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The People Under the Stairs

"The People Under the Stairs" Intro

"Okay, we have "The People Under the Stairs" up next, but first I wanna remind you that next week is Max night, when we'll be showing the wacky Steven King directorial effort--and I do mean "effort"--"Maximum Overdrive," where killer vending machines and such start taking people out. And we'll have the third Mad Max movie, "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome," starring Mel Gibson, who borrows John Lithgow's wig, and Tina Turner looking fine in chain mail.

Okay, time for a Wes Craven flick. Wes is, of course, one of my favorite filmmakers for about 25 years now. He started out with "Last House on the Left," one of the most brutal geek nightmares ever made. In the mid-seventies he made my personal favorite, "The Hills Have Eyes," great cannibal flick. Of course, the general public knows him best for the original "Nightmare on Elm Street" and his most recent flicks, "Scream" and "Scream 2." But right now we're gonna watch one of Wes's films that has a very loyal following--"The People Under the Stairs," starring Brandon Adams as the 13-year-old kid who goes to the house of his evil landlords and finds out that they're keeping a little girl prisoner, and there are zombie mutants livin between the walls. It's like every picture Wes makes. You don't get very far into it, and all of a sudden you can't tell where the reality leaves off and the nightmare begins. And you can't figure it out till the very last scene. So I won't say much about it, for those who haven't seen it before. But I will give you those drive-in totals:

Six dead bodies.
One dead dog.
Multiple shotgun wounds.
Flesh-carving.
Brick-whacking.
Crotch-socking.
Roof-diving.
Fireplace poker placement.
Bayoneting.
Serious explosives.

Three and a half stars. Okay, go.

[fading] This movie also has humor in it, but I think it's more on purpose. I shouldn't say anything--I should let you make up your own minds. [beat] This one's more goofy, though. Anyway, you'll see. [beat] It's quirky, is what I mean. I'll shut up. The humor on THIS show, of course, is always intentional. What humor? Who said that?"

"The People Under the Stairs" Commercial Break #1

"The great Ving Rhames as Leroy. He's become pretty big playing some great roles the last few years. Marsellus Wallace in "Pulp Fiction"--the guy who throws his friend out the window for giving his wife a foot massage. Don King in that big cable movie last year that won all the Emmys. "Out of Sight." "Mission Impossible." Irving Rhames.

Wendy Robie is the name of the actress who plays the creepy woman in the house. Pretty weird one, even for Wes Craven. "That THING that lives between the walls." Wes is at his best when he's dealing with houses. Houses are the scariest things in the world, when you think about it. Next to my second ex-wife, that is. Okay, back to the movie.

[fading] Actually, my second ex-wife kinda looked like Wendy Robie. More facial hair, though. That was the actual grounds of divorce when the court papers were filed: "Lack of Electrolysis." [shudders]"

"The People Under the Stairs" Commercial Break #2

"Nasty, funny flick, with some great lines. Now, if you're paying attention, you gotta notice the resemblance to "Alice in Wonderland," right? Complete with the little girl named Alice and all the wicked comedy and the way the whole house is a series of stairways and secret passages and you never quite know where you are. Only this is like "Alice Cooper in Wonderland." It satisfies the first rule of every great horror flick: Anybody can die at any moment. Okay, go.

[fading] The Lewis Carroll classic, "Alice in Wonderland." See, when you mention literature, you just kinda lose em, don't you? They go, "Wha'd Joe Bob say? What is that, a porn movie?" Actually, there IS a porn version. Not a bad movie either. We should do a film series where we show the children's version they use on Nickelodeon, followed by the one they use on the Spice Channel. Compare and contrast."

"The People Under the Stairs" Commercial Break #3

"Okay, so we got the Exposition Scene out of the way. Good thing, too, cause this flick was gettin kinda confusing. "Sometimes 'in' is 'out.'" This is like one horrible parent nightmare after another, but you don't know exactly where it's going. I guess this is the part where it drags in the middle. You know how it always has to drag in the middle? Wouldn't be a movie if it didn't drag in the middle. That was proved by Aristotle. Okay, let's speed it along.

[fading] For those of you who aren't familiar with the great work "The Poetics," it's a Greek treatise, setting out the elemental principles of all dramatic expression, and it was written, of course, by Aristotle Onassis."

"The People Under the Stairs" Commercial Break #4

"Daddy just goes crazy with that shotgun, doesn't he? "Never shoot your gun outside!" One of my favorite lines. That actor is Everett McGill, and I think the idea here is that he's doing every dang thing that you always THOUGHT might be going on inside that house at the end of the street where the family with the guard dog lived, right? And you would tell your mother and she would go "Well, they're just DIFFERENT, you be nice to em." And you'd say "But, mom, they were shooting a rifle at us all day." And she'd say "Well, I'm sure it was okay." Parents NEVER GET IT, do they? This could actually happen.

[fading] Did any of you guys have parents?"

"The People Under the Stairs" Commercial Break #5

"The only Wes Craven movie where people walk around sayin "Dang it" and "Shut the faith up." Or could that be TNT? Hmmm . . .

And Everett McGill, the ultimate Monster Daddy, dressed up in head-to-toe black leather like Hannibal Lechter going to a party. What's the deal with those leather zip-up zoot suits? You see those everywhere now. If you put one of those on, do women go "Oh, I just LOVE IT when you look like an Italian sectional sofa"? I mean, what is the deal with that? "Look at me, I'm dressed up like a cat toy." They always say it's something from your childhood that makes you like stuff like that, right? So what could happen in your childhood to make you wanna suffocate yourself in a leather duffel bag? Did you get beat up by a gay biker or something? Anyhow, if anybody knows what this is about, send me a letter, gimme a clue here. Okay? Back to the flick.

[fading] He just looks so WEIRD in that thing. . . . Do they sell those here?"

"The People Under the Stairs" Commercial Break #6

"I'm Joe Bob Briggs. This is "MonsterVision." And right now we're watchin the modern child-abuse classic "The People Under the Stairs." You can beat up the little boogers, but in the nineties, they're gonna turn into the guys from Kiss and fight back. Now for the conclusion, where the rug rats triumph over Nazi child-snatchin step-parents everywhere.

[fading] A lot of these Wes Craven movies have a cultural and sociological message. Like the sociological message of this one is, "If your step-parents are mean, find the fire poker and learn how to use it."

"The People Under the Stairs" Outro

"Talk about throwing money at the problem. There you have it--cash raining down on the ghetto, driving out the influence of evil landlords. From the mind of Wes Craven. That movie has a lot of levels to it. I must've seen it four or five times now, and I see new stuff every time.

Okay, I wanna remind you that next week we have the Steven King Hall-of-Famer "Maximum Overdrive." I'm it's in SOME Hall of Fame somewhere. And we'll also have "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome," which I know one or two of you missed when we showed it last month. Should be a fun night.

That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that a day without sunshine is like . . . night.

Did you guys hear the one about the cop who pulls over a guy who's been weaving? Cop goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." Guy says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I'm an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." The cop says, "Okay, fine, then I need you to come down to the station and give a blood sample." Guy says, "I can't do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample," the cop says. Guy says, "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I'm also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood-sugar." Cop says, "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." Guy says, "I can't do that, officer." Cop says, "Why not?" Guy says, "Because I'm drunk."

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

[fading] Guy walks into a bar and sits down, orders a beer. As he sips his beer, he hears a voice say, "Nice tie." He looks around, doesn't see anybody but him and the bartender at the other end of the bar. A few sips later, same voice says, "Beautiful shirt." Guy calls the bartender over and says, "I must be losing my mind. I keep hearing voices saying nice things, but there's no one in here but us." Bartender says, "It's the peanuts." Guy says, "What?" Bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."