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Week of February 18, 2003 |
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The Twilight of Kutsher's |
MONTICELLO, N.Y., February 18 (UPI) -- It's lunchtime at
Kutsher's, and I'm puzzling over the menu. Should I have the
Chilled Gefilte Fish Platter, the Hungarian Veal Paprikash with
Spatzle, the Crispy Potato Pancakes with Apple Sauce, or the
Chopped Vegetarian Liver Platter with Crackers?
More important, what's Spatzle?
Yes, it's kosher. Can you tell? I've come to Kutsher's, last
of the old-style Jewish resorts in the Catskills, to see what
it's like BEFORE the slot machines show up. By this time next
year the place could be unrecognizable, because Park Place
Entertainment (the Caesars Palace chain) and the St. Regis
Mohawks have entered into an agreement to build a brand spanking
new casino in the resort that currently passes out daily
schedules that offer such attractions as "Justine's Make Over
Face Lift Show, with Door Prizes!," "The Best of Line & Folk
Dancing with Jack Landman," "Ping Pong Exhibition and Tournament
with Krazy Tyrone," and--actually, they DO have gambling--"Big
Bucks Bingo with Tom Barry Win!! Win!! Win!!"
Kutsher's is not just a Catskills resort. For several
generations of New Yorkers, it's THE old-style Catskills resort,
made famous to the rest of the world by the movie "Dirty
Dancing." To give you some idea, I saw two Borscht Belt comics in
the showroom on successive nights--Lee Allen and Mickey Marvin--
and their acts were not only similar, but they both told the
exact same joke.
For the record, the joke was:
"My wife wants to lose weight so she took up horseback
riding. The horse lost 30 pounds."
Feel free to use it, it's apparently in the public domain.
Of course, the showroom still has headliners on Saturday
nights, but a Kutsher's headliner is not exactly a Vegas
headliner. I saw a wonderful show by Ben Vereen, whose voice is
still flawless, but most weekends you'll get the B list: Tony
Danza, Freddie Roman (king of the Catskills comics), John
Davidson, Jimmy J.J. Walker, Donna McKechnie, and Dudu Fisher.
I'm not sure who Dudu Fisher is, but I couldn't resist the name.
If you've never been to Kutsher's before, you're likely to
feel that you've crashed a family reunion. Most of the guests
have not only been here before, they seem to have been LIVING
here for the past 50 years. Children have the run of the
property, going wherever they'd like, as though the resort itself
is babysitter enough. Extremely large families reserve enormous
tables in the dining room where veteran waiters in crisp white
jackets know how to get the food out FAST and keep it coming. The
Kutsher's shops run to knick-knacks for grandma and evening
attire fashioned from Lainie Kazan hand-me-downs.
The day's activities feature pursuits like rowing on "Lake
Kutsher" (an oversized pond), skiing and sledding on "Kutsher
Mountain," miniature golf, horseshoe pitching, bocce,
shuffleboard, swimming (well, splashing and lounging), golf,
tennis, ice skating, and, my favorite pursuit, eating East
European pastries in the Flying Saucer Coffee Shop (so-called
because it resembles the domicile of "The Jetsons"). I was warned
to stay away from the bridge tournament, because the
Kieselsteins, Irene and Manny, always win.
At night you can either head for the Party Master Top 40
disco (think Prom Night on Long Island), hang out in the lounge
where bands like Speedy Garfin & the Garfin Gathering play, catch
the late-night Slichos service in the Kutsher's synagogue, or
arrive early at the showroom (curtain is not until 10) for
ballroom dancing with the Bruce Ahrens Orchestra or jazz by the
Peter Quinn Trio ("Featuring Larry Strickler").
They also have a lot of celebrity speakers in the afternoon
that run toward the New York-centric: Andrea Peyser, columnist
for the New York Post, and New York Supreme Court Justice Joseph
Mazur showed up during my visit. For those who favor shopping,
there are complimentary shuttle bus rides to the local Wal-Mart.
The rooms in the two hotel towers are roomy but nothing
special, but it's not the kind of place where you stay in the
room anyway. Even if you're not up for snowmobiling, or "Still
Life Art Class with Joe Hing Lowe," or "Low Impact Fun Aerobics
with Larry," or the "How to Keep Your Financial House in Order"
seminar, the thing to do is to trundle down to the bar or the
lobby, plop yourself onto one of the worn couches, and say, "So,
was the food any good today?"
You'll still be talking an hour later, especially if you
ordered the Cold Beet Borscht with Boiled Potato. I highly
recommend it, but I'm not so sure it will be there much longer.
Casinos are many things, but they're neither charming nor
homespun. * © Copyright 2003 United Press International and Joe Bob Briggs |