police were unable to ascertain whether the patron's claim of assault was a squirt or merely an unintentional drip. The statutes are ambiguous on nude performance lactation.* Scenes from domestic life:
* Vernell Jones of Philadelphia, known around the courthouse as The Black Widow, conspired with her boyfriend Kenneth Harold Burno Jr. to kill everyone who had once been Vernell's lover, police say. Already serving five-to-10 for shooting a former boyfriend in October 2001, she recently pled guilty to luring ex- lover John Irving Davis to a secluded parking lot in a conspiracy with Burno to kill him. They were successful, but there are still some of those exes out there who don't yet know the meaning of "crazy ex-girlfriend."

Of course, it happened in New York--the first grand-theft- Segway. A $5,000 Segway was reported stolen on the Upper East Side, and detectives eventually arrested Eddie Wang for felony possession of stolen property, because--think about it--it's kind of hard to fence a Segway. Wang claims he bought the device for $75 from a man in East Harlem. Reportedly the thief wanted to get rid of it fast because the dorkiness was affecting his street cred.

* One in 37 Americans goes to prison, according to a study by the Justice Department's Bureau of Justice Statistics, and as of last month there were 2.1 million people in American jails and prisons--a record number for the entire history of the country. In fact, we're writing this from jail. * Marine Staff Sergeant Sherry Pierre used a Pentagon charge card to get her breasts enhanced. She is now Lance Corporal Sherry Pierre and is working off her $130,000 spending spree (there were other things besides the breasts) in the brig at Miramar, California. The left one's a little droopy, but the right one looks just fine. * British tourists in Greece have been so wild this summer that police authorities are cracking down on the islands of Rhodes, Corfu and Kos, all known for their hedonistic night life. So far two Brits have died of alcohol-related causes, scores of others have been arrested for indecent behavior, and the last straw was a sex contest on a beach. Brits will apparently do anything to live down their reputations. * Desperate Phoenix drivers, faced with a gas shortage caused by a ruptured pipeline, have taken to tailgating tanker trucks to find out which gas station they're delivering to, then waiting until the gas is pumped into the underground tanks. Of course, this wastes more gasoline, which in turn drives up prices (in some places over $4 a gallon), which causes people to be grumpy, but which does not even remotely suggest to anyone that perhaps mass transit would be a good idea out in the desert. * Law enforcement officials from Arizona and Utah met in Salt Lake City for the first Polygamy Summit in order to share investigative techniques for hunting down multiple-wife families in the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and bring them to justice. Things have gotten out of hand since the advent of Viagra. * More than 10,000 died during the French heat wave, most of them elderly people left home alone while their relatives went on vacation. The number of deaths was so high that President Jacques Chirac has been roundly criticized for not interrupting his vacation in Canada during the heat wave, and leading the rest of the world to muse, "They did what to grandma?" * Valdemar Lopes de Moraes, a farmer near the Brazilian town of Montes Claros, went to a clinic to have his earache treated, but got a vasectomy instead when he thought he heard his name called and wandered into the wrong room. He didn't complain or say anything as the doctor prepared an area pretty far away from his ear, and after it was all over and the mistake discovered, he was asked if he wanted it reversed and he said no. Of course, we don't know whether he heard the question or not. * For two years J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. sent reports to credit agencies informing them that David Jokinen of Houston was dead, according to the Wall Street Journal. Jokinen was unable to refinance his house, unable to buy a car, unable to get new credit cards, and unable to do a number of other things that, by his reckoning, cost him $250,000. Tired of writing letters, making phone calls, and constantly reminding J.P. Morgan he was very much alive, he took a news crew to the Houston branch of J.P. Morgan, asked to speak to the manager, gave him a sheaf of documents, and asked the manager to check his pulse. The manager covered up his face with the documents, but J.P. Morgan finally apologized. Despite promising once again to clear everything up, Jokinen is unable to get credit at Radio Shack. Sure, the credit agencies say he's alive now, but how can we be sure? * Icelandic fishermen harpooned their first whale in 14 years, skewering a minke off the west coast, as the nation lustily returned to the world of whaling. Afterwards, the men had a stiff grog. * American officials in London asked the Queen of England for permission to move the U.S. embassy from Grosvenor Square, where it's been located since 1783, to Kensington Palace, the former home of Diana, Princess of Wales--but the queen said no. Over the past two years the current embassy has come to resemble a fortress, surrounded by wire and concrete barriers, closed roads and checkpoints manned by men with assault rifles, so much so that local residents have formed a protest group demanding that the unsightly fortifications be removed. The advantage of moving to Princess Di's old house--built in the 17th century--was that it's surrounded by a large park, can be accessed only by a long winding drive, and could be booby-trapped with land mines. * Deadly kite-flying (yes, that's what we said) has forced a temporary ban of the sport in Lahore, Pakistan, where the reinforced-metal kite string has resulted in fingers sliced off, electrocutions and other entanglements, with 45 people actually dying in various bizarre ways that would normally be featured on the front page of the New York Post. It's not just for hippies anymore. * Chinese scientists at Shanghai Second Medical University mixed human with rabbit DNA in order to grow embryonic stem cells, raising the specter of Oriental Frankenbunnies. * J.L. Hunter "Red" Rountree, released from prison at the age of 90 after serving three years for a 1999 bank robbery in Pensacola, Florida, was arrested for bank robbery in Abilene, Texas, at the age of 91, but this time they think he can be rehabilitated in prison and eventually lead a law-abiding respectable life. * Faced with lagging Big Mac demand and cutbacks all over the world, McDonald's is launching a gourmet Cajun restaurant called Chef Mac's (yes, that's what we said) in New Orleans (yes, that's what we said). The company did have the sense to locate it away from the French Quarter, lest their muffaletta get walloped. * Dr. Erwin Thal, a professor of surgery at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, warned drivers to stop driving with full bladders. Car wrecks are the most common cause of bladder injuries, he says, because seatbelts mash down on full bladders and pop them like balloons. This means that every time little Jamie in the back seat says "I have to go," if Mommy and Daddy answer "You just went!," they're now contributing to little Jamie's potential for internal trauma. Let's just hope the little buggers don't find out about this. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Thirty years ago, Sher Altenhoff placed her infant daughter in paper towels and a plastic garbage bag and left her in an outdoor gazebo in Addison, Illinois. The father made a call to police and hung around until they found the baby. Fortunately the girl, Elizabeth Bagwell, was adopted at the age of two months, but her new mom didn't want her researching her family. When the adoptive mother died in 1996, Elizabeth found her adoption papers and started searching for her birth mother. She appeared on "Unsolved Mysteries" in 2000 and registered on a Web site called BigHugs in October 2001. In April 2002 the birth mother also registered on BigHugs, leading to a "surprise" reunion arranged by CBS for the show "48 Hours Investigates: Family Secrets." After that the long lost mother made two trips to Kingston, Tennessee, to visit her daughter, introduced Elizabeth to her three half-sisters, and bought plane tickets for Elizabeth's two sons to visit their grandmother during the summer. Two days before the boys were scheduled to leave, though, Altenhoff emailed her daughter to say she didn't think it was such a good idea after all, and that, furthermore, she should never call or email again. Apparently family visits once every 30 years are enough. * Scenes from our secure republic:
* Philippe Riviere, an Air France co-pilot, was arrested at New York's Kennedy Airport after joking about having a bomb in his shoe. A New-York-to-Paris flight was canceled, his bond was set at $7,500, and he faces up to seven years in prison for "falsely reporting an incident." The French never could tell a joke right. * As 50 million homes plunged into darkness, the United States blamed Canada, Canada blamed the United States, New York blamed Ottawa, Ottawa blamed something called the Erie Loop, the Erie Loop blamed lightning, a guy in Akron blamed a computer virus, and CNN blamed the irresponsible policies of the Fox News Channel. * The body of Ted Williams has been decapitated and his head has been shaved, drilled with holes and accidentally cracked ten times, according to a report in Sports Illustrated, which also reported that his head and body are both preserved in liquid nitrogen at a facility in Scottsdale, Arizona, that is still trying to collect $111,000 of the $136,000 cryogenics bill. The next time he steps to the plate, pitchers are gonna be terrified. * A Chinese toy company is releasing a George Bush action figure, with the prez dressed in the aviator fatigues he wore when he landed on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, complete with workable zippers, flares, helmet, extra oxygen and a parachute harness. "Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush--U.S. President and Naval Aviator" retails for $39.99. Flexible Congress is optional. * Fox News Channel filed suit against Al Franken, claiming that his new book, "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right," infringes its trademark on the phrase "fair and balanced." Court papers claim that the book is "likely to cause confusion among the public about whether FOX News has authorized or endorsed the book and about whether Franken is affiliated with FNC." Franken and his publisher, The Penguin Group, will now be forced to countersue, arguing that they trademarked the phrase "news channel" in 1967. * Bob Guccione's Penthouse magazine filed for bankruptcy, citing flesh inflation. * Pham Thi Mai Phuong, the reigning Miss Vietnam, was apparently kidnapped by her boyfriend because he didn't want her to leave the country to study business management at Luton University in England. The boyfriend, Nguyen Binh Khanh, is a police officer and the son of the Haiphong police chief, and he personally didn't need no book larnin. * Faced with lagging Big Mac demand and cutbacks all over the world, McDonald's is launching a gourmet Cajun restaurant called Chef Mac's (yes, that's what we said) in New Orleans (yes, that's what we said). The company did have the sense to locate it away from the French Quarter, lest their muffaletta get walloped. * Six financial institutions--Citigroup, J.P. Morgan, Barclays, Deutsche Bank, Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce and Merrill Lynch--conspired with Enron to produce the imaginary numbers that led to its downfall, according to the final report of bankruptcy examiner Neal Batson. But that is so last year. * Opium production in Afghanistan has skyrocketed under United States occupation, causing Russia to appeal to America to do something to stop it. Heroin has flooded into Russia, increasing drug use, HIV epidemics and hepatitis C, leading drug czar Viktor Cherkessov to point out that Afghanistan just recorded its second largest poppy harvest in history, after the drug business had been all but eliminated by the Taliban. Hey, they wanted plows, we gave em plows. * Vincent Gallo, the "Brown Bunny" film director who issued a public curse on Roger Ebert's prostate in retaliation for the way he thought he was abused by the film critic at the Cannes Film Festival, had his assistant call the "Page Six" gossip column to say that the curse was successful. Ebert does indeed have cancer- -not of the prostate but of the salivary gland. Vincent is not into polite networking. * J-Lo ordered a wedding dress from Vera Wang. Why do we always think this is the last time we'll have to write the word "J-Lo"? * California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger released financial statements showing he's worth about $200 million and earned $31 million in the year 2000 and $26 million in 2001. Since Schwarzenegger is the winner of the 1983 Joe Bob Briggs Lifetime Achievement Award, engraved on an Oldsmobile hubcap--we have the picture of the grinning honoree around here somewhere--we think we're entitled to one policy question of the candidate. Here it is: Arnold, we know you love cigars, will you go after the California smoking ban? If so, then . . . Arnold! Arnold! Arnold! * Michael McCormick was driving down a Florida highway when he saw an alligator crossing the road, heading directly for a woman holding two infants and with two children at her side. So he pulled over, made a loop in a length of rope, lassoed the gator, and dragged it back to a fence surrounding a retention pond. His friend called police in nearby Tavares--and the cops told him he was in violation of state wildlife laws and ordered him to cut the rope. They also called the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which showed up and slapped him with a $250 fine for being in possession of an alligator. Then they called for an official state-approved trapper to catch the freed gator, who was no doubt munching on a baby somewhere. * When Alegra's Bridal Shop in Austin, Texas, became infested with ants, owner Nancy Owen thought she would simply exterminate them. Unfortunately, her landlord is an animal rights activist who wouldn't allow any killing to go on, ordering her to "move" the ants instead. Unable to figure out a way to move the ants, she moved her business instead, leaving a wonderful space waiting for a picnic supply store. * A supermarket in the Mendoza province of Argentina is requiring cashiers to wear adult diapers to cut down on toilet breaks, according to a labor union investigating the case. Sounds like an urban myth. Is it true? Depends. * Four homes in Cape Coral, Florida, were hooked up to the wastewater treatment system instead of the purified drinking- water system, resulting in . . . uh . . . we don't want to dwell on that. * The chief priest of a temple in Tokyo was arrested for committing indecent acts on women after predicting their fortunes with tarot cards containing images of female genitalia. "Unless you see a woman's private parts, there's no way you can ever know what destiny the future holds for her," the priest said, vowing to fight the charges. What the future held for these particular woman was having their private parts probed, then lathered with black ink, so the priest could compress rice paper over the top of the genitals and create an image he would save in his card collection for future counseling. Cost of the service: 20,000 yen ($166). That included a complimentary breath mint on the way out. * Supermodel Naomi Campbell says she has "intelligence sources" who keep close tabs on the movements of Osama Bin Laden, which could be explained by the fact that the media does not keep close tabs on the movements of Naomi Campbell anymore. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Caine Cassidy of the Bronx dated Angela Riddick for five years but didn't seem to think that was long enough when she started pulling out of the relationship. First he punched her in the face. Five months later she found a bullet hole in the door of her apartment. Two weeks after that, Cassidy chased her through the streets of Mount Vernon, New York, shooting at her car from his car. That got him arrested, but he was free on bail when he stole a Ford Explorer, then waited outside her apartment building and shot her in the face with a pistol. He then fled to a Toys R Us parking lot, where he shot himself, no doubt swearing eternal love as he died. * Scenes from our secure republic:
* When a package at the Lilburn, Georgia, post office started to vibrate suspiciously, a postal carrier took it into the parking lot and called police. The Gwinnett County bomb squad, the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the Gwinnett County Fire Department evacuated the building and shut down surrounding streets, then sent in a robot to pick up the package and X-ray it. The X-ray showed wires and objects inside, leading to further suspicion. You know where this is going, don't you? Yes, they don't call them vibrators for nothing.*Michael "Nicko" McBrain, the Iron Maiden drummer, arrived for a concert at New York's Jones Beach, became enraged when the parking attendant asked to see his V.I.P. pass, then rammed the attendant with his Jaguar, according to police. He was arrested for assault. His demands to have young people arrested for not knowing who he is went unheeded. * Cheech and Chong are reuniting for their first film in 20 years, which is actually only two dope years. * Environmentalists want to install windmills on platforms in windy Nantucket Sound off Cape Cod, but they're being opposed by, among others, Robert Kennedy Jr. and Walter Cronkite, who claim they'll be ugly and a hazard to yacht navigation. Yes, there are people so rich that a windmill on the horizon disturbs their sense of tranquility. * Two men went on trial for murder in Fort Lauderdale, accused of killing a woman by injecting 12,000 cc's of silicone into each of her buttocks. The alleged crime occurred at a "pumping party," attended by transsexual men who pay $1000 for silicone injections, but in this case the victim was a woman, Vera Lawrence, who wanted an "insane amount" of silicone in her butt, according to the defense attorney. She had been getting the injections for five years, so at the time of death, her butt looked really really hot. * A parents group in Oberlin, Ohio, said they would fight to have a white teacher removed as the instructor in a black history class, claiming that only a black can teach such a class. We know this because of all those American teachers who taught Russian history at universities during the Cold War. They understood so little about the Soviet Union that their research had nothing to do with us, uh, wiping it out. * The Kingdom Life Christian Church in Milford, Connecticut, raised $245,000 to buy a building that houses the Video Pleasures porno shop. They actually think that will work. * All coffee breaks in Orange County, New York, were canceled. Orange County Executive Edward Diana announced the edict to try to repair a $7.5 million budget deficit, reasoning that eliminating the two 15-minute breaks per day will increase the productivity of the 2500 county employees. The good news is that most of them are still allowed to use the restroom. * The United States and Mexico seized thirteen tons (!) of cocaine while rounding up 240 people in the Ismael Zambada Garcia drug ring. Meanwhile, Zambada Garcia relaxed on his ranch in the state of Sinaloa, laid up with the sniffles. * A new Bulgarian vodka claims to eliminate hangovers before they happen by mixing, C, B1 and B2 vitamins, honey, milk and other ingredients into the distilled spirits. It's called Shock, because any Bulgarian who wakes up coherent will be. * Ikea introduced a new children's bunk bed called the "Gutvik"--which was fine in Sweden but means "good fuck" in German. After the newspaper ads appeared for the first time in Germany, IKEA officials spent the day doing damage control and then had a cigarette. * Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden says that, if his team wins the Super Bowl again this year, he'll dance down a highway in Tampa wearing only a jockstrap. Let's hope it's a lonely highway. * Singer Julia Rose was banned from the Borders book store in Fredericksburg, Maryland, because she said President Bush has "chicken legs." Rose is a fitness advocate who suggested the prez pump some iron, but members of the audience took offense, and her regular Borders gig was canceled. The President wanted to kick her ass, but he couldn't swing his legs that hard. * A gay shopping mall, called Victor and Victoria, opened in Sao Paulo, with 34 stores devoted to clothing, underwear, home furnishings, wigs, sex toys and a travel agency. We hear the eclairs are marvelous. * The new Museum of Contraception and Abortion in Vienna needs old condoms, especially the ones that granddad kept in the backroom drawer, as well as antique gynecological instruments and sex-education brochures. The museum already has plenty of antique perverts. * Jerry Lewis told Fox commentator Bill O'Reilly that Marilyn Monroe couldn't possibly have been fooling around with President Kennedy or Frank Sinatra because she was with him the whole time. And once you've had the bellboy, they're all boys. * Marion Waldo McCheney of Pawlet, Vermont, displays mummified roadkill in her home, including frogs, lizards, chickens, turkeys and the occasional mailman. * Frederick McDowell held up the Wells Fargo Bank in Fort Worth, Texas, by passing the teller a note written on the back of his resume, with predictable effects on his future job prospects. * Patre Eugene Williams, nearing the end of his trial on charges of selling cocaine which could result in a 30-year prison term, used a recess in the trial to flee the courthouse in Fort Myers, Florida. Circuit Judge James R. Thompson decided to finish the trial without him. The opposing attorneys made closing arguments, and 30 minutes later the jury returned--with a not guilty verdict. It's unclear exactly what his status is now, but we think the technical term is "fugitive from injustice." * Svetin Gulisija of Seget, Croatia, started a fire in the woods behind his house so he could avoid having sex with his wife Oleandra, according to police. Gulisija probably feels lucky to be in custody. If he was that desperate, the woman could have killed him. * In an obscenity trial in Cincinnati, Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis Jr. played the film "Maximum Hardcore Extreme, Vol. 7" for the jury, but one of the jurors fell asleep during the showing and the judge had to declare a mistrial. We could have told them this was likely in advance. "Maximum Hardcore Extreme, Vol. 7" is an excellent video, but it's no "Maximum Hardcore Extreme, Vol. 6." * Twelve Cuban migrants turned a 1951 Chevy pickup into a boat and floated it to within 40 miles of the United States before they were pulled over by the Coast Guard for failure to indicate a left turn. * A University of Utah study found that using a cell phone impairs driving more than being drunk with a .08 percent alcohol level. Cell phone users suffered a 50 percent drop in the ability to process information. But the most remarkable aspect of the study revealed that drunk drivers using cell phones, smoking cigarettes, and playing a Nine Inch Nails CD were safer than elderly women wearing Easter hats. * The Greek government will open up 30 additional brothels during the summer Olympic games in August 2004 to cope with anticipated demand. Several countries have protested against the decision--including Norway, Sweden, Finland, Iceland, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania, who obviously don't know what "Olympic sport" really means. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Wealthy lawyer Sanford Asher of Scarsdale, New York, fell in love with a Swiss stripper working at the Paradise Club in Manhattan, left his wife and two daughters, and moved into an Upper East Side apartment with Line Grosjean, the all-nude dancer. But Grosjean had another boyfriend, Johnerson James of The Bronx, and together they planned to hire a hit man to kill Asher's wife Jayne and then frame the husband by leaving his glasses at the crime scene. Grosjean gave James $10,000 to pay the hitman, but James got scared and called cops instead, pleading to a lesser charge and avoiding jail. Then he tried to sell nude photos of Asher and Grosjean to Jayne Asher to help with her divorce--but the wife said no thanks. Fortunately the story has a happy ending. Grosjean only served four months in prison, then was released on parole, and found that Sanford Asher is the forgiving sort. He and his stripper are back together, shopping for apartments in Manhattan--and now he wears contacts. * Jane Barbe, the queen of telephone recordings, whose voice was heard an estimated 40 million times a day saying things like "Press '1' to hear your message" on voicemail systems, died in Roswell, Georgia, at age 74, but pressed pound for further options. * The Pentagon cancelled a plan to run a terrorist futures- trading market after it was pretty much ridiculed by everyone on the planet. The architect of the plan, retired rear admiral John M. Poindexter, announced he would step down, because if you can't bet on assassinations, revolutions and coups d'etat, the job is just no fun anymore. * Next to the dead body of Uday Hussein, U.S. troops recovered a briefcase carrying Viagra, cologne, dress shirts, fresh underwear, a silk tie and a condom, according to Newsweek. Now that's an optimist. * A man in Malaysia divorced his wife by leaving a text message on her cell phone, thereby satisfying the Islamic law requiring him to declare his intention. Email divorce, voicemail divorce and the very popular Fax divorce are under review by the Malaysian government, which fears serious polygamous Muslims will start using the dreaded Spam divorce. * Native American rights groups claim that the word "squaw" is a term for female sexual parts and have been trying to get it removed as a public name wherever it's found. Their latest victory came before the Arizona State Board of Geographic and Historic Names, which renamed Squaw Peak in north central Phoenix as "Piestewa Peak," in honor of Lori Piestewa, a Hopi Indian from Tuba City, Arizona, who was the first female American Indian soldier to be killed in combat when she died in the Iraq war. To do so, the board waived its usual five-year waiting period for a name change and rejected a minority recommendation that the mountain be renamed "Vagina Peak." * Everybody was talking about gay marriage, with President Bush stopping just short of a call for a federal ban on it, and the Vatican calling it "gravely immoral." Meanwhile, futures in pastel party favors shot way up. * The first high school for gay students was announced by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. The Harvey Milk High School, opening in September in the East Village neighborhood, represents the first legally segregated school since the integration of Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, in 1957. No news yet as to whether there will be separate drinking fountains for students and the heterosexual janitors. * Democrats in the Texas Legislature fled the state once again in order to deny Republicans a quorum, this time holing up in Albuquerque. Republicans were spitting and fuming about the effort to sabotage their redistricting plan, but the fugitive lawmakers said they were simply indulging their passion for Indian jewelry. * Legendary Sam Phillips of Sun Records, who introduced Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison and Johnny Cash to the world, died in Memphis at the age of 80, and the city was all shook up. * The Artist Formally Known as Prince bought a $10 million mansion in Toronto, apparently because he's fed up with an American music industry that so far won't distribute his new album, "News." He has plans to sell the album directly through Amazon.com, but does he realize he'll now be required to double every song in French? * Teenagers spend more hours a week surfing the Net than watching TV (16.7 vs. 13.6), according to a new study by Yahoo. Nielsen Media Research disputed the study, saying that the average person in fact watches 28 hours of TV a week, and the average young person watches more than that. Nevertheless, network executives rushed to protect their market share by putting a new reality show into production called "Panty Downloads." * The North American Nude Bikers Club held its first rally in Rutherford County, Tennessee, and it was hell on the inner thighs. * Chevy Chase is the frontman for a series of Turkish TV commercials for Cola Turka, the national drink invented to drive Coke and Pepsi out of the country. In one of the spots, Chase parks his station wagon at his suburban home, where his wife is preparing a Turkish meal for a big family gathering. Everyone sings "Take me out to the ball game" at the table--until they take a sip of Cola Turka, then break into a Turkish-language 1930s Boy Scout song. Chase then sprouts a mustache. They say there are some beautiful villas in Ankara. * A seven-year-old Taiwanese boy is being treated for porn addiction. Yeah, we were thinking the same thing. * Sir Mick Jagger celebrated his 60th birthday in Prague with a nice bracing bowl of oatmeal. * A giant naked man bending over backwards with his hands on the ground and a two-foot erection thrusting heavenward was unveiled on the grounds of the Rupertinum Modern Art Gallery in Salzburg just one day before Prince Charles arrived on a state visit, sending Mayor Heinz Schaden into a tizzy with demands to deflate the supersized member. Outraged artists explained that the statue was intended as a tribute to Viagra, and the symbolism of emasculating it would be a blow to Austrian manhood. It's the kind of protocol matter that calls for a condom. * Former baseball star Jose Canseco is auctioning off an afternoon with himself for a minimum of $2,500. Suggested activities for the winning bidder's trip to Canseco's south Florida home include private power hitting instruction, private martial arts instruction, a workout with Canseco, and a cookout by the pool. (Nightclub brawling instruction currently not available.) * Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who accidentally discovered LSD in 1943, observed the drug's 60th anniversary by reminiscing about how he was trying to develop stimulants for the circulatory system in his lab when he made a batch of LSD from ergot, a fungus that grows on rye. Riding his bike home from the office that day, Hofmann had hallucinations, "a beautiful and pleasant trip." His employer, Sandoz AG, distributed the drug free of charge to research labs and clinics until 1966, when it became illegal in most countries. Hofmann is 97 and has some funny-looking tubes and beakers in his bathroom. * A sadomasochistic exercise class called "Slavercise" debuted in New York, with students submitting to the orders of Mistress Victoria, a dominatrix with a riding crop, bustier and fishnet stockings who promises them they'll suffer and threatens them with severe spankings. The students wear face masks, dog collars and rubber suits, and when they do push-ups, they're required to kiss her stiletto heels. Sit-ups are performed with a heel poised over their crotches. Everyone must beg for water. And no one receives praise except Mistress Victoria. No pain, no gain. * 7-Eleven introduced its own private label beer, called Santiago, which is priced lower than Corona and packaged to directly compete with it. One special feature is that a six-pack is the precise size of the space behind a pickup gun rack. * KAQU in Sitka, Alaska, is the only "all whales, all the time" radio station in the country. The station broadcasts sounds picked up in a microphone in the Eastern Channel, where whales make grunting, snapping, popping and singing sounds. The format is not for everyone, but patient listeners will occasionally be rewarded with the rarest sound of all: the whoosh of a harpoon bull's-eye. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Michael Becker saw his estranged wife Lori Ann Becker trying to drive off in the family Volkswagen Jetta, so he ran out of the house wearing only socks and a T-shirt, jumped onto the roof, and began beating her on the thigh with a "small tool" as she drove away. He clung to the roof rack as she raced at high speeds, then crashed the car. Delaware police charged Lori Ann with attempted homicide, assault and drunk driving. Michael was charged with assault and terroristic threats. Most humiliating of all is that Michael was not charged with indecent exposure. Just how small was that "small tool"? * Uday and Qusay, the pig-Latin sons of Saddam Hussein, tried to shoot their way out of a palace as they were besieged by Special Operations forces, soldiers from the 101st Airborne Division, Apache helicopters, A-10 Warthogs and fighter jets. When it was all over, they were dead eatmay. * The Eiffel Tower caught on fire, but quick-thinking Parisians put it out with insults. * Ben Curtis of Kent, Ohio, a total unknown ranked 396th in the world who had never played in England before, won the British Open with the only sub-par score for the four rounds, holding off four of the world's best golfers on the final day: Thomas Bjorn, Vijay Singh, Tiger Woods and Davis Love III. The tournament was played in Sandwich, in the county of Kent, the namesake of Curtis' hometown, where he will be married next month. He has about three weeks now to win the lottery before going back to Mt. Olympus. * Jugglers, tightrope walkers, acrobats and trapeze artists with the Moscow State Circus have been ordered by the European Union to wear hard hats while touring Europe this summer. European regulations require all workers employed at heights greater than the average stepladder to wear protective headgear-- but the Russian performers held a meeting and decided to defy the law. Especially incensed was Goussein Khamdouleav, who performs somersaults without a net on the highest indoor tightrope in Europe (45 feet). He pointed out that the helmet could slip, impair his vision, or throw off his balance. He obviously doesn't understand the meaning of the word "Brussels." * Supreme Court Justice Emily Jane Goodman of New York City ruled that the words "bitch," "slut" and "whore" do not constitute slander because they are "used generically" "in this day and age." The epithets had been hurled by rap deejay Funkmaster Flex in an altercation with rival deejay Big Steph Lova outside radio station Hot 97, where Flex works. Lova had no comment. The ho just went home. * The Nevada Legislature passed an $836 million tax increase that includes a 10 percent tax on "live entertainment," including the livest form of entertainment, prostitution. That's called taking a piece of the piece. * A new game called "Hunting For Bambi," in which men pay $10,000 to track nude women through the desert outside Las Vegas and shoot them with paintballs, has attracted the ire of feminists (surprise!), who say that the company offering the sport--Real Men Outdoor Productions--is violating the dignity of women as well as assault laws. (If a sadist hits a masochist, has a crime occurred? We think not.) Mike Burdick, the enterpreneur who came up with the game, has offered to tone down the game by allowing some women to remove the red bull's-eyes from strategic places on their bodies. * Stonehenge is a giant vagina, according to Anthony Perks, retired professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of British Columbia, writing in the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine. Although the purpose of Stonehenge has been a riddle for centuries, Perks says that, viewed from above, the inner circle represents the labia minora and the giant outer circle represents the labia majora. The altar stone is the clitoris, and the open center is the birth canal. This would fit into that whole Earth Goddess thing, which should be great for lesbian tourism on the Salisbury Plain. * Idi Amin, the former strongman president of Uganda, lapsed into a coma, no doubt brought on by excessive guilt over those 200,000 people he accidentally killed and tortured in the 1970s. * The 11th Earl of Sandwich has set up a business to sell sandwiches. It was the fourth Earl of Sandwich who invented the sandwich during an all-night gambling session when he stuck a hunk of meat between two pieces of bread. The first Earl of Sandwich Cafe will open--where else?--at Disneyworld. The obscure eighth Earl of Sandwich scandalized the family by eating salads exclusively, but no one talks about that anymore. * Corpulent pornographer Al Goldstein had his harrassment conviction overturned by the New York State Supreme Court, which ruled that the prosecutor had stated 40 times in his summation that Goldstein had lied. (Attorneys are not supposed to testify or make conclusions.) Goldstein had left obscene phone messages on his former assistant's voicemail and depicted her in the pages of his Screw magazine as . . . well . . . as just about everything you can accuse a woman of being. The Artist Formally Known as Prince bought a $10 million mansion in Toronto, apparently because he's fed up with an American music industry that so far won't distribute his new album, "News." He has plans to sell the album directly through Amazon.com, but does he realize he'll now be required to double every song in French? * Congressman Pete Stark of California stood up at a meeting of the House Ways and Means Committee and addressed chairman Bill Thomas of California in the following way: "You little fruitcake, you little fruitcake, I said you are a fruitcake." At that point Thomas summoned Capitol Police, claiming he felt physically threatened. When police arrived, they scratched their heads and turned the matter over to the House Sergeant at Arms, who also scratched his head and did nothing. Democrats had been complaining about how Thomas was running the meeting to discuss a pension bill, especially when he wouldn't give them more time to study a text they had received just the night before. To head off a quick vote, the Democrats walked out to discuss the bill in the library. Stark lingered behind, had the confrontation with Thomas, and the cops were called. After the gendarmes left, both Democrats and Republicans rushed to the House floor to denounce one another. By the end of the day, they had exhausted all pastry expletives. * Cornell Jackson, a defendant in an assault trial in Panama City, Florida, involving his ex-girlfriend, suddenly stood up in the courtroom, shouted "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" and dropped his pants, mooning the jury. Deputies and bailiffs jumped on him--carefully- -and hauled him to jail. Three jurors were treated for what is known in the South as Bewtock Trauma. * Trenton Veches, supervisor of a Newport Beach, California youth program, was sentenced to life in prison for sucking the toes of 20 boys. His defense: he suffers from Congenital Juvenile Digitalis. * An auction of an Elvis Presley tooth failed to attract the minimum $100,000 asking price on eBay, snaggling the dreams of Flo Briggs, a Fort Lauderdale hairdresser who normally collects celebrity hair--she has strands shorn from George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon--to promote her salon. The dental artifact was scaring off the electrolysis clients. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Daniel Getter, a decorated corporal on the Doylestown, Pennsylvania, police force, didn't much like it when his fellow officer Dawn Harrison told him she was ending their 18-month love affair. First he left obscene threats on her cell phone during her work shift, then told her "I'm your worst nightmare--you better call everybody in because I'm coming to get you." He drove to the police station with a loaded gun, but was surrounded by the tactical squad and forced to drive away, then arrested a short time later in a park. Didn't the hussy ever hear of the blue code of silence? * Scenes from our secure republic:
* Southeast Airlines announced plans to install digital video cameras throughout the cabins of all its planes in order to record all faces and all activities of all passengers on all flights and keep the information for ten years. The company may even use face-recognition software to match faces to names, creating a handy little database for resourceful divorce lawyers searching for information about just who sat next to Daddy on that business trip to Cancun. * North Korea announced it had the plutonium needed to make six nuclear bombs--enough to create East Korea, West Korea, and the Seoul Deep Mining Region. * The underwear of John F. Kennedy and First Lady Jackie Kennedy was auctioned off in New Jersey, with JFK's Navy-issue monogrammed boxer shorts listed at $10,000 and a pair of Jackie's pantyhose offered at $300. The most valuable item was JFK's "little black book"--the one he used to jot down speech ideas-- but buyers could also avail themselves of his pajama bottoms, one of Jackie's pink evening purses, or daughter Caroline's Barbie doll. (Couldn't she show up and claim that?) Word has it that most of the bidders were owners of kinky theme restaurants in Key West. * Vicious roving cannibalistic packs of chihuahuas--yes, that's what we said--were rounded up by Los Angeles County authorities after a complaint about the dogs running loose on property in Acton, California. They found 236 of them, but 31 died during the roundup when they were mauled by their fellow midget pooches. Fifteen have been placed in foster homes and 36 more placed for adoption, but the remaining 190 have been deemed too vicious to live. A judge in Lancaster will be asked to sentence them to death, but meanwhile Gregory Peck's daughter-in- law, Kimi Peck, is leading a chihuahua-advocay group--yes, that's what we said--in a last-minute effort to have the animals reprieved. They're not that dangerous, she says, especially if you wear metal shin guards. * Professor Gunther von Hagens, the man who performed the first public autopsy in 170 years on England's Channel 4 last fall, is at it again. This time he'll do a televised autopsy of a boy from Kazahkstan who had been growing inside his twin brother. The inner twin was male, alive, and had part of a head, hair, teeth, limbs and nails--until he was surgically removed. The professor will explain, in a series called "Body Shock," that it's a case of "foetus in fetu," in which one twin fetus grows around the other at an early stage of development. The program is expected to set ratings records once again because of the Icky Factor. * Ninety per cent of women who cheat feel no guilt about having an extra-marital affair, according to Susan Shapiro Barash's new book on infidelity, "A Passion for More." Their most common reaction is that they feel "entitled" to the affair. Although only 25 percent of the women actually marry their lovers, 60 percent have had affairs and 65 percent say that sex is better with the lover than with the husband. Interestingly, 97 percent of them purchase Victoria's Secret items that they would never waste on a spouse. * Asashory, the Mongolian superstar of Sumo wrestling, was shamefully disqualified after grabbing his opponent's topknot and pulling him to the ground by his hair. Should have gone for the diaper. * Ulysses S. Grant fans were not amused by the Fourth of July performance by Beyonce Knowles on the steps of Grant's Tomb. Frank Scaturro, president of the Grant Monument Association, fired off a letter to NBC, Interior Secretary Gale Norton and National Parks Service Director Fran Mainella, complaining of "lascivious choreography" and a lack of decorum by the former Destiny's Child singer. We can't help thinking that the lusty larger-than-life Grant might have enjoyed it. Unfortunately, Mrs. Grant is buried there as well. * Former Cincinnati mayor and talk show host Jerry Springer filed as a Democrat to run for the Ohio Senate seat of George V. Voinovich in 2004. Springer's platform includes leniency for transvestite hookers who are honest about who they are as people. * Regina Kaiser, an East German dissident who was tortured and imprisoned for three years in the early eighties for smuggling anti-government writings to the west, has married her torturer, Uwe Karlstedt, and the lovebirds are expecting their first child. They've written a book about their experience, during which Karlstedt was brutal and Kaiser whispered her love for him in secret code. And people thought "Secretary" was kinky. * Brad Barnhill, a preacher in the First Christian Fellowship for Eternal Sovereignty of Ravenna, Ohio, says that his wife can't be prosecuted in the courts because, according to his religious beliefs, he's the only one responsible for her actions in public and the only one empowered to punish her. His wife, Catherine Donkers, was stopped by the Ohio Highway Patrol and charged with child endangerment, failure to comply with the orders of a police officer, and several other infractions after she was spotted breast-feeding her baby while driving on the Ohio Turnpike. Her defense will be "My husband made me do it," and her husband's defense will be "The damn woman won't listen." * When locksmith Robert M. Peters Sr. of Bangor, Maine, went to install a lock, he stayed to chat with a recently divorced woman who claims he made an off-color remark about her beauty and then exposed his erect penis, three inches of which protruded from the bottom of his shorts. When the case came up before a jury at the Northampton County Courthouse in Easton, Peters' defense was that it was impossible--because his penis is only four inches long when fully erect. According to a reporter for The Express-Times covering the trial, Peters then proved it. The 312-pound man dropped his pants for the jury, after which his lawyer suggested that the alleged victim probably saw a fold of the man's flab, not his penis. "What she saw," said lawyer Gary Asteak, "I suggest to you was a thigh. An ugly thigh, indeed." After examining Polaroids of Peters' two-inch non-erect penis, the jury agreed and found him not guilty. The victim complained that Peters had initially shocked her by complimenting her breasts. Peters claims she was talking about her husband leaving her for a younger woman and asking if he thought she was ugly. "I didn't know what to say," Peters said. "I said she was pretty. I said she has nice legs." She then looked at Peters' crotch, screamed and told him to leave. Peters tried to look at his own crotch, but his stomach obstructed his view, so he felt it to make sure he wasn't accidentally exposed. She continued screaming, so he left. "I just figured it was someone trying to get out of paying the bill," Peters said. It will be forever after known in legal annals as the Case of the Abbreviated Peters. * A restaurant in Chengdu, China, was shut down after health inspectors found old underpants being used as dish cloths. Everyone knows that in this particular part of Szechuan, dish cloths are normally made from old athletic supporters. * Scientists at the University of Wisconsin claim that hamburgers act on the body in the same way as nicotine and heroin, altering the biochemistry of the brain like an opiate. Social reformers are advocating free MethaMac clinics to bring people down easy. * Buddy Ebsen's romance novel--yes, that's what we said--has sold briskly since his death. "Kelly's Quest," the story of a Hollywood stagehand searching for Mr. Right, was published in 2001 but wasn't doing too well until recently. The steamy payoff chapter is a fantasy sex sequence with Miss Jane being ravished by Jethro. * A Maxwell Smart-style wristwatch telephone sold out in two months (5,000 units) after being introduced in Japan. The $310 four-ounce Wristomo can be used on the wrist or snapped off and straightened into a handset. Seiko Instruments, the manufacturer, has no plans to offer the Wristomo in other countries, saying at this point the Dork Factor is not high enough outside Japan. * A $30 talking Bill Clinton doll, just released by an Irvine, California company, says "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" and "It depends on what the meaning of is is." Future versions will have less well publicized sayings of the President, such as "Fleetwood Mac sucks." * Scenes from domestic life: * Judith Garland of Baltimore landed in jail on a drug charge, but couldn't raise $25 to pay a bail bondsman to get her out. So she called a cousin from jail and, according to police, offered to sell her two-year-old son to the cousin for $250. The state then took the son away from her and gave temporary custody to the cousin, proving that it was a good idea in the first place. * Bush spent the week in the bush, fending off requests from African leaders to put American troops on the dark continent, especially in Liberia, where the people are clamoring for GIs. United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan was urging Washington to lead forces into Liberia as well, but Bush told the bushmen the troops may already be bushed. * Barry White never never gave up, nor did he get enough of your love, babe, but it wouldn't be much ecstasy to lay down next to him right now. * The Erectile Dysfunction Wars are stiffening up, with Bayer AG and GlaxoSmithKline expecting approval of their new Levitra johnson-enhancer this month, thereby challenging the turgidly towering Viagra, owned by Pfizer. But that's not the only piston- pumper in the works: Eli Lilly and Icos expect to spring their new Cialis pill out of their jockey shorts by the end of the year, resulting in an array of droop-reversal drugs worthy of a rabbit warren. * The Pentagon doubled its original estimates for the cost of the war in Iraq, saying the first nine months of this year would average $3.9 billion per month. To put this in perspective, the Iraq war alone for 2003 will cost the equivalent of the combined budgets for NASA, all foreign aid, all pollution control, the FBI, the National Cancer Institute, and all the national parks. We would all feel better about if they would find just a little poison in steel drums somewhere. * Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi won the Coney Island hot-dog eating contest for the third year in a row, consuming 44 1/2 dogs (equaling 13,750 calories and 896 grams of fat) in 12 minutes, but failing to beat his world record of 50 1/2. He felt humiliated, but that was nothing compared to William "The Refrigerator" Perry, who entered the contest to great fanfare but finished only a measly four dogs. The secret, the Fridge learned, is to get fat during the contest. * Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers was charged with imprisoning a 19-year-old room service girl at the Lodge & Spa at Cordillera in Edwards, Colorado, then sexually assaulting her. Thousands of fans in Los Angeles rallied to Bryant's defense, claiming that everyone knows that when Bryant calls for room service, he means room service. * Dezerrie Cortes applied for 27 marriage licenses over the last 19 years and married men from Ecuador, the Dominican Republic, Peru and Pakistan in what New York District Attorney Robert Morgenthau says was a series of green-card scams. She was arrested along with five other alleged rent-a-brides who had a top nuptial price of $1,000. Since New York is notorious for having more available women than men, these must have been some exceptionally ugly illegal aliens. * At the dedication of the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor pulled on a ceremonial ribbon to open the curtain--and instead caused a 40- foot-wide metal picture frame to come crashing down, injuring three dignitaries and throwing the ceremony into chaos. The Philadelphia Police Counter-Terrorism Unit, the FBI, and the U.S. Park Police all swarmed onto the scene to check for terrorists or, what seems more probable, slacker stagehands. * R.K. Sharma, environmental secretary for the Indian state of Uttar Pradesh, was suspended from office for approving a restaurant complex and shopping mall to be built around the Taj Mahal. Construction on the project was halted--and The Gap is peeved about it. * Estel Wood "Ed" Kelley, a food industry executive who introduced Grey Poupon, A-1 Steak Sauce and Cool Whip to America, died in Indianapolis at age 86 after drowning his food. * "Terminator 3" took in $44 million over the July 4th three- day weekend, and "Legally Blonde 2" earned $22.9 million--both far below what industry analysts had expected, indicating that America's love affair with sequels may be petering out. Motion picture ticket sales are running 5 percent behind last year, and the creative geniuses in Hollywood say there's only one solution: "Rocky VI." * Prostitutes in Hunedoara, Romania, have started accepting installment payments so that factory workers can manage their sex budgets better. Amazingly, they accept time payments after the sex, instead of using . . . the layaway plan. * The local council in Golant, England, wanted to print a tourist map, but before doing so they suggested a name change for one of the village streets: Cowshit Lane. Long-time residents were outraged, and refused the proposal. It's their heritage. * Beauty queen Wu Rong was fired as the weather girl on the Hunan Entertainment Channel in southern China, because her five- minute program--in which she appeared in scanty fashions while offering beauty and fashion tips geared to the forecast--was deemed too racy for a nation of dedicated Communist workers. But isn't "thong" a Chinese word? * Ashlie Williams of New Orleans tried to pay for her groceries at Sav-A-Center with a check and a driver's license. The cashier on duty was Gennifer Robinson, whose checkbook and driver's license had been stolen from her car five days earlier. Yes, there is a God. * The Daily Planet, the first brothel to be traded on the Australian Stock Exchange, raised $3.5 million in its initial public offering, with shares offered at 50 cents each, opening at 70 cents, and trading at 90 to 95 by the end of the first day. The Melbourne company plans to open a chain of Australian brothels as well as a "mega-brothel" in Sydney and has hired Hollywood ex-con madam Heidi Fleiss to offer business ideas. First item to be discussed: dress code at the annual shareholders meeting. * The Fire Department of Elma, Washington, conducted a training exercise by burning down a two-story house--that the police chief had just purchased and was planning to fix up for his ailing parents. They don't have a "This Old House" video for this one. * Jack Altsman of Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, went deer hunting with his father on his own property--and ended up sentenced to 15 years in federal prison. Because Altsman had two burglary convictions, he was not allowed to possess a firearm, so the judge was forced to follow a mandatory sentencing law called the Armed Career Criminal Act that required a minimum of 15 years. Altsman had waived his right to a jury trial and pled guilty, not realizing that when the judge proved to be a letter- of-the-law sort of guy, he would end up looking like a deer on the first day of season. * When shops in Tainan, Taiwan, ran out of surgical masks, villagers started strapping bras to their faces to ward off SARS. At the local bra factory, workers cut the bras in half and sewed on extra straps, making everyone feel relieved, if not dignified. * A 2,000-year-old bottle of wine was found in Xi'an, China, by archeologists excavating a tomb full of drinking vessels, bronze bells and jade. The bluish wine was encased in a bronze jar in the shape of a phoenix head. Experts immediately called for Robert Parker, the noted oenologist, to taste it and decide whether it can be consumed now or we need to wait another millennium or so. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Pearsall Leroy Gerald of Macon, Georgia, hated his girlfriend's grandmother, so one day he beat her with a four-foot stick, kicked her repeatedly in the face, poured fire ants onto her, stole her car, and took $300 from her to pay a debt to a drug dealer. The girlfriend is reconsidering the relationship. * The President announced that six unnamed men would be charged with unspecified crimes and tried in secret before a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay, which is a legal no-man's land beyond the reach of any statute. He told the families of these men not to worry, because they'd all have fine secret unnamed lawyers. * The William Wrigley Jr. Company applied for U.S. patent #6,531,114, which would deliver Viagra through chewing gum. One of the interesting side effects is that you can stand on your tongue. * Israel declared victory over the 33-month Palestinian uprising as rebel forces came to the bargaining table. If they play their cards right, the Palestinian leaders should be able to negotiate an agreement that they be unchained from the table any day now. * Daily attacks continued on American troops in Iraq as the United States offered a $25 million reward for the capture of Saddam Hussein or confirmation of his death. Meanwhile, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld raged at the press for using the word "quagmire." There are no swamps in Iraq. The proper term is "hellhole." * Unemployment rose to 6.4 percent, the highest level in nine years, indicating that President Bush's latest round of tax cuts failed to do the trick. Administration officials were quick to attack the new figures, indicating there was no truth to reports that, at the time President Clinton left office, the United States was a nation at peace with a huge surplus and full employment, and that now it's a nation constantly at war with the largest deficit in history, a weakening currency and no jobs. * The House of Commons voted 362 to 154 to ban fox hunting, setting up a showdown with the House of Lords, which vows to protect the ancient British pastime. Lost in the minutiae of the debate was the fact that, while fox hunting is still a matter of debate, the new law is almost certain to strike down deer and rabbit hunting, a move that, if passed in the United States, would probably start a revolution. The idea of Elmer Fudd in jail is just too horrifying to contemplate. * A joint study by the University of Tuebingen and the Hanover Medical School in Germany proved that children who snore don't do as well in school as those who don't. Pulse rates and blood oxygen levels were measured in 1,144 Hanover school children between the ages of eight and ten, and those who snored were three to four times more likely to get bad grades in math, spelling and science. School officials are still digesting the results of the study, but one solution might be to use special in-room study monitors who would jostle the student's head every time he snores. * Raymond C. Dublin, a three-time convicted foot-licker who served a year in prison for putting his tongue on the feet of female shoppers in Rhode Island, was rearrested at a Bellingham, Massachusetts, supermarket for, once again, sneaking up behind a woman and then quickly licking her feet and toes. We have a female-empowerment suggestion for this particular crime: any form of footwear, properly applied to the teeth, prevents further assault, no matter how tiny the victim. *

Jodie Moore, an Australia native who stars in porn movies in Los Angeles, is running for Lord Mayor of Brisbane. The star of "Casting Couch Confessions," "Backstage Pass: All Access," "New Girls in Town," "Lust World," "Women of the World," "Other Face of Pleasure" and "Perfect" is also trying to interest networks in a reality show that would follow her on the speaking circuit as she campaigns her brains out. * Brian Maccaba, a powerful London computer executive, tried to buy a man's bride for $1 million, according to papers filed in a court case. Maccaba noticed Nathalie Attar after she started teaching at a pre-school run by a Jewish charity that Maccaba chairs. He became so obsessed that he wrote a letter to her husband offering a "golden key" that would "set her free" and allow her husband to regain "his bachelor's freedom" and become a playboy in the south of France. Nathalie turned to Rabbi Dayan Lichtenstein for advice, and Lichtenstein said things about Maccaba that ended up as the basis of a slander suit. Eventually the Attars fled to Israel, leaving Maccaba to defend his letter. He claims it was a poem taken out of context. Roses are red, violets are blue, here's a million dollars, reverse your "I do." * Two ax-wielding naked men were arrested for menacing vacationers in Telemark, Norway. It wasn't the ax so much, said the complainants, it was the concept. * David A. Hughes of Johnson City, Tennessee, knocked off a branch of First Tennessee Bank in Knoxville, fled in a car, got confused in traffic, and 45 minutes later ended up back at the bank he had just robbed, where he was arrested. The signs in Johnson City aren't so goldurn complicated. * Scientists have almost perfected a process for making a fart-free bean. Researchers at Simon Bolivar University isolated the alpha-galactosides in the "phaseolus vulgaris," better known as the French bean, the haricot, the kidney bean, the frijol, and the Boston baked bean, which was first domesticated in Mexico around 5000 B.C. The researchers say that by rinsing the beans in water, grinding them in a mill, then allowing the bean flour to ferment, almost all the flatulence-producing alpha-galactosides will vanish within 96 hours, with no loss in "protein digestibility, texture or aroma." Soon we'll be able to load up on burritos on the first date. *

At a sellout show in Milton Keynes, England, Eminem announced from the stage that he was going to pick out the prettiest girl in the audience and give her a diamond necklace worth 275,000 pounds. He chose 19-year-old Sian Fox of Reading, going down on his knee and handing her the necklace and cross. She had to be rescued by bouncers so she wouldn't be mugged. Her real surprise came later, though, when she had the necklace appraised by an expert. Jeweler Dave Baddeley said the necklace is actually worth about 50 pounds. "The chain is nickel," he said, "and would probably stain your clothes if you wore it too much." They don't call it show business for nothing. * Microsoft unveiled the first porta-potty with Internet access. Called the "iLoo," it features a wireless keyboard, plasma screen and high-speed Internet access, and it's being showcased at summer music festivals in Britain, the same country where in 2001 Microsoft installed an Internet-enabled park bench. This further proves that you want your friends to be on-line, but you don't necessarily want to know what they're doing while they're on-line. * Tran Quoc Du, a Vietnamese tae kwon do teacher, was killed while singing karoke when he was electrocuted by his microphone. His last words, of course, were "Come on, baby, light my fire." * A Sigma Chi fraternity pledge was forced to eat eight pounds of beans, and another was imprisoned in a walk-in freezer so long that he developed hypothermia, according to University of Arizona officials. Other rites of initiation included throwing firecrackers at sleeping pledges, dumping food on them and forcing them to do calisthenics, and making one pledge eat his own vomit. Members of the fraternity also complained that hazing took place, but those stories couldn't be verified. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Disgruntled boyfriend Christopher Burgess of West Islip, New York, interrupted ex-girlfriend Dana Hauser's Thanksgiving dinner with her new beau with a phone call, in which he said, "I've got a gun and I'm coming over. I'm going to kill your boyfriend, and you're going to have to live with it." A few minutes later, a black Thunderbird pulled into her street in Lindenhurst, so she dialed 911. Police swarmed the neighborhood looking for Burgess, but it turned out the black Thunderbird didn't belong to him. He arrived later, in an identical car, and six cops met him as he emerged from the vehicle brandishing a shotgun. The cops fired and he fell to the ground. He then sat up, pointed the gun at his own head, then back at officers. They fired a second time, finishing him off--although, by that time, the turkey was cold. * The Supreme Court struck down sodomy statutes in Texas, setting off orgiastic rites of sodomite celebration throughout the land of Sam Houston, the Alamo, cattle and oil. Because of the 6-3 ruling, it's now illegal to pick 'em off with a rifle. * Poland Spring water is actually tap water that comes from places surrounded by asphalt parking lots, according to a class action lawsuit filed against Nestle, owner of the brand, in Connecticut. Among other things, the suit points out that the actual Poland Spring in the woods of Maine hasn't flowed since 1967, and that the big Nestle plant 30 miles away from Poland Spring ozonates and filters the water just like a city water system, so that it's not spring water at all. Nestle's defense will be that the word "Poland" in the name indicates that the product is spring water from a Polish point of view. * Aaron Barschak dressed up in an Osama Bin Laden costume, scaled a wall at Windsor Castle, talked his way past security guards, and crashed Prince William's 21st birthday party. When Scotland Yard was asked to defend the "appalling" breach of security, they said they knew they'd seen the face before, but they couldn't quite place it. * The war in Iraq spilled over into Syria, as Task Force 20 gunships blew away a convoy of Iraqis after it had crossed over the Syrian border. The Pentagon couldn't say who was killed, how many were killed, who was travelling in the convoy, why it was targeted, why Syrian border guards were shot, or anything else about the raid, indicating it was just for practice. * Ivo Karlovic, a totally unknown 6-foot-10 Croatian with a speech impediment, beat defending champion Lleyton Hewitt in four sets in the opening match of the first day at Wimbledon. Hewitt is only the second defending champion in the history of Wimbledon to lose his opening-day match, and Karlovic is the first Croatian giant to win the first Grand Slam match of his career by defeating a defending Grand Slam champion without using his tippy-toes. * Greece and Turkey are up in arms over the European Union's attempts to ban the sale of animal intestines, brains, livers and organs, threatening sandwiches like the "kokoresti," which consists of greasy fried lamb intestines stuffed into a toasty pita. Fortunately the Brain-Tissue-in-a-Bladder Burger is not affected, since it is baked and sold only in Cyprus. * The Langenort, a Dutch tugboat with a mobile abortion clinic aboard, docked at Wladyslawowo, Poland, causing panic and outrage among the Catholic hierarchy as women lined up to be carried into international waters, examined by doctors, and possibly given the RU-486 abortion-inducing drug. Abortion is illegal in Poland, as is French-kissing before marriage. * Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah called for automatically destroying the computers of people who download copyrighted materials from the Internet without paying for them. A day later a British company called Milonic Solutions confirmed that Hatch's own computers were using an unlicensed copy of a JavaScript menu owned by Milonic. Ready. Aim. Hack Hatch. * American women have three to ten times greater amounts of a chemical flame retardant in their breasts than women in Europe and Japan. In a study by the Hazardous Materials Lab of the California Department of Toxic Substances Control, researchers found PBDEs, or polybrominated diphenyl ethers, are found in San Francisco at levels higher than anywhere else in the world. They come from flame retardants used in polyurethane foam, textiles and plastic electronic casings, but no one knows how they get into the body. They can interfere with the thyroid gland and delay neurological development. The only beneficial side effect of the PBDE concentration is that it makes it virtually impossible for your breasts to burst into flame. * A new date-rape drug harvested from the borrachero tree of Ecuador has been used on hundreds of victims in Colombia, who voluntarily turn over their bank accounts and belongings, then can't recall later what happened. Colorless, odorless and tasteless, the drug makes victims so docile that they often help their captors to empty their accounts or rape them. Called scopolamine, the drug blocks the formation of memories, unlike traditional date-rape drugs, which store the memories in a place that can be accessed by hypnosis. The most unusual case so far involves three women who rubbed scopolamine on their breasts, then encouraged men to lick them, after which the men were held captive for days while their bank accounts were slowly drained at ATMs. The men were reluctant to go to police at first, presumably because they didn't want to answer the question, "The last thing you remember is what?" * Prison guard Don Gorske of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, has eaten 19,000 Big Macs since 1972 and recorded every one of them in his journal. There was one around 1984 that had no special sauce. * Khurshid Bibi of Ghaziabad, Pakistan, is pregnant at the age of 79, according to doctors who treated her in Multan. Her 85- year-old husband is already getting endorsement offers. * The janitor at the public library in Boulder, Colorado, mistook an art exhibit for trash and threw it away. The exhibit, called "My Favorite Place to Walk in Boulder, or, Found Trash Objects," was, in fact, random litter from the city. "It doesn't matter whether the items were lost or thrown away," explained University of Colorado art professor George Rivera, whose students assembled the exhibit. "The point is that no one picked them up to put them in the trash." In that case, the mistake by the janitor invalidates the original artistic justification for the exhibit, but it can be simply remedied by retitling it "My Favorite Place to Dumpster-Dive in Boulder." * Former porn star Sandra Margot is auctioning off the use of her womb on eBay for $500,000 plus medical costs. Better known as "Tiffany Millions," the star of such classics as "The Adventures of Mr. Tootsie Pole," Margot says the high price of her surrogate motherhood is due to her blue eyes, her blonde hair, her good looks, and her high IQ. She also says her husband is turned on by the idea of sex with a pregnant woman. So obviously it's not a full-season rental of Margot's body. It's a time-share. * According to a poll by iMatchup.com, 21 percent of Americans love sex on the first date, but 39 percent refuse to have first- date sex regardless of how much they like the date. The other 40 percent are presumably just plain ugly. * A Salt Lake City funeral director with the redneck Egyptian name of Corky Ra is selling mummification as a burial alternative. More than 1,400 people have already signed over their life insurance polices to Ra, so that instead of decomposing in a grave, their bodies will be preserved forever. His "Permanent Body Preservation System" costs $74,000, but includes no guarantee that 5,000 years from now you won't be unearthed and displayed in a travelling exhibit called "Mysteries of the Yuppies." * Scenes from our secure republic:
* Celebrity chef Alton Brown was forced to surrender a ten-inch Caphelon omelet skillet to federal security officials at the Allentown, Pennsylvania, airport, even though he had carried the skillet onto dozens of planes as he travelled around the country giving cooking demonstrations. The screener refused to give in, fixing Brown with a glinty eye and preparing to tussle if necessary, following closely the Celebrity Chef Hijacking Scenario they taught him in federal Deputy Dawg school. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Lawrence Schaub needed a little extra cash, so he put his 10-month-old daughter Savannah up for sale. He even made a promotional film called "The Most Beautiful Baby in the World" and then closed a deal to sell her for $60,000--to an undercover cop. A Michigan appeals court eventually dismissed child abandonment charges against him, because the 1858 precedent in the case allowed punishment only for children subjected to a "hazard of personal injury." Hey, it wasn't like he was letting her go cheap. * Intelligence analysts believe that Saddam Hussein is alive and hiding out somewhere in Iraq. The reason he's been able to avoid the searches of Task Force 20--which includes the Army's Delta Force, the Navy's counter terrorism squads, and the CIA--is that he found a place they'll never think to look: the weapons- of-mass-destruction storage facility. * Taipei 101 will be the tallest skyscraper in the world when it's completed in Taiwan's capital next year, beating out the current leader by 165 feet, according to the Wall Street Journal. (That would be the Petronas Towers in Malaysia.) Not to be outdone, the World Financial Center in Shanghai will be even taller than Taipei 101 when it's completed in 2007, but Hong Kong and Seoul claim their towers--still in the planning stages--will be even higher. Once the Japanese architects get financing for a building called X-Seed 4000, the contest is likely to be over. That building would rise two and a half miles, higher than Mount Fuji. The elevator would require a condom. * Heidi Fleiss, the ex-con Hollywood madam, gets turned back at the border every time she tries to go to Canada. On May 18 she landed at the Vancouver airport to film an infomercial for a "sexual enhancement cream," but was denied admission to the country. Then on June 11 she headed for Toronto to sign her new book, "Pandering," and appear on a celebrity talk show, but once again immigration authorities told her she was not welcome in Mooseland. What's really interesting about this is that prostitution is legal in Canada; their only problem with Heidi, according to an official who wished to remain anonymous, is that "she's just groady." * Lyman Faris, an Ohio truck driver, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for conspiring to destroy the Brooklyn Bridge by cutting its suspension cables--something that experts say is virtually impossible. Before carrying out the attack, Osama Bin Laden also intended to buy the bridge and take out a hefty insurance policy on it. * Seven Iranians set themselves on fire in European capitals, and the Paris police detained 100 people to prevent further attempts by the Mujahedeen Khalq to light themselves up. The group, whose goal is the overthrow of the Islamic government in Iran, apparently misread a memo instructing them to ignite the revolution. * Ticlopidine, a drug that costs $100 a month, is supposed to prevent strokes in blacks, but researchers in Chicago released results showing that it works just about as effectively as . . . aspirin. Many people will continue to use it, however, as it has a cooler name. * A panel advising the Food and Drug Administration gave preliminary approval for the use of a growth-hormone drug called Humatrope to be prescribed for short children who are going to need a little help getting up to 5-foot-3 for men, 4-foot-11 for women. This is going to be hell on carnivals. * The scandals at the New York Times now include dead people. A Pulitzer Prize subcommittee has been appointed to determine whether the 1932 prize awarded to Times correspondent Walter Duranty should be revoked because of complaints that he ignored the famine in the Ukraine. What if the prize is in his coffin with him? * A new birth control pill called Seasonale limits the menstrual cycle to four periods a year. Women take active pills for 84 days, followed by seven days of placebo pills to trigger menstruation. The only known side effect is that the 33-day PMS period can include actual fire-breathing. * Dr. Robin Moore-Steele has patented grooved women's panties called "Ruby LaRue" that stimulate sensitive sexual parts with every movement of the pelvis. They're expected to make actual males obsolete within six years. * The Tennessee legislature banned porn movies on video players in cars. Two hands on the wheel at all times. * Cheeta, the last chimpanzee to star in a Tarzan movie, celebrated his 71st birthday in Palm Springs, where he was declared "oldest chimp in the world" by the Guinness Book of World Records. Cheeta paints and plays the piano for Dan Westfall, the caretaker who adopted him from Tony Gentry, Cheeta's animal trainer, after Gentry's death. It should be noted that anyone who can still paint OR play the piano in Palm Springs is considered young. * Zyness O'Haver and Sallie Warren were married at the Oklahoma City courthouse after living together for 77 years. Three of their four grandchildren showed up at the ceremony at which 95-year-old Zyness married a younger woman. (Sallie is 94.) Relationship experts say that, in a case like this, with extensive pre-marital sex, the marriage usually falls apart in a matter of a few years. * Hookers in Spotsylvania, Virginia, give discount rates to high school students, according to police who busted a massage parlor. It explains all that missing lunch money. * Jose Rivera was cremated May 9, 1996, but his ashes were discovered seven years later in the hair dye section of a KMart in West Covina, California. The remains from his hair looked great. * Paul Tay of Tulsa was arrested for riding his bicycle with a giant inflatable penis on the back, throwing a bottle at the windshield of a car that swerved toward him, and committing the crime while wearing a bulletproof vest, which is a violation of the body-armor law. What did they expect him to do, take a bullet for his penis? * New Salem Missionary Baptist Church of Birmingham, Alabama, fired its pastor, Rev. Stanley B. Hall Sr., for calling a mandatory service at kickoff time on Super Bowl Sunday. When three deacons and three trustees failed to show up, they were dimissed as deacons and trustees. Hall is now suing to get his job back. If successful, he could take the pulpit again around World Series time. * Five hundred students were evacuated from Herbert Elementary School in Chicago after two mothers got into an argument in the lobby and one of them used pepper spray, causing officials to activate the school's fire alarm. Four children and four adults were treated at the scene. Six others were taken to the hospital, treated and released. Two others said "Mooooooommmmm! Why did you dooooooooo that? So embarrrrrrrrrasssing!" * Dick Smothers Jr., son of the famous comedian, has become an actor in porn movies and owner of an adult entertainment Web site. Smothers explained that he has "an incredibly overactive libido" and now wants to become "the Orson Welles of porn," eventually starring, writing, directing and doing the music for X-rated projects. To which we say: the music? Porn music? Now that's a goal that can create some good in the world. * A 60-year-old man apparently took the words "petting barn" way too seriously when he was arrested for bestiality at the Canada Agriculture Museum in Ottawa after receiving oral sex from one cow and one calf in the very public area. Where's PETA? Those are some desperately deprived animals. * When the ARO Campulung car factory in Romania announced layoffs, employees came up with an idea to save their jobs. One hundred men offered to donate sperm and pay the money to the company. The math didn't work out, though. Each of the workers would have needed to donate sperm 400 times to raise enough money, and the price of Viagra made that impractical. The factory still has to pay $20 million in debts and fire 1,000 workers, besides which their wives have been very grumpy lately. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Teenager Pablo Hernandez of San Jose, California, decapitated a dog, a bird and his mother, then called 911 to tell police what he had done. He was sorry. * Hans Blix, the United Nations weapons inspector who was prevented from returning to Iraq, said there was a "smear campaign" to prevent him from doing his work, telling a British newspaper, "I have my detractors in Washington. There are bastards who spread things around, of course, who planted nasty things in the media." He's obviously just full of sour grapes because the U.S. and British military found the weapons of mass destruction so much more quickly than he could. * Governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts called for the resignation of University of Massachusetts president William Bulger after Bulger failed to assist the FBI in finding his brother, James "Whitey" Bulger, who is on the Ten Most Wanted list in connection with 21 murders. (The UMass president took the Fifth Amendment before a Congressional committee.) Bulger says he has no plans to leave office, and just because a family member is accused of killing 21 people, that doesn't mean every member of the family killed an equal number. * Muslim clerics in Indonesia are enraged by pop singer Inul, who does a form of dangdut dancing called "the drill" while dressed in clingy pink jumpsuits. Based on bootleg photographs, we can report that Inul's whole dang dangdut duts. * Jerry Springer announced he might run for U.S. Senator from Ohio in 2004, but he's testing his candidacy on a Web site first (www.runjerryrun.com). Springer's political career started on the Cincinnati City Council, from which he resigned after admitting he wrote personal checks to pay prostitutes. (Is that illegal? Should he have used a business check?) He was later elected mayor of Cincinnati but lost in his bid for the Democratiac nomination for governor in 1982. Altogether now: Jeh-ree Jeh-ree Jeh-ree. * Baltimore filmmaker John Waters, of "Hairspray" fame, is threatening to sue Nickelodeon's cartoon movie "Rugrats Go Wild" for stealing "Odorama," the scratch-and-sniff cards used for his 1981 comedy "Polyester." Paramount, which is releasing the new film, not only used the name "Odorama," which Waters had trademarked, but the logo on the card is similar. Julia Pistor, director of the Rugrats movie, doesn't deny that she was inspired by "Polyester," but says her movie is less stinky overall. * Two Toronto men, Michael Leshner and Michael Stark, became the first gay couple to be married in Canada after the federal law banning same-sex marriage was abolished. Yes, everyone brought M&M's to the ceremony. * David Beckham, most famous soccer player in the world, was sold for $50 million to Barcelona by Manchester United, the only team he's ever played for. But before the deal can go through, everyone has to wait for the outcome of the Spanish presidential elections, with various candidates expressing opinions about the wisdom of paying that kind of money for a 28-year-old player who doesn't score enough. Beckham is married to Victoria, the former Posh Spice, and the Spanish parliament has not yet expressed its opinion of her singing. * A waiter at a steakhouse restaurant in Norco, California, became enraged when a husband and wife didn't leave a tip. (The wife had asked for vegetables, she says, but the waiter brought back a small salad, "practically threw it at her," and told her to get the dressing herself.) So the waiter went to the couple's house, police say, and vandalized it with eggs, duct tape and toilet paper, before being arrested. Thank God they didn't ask for separate checks. * Four people in Wisconsin came down with monkeypox, a virus normally found only in West Africa, and the disease has been traced to prairie dogs from a suburban Chicago pet shop, where they may have been infected by a Gambian rat. The National Rifle Association called for an immediate prairie-dog hunting season, to thin the population before the vicious beasts get out of control. * Spike Lee filed a lawsuit against Viacom, which plans to rename its TNN channel "Spike TV." "The media description of this change of name," said Lee, "as well as comments made to me and my wife, confirmed what was obvious--that Spike TV referred to Spike Lee." Viacom is billing Spike TV as "the first network for men," not "the first network for black male film directors with attitude," but Lee might have an even greater problem: Spike is not his real name. That would be Shelton Jackson Lee. But wait! No friend-of-the-court briefs from the estates of Spike Jones and Spike Milligan? What about Spike Jonze? He's a DIRECTOR. Hey, maybe it IS the first network for film directors with attitude. * A freelance photographer wants $500,000 for his nude photographs of Amber Frey, mistress of murder defendant Scott Peterson, but the only offer he's gotten so far is $50,000 from Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, who says they have "absolutely no erotic appeal" but could possibly be used in news stories. What's more humiliating--to be exposed in Hustler, or to be called a skag by Larry Flynt? * One month after banning Maxim, Stuff and FHM from Wal-Marts nationwide, the chain was at it again, announcing that certain women's magazines would be sold only when their cover content was hidden. The offensive magazines are Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire and Redbook, all of which make frequent use of "How to Have Great Sex" headlines. It's a moot point, since people who spend a lot of time at Wal-Mart are no doubt all having great sex already. * Sultaana Freeman, who never removes her Muslim veil in public, was told by a Miami judge that she can't be issued a drivers license unless she makes her mug available for a camera. After all, she could be hiding a cell phone under there. * Marilyn Manson has been banned from the Six Flags amusement park in Darien Lakes, New York, where he was originally scheduled to appear with Ozzy Osbourne's Ozzfest this summer. Park officials fear that Manson might be mistaken for one of the rides. * The French Government Tourism Office, faced with a one-third decline in American visitors to France this summer, launched a new ad campaign called "Let's Fall in Love Again," with Woody Allen, Wynton Marsalis and George Plimpton all trumpeting the virtues of France. French airlines and hotels are also slashing fares and rates for the high season, and one waiter on the Champs-Elysees has agreed to smile at least once a day. * The Star Spangled Ice Cream Company was formed for people who like the taste of Ben & Jerry's "but do NOT enjoy seeing your money funneled to wacko left-wing causes." Claiming to taste equally good, but with 10 percent of profits going to U.S. armed forces charities, the Baltimore company features flavors like I Hate The French Vanilla, Iraqi Road, Smaller GovernMINT, and Nutty Environmentalist. It's expensive, at $76 for four quarts, but the price of freedom needs to be high enough to wipe Burlington, Vermont, off the map entirely. * When a powerful earthquake struck northeastern Japan, the deputy governor of Akita Prefecture contacted the disaster agency by cell phone, then decided to go back to his pinball game. Even though the Japanese people love the game of pachinko (vertical pinball), they sent Takashi Chiba a "Tilt" message: he resigned. * Abas Amini, an Iranian seeking asylum in England since 2001, was so upset by the failure of the Home Office to process his application that he sewed his eyes, mouth and ears shut and refused to eat or drink. Amini, a dissident poet, had spent six years in Iranian jails where torture was practiced, and he wasn't about to go back. A week after he sewed himself up, the Home Office relented and said it would no longer oppose his asylum application. He had chosen the perfect form of protest for England, where they'll do anything to avoid the unseemly. Stitched-up living mummies would qualify. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Samuel Lewis, a black belt in tae kwon do, was babysitting his girlfriend's 2-year-old daughter when for some reason he decided to either punch or kick her, according to police. When the mother returned to her Gloucester Township, New Jersey, home after night school, she took the girl to the hospital, where exploratory surgery revealed lacerations to her liver and pancreas as well as crushed intestines. All the girl had to do was block with the left forearm and parry with a 360 legkick..

Employees at the Nasiriyah hospital where Private Jessica Lynch was treated say they shielded her from the Iraqi army for eight days, that she hid beneath her sheets during gunfire eruptions, that her limb fractures were probably caused by a vehicle accident, that she had no bullet wounds, that she had no stab wounds, that she got immediate emergency surgery as soon as she was brought in, that doctors and nurses donated two pints of blood that she needed, that two nurses stayed with her 24 hours a day, that the hospital protected her from an Iraqi intelligence officer who wanted to transfer her, that she was never slapped by an Iraqi officer or abused in any other way, that there was no resistance to U.S. troops who came to get her, and that the American troops could have simply walked through the front door instead of knocking out the building's power, blowing out windows, detaining staff members, handcuffing civilians, and holding the hospital's assistant manager in captivity for two days. Obviously these people don't know the first thing about western medicine.

* Martha Stewart was indicted for federal securities fraud and obstruction of justice, resigned as chief executive of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, vowed to defend her reputation and fight the charges in court, and prepared a gooseberry tart. * Gay employees at the Justice Department--now there's a concept--were denied permission to hold their annual gay pride event at Justice headquarters in Washington, the first time a gay assembly has been blocked by a federal agency. Since the mid- 1990s the event has been held in the Department's Great Hall, but Justice insiders said that John Ashcroft recently found out that the employees weren't just gay, they were actually doing disgusting things with their wingwangs and himminyhominas. * Serena Williams, top women's tennis player in the world, was defeated in the semi-finals of the French Open before a vicious crowd that cheered her every mistake, including her serving faults, and booed and hissed when she asked the judge to recheck some ball marks, even though she was correct and the judge reversed his call. It wasn't clear exactly why the French were so anti-Serena and so favorable toward her Belgian opponent, Justine Henin-Hardenne, since the French traditionally don't like the Belgians any more than they like Americans. After Williams lost, ending the record of nine straight Grand Slam events won by either Serena or her sister Venus, Serena was even jeered in defeat as she walked off the court. She toughed out a press conference, then broke down in tears. Asked if the crowd affected her play, she said, "It doesn't make it any harder. I just . . ." and then lost her composure. "Actually, that's a lie," she said. Unfortunately, it's the tradition to play the French Open in France. * In other French catcalling news, Vincent Gallo's new film "The Brown Bunny" was heckled and booed during its screening at the Cannes Film Festival, with jeering whistles every time Gallo's name appeared on the screen. During one scene, while Gallo and his co-star Chloe Sevigny ride a bicycle-built-for-two and Sevigny paws at Gallo's crotch, Chicago Sun-Times critic Roger Ebert began singing "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," according to press accounts. Later Ebert pronounced it "the worst film in the history of the festival, adding "I have not seen every film in the history of the festival, yet I feel my judgment will stand." Safely back in New York, Gallo attacked Ebert in the pages of the New York Post, calling the critic a "fat pig" and announcing he was putting a curse on Ebert's colon. Ebert, undeterred, responded with his own piece, saying, "I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than 'The Brown Bunny.'" The movie had been hyped because of a very graphic oral sex scene between Gallo and Sevigny, but it now looks like that might be the only reward Gallo receives from his three-year project. * Hillary Clinton broke her silence on the Monica Lewinsky affair in a new book in which she said she "wanted to wring his neck" when she found out her husband the President had been having sex with a White House intern. She screamed and yelled at the chief executive, then she and daughter Chelsea gave him the silent treatment, so that the only family member paying any attention to him was Buddy the dog. Buddy considered it one of the few inter-species character traits they had in common. * Seniors at Scarsdale High School in tony Westchester County, New York, were forbidden from taking limousines to the prom this year. Instead they had to be dropped off at the school by their parents, where they were forced to attend a pre-prom party organized by the PTA, then loaded onto school buses with faculty chaperones and shuttled to the prom itself. It's all part of the new "We Know What You Did Last Summer" policy. * After 80 days of searching, still no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, causing several CIA analysts to come forward to say that they never believed Saddam Hussein had the weapons in the first place and told that to the Pentagon, which ignored them. Hussein did have some really nasty porno and violent video games, however, so the whole issue is moot. * Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa was kicked out of a game for using a corked bat. He said it was an honest mistake: he picked up his batting-practice bat instead of his game bat, and besides, he didn't have a wine opener. * Eric Rudolph, the FBI's most wanted man, was flushed out of the North Carolina piney woods after he ventured out of his hideaway to do some Dumpster-diving in the town of Murphy. Rudolph, accused of bombing an abortion clinic in Birmingham and setting off a bomb at Centennial Park during the 1996 Olympics, was on the lam for five years, subsisting on salamanders, wild berries, deer and bear. His breath confirmed this. * The City Council of Arcata, California, made it a crime to cooperate with the Patriot Act. Asked for his reaction, John Ashcroft said, "Damn hippies." * The city of Venice launched a $2.7 billion floodgate project called Project Moses to try to get the upper hand against the encroaching Adriatic, which put the city under water 111 times last year. It will take eight years to build the 78 gates, which gives them just enough time to avoid the destruction of the city. They were not warned that they were sinking until the year 1300. * A vicious badger named Boris attacked a BBC producer and director at his home in Evesham, England, and left him with severe wounds to his forearm and legs. Boris had escaped from a wildlife visitor center and gone on a rampage, attacking five people before being subdued. Dr. Elaine King, chief executive of the National Federation of Badger Groups, said that Boris had shown no previous signs of aggression, but failed to point out that they don't call them badgers for nothing. * Selimy Mensah of Leonia, New Jersey, attempted to open a can of spray paint with an electric can opener, resulting in second- and third-degree burns on her confused body. * Sheldon M. Schapiro, a Circuit Judge in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, cut off a lawyer arguing a sexual-battery case by saying "Do you know what I think of your argument?," then pushed a button on a device that simulated the sound of a commode flushing. The moment provided an especially difficult challenge for the court stenographer. * Traci Bingham, formerly a babe on "Baywatch," says she'll run nekkid through the streets of Pamplona next month to protest the Running of the Bulls. Her theory is that the young men of Pamplona will decide there are more interesting ways to celebrate the annual tradition. Like . . . uh . . . dodging implants? * Scenes from domestic life:
* Linda Hebert, a babysitter in Picayune, Mississippi, was driving a car with five children aboard when she pulled into a rest stop in Covington, Louisiana, slumped over the wheel, and fell asleep with the motor running. One of the children, a 7- year-old girl, asked someone at the rest stop if she could use his cell phone to dial 911. The babysitter was drunk, it turned out. Grounded. * Scenes from our secure republic:
* New York's Pennsylvania Station, busiest passenger terminal in the nation, was evacuated as police investigated a "suspicious passenger" on a train arriving from Washington. A trained dog smelled something suspicious in the man's belongings, but a search revealed nothing. The terminal reopened, but the man disappeared into the immigration prisons. Obviously a case of Amtraking While Swarthy. * Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon said the Palestinians should have an independent state of their own. There are no typos in the preceding sentence. * As most American corporations struggled to show any profit at all, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts announced a 48 percent profit surge in the first quarter of 2003, with sales up 34 percent at its 282 locations. The explanation? People with no dough have a doughnut. * Video games that require players to shoot enemy targets increase the brain's visual information-ordering capacity by 30 to 50 percent, according to a study at the University of Rochester published in Nature. Kids who don't play video games, on the other hand, grow up without the peripheral-vision defense mechanisms necessary to protect themselves from lizard-tail slime-glopola monsters that hide behind icons. * The State Department ordered all its consular offices to start personally interviewing 90 percent of the 8 million people who seek American visas annually--but refused to add any additional personnel, and warned current employees not to put in fro overtime. Can you say "gridlock"? Now we can be sure no bad guys will get in--because nobody will get in. * Pen Hadow, a British hiker, trekked 478 miles in 64 days to reach the North Pole, then got trapped there when weather conditions made it impossible for aircraft to rescue him from the drifting sea ice. After conferring by radio with various explorers organizations, the consensus was that, if he decides to leave on his own, he should first move south. * Two students at Oakland High School in Oakland, California, criticized the President during a spirited classroom debate about the war in Iraq--so the teacher called the Secret Service and reported them. (What the students said is not known.) Both students were pulled out of class and grilled by federal agents. Those agents will receive extra pay for working in a combat zone: the Oakland public school system. * The new billion-dollar Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa in Atlantic City has refused to accept Bibles from Gideons International to place in its rooms. Instead, according to Michael Facenda, director of marketing services, the resort will have a library of several different religious texts available in the lobby. Apparently casino executives are so spiritually minded that they're willing to have valuable slot-machine time diluted by ecumenical theological debate in the concierge area. * A controversy rages in Rome over who really founded the 2,756-year-old city. Traditionally it was said to be founded by Romulus, a descendant of Aeneas who slew his brother Remus after both were cast adrift on the Tiber and suckled by a she-wolf. But a fragment of writing by Graeco-Sicilian poet Stesichorus tells how a woman named Roma arrived in an enchantingly beautiful place with a Trojan fleet, then conspired with the other women to burn all the ships so she would never have to leave. This place, says the Il Messaggero newspaper, is Rome. So take your pick: a fratricidal war vet with bestiality issues, or a pyromaniac wack job with a thing for nature. Either way, Ridley Scott directs the movie version. * Geidar Aliev, President of Azerbaijan, was making a speech to a live audience, broadcast on national TV, when he suddenly clutched his chest and said, "Something has struck me!" The president stumbled, aides caught him before he fell, and then a doctor was called for as he was taken away. The 2,000 people in the hall in Baku were instructed not to leave, and 15 minutes later Aliev returned to the podium, a little paler, and resumed his speech. Shortly thereafter he collapsed a second time, the broadcast was cut off, and journalists were ushered out of the building. It turns out he'd hit his head on the floor this time. But he's such a trouper that he again resumed his speech and finished the event by reviewing military cadets and officers-- showing just how far you'll go to avoid an Azeri hospital. * In a paper sure to inspire consternation at Bob Jones University, a Detroit researcher says that chimpanzees should be classified as part of the human branch of the species tree. Morris Goodman of the Wayne State University medical school says chimps don't have that much in common with gorillas or monkeys, but have a great deal in common with homo sapienses, including 99.4 percent of our DNA. The Wayne State researchers were emboldened by recent testing in which seven chimpanzees scored high enough on the SAT for advanced placement in the Wayne State department of hotel-motel management. * In reporting on Ireland's tough new laws requiring health warnings on alcohol, the Associated Press began its dispatch with the phrase "Alarmed that Ireland has become one of the hardest- drinking countries in Europe . . ."--leading us to ask the question: how young a reporter do you have to be to write "has become"? Three? * Vibrators and other sex toys are illegal in the state of Alabama, and the Legislature decided to leave it that way, voting against a bill that would have removed the ban that's been in effect since 1998. A federal district judge has twice ruled that the ban is unconstitutional, and some lawmakers say they can't enforce the state's obscenity laws as long as the sex-toy clause remains in it, since it keeps the entire law tied up in court. When the House nevertheless voted 37-28 to keep the ban in place, Representative John Rogers of Birmingham literally screamed at the assembly, "What you just did is make our obscenity law illegal! You voted for obscenity!" Presumably his colleagues stared smugly back, having made their villages temporarily unsafe for French ticklers. * Nowell's moss, one of the rarest plants in England, flowered on old limestone walls in the Yorkshire Dales for the first time in 137 years. The last time the endangered moss was seen with fruiting bodies was in 1866. Scientists from Bradford and the National History Museum in London celebrated with a stiff grog and a mutton chop. * The popularity of popcorn peaked in 1993 and has been in steady decline ever since, according to a Purdue University study. Any food product that can be purchased in a giant plasticene bag at Skillern's is too low-rent even for pre-fab condo-dwellers in the Ozarks. * Ray Mason of Athens, Texas, pled guilty to aggravated assault, then dropped his pants, said "Hey, judge, look at this," and mooned the court. His eight-year sentence immediately became an eight-year, six-month sentence, which, considering the psychic trauma, displays considerable restraint on the part of Judge Jim Parsons. * Paul Kinsella of New Athens, Illinois, is seeking out terminally ill people and convincing them to carry messages to the afterlife. He's then selling the service, called "Afterlife Telegrams," to people desperate to communicate with dead relatives. For $5 a word, you give your message to the dying person, and he or she memorizes it. The timing is crucial, however, so as to avoid messages like, "We love you and miss you so yowza that needle hurts." * Scenes from our secure republic:
* A large swath of Rockland County, New York, was enveloped in the odor of rotten eggs, setting off a terrorist alert that had emergency vehicles speeding toward the power plant and school officials preparing to evacuate. The Mirant New York power plant was determined to be the source of the smell--because it was the regularly scheduled day to routinely purge the natural gas pipeline. Learning there were no terrorists in West Haverstraw, everybody grumpily went back to work. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Monica Floyd-Brewer of Chicago returned home from a date and found Cedric Samuels Jr., the second-grader she was raising, lying on her bed watching television. She wanted to teach him a lesson--so she took a gun from her boyfriend's bag, put it to the 8-year-old's head, and fired. Bruce Triplet, a security guard and Monica's boyfriend, walked into the bedroom and saw her holding the gun and Cedric sprawled on the bed, but when he dialed 911, he told the operator that the boy had shot himself. A jury disagreed. She had placed the gun so close to the boy's head that there was gunpowder residue on his hands from his attempt to defend himself, indicating that the lesson probably worked. * Thirty tigers and 58 tiger cubs were found frozen in a special freezer at the home of John Weinhart, who runs the Tiger Rescue animal refuge in Riverside, California. Weinhart claims he did nothing wrong, and that they taste just like panda veal. * The Hitler miniseries aired on CBS across the nation--except for Corpus Christi and Laredo, Texas, where station owners said they feared it would incite white supremacists and "disturbed young people." "The Nazi concept is still very real," said Dale Remy, general manager of KZTV in Corpus Christi. "I think anything we do to give that particular thinking a venue, a format, is a mistake." As we all know, South Texas has been a hotbed of activity for skinheads who paint swastikas on tortillas. * Federal officials warned that Mexican drug cartels are growing marijuana in California's Sequoia National Park, where one of the recently confiscated plants was so large they had cut a highway through its trunk. * Hezbollah introduced its new video game, "Special Force," in which the player tries to destroy the Israeli military and eventually put a bullet through the forehead of Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. Popular with teens in the Shiite neighborhoods of Beirut, "Special Force" is harder than it looks. For example, if you fail to accomplish your mission, your entire village disappears. * Seniors at Gulf Shores High School in Alabama were given beer mugs and shot glasses as graduation presents, upsetting some of the teetotalers in town, who were told to have a belt and shut up. * The Sheriff's Office of Lincoln County, New Mexico, opened an investigation into Billy the Kid's escape from the county jail in 1881. Pat Garrett, sheriff at the time, never investigated whether William Bonney had an accomplice who brought him a gun, or simply took a gun from a lawman. Bonney was waiting to be hanged for the murder of Sheriff William Brady, so Garrett didn't need to investigate the escape--he already had a death warrant for him when he set out to track him down and kill him. If it turns out that Bonney had an accomplice, he'll be hunted down, dug up, and executed. * The Los Angeles City Council drafted a law requiring all companies doing business with the city to report whether they ever earned profits from slavery. Companies like McDonald's would be exempted, because their slave labor is ongoing. * The dollar continued to take a beating worldwide, as investors switched into Euros, yen and even gold, which spiked up to $370 an ounce when the United States closed its embassies in Saudi Arabia and announced a level-orange terror alert. Dinar- hoarding was unchanged. * The little town of Washington Park, Illinois, five miles east of St. Louis, has balanced its budget by encouraging strip clubs to locate there. The town collects $30,000 a year for an adult entertainment license and $1 admission for each customer passing through the doors. Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, one of five in the village, is now the leading corporate citizen, representing a perfect civics lesson in using G-string to generate G's. * New York City police officers busted down the door of Alberta Spruill, threw a concussion grenade into her apartment, and slapped handcuffs on her as they searched for guns and drugs. There were no guns, and no drugs, but the woman died of a heart attack. The cops were acting on the tip of an informant, who said, "Uh, maybe it was another apartment." * Greenwich Village artists are petitioning New York Governor George Pataki to issue a pardon for comedian Lenny Bruce, who was convicted in 1964 on obscenity charges for three performances at Cafe au Go Go and, according to friends, could never get another job and died as a result two years later. If the pardon goes through, it will be legal to laugh at his old tapes, even the gross ones. * In 1903 President Theodore Roosevelt placed a time capsule in the Lewis and Clark Monument in Portland, Oregon. Exactly a hundred years later, it's time to . . . locate it. Nobody bothered to write down which part of the monument it was placed in, so stonemasons, psychics and treasure-hunting companies are all prowling around the base trying to figure out how to crack that sucker open without damaging the monument. Obviously they're going to have to tread heavily, to figure out where to dig, but carry a small stick. * A 23-year-old California college student known only as Michel raised $4,500 through give-boobs.com, the Web site she established to raise money for her breast implants. She currently has 34As, but has just enough cash to eventually fill out the Victoria's Secret Spandex Laser Zebra Bra. * Journalism students at the University of Illinois pored through 16,000 pages of Watergate documents and concluded that "Deep Throat," the famous source of Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, was none other than Nixon White House lawyer Fred Fielding. Fielding declined comment, but was known to have seen the movie several times. * Cops at New York's La Guardia Airport busted 11 men for allegedly stealing 400,000 mini-bottles of booze from American Airlines, then selling them to delis and grocery stores. When they appear in court, the men will be required to sit in narrow chairs at the defense table with a tray table pressing against their knees. * Ron Roberts dropped dead while exercising at 24-Hour Fitness in Parker, Colorado, but it didn't interrupt anyone's workout. Employees covered the body and called police, but the Stairmasters continued to hum, and in fact you could get a kind of nice buzz from Ron's laid-back karma. * Lord Chancellor Derry Irvine, England's top legal official, wants to eliminate the yellow horsehair wigs that judges have worn since the 17th century, as well as their knee breeches, stockings, buckled shoes, and frilly laced shirts. Of course, traditionalists oppose the changes, arguing that if judges became less formal, there would be no stopping it, and members of the bar would take advantage, leading ultimately to Rumpole appearing at the Old Bailey in worn sneakers. * Scenes from our secure republic:
* U.S. marshals and immigration agents busted down the door of Nadir Khan, a legal Pakistani resident, and arrested him on heroin trafficking charges, even though their warrant read "Nadar Kahn" (with an "a" in his first name). Their warrant also showed a date of birth that was four years off, and their identifying description said he was supposed to have a mole on his forehead. (He doesn't.) For seven months he languished in a Houston prison, losing $21,000 in salary as a truck driver, losing his credit rating, losing his car, and causing his son to drop out of high school in Pakistan because he could no longer afford his books. One reason he stayed in jail so long is that one of the marshals told a judge that there were "a lot of Arabic tapes" in Khan's bedroom. Actually Khan doesn't speak Arabic. The tapes were in Urdu, and, as Gaiutra Bahadur of the Philadelphia Inquirer pointed out, they were soundtracks from Bollywood musicals. And you know how the feds hate musicals. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Stephen and Chilin Leung of New York didn't approve when their 17-year-old daughter Connie started dating a black man, Eric Loussaint. So according to police, Loussaint surprised the father in his room and strangled him with a belt, then the two lovers sat with his body for three hours, waiting for her mom to come home. When the mother entered the apartment, the boyfriend threw a towel around mom's feet, tackling her and strangling her with the belt as Connie sat on her. The lovers then stacked mom's body on top of dad's, stole money from mom's wallet to eat out at restaurants, and left the bodies there for four days. Then they bought laundry bags and a shopping cart, rolled mom's body across the FDR Expressway, and threw the body into the East River. They tried to do the same thing with dad, but he was apparently too heavy and broke the shopping cart. So they used a large piece of luggage to dump his body in the river. After all that work, the relationship didn't work out after all. Loussaint pled guilty to murder, and Connie is on trial learning the new meaning of "heavy." * Donald Parfit, a forklift operator at a London publishing plant, stole pages from the new Harry Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix," and tried to sell them to The Sun tabloid for $38,000 in advance of the book's June 21 release date. But the Sun reported him to police, leading to the question: what's happening to our modern tabloids? After all, Parfit the perp pilfered pulp from the plant so the purloined Potter could be properly published. * President Kennedy had a year-long affair with a 19-year-old White House intern named Marion (Mimi) Fahnestock, who was invited to White House pool parties, flown on Air Force jets to resorts and summit meetings, and sent to meet the President in farflung places, according to a new Kennedy biography by Robert Dallek and an investigation by the New York Daily News, which tracked Mimi down and found her working at Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church in New York. "It's all true," she told the paper. "I am the Mimi." History teaches us many lessons. This woman kept her secret for 41 years and never would have told it at all if she hadn't been smoked out. Intern companions were treated better in the sixties--how many exotic trips did Monica get?--and they had more class. And thanks to Kenneth Starr, we already know the sex was better. * Charles A. Moose, police chief of Montgomery County, Maryland, is suing the county ethics commission for the right to work on a book or a screenplay about last fall's sniper investigation. His tentative title is "Moose and Squirrel." * The Robert E. Lee Council of the Boy Scouts of America in Richmond, Virginia, will not be using the Confederate general's name anymore. The executive board voted to drop the name from its title, apparently making some people happy and some people unhappy. Of all the Confederates you could choose, Robert E. Lee would tend to be the one that both Union and Confederate citizens admired, so apparently they found out he slept with his intern. * Wal-Mart dumped Kathie Lee Gifford's clothing label, the K.L.C. Collection, citing poor sales. At one time Kathie Lee earned $20 million a year from the Wal-Mart deal, but then she had to close down several adorable sweatshops. * Howard Carmack, better known as the notorious Buffalo Spammer, was arrested in New York and charged with six counts of forgery, criminal possession of a forgery device, falsifying business records and identity theft. Carmack is accused of sending 825 million spam emails during the past year, most of them advertising sexual stimulants, bulk email lists, and, most ironic of all, anti-spam programs. He allegedly used the identities of various Buffalo residents to evade detection, and he was finally nailed by the FBI's Cyber Task Force and New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, who hopes to send him a message soon: "You've Got Jail." * More than 50 Democrats from the Texas legislature holed up at a Holiday Inn in Ardmore, Oklahoma, so the House wouldn't have a quorum and they couldn't be forced to accept a new Republican redistricting plan. Angry Republicans displayed the faces of the absentee lawmakers on milk cartons and called their actions childish and cowardly. The Democrats--many of whom qualify for the Senior Citizens Special at the Denny's next door to the Holiday Inn--replied, "Nyah nyah nyah." * Debate on the tax cut, the biggest legislation of the Congressional term, had to be delayed for two days when Republicans put the wrong number on the bill. Well, it's not like the bill is about numbers or anything. * More than 13,000 high school seniors failed the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test, making them ineligible to graduate, causing politicians and religious leaders to call for reform . . . of the test. Their reasoning is that, if the test were easier, more students would graduate. These are apparently civic leaders who would have failed the test in 1963. * England admitted that 22,000 brains had been removed from bodies between 1970 to 1999 without relatives' permission, and that anyone who was autopsied during those years could possibly have had his gray matter removed. Medical schools said they needed the brains for research projects, including one project that revealed that the brain sometimes fails to transmit the message "You can't do that!" * A burglar climbed up on a scaffold outside the Kunsthistorisches Museum in Vienna, broke through a double reinforced glass window, snatched a 16th-century gold sculpture by Benvenuto Cellini, set off an alarm, but managed to escape-- because the guard thought it was a false alarm and didn't check the room. Museum director Wilfried Seipel told The New York Times the theft was "done in an extremely professional way," even though climbing up on a scaffold, smashing a window and grabbing a piece of gold without disabling the alarm and then running like hell is basically the way they do it in the Brooklyn projects. * Warren Buffett, the Oracle of Omaha, the most successful investor in the world, gave a long interview to Dominic Lawson of The New York Sun in which he warned that the nation's banks are engaging in Enron-type speculation that could lead to major collapses and a Depression. "It could get back to the days when you had runs on banks," he said, "when the good banks got pulled down by the bad banks." Fortunately, Buffett's own house, which he purchased for $31,500 in 1958, is paid for. * The economy of Toronto was battered by the SARS scare, which caused meetings to be canceled, conventions to be postponed, and leisure travel to be avoided, which caused airline fares and hotel rates to be drastically lowered, which caused tourists to flock there in droves. * Kraft Foods introduced the Uh-Oh Oreo, which is a white cookie with chocolate creme on the inside, confusing Colin Powell. * The Federal Trade Commission released a study concluding that two-thirds of spam emails are false, and 96 percent contain false information. The shocking news came just as we were about to earn $50,000 a week at home while awaiting our $20 million from the former vice president of Tanzania, which is money we needed for our upcoming marriage to a supermodel. * Marcy Lafferty Shatner sued ex-husband William Shatner for violating the horse-semen clause of their divorce agreement. The ex claims that she has the right to breed a mare once a year to one of Shatner's American saddlebred stallions in Kentucky. But in March she found out that she wouldn't be allowed to take her horse to the stud farm, but would be given frozen semen instead. This is "unacceptable," she says. Half the fun is watching them rare back and get busy. * The Rand Corporation announced that there are 400,000 frozen human embryos in American fertility clinics, more than double the highest previous estimate, and most of the couples who own them still can't make up their minds. * The Fenghua Yuan Drive-In Movie Theater outside Beijing is doing record business due to fear of SARS in indoor moviehouses. Now, if we can only get them to show "Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens," capitalism will be firmly established once and for all behind the Bamboo Curtain. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Darren Kawaa of Pearl City, Oahu, Hawaii, was trying to put his three-week-old daughter to sleep, so he hit her in the head and squeezed her sides to make her stop crying. It worked. She slept all night and, the next morning, was found by her mother Candice Saludares, looking pale and not breathing. Kawaa won't be able to make any more babies for at least 15 years, which is a shame because he says he wanted to replace that one. "Straight up, I'm a thug," he told the court. "But I would never hurt my daughter, man." Oh well, in that case . . . * Scenes from our secure republic:
* A Continental Airlines charter jet decided to fly low over Lower Manhattan so that the military personnel aboard could get a better view of the Statue of Liberty. By the time it had flown down the Hudson River, circled the Statue of Liberty twice, headed up the East River and crossed Midtown Manhattan from east to west, people were fleeing the skyscraper canyons. When it landed at Liberty International Airport in Newark, where one of the 9/11 planes had taken off, the New York City Council announced free Valiums for the rest of the day. * Michael Jordan was fired by the Washington Wizards, which is sort of like being pink-slipped by Amway. * Steve Wynn, the casino mogul, paid $23.5 million for a Renoir painting called "In the Roses (Madame Leon Clapisson)" at Sotheby's in New York, then followed that up the next night by spending $17.3 million at Christie's on an 1895 self-portrait by Cezanne. Wynn is legally blind, but lives in Las Vegas, where nothing is what it appears to be anyway. * Mourat Zhanaidarov, a 7-year-old boy in Kazakhstan, went into Chimkent Children's Hospital to have a cyst removed, but surgeons discovered that the cyst had become a tumor, and the tumor was full of hair, nails and bones. It was the remains of his twin brother, feeding off his blood supply. No, the doctors had not seen "Basket Case," but it's now being required in all surgical residencies. * The Pennsylvania legislature passed a tough "prom law" that requires one adult chaperone for every five minors at proms and other school-sponsored events at hotels, banquet halls and any facility that serves alcohol. The only problem is: there aren't that many adult employees at any of the schools. But that's okay, there are lots of older guys who would volunteer. * The two astronauts and one cosmonaut tending the space station came back home in a Soyuz capsule that strayed 275 miles off target and fell so fast and hard that all three men had to crawl around on their hands and knees for 90 minutes after landing, and were not expected to be fully recuperated for three weeks. Describing the descent, which subjected them to eight times the force of gravity and caused their tongues to roll back in their mouths, they said, "Did you see 'Eraserhead'?" * President Bush swooped down onto the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, making a tailhook landing in his S-3B Viking jet, then made a speech about triumphing in Iraq--prompting 85-year-old West Virginia Senator Robert C. Byrd to speak of a "desk-bound president who assumes the garb of a warrior," using an aircraft carrier as "an advertising backdrop for a presidential political slogan," contrasting the Bush speech with "the simple dignity" of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. Bush's reply: the joy stick looked really cool. * The University of California at Berkeley, that bastion of multi-culturalism, announced that students from China, Taiwan, Singapore and Hong Kong would be banned from attending the summer session, due to SARS paranoia. Apparently Japan is not part of the freeze-out, but check that sushi anyway. * Ted Turner sold half his stock in AOL Time Warner for $790 million because he just can't stand these whipper-snappers anymore. * Wal-Mart removed Maxim, Stuff and FHM from its shelves nationwide, even though all three men's magazines have no actual nudity. Wal-Mart cited "pressure from Christian groups," who have a well-known aversion to bikinis and supermodels, as we know from their boycott of the annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. The cleavage on Cosmo, on the other hand, somehow gets a free ride, because it's directed at cleavage-emulators, not cleavage- droolers. * The first all-nude airline flight took off from Miami and landed a couple hours later in Cancun, thanks to Castaways Travel Agency of Houston, which specializes in clothing-optional getaways. This gives a whole new meaning to the instruction "Stow your laptops." * In other body-baring news, Joseph Gottschalk of San Antonio was warned by police for the 20th time after citizens complained about his habit of bicycling through Southside Lions Park clad only in a thong. Legally he's within his rights, because the thong covers up everything that needs to be covered--just barely- -but it just looks painful. * Katy Johnson, the former Miss Vermont, filed suit in West Palm Beach, Florida, against Tucker Max, who runs a website devoted to the secrets of picking up women. Apparently Katy is featured prominently as one of his success stories, which she says in her lawsuit involves "embarrassing private facts" about their relationship. Katy is a spokeswoman for sexual abstinence, and asks that the part of Max's site called "The Miss Vermont Story" be banned. Of course, nobody will read it now. Just say no, Katy. * Minnesotans are outraged that South Dakotans are attempting to buy the statues of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox that stand in Brainerd. Considering the subject, couldn't he have a leg in each state? * The Hempstock Festival, held every year at a farm in Starks, Maine, to celebrate marijuana and music, is being disbanded due to the legal fees of constantly battling the town over the granting of permits. That's cool, though. * The remains of 25 bodies were unearthed during the construction of a Wal-Mart in Honolulu. Wal-Mart officials are continuing, indicating that they failed to watch "Poltergeist." * The largest class action suit against the government in history opened in Washington, with 300,000 American Indians claiming that the Interior Department mismanaged their trust fund for over a century and owes them $137 billion. The government admits it can't find all the money that should have gone to the Indians from oil, gas, timber and mining royalties, but told District Court Judge Royce B. Lamberth that if he would give them five more years, they could find it. It will take them that long to have every Department of the Interior employee think real hard about, "Okay, where did I go yesterday? They day before? The day before that? . . ." * The New York City Council convened a special committee to study the legality of seceding from the state of New York, raising the issue of what the 51st state would be called. New New York? Redundant. East New York? Already the name of a city. How about just Apple? That would put it right after Alaska and right before Arizona, both of which would dwarf it in size and put it in the proper perspective. * Brian Conant, a sergeant in the National Guard from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, discovered that his new charcoal-lined chemical protection suit muffled his flatulence and improved his social life, so he studied the design of it and got a U.S. patent for something called the "fart-filter" that can be slipped into the underwear. That's ALL we want to know about it. * Bernd Eilts of Berlin makes wall clocks out of cow dung and now wants to expand into cow-manure wrist watches. That way, wherever you are, you can always verify the genuineness of Shinola. * People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals translated one of their slogans--"Dump Dairy"--into Spanish for use in bilingual schools. But "Eche la leche" also means "Discharge sperm" in Spanish slang, causing much merriment at a school in Palm Springs, California, where it adorned the life-size model of a cow. The student response was, "Well, we're waiting." * Mario and Luigi Tavoletti of Spinetoli, Italy, kept their older brother locked in an attic for 40 years so they could collect his $1,400-a-month war pension. When the brother, 90-yar- old Pasquale, was finally released, he requested his bayonet. * Exploding caskets in Sweden are endangering crematorium workers, according to the church newspaper Kyrkans Tidning. Theories about the causes of the explosions--which occur when the body is burned--include pacemakers, silicone implants, and items left in the casket by family members such as alcohol, ammunition cartridges and fireworks. From now on anyone who wants to be buried with his grenade launcher will have to be shipped to Denmark for service. * Scenes from domestic life:
*Shibaran Seecharan of Queens got into an argument with his son Lakeraj about rent money the son owed him, grabbed a knife and stabbed him in the chest. A younger son, Jaipersaud, tried to intervene, and got stabbed in his arm and chest by the intra- family landlord, and the brothers ended up in the hospital, where Lakeraj died. Presumably there will be extra living room in the old man's apartment now for Jaipersaud, as Dad has a new rent- free home.

Mohammed Mohsen al-Zubaidi, an Iraqi exile recently returned to Baghdad, started functioning as an ex officio mayor--until U.S. troops seized him and held him in custody on charges of . . . uh . . . unseemly organizational skills?

* Sales of "Blood of Bin Laden" and "Desert Combat," video games based on the Iraqi war, fell off as hostilities drew to a close, which is a good thing because several guys named Brad in the Midwest had been encircled by the Republican Guard and lost all their Black Hawk helicopters. * The Italian press went into an uproar when Agnese Parronchi resigned as the official cleaner of Michangelo's statue of David in Florence. Signora Parronchi cited "irreconcilable differences" with Franca Falletti, director of the Accademia Museum, where the statue is housed, over how David should be cleaned. Signora Parronchi wants to do an inch by inch "conservative" cleaning using a chamois cloth, an eraser and a sable brush. Signora Falletti favors hosing him down to remove all dirt, dust, wax and anything else, until he's white as Wayne Newton's teeth. Since the David is one of Italy's leading tourist attractions, the battle of these two middle-aged ladies has captured public attention--because we know just exactly which part they want to clean, don't we? * The mother of an eighth grader at the Oregon, Wisconsin, Middle School has demanded that a novel called "Knocked Out by My Nunga-Nungas" be removed from the school library, saying "I'm no prude, but this is smut." The book is adolescent fiction by Louise Rennison describing the trials of a 14-year-old named Georgia who is trying to deal with her emerging sexuality. Linda Rutherford's daughter brought the back home, and the mom read a passage in which a boy pulls on a girl's breast. When you pull on the breast, the boy explains, and then let it go, "it goes nunga- nunga-nunga." The school district is considering removing the book, because, as we all know, when you pull on a breast and let it go, it actually goes bluppa-bluppa-bluppa. * In a breakthrough for brain research on the elderly, University of Utah researchers found that a chemical called GABA helps extremely old Rhesus monkeys focus their vision and thinking processes. The most remarkable finding was that one of the primates could be taught to memorize all the senior citizens specials at Denny's and then compute which one would result in the lowest tip. * Tamara Gund, a 61-year-old chemistry professor in Princeton Township, New Jersey, was fined $4,000 for feeding a deer. The deer in question didn't even show remorse. * The city council of Shutesbury, Massachusetts, passed new rules creating "scent sections" and "non-scent sections" at all public meetings. One part of the room is reserved for people who never use perfumes or scented deodorants. Another is for people who sometimes wear fragrances but not on the day of the meeting. And the third area is for "those who forgot and used cologne and perfume." The Town Administrator explained that, in Shutesbury, wearing cologne or perfume is considered the same as smoking. There is no rule, however, prohibiting simple B.O. * Italy warned 39 nations that one of its satellites was about to crash to earth, and that its 3100 pounds could end up in any one of them. The good news was that, if it falls on you, you get a three-year's supply of Chianti. * A potato launched from a "spud gun" tore through a screen door, shattered two panes of glass and left a hole in the wall on the other side of the living room in the home of Greg and Theresa Goldizen of Des Moines, Iowa. Potato guns are legal in Iowa, but the spud sniper was apparently not informed that you can't dress up your ammo as Mr. Potato Head before firing. * Movie star Colin Farrell left a $1,800 tip for five strippers at the New York topless bar Scores. No, his lap is not that large. * The health minister in Cameroon has warned the populace to stop drinking urine. The public warning had no visible effect on the business of "urinotherapists," who claim their pale yellow health drink can cure hemorrhoids, ulcers, infertility and snake bite, as well as stimulate the growth of healthy hair on bald people. Hospital officials had requested the official announcement in order to protect the security of urine-sample cabinets. * University of Pennsylvania researchers say that male sweat helps reduce stress in women, as well as regulate their menstrual cycle. This does not mean that men should start getting their own beers out of the fridge. * Men are four times more likely to sleep in the nude than women, according to an Ikea sex survey. Women, however, are eight times more likely to throw a blanket over their nude men. * Waffa Bin Laden, the niece of Osama Bin Laden, is hard at work in London on her first pop single, which will reportedly be entitled "Uncle Was a Rolling Stone." * A 19-month-old girl wouldn't stop crying during an international flight on Northwest Airlines, so flight attendant Daniel Reed Cunningham slipped a Xanax into her apple juice, according to police. Cunningham denies that he drugged the baby, who looked like she knew her way around a pharmacy anyway. * Scientists at UCLA think that simple ibuprofen, the active ingredient in headache relievers like aspirin, may prevent early- stage Alzheimer's. And if the old coot doesn't want to take it, bop him on the head. * Ten low-income housing units, and 43 units for handicapped people, are being built next to a nudist resort in Santa Cruz, California. So the poor people can look at women they can't afford, and the rest can fantasize about volleyball. * A burglar took his dog with him when he robbed a butcher shop in Zwickau, Germany, and the dog--overcome by sausage aroma- -refused to leave. When police arrived, the robber was still trying to coax the dog away from his sausage feast by whistling at the back door, but that's the last open door he'll be seeing for some time now. * Dave Groh, a Seattle cabbie known for dressing up as Elvis every day and draping leis around the necks of his fares, has been disciplined by the city for operating a cab without the proper uniform and threatened with a series of escalating fines for every time he fails to wear a crisp white shirt and dark slacks. Come on now, don't be cruel. * Most women have no sex after their thirties, according to a survey by gerontologists at Saint Louis University. Only one in five women has regular sex, and half of those don't like it at all, mister.. * Phesheya Dube, an announcer for the state-run radio station in Swaziland, was giving live reports from Iraq throughout the war--until someone noticed he never went to Iraq. Spotted in the capital of Mbabane on the same day he was supposedly dodging missiles, he refused comment. It's a real waste, too, because everyone agrees he would have looked great in the flak jacket. * Scenes from our secure republic:
* Maher Hawash, an American citizen who works as a software engineer at Intel Corporation in Hillsboro, Oregon, was arrested by a federal terrorism task force in the parking lot of his office, thrown into prison, kept in solitary confinement, and neither charged nor taken before a judge. After two weeks his Congressman tried to get information on his status, but federal officials will only say he's a "material witness," and they won't say what they think he's a witness to. This is part of the new "Well if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you" legal process. * Scenes from domestic life:
* Twenty-six-year-old Ronald Pituch of Medford Township, New Jersey, became enraged when his mother refused to buy him cigarettes, so he beat her to death in a bathroom, tied up his five-year-old niece in the house, roared off on his dirt bike, attacked an elderly woman who was walking, then entered the woods in Evesham Township and used a kitchen knife to kill an 11-year- old boy who happened to be riding his bike in the area. Fortunately the rampage paid off. In the Burlington County Jail, smoking is allowed.