feature

Poltergeist

"POLTERGEIST" Intro

Okay, it IS Easter now, so it's time to start the 1982 Tobe Hooper horror classic, "Poltergeist," where, just like the J-man, the dead are restless. And you know what? I hadn't watched this flick in a long time, and I personally don't think it's that scary anymore. I don't know what it is, but it just didn't do that much for me when I re-watched it. The little girl is great--Heather O'Rourke. She's dead, right?

So is Jobeth Williams as the mom trying to figure out how the ghost zombies are getting into the house.

And, of course everybody remembers Zelda Rubinstein as the psychic who comes in and acts like a spiritual Dust Buster. In fact, everybody remembers her sooooo well that they completely forget that Beatrice Straight is in the movie. Beatrice Straight is actually the head paranormal cleaner. Zelda is just somebody that comes in for the big last scene. But you could ask 30 people what Beatrice Straight does in this movie, and they wouldn't know, would they?

Anyhow, it's worth watching again, just because it's one of those movies that any horror fan needs to be intimately familiar with. Let's take a look at those drive-in totals:

Thirty undead bodies.
One dead bird.
Flying toys.
Killer tree.
Porkchop maggots.
Gooey face-peeling.
And the biggest nightmare of anybody living in California-- groady zombies in the pool, clogging the filter.

Three and a half stars. Check it out and I'll be checking in with you during the movie, telling you everybody you're watching who is now a DEAD PERSON. Okay, roll it.

[fading] Beatrice Straight--is she dead? Zelda Rubinstein? What about the teenage daughter?

Dead or alive? They were dropping like flies on this picture. I'll find out for you.

I like to put you in the Easter mood.

"POLTERGEIST" Commercial Break #1

Well, I must commend the TNT high sheriffs for restoring the footage they so ruthlessly cut out last time we showed this flick. They even put back that scene where Craig T. Nelson and Jobeth Williams are smoking the Arkansas polio weed in bed. When was the last time you saw THAT on TNT?

You know, this was directed by Tobe Hooper, director of the greatest horror flick of all time, "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," but it was PRODUCED and co- written by Steven Spielberg, so you got an oil-and-water thing going on here. Evidently Big Steve kept messin with Tobe's direction, because you KNOW that Tobe wouldn't make his movie sweet and cutesy. Tobe would have the poltergeists eating faces off right from the git-go.

But it's got that Spielbergian glow to it, doesn't it? Kinda make you puke, doesn't it? There was even a big controversy when the movie first came out in 1982, about who REALLY directed it, and Spielberg took out a full-page ad in Variety telling everybody how much he LOVED Tobe's direction. Right. Okay, back to the movie. This next segment has what I consider the scariest scene in the whole dang flick.

Roll it. Go.

[fading] Craig T. Nelson looks like he's probly done a little weed in his day, what do you think? I think so.

"POLTERGEIST" Commercial Break #2

I still think the scariest scene is that one where the chairs are all set up on top of the table, in a pyramid. How did they do that? That's what I wanna know. Cause the camera never leaves the mom. No cuts, no edits. It moves away from the kitchen table, just a couple of seconds, moves BACK--and the chairs are changed. That's not even a special effect, really, but it's danged scary. Okay, back to Jobeth Williams in short shorts.

[fading] She looks pretty good for someone who's supposed to be the mother of three, doesn't she? When MY mother wore cut-offs--well, let's not go there. My mama's a good-looking woman. You know why? Sliced peaches and cottage cheese salad. Diet plate. Her favorite food.

"POLTERGEIST" Commercial Break #3

Little Heather O'Rourke, lost inside the TV set. That's supposed to be one of the scariest scenes in the movie, where the tree comes through the window and grabs little Robbie. And Industrial Light and Magic spent all these jillions of dollars making the toys fly around the room and all that stuff. But I still think those chairs being stacked up was way scarier.

Okay, time to go get the paranormal researchers. Roll it.

[fading] Do you realize that Spielberg kinda BELIEVES in this stuff? I mean, he would have to, wouldn't he? Oh, excuse me, I forgot--do you realize that Tobe Hooper BELIEVES in this stuff?

"POLTERGEIST" Commercial Break #4

All right, in the scene we just saw, who was the ONLY Academy Award winner? Beatrice Straight, the Numero Uno paranormal researcher.

She won the Academy Award for "Network" --she was William Holden's wife. But do you even remember she was IN this picture? No, we're waitin for Zelda, aren't we?

We want Zelda, we want Zelda. Zelda and Beatrice don't even agree in the movie, do they? One says "Stay away from the light!" The other one says "Go to the light! Go, go to the light!" And by the end of the movie, you're thinkin, Should she GO to the light, should she AVOID the light, where the heck IS she, why is the wind blowing all the time? What is the light?

Okay, continue, go. Honk if you like maggots.

[fading] I promised to give you the "Poltergeist" death report. Next commercial break. Guaranteed. Boy, I'm just a FOUNT of wisdom tonight, aren't I?

Don't answer that.

"POLTERGEIST" Commercial Break #5

Okay, "Poltergeist" is one of those flicks that's Haunted By Death. A few months after the movie came out, the older daughter, played by Dominique Dunne, was murdered by her live-in boyfriend. Dominique was the sister of Griffin Dunne, the actor, and the daughter of Dominic Dunne, who is probly one of the greatest journalists of the 20th century. He wrote an O.J. book I was looking forward to, but then a bunch of OTHER people wrote books on O.J., so he made his a NOVEL. Big disappointment. Not that I read it. Anyway, then the little girl, Heather O'Rourke, she made both sequels, but before "Poltergeist 3" even came out, SHE died, at age 12. "Intestinal obstruction" was the official reason. Oliver Robins, the little boy, made the first sequel, but then was never seen in Hollywood again. Which means, he didn't die, he just wised up and left town. And two other people from the second movie died; kinda creepy, right? Especially the little girl.

All she did before this movie was a Barbie commercial, and Spielberg discovered her having lunch in the MGM commissary. And he said, "Would you come over here and stick your hair in front of this fan? Great! You're hired!" She was just five years old. That's another reason I think Spielberg didn't let Tobe Hooper direct the picture--cause, if Spielberg wasn't directing, what was he doing hangin around the commissary, giving out jobs? Anyhoo, let's move on, because you know who's comin now? This movie FINALLY starts pickin up, because ZELDA appears. Here's the little midget-woman now. Roll it.

[fading] I shouldn't say "midget." Here's the little dwarf-babe now.

"POLTERGEIST" Commercial Break #6

Zelda Rubinstein single-handedly saves this movie, in my opinion. "A terrible presence is in there with her." You take a line like that, give it to anybody else to read, and it's corny.

Put it in Zelda's weird voice, add in that strange little Dr. Ruth Westheimer body, and you've got movie magic.

I think Zelda was a little upset that she didn't get more movie offers after this performance. She did the sequels. She had already played a backstage munchkin in "Under the Rainbow." She was the voice of Atrocia Frankenstone on "The Flintstones." But it wasn't until "Picket Fences" that she got her first regular acting gig. Life is tough for a four-foot-tall swami woman, I'm tellin you. Don't you just love her, though.

Okay, let's go rope Carol Ann.

[fading] I think Zelda's a local gal, don't you? "Yall are jammin my frequencies." We oughta see if she's in Dallas, have her come do the show sometime. The two of US'll look like a pair, huh? I must have two and a half feet on her. But we could give her a booster chair. It's not a problem.

"POLTERGEIST" Commercial Break #7

Okay, which do you think was more disturbing: the big roaring head, the mom and the kid falling out of the ceiling covered in red slime, or Beatrice Straight having to stand there smiling while Jobeth and Craig T. Nelson smooched? That was weird, wasn't it?

The two of of em are layin a big wet one on each other, Zelda is yelling instructions, and Beatrice Straight has to just stand in the doorway of the bedroom smiling and pretending that she's not really p.o.ed about being upstaged by a munchkin with a drawl. Okay, Zelda says the house is clean, but there's some serious special effects still to come, so let's roll.

[fading] Now tell me one more time. Do you go TO the light? AWAY from the light?

Does the light make you dead? Where is the light? What is the light? Why do we care about the light?

"POLTERGEIST" Commercial Break #8

This little "Poltergeist" interlude allows me to point out that Craig T. Nelson and Jobeth Williams, familiar to us all as the Freeling parents, both got their big breaks in this film. This was the first lead role for both of them, even though they'd both worked for years and were well known in Hollywood. In fact, Craig was a comedy writer and performer. He used to be partnered with Barry Levinson, the director of "Diner" and "Rainman" and many other fine pictures.

But this took him to a whole new level, culminating in ... "Coach." I don't get it, either, but that's what happened.

Okay, now, the thrilling conclusion of "Poltergeist," directed by Tobe Hooper, we THINK, although Steven Spielberg hung out on the set a lot and messed with Tobe's head, and probly influenced the zombie footage because Steven was way too proud of the fact that there's not very much gore in this movie and Tobe LOVES gore, but we won't dwell on that now, because it's almost over. Let's boogie.

"POLTERGEIST" Commercial Break #9

And so ends "Poltergeist," with the destruction of the lovely Cuesta Verda subdivision. Better known as Irvine, California. That's where they filmed that. Actually, 90 per cent of that flick was filmed inside Stage 27 on the lot at MGM in Culver City, but the subdivision they used was Irvine, one of those "cities of the future" where there aren't any trees, like being in one big Ben-and-Jerry's commercial your whole life.

You know, if I can just say one more thing about this battle between Tobe Hooper, the director, and Steven Spielberg, the producer, you see it right there at the end. Zombies poppin up out of the swimmin pool--classic Tobe Hooper. Strange lights that make the house collapse --classic Steven Spielberg. They're real proud of that 12 seconds of film where the house explodes. They built a miniature that cost about $25,000 and was about six feet long, and then they filmed it at 360 frames per second as they blew the sucker up with shotguns. That took two seconds, which they stretched out to 12 seconds in the movie when they slowed the film down. Anyhow, I'll take one of those pop-up zombies any day. I'm sure that if they just woulda LEFT TOBE ALONE, he could have had even GROSSER zombies.

That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a jerk.

Did you guys hear the one about this mangy-lookin guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink? The bartender says, "No way. You don't look like you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué." So the guy says, "Deal!" and he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. The hamster's really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before," and he gives the guy a drink. The guy downs it and asks for another. The bartender says, "Money or another miracle, or else no drink." The guys reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has an incredible voice and great pitch, he's really a fine singer.A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "Deal," takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kinda nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must've been worth millions. You must be crazy!" And the guy says, "No. The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

[fading] A farmer lives alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog that he dotes on. One day the dog dies, and the farmer goes to the parish priest and asks, "Father, my dog is dead. Could you please say a mass for the creature?" The priest says, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, not telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." The farmer says, "I'll go right now.

Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for their services?" Priest says, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?