feature

Return of the Living Dead

"RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" Intro

Now that I'm a country music singin celebrity, I thought it was about time to install a modern stereo system in my metallic-blue 73 Toronado, and so I went to Radio Shack and bought four of the biggest Tune Master speakers they had. The only thing I don't like about em is how nobody can get in the car except me cause they take up the whole back seat and part of the front one, but I swear if I ever total that sucker, God's gonna hear some Chuck Berry while he's hauling me up to Heaven.

Joe Bob Briggs, and tonight we got one of the greatest face-eating gut-spewers of all time, one of the top-ten cult hits of the eighties, "Return of the Living Dead." And joining us to discuss her role as the punk rocker who dances nekkid in the graveyard is the Scream Queen herself, Linnea Quigley. [hoots, whistles] You guys be good. And we'll top THAT off with the teen slasher of shark movies, "Jaws 2."

You know, I had to pay for my stereo on the seven-year installment plan, but listen here what I got: Tweeters. Woofers. Sub-woofers. Reverse Tweeters. Bleeders. Screamers. Moaners. And here's the best part: Optional Permanent Eardrum Damage Knob. I told em to stick everything on there, including a bunch of knobs and lights that I could play around with like I know what they're for. I had to get a new hydraulic suspension system just to get the Toronado moving, but the first day of my new stereo I hauled it down to the main street of Grapevine, pulled up at a stop light where there was seven other cars waiting, and hit the "Interplanetary Metal" button, and I'm sorry, I didn't really mean for anything to happen, but three people got Van Halened to death. Then I kinda moseyed on down the avenue and I pulled up next to a couple goat ranchers from over in Decatur, and I rolled up the windows so we wouldn't have any more meaningless death, and I pressed the button marked "Madonna Fu," and later on I interviewed those guys in the hospital, and they said it was a feeling exactly like being kicked in the throat with a set of cheerleader booties.

Next thing, I figured what the hey, I might as well give it a try, and so I headed down to Houston Inter-continental Airport and I parked the Toronado out on the tarmac so there'd be plenty of 747 Jumbo Jet noise, and then I set the automatic Dolby Wah-Wah Fader Defeat Device to go off in exactly six minutes, and then I started running cause I knew as soon as it got down to zero, the pin would give out and the thing would automatically depress "Nuclear Wayne Newton." I guess yall heard what happened. The only thing that bothers me about it is when three terrorist groups in Beirut, Lebanon, called up claiming responsibility.

Speaking of singing zombies, "Return of the Living Dead" deserves serious consideration as one of the finest zombie exploding-head comedies of all time. What we got here is a bunch of corpses that the U.S. Army decides to stick in pressurized Spam cannisters, perfectly preserving them like giant Starkist Tunas on Quaaludes. But a bunch of guys in the mailroom get the cadavers confused with some C-Rations and ship the human Spam specimens off to a medical supply warehouse in Louisville, Kentucky. Before you know it, the cannisters spring a leak, and what've we got? If you've ever been to Louisville, Kentucky, you KNOW what we got--brain-eating zombies walking around downtown going "You got 20 cents for a blood transfusion?" Let's do those drive-in totals. We have:

Nineteen dead bodies (plus fragments).
Ten breasts (shame on you, TNT censors).
Two zombie breasts.
One-hundred twenty-five zombies.
Mummy dogs.
One-half zombie dog.
Ten gallons blood.
Brain-eating.
Gratuitous embalming.
Nekkid punk-rocker fondue.
Gratuitous midget zombie.
Torso S&M.
One motor vehicle chase (totalled by zombies).
Heads roll.
Brains roll.
Arms roll.
Hands roll.

We're talking four stars. Check it out, and don't forget, Linnea Quigley is coming by to chat with us.

[fading] The best stereo system I ever saw, it had MhZ's, KhZ's, VD's, and AUX's. But mine's got somethin I never even saw on a stereo before: the habanero pepper knob. You don't wanna use that knob too much, but, hey, if you ever need it, it's there.

"RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" Commercial Break #1

All RIGHT, only 19 minutes into this baby, and I'm already in a better mood than I've been in in months. I love this movie. I think it's got the perfect mixture of comedy and reality. This was written and directed by Dan O'Bannon, the guy who wrote "Alien," and was originally supposed to be directed by Tobe Hooper, who is best known, of course, for "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Poltergeist." Actually, I'll back up and tell you a little more about it. "Night of the Living Dead" came out in 1968, and it was made by a couple of guys in the advertising business in Pittsburgh--George Romero, the director, and his writing partner John Russo. So after it became THE most successful independent horror film in history, Romero and Russo started fussing with each other over who had the rights. And you know what they settled on? Russo got the rights to the script and to the words "Living Dead," but Romero got the rights to the word "Dead" by itself. Are you following this? That's why George Romero's sequels are not "Living Dead" movies, they're "Dead" movies--"Dawn of the Dead" and "Day of the Dead." Not to be confused with Sam Raimi's "Evil Dead" series. I wonder if Sam owns the rights to the words "evil dead." So anyway, Russo, the forgotten partner in the series, ends up owning "living dead." He writes up this story, the one we're watching, in the early seventies. Then in the late seventies he sells the story to a Chicago stockbroker. The Chicago stockbroker hires Dan O'Bannon to write a NEW script, and Tobe Hooper to direct it. Tobe drops out. Dan takes over as director. They make the movie. The people who own Romero's "dead" movies SUE EM to prevent its release, saying it'll be confused with Romero's films. They fight about it. They settle it. It comes out a year late. End of story. I'll shut up now, cause we got the scene that almost single-handedly MADE Linnea Quigley, and seriously contributed to her being the scream queen she is today. Linnea, are you here?

[quick shot of Linnea]

Does this scene embarrass you?

[Linnea]

Okay, go.

[fading] And, you know, when "Day of the Dead" did finally come out, the third in Romero's series, some people said the reason it flopped at the box office is that THIS movie came out first, ruining zombie movies forever. After you've seen these cadavers, it's hard to take the original ones seriously anymore. Somehow, in the early eighties, Zombie America had changed. As you'll see, right now, when our guest Linnea Quigley, as the punk rocker Trash, writhes bodaciously on a tombstone.

"RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" Commercial Break #2

That was the lovely Linnea Quigley, rising to scream queen immortality by dancing nekkid on a tombstone. Or as nekkid as we're allowed to show you here on TNT. And here with us tonight is the number one scream queen in the world, a gal who's made almost sixty movies, and the star of that scene, Linnea Quigley herself. A lot of people remember that scene, don't they?

[Linnea]

You know, TNT may have excised a little breastage there, but I gotta give credit where it's due--EXCELLENT pickaxe to the twitching brain, followed by one of my OTHER favorite scenes, the "rabid weasels" scene, in which the disembodied cadaver arm attacks the mortician played by Don Calfa. He's such the voice of reason, isn't he? "You can't burn the weasels alive, it's too cruel. Let's take em out into the parking lot and shoot em." I don't know when the last time you saw this movie was, but did you catch the allusion to Ernie and Burt?

[Linnea]

You seem so demure, and every time I see you in the movies, you're some kind of man-killing demon-possessed punk goddess.

[Linnea]

For the people that aren't familiar with your career . . . your first film is one of my favorites. It's another one where you're topless. You know what I'm talking about?

[Linnea--talks about "Fairy Tales"]

That was in your pre-victim days. It wasn't long before you were getting decapitated, stabbed, prodded, and, of course, attacked by a demon-possessed shower head. What movie was that?

[Linnea]

What have they asked you to do that you WON'T do?

[Linnea]

Okay, before we get too sidetracked, we better get back to the flick.

[fading] See, I noticed the Ernie and Burt references because I study these movies carefully for literary allusions. Some filmmakers make allusions to Hitchcock, Billy Wilder, Jane Austin, Shakespeare. Not Dan O'Bannon. Dan alludes to "Sesame Street." Man knows his audience. I didn't just offend you, did I?

"RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" Commercial Break #3

"Frankly, Burt, I think you acted precipitously in cutting up the corpse." Ernie has all the best lines in the movie. But we've got the gal with the best something else here with us, Linnea Quigley. And there's another B-movie star in the cast, Jewel Shepard. Jewel's the one with the bad pompadour, which does NOT do her justice. She wrote a book where she interviewed you, right? [Linnea--talks about "Invasion of the B-Girls"]

You guys are dressed kinda like punk rockers in this flick--and in several of your movies, they cast you that way--but what some people don't know is that you WERE a punk rocker, right? With a band in El Lay?

[Linnea talks about The Skirts]

But that was before you became the Scream Queen. When people hire you to be a Scream Queen, what is it they're looking for? Obviously, you're beautiful. But what's the secret to being a good victim-hero. Because you're a victim AND a hero, right? You get picked on, and then you pick back.

[Linnea]

You ever get tired of being a Scream Queen?

[Linnea]

Well, I think this flick is one of your best. And why don't we get back to it.

[fading] You know, Jewel wrote another book, too. Her memoirs. It's called "If I'm So Famous, How Come Nobody's Ever Heard of Me?" Great title. I can relate. "You're that guy." You know what I say when I say that? "Yes I AM that guy." I think of it as a compliment. Better to be "that guy" than to be what they used to call me. "You LOOK LIKE that guy."

"RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" Commercial Break #4

And so Linnea Quigley realizes her fantasy of sex and death, as she is devoured by old-man zombies. Linnea, thank you so much for stopping by. I never did ask you to scream for us.

[Linnea]

Thanks again. [Linnea exits] I should point out that that's Thom Mathews as Freddy, who's now very upset that he's turnin into the living dead. You may remember him as Tommy from "Friday the 13th Part VI." He was also in "Return of the Living Dead, Part 2" as a DIFFERENT character, which is a whole other story. This movie here is definitely his tour de force, though. And while the zombies party down, it might be a good time to open up some viewer mail, in what we call "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless," [enters] and here to help us out is the lively TNT Mail Girl, Rusty. Linnea is lookin GOOD, isn't she? MAIL GIRL: She's okay.

Do I detect a little jealousy?

MAIL GIRL: Please. I'm just a little thrown, cause I was gonna do that crazy zombie walk, but this movie doesn't have those kinds of zombies in it, does it?

No, the ones that lurch around are the George Romero zombies. Why don't you do it anyway, though?

MAIL GIRL: Nah.

C'mon, it'll be cute.

MAIL GIRL: No . . .

Why not?

MAIL GIRL: The moment has passed.

You should have done it when you came out.

MAIL GIRL: I know.

Now you're self-conscious.

MAIL GIRL: Yes.

Does the wardrobe department ever make you self-conscious?

MAIL GIRL: Here, why don't you read a letter. It's from Jonathan B. Thornton of Montgomery, Alabama.

"Dear Mr. Briggs,

"I really enjoy watching your show and catch it every chance I get. I especially like it when you show movies such as 'Night of the Living Dead,' and any other 'Living Dead' movie. Which brings me to my next point. I am an aspiring make-up artist trying to get as much experience and exposure as possible. Enclosed are some photos of my work. What you see is just a small sample of what I am capable of. If it wouldn't be too much of an inconvenience, the next time you show one of those movies while hosting 'MonsterVision' I would like to make you up as a 'Living Dead' Zombie. If this idea sounds like something you and/or your Producer would be interested in, please contact me. Thank you for your time and keep running those 'Living Dead' movies.

"Sincerely,
"Jonathan B. Thornton,
Montgomery, Alabama."

Okay, Jonathan, I LOVE to see people with a goal in life. A lot of great artists have come out of Montgomery. Can we get a shot of these? [shows pics] One of em I don't think I can show on basic cable.

MAIL GIRL: It looks like a dismembered, um . . .

Member. Its membership was severed. I hope this is fake. Very cool work, man, but I'll pass on the makeup job. I can't stand icky stuff on my face. They had me in makeup six hours for "The Stand," just so I could die realistically.

MAIL GIRL: You were in "The Stand"?

Yes.

MAIL GIRL: You had the full killer-flu makeup?

Yes!

MAIL GIRL: Why don't I remember that?

I don't know.

MAIL GIRL: I've watched "The Stand" twice. I don't remember you in it.

Thank you very much. I'm in it.

MAIL GIRL: Huh. I'll have to watch it again. [leaves]

Well, don't do me any favors. . . . Did you see "The Stand"? Notice anybody?

"RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" Commercial Break #5

Well, it's pretty much Zombierama now, isn't it? "Send . . . more . . . paramedics!" How bout the blood pooling up in Freddy's back--nice touch, huh? The special effects on this were done by Fantasy II Film Effects, same company that did both "Terminator" movies, "Boxing Helena," which is pretty sick in the F/X department, "Dracula"--some pretty big movies. This flick was made for only four million bucks, most of it spent on special zombie effects. Another excellent example comin up right now, so let's roll it.

[fading] "Boxing Helena," where Julian Sands surgically removes all of Sherilyn Fenn's limbs one at a time. Written and directed by Jennifer Lynch, the off-spring of David Lynch. Of course. Can you imagine growin up in that household? "Happy seventh birthday, Jenny! Here's an Easy-Bake Oven and a dead bird! Let's see what you can make!"

"RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" Commercial Break #6

So here we have that classic dilemma of all great zombie films. What do you do when your boyfriend wants to eat your brain so that the two of you can be together for eternity? Sam Raimi did a little bit of a gender reversal on it in "Evil Dead" when it's the GIRLFRIEND who goes zombie on us. But we're dealing with the same basic philosophical dilemma. And as far as I know, it's always resolved the same way: you ram a steel spike through your significant other's skull. I should also mention James Karen as Frank, the guy who's fighting off rigor mortis along with Thom Mathews as Freddy. You probably remember him from "Poltergeist." He's Craig T. Nelson's boss, the dimwit who builds the tract homes on top of the corpses. You may've seen him in a LOT of things, come to think of it. Works all the time. Okay, you know what, I'm gonna shut up, cause this movie's too good to hold up. In fact, let's run the rest of it. Sizzling conclusion to "Return of the Living Dead."

[fading] Why did that blonde zombie say that eating brains stops the pain, but they're not really EATING the brains? They're chomping INTO the brains, but they're not really INGESTING the brains. Is that more editing by TNT? They're a little uptight about excessive organ-consumption. But it's organ-consumption that IS integral to the plot.

"RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" Outro

Goodbye, Louisville, Kentucky. As far as I know, that's one of the few films in history to use Louisville, Kentucky, as an integral part of its plot, and mainly it's to blow it up at the end. Actually, Louisville, Kentucky, is an integral part of the plot of "The Hustler." Anyway, here's my interpretation of the end of that movie: EYE think they're saying that when the army nukes the place, and the acid rain starts again, it's like the nuclear version of burning the zombie in the incinerator. Now every dead thing within a hundred miles is gonna be hopping around like a chicken with its head cut off. Including chickens with their heads cut off. I'd hate to be in the frozen food section right now. But the guys who made the sequel didn't latch onto that idea--part two's just pretty much the same story, where they find more of the zombies in the tuna cans.

Okay, next week we only have time for one movie cause it's one of those NBA Big Hoohaw Slam Dunk Nights. But after the game, we're showing "The Gate," the kiddie demon flick that stars the young Steven Dorff as the yard monster who opens a gate to Hell in his back yard.