feature

Damnation Alley

"DAMNATION ALLEY" Intro

Okay, flash back to 1977. The Bicentennial is over, the shark is dead, and everybody wants one of those John Travolta white suits from "Saturday Night Fever." Some of the most popular movies in the history of life came out of 1977: "Star Wars," "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," and, of course, "Damnation Alley," which we have for you tonight. It stars the great Jan-Michael Vincent and the late George Peppard as a couple a guys who hate each other for about five minutes, till the whole world is nuked and they drive the Oscar Meyer Wiener armored battle truck across country in an epic quest to reach the mecca that might save mankind . . . Albany, New York. Let's do those drive-in totals and get it started. We have: 250 million dead bodies. No breasts. Exploding continent. Axis-tilting. Giant scorpions. Exploding military base. Gospel singin. Face eating. Rock throwing. Flash flood. Axis RE-tilting. Gratuitous shaving. Cockroach Fu. Hillbilly Fu. And no plot to get in the way of the story. Two stars. Check it out, and I'll be right here.

[fading] Did I mention this was a post-apocalypse flick? That's our theme for 1999. Next year we'll be showing only movies that have marching bands in em. 2001 is all films starting with the letter C. We're working on 2002. Because TNT says we must have . . . a theme. Post-apocalypse. Also known as post-holocaust. Why don't we ever show a pre-holocaust movie? Pre-Apocalypse Night on TNT. Movies where everybody is sooooooo happy. Nobody would watch that, would they?

"DAMNATION ALLEY" Commercial Break #1

Did the opening of this movie look familiar to you guys? That whole scene where Jan-Michael Vincent and George Peppard get I.D.ed into the nuclear missile room, and get the codes and turn the keys and everything? You guys see "WarGames" when we showed that? Looks like ole John Badham stole his clever little opening from "Damnation Alley." Except in "WarGames," Michael Madsen doesn't turn the key, and then we find out it was all a test, and then Matthew Broderick plays video games for two hours.

Okay, how many of these "day after" kinda movies have there been? They seem to come in waves. There's an interesting flick called "Five," from 1951, about the five survivors of the nuclear holocaust. Of course, it's not as good as the one Roger Corman made in 58, "Teenage Caveman," starring the Man from U.N.C.L.E. himself, Robert Vaughn. There's the classic "Twilight Zone" episode from the early 60s where Burgess Meredith survives the bomb and then his glasses break, and right after that, the 1964 Vincent Price made-in-Italy flick, "The Last Man on Earth." But it really picks up in the 70s, starting with "The Omega Man" in 71, and in the mid-70s there was a post-holocaust BOOM--no pun intended: "The Ultimate Warrior," the Don Johnson flick "A Boy and His Dog," "Damnation Alley." I'm not even counting the VAGUELY post-apocalyptic flicks like "Logan's Run" and "Planet of the Apes" and another great Corman flick, "Deathrace 2000." The POST-post-apocalypse flicks. By the way, I should let you know that I'm lining up a "Planet of the Apes" marathon for later this year. Anyhow, just as we thought these movies were tapering off, George Miller makes "Mad Max" and "The Road Warrior," and these flicks are all over the place again in the 80s. And there were TV movies like "The Day After," and the Eyetalians made about 800 "Road Warrior" rip-offs, as we learned last week. But then when the Cold War ended and the Wall came down, and we weren't having nightmares about the Commies anymore, filmmakers started leaning toward the more domestic action flick. Except Kevin Costner, who continues to make post-apocalypse flicks like "Waterworld" and "The Postman," even though no one gives a rat's hiney, and both of those were bigger bombs than the one we dropped on Hiroshima. All right, let's go see what Jan-Michael's got in store for us.

[fading] By the way, were you guys as upset as I was when they bombed Trenton, New Jersey? That was like a whole list of cities we don't need. Boston--please, the town doesn't even have a football team. Seattle--finally got rid of Starbuck's. Washington D.C.--I don't think I need to explain myself on THAT one. How many months was that hearing?

"This man LIED about how many times he had sex."
"Er, uh, incoming missiles."
"He had sex in the Green Room, he had sex in the Blue Room, he had sex in the Oval Office . . ."
"Uh, thermonuclear alert, sir."
"He had so much sex we impeached him."
[explosion sound]

"DAMNATION ALLEY" Commercial Break #2

Did you notice the sophisticated navigation equipment on Landmaster 1 and Landmaster 2? It's a Texas Instruments calculator! Anyhow, that's Paul Winfield playing Keegan. You guys make it through "Star Trek II" when we showed it a few weeks ago? Remember when Ricardo Montalban puts the killer larvae into Chekov's and the other guy's ear? Paul Winfield was the other guy. Paul's one of the few guys in this movie who still works all the time. And the other guy, the one driving the second Oscar Meyer Wiener truck--his name's Kip Niven. He's played many a supporting role in disaster movies, including "Earthquake," "Airport 75," "The Hindenburg," and a ten-year marriage to Linda Lavin, which couldn'ta been pretty. Okay, there's a storm a-brewin, so let's go check it out.

[fading] Linda Lavin, from "Alice." The show that popularized the phrase "Kiss my grits!" Which I'm now gonna have to hear from the camera crew for the whole rest of the night. Hey, [ ], kiss my grits! "No, you kiss MY grits!" Aren't we mature?

"DAMNATION ALLEY" Commercial Break #3

First the streets of New York turned to dirt, and now Circus Circus is just one big sandbox. Apparently there's gonna be lots of SAND in the apocalypse. And that's the spicy French actress Dominique Sanda as the gal who slept with the casino owner to advance her career and then--durn!--those atomic bombs just threw everything off track. Dominique definitely fits into the category of women you'd do stupid things for, you know what I mean? I'm surprised George Peppard is not all over her like ugly on a toad. Remember George in "The Carpetbaggers"? He would just assault those pretty girls, do those mash-face power kisses. But now he's got the white hair, and he just says "Put on a T-shirt and some jeans, honey." I wish I'd thought of that Frank Sinatra line before Frank kicked the bucket. "Hey, babe, come on down to the bomb shelter with me and I'll introduce you to Conway Twitty." Doesn't really cut it. All right, back to the flick.

[fading] "Hey, babe, come on down to the bomb shelter with me and I'll introduce you to Lyle Lovett." Yeah, that's gonna work. Who have I had on the show. "Hey, babe, come on down and I'll introduce you to Ice-T." Yeah.

"DAMNATION ALLEY" Commercial Break #4

And so we have the famous Salt Lake City armor-plated-cockroach motorcycle-race screaming-French-girl sequence, leading me to ask the question "What the hayull is going on?" How come the nozzle on the gas pump is all rusty, but there's a perfect brand-new shiny motorcycle for Jan-Michael Vincent to tool around on? And, of course, they must have spent a LOT of the eight-million-dollar budget of this film just on the scene where Paul Winfield gets has face eaten off by the killer cockroaches. This WAS a big-budget movie for 20th Century Fox, but Fox wasn't too thrilled with it, and so they put it on the shelf for a year before releasing it. I can't imagine why. They have the screaming talents of Dominique Sanda. Although I think they might have dubbed those screams, now that I think about it. Every time she has to do ANYTHING emotional, they put it off-camera; they don't show her face. They have the future "A-Team" star, George Peppard. They got Jan-Michael Vincent before all the car accidents. And they've got director Jack Smight, maker of such great films as "Harper," "Midway," and of course, "Airport 75." That's the one with Charlton Heston, Karen Black, Linda Blair, Sid Caesar and Helen Reddy as the nun who sings "Delta Dawn." All right, it looked to me like there were a couple of roaches still stuck to Jan-Michael and Dominique, so let's get back to the flick.

[fading] You guys want me to sing a little "Delta Dawn"? [objections from offstage] Oh, yeah, well, you can KISS MY GRITS.

"DAMNATION ALLEY" Commercial Break #5

So here are my questions: What's the power source on the electric razor George Peppard is so fond of? I haven't seen em stopping off at 7-Eleven for any double-A replacement batteries, have you? What was the French girl doing with the salt? And how did that kid get a role in "Bad News Bears" after everyone saw him in THIS? That's Jackie Earle Haley. He was also in "Breaking Away," playing the greasy pimple-faced kid. He specialized in greasy pimple-faced kids. I think the last thing I saw him in was "Maniac Cop 3," and then he kinda disappears from the scene. Anyhoo, the wayward cockroaches haven't turned up in the LandMaster yet. Maybe that's what the salt was for. Okay, let's go.

[fading] By the way, I happen to know that the crater they caught the kid by is in Arizona. So we've gone from California to Vegas to Salt Lake to Arizona, and this movie is only about, what?, AN HOUR AND A HALF OLD? So I guess we're gonna have an extended action sequence in every single state on the way to Albany. We're gonna be watchin the Teletubbies here by the time they hit Niagara Falls. Man.

"DAMNATION ALLEY" Commercial Break #6

The bloody pus-faced hillbilly rape sequence--most exciting thing so far. "BEEEElie, come back!" And how bout that driving montage? What is that, the FIFTH driving montage used by director Jack Smight to disguise the fact that this movie has ABSOLUTELY NO PLOT? Anyhoo, I guess when Jan-Michael Vincent says something to George Peppard about a PALC-99, that was some kinda military code for "the hillbillies are raping the French girl in the diner." And speaking of the military, let's take a look at George Peppard's career before we call it a night. The guy really worked his way up the ranks. He started out in 1957 as a Cadet in "The Strange One." He was promoted to Corporal in 63 in "The Victors." He made Lieutenant in 65 for "Operation Crossbow." You know, I'm a military man myself. I was in the Texas A&M Aggie Corps for a full week. They kicked me out for taking rifle training too seriously. Anyhow, in 1967 he became a Captain in the flick "Tobruk," where he remained for three movies, until he made Major in "Damnation Alley." And in 1983, he became the beloved Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith in the immortal TV show "The A-Team," co-starring, of course, Mr. T. "I pity the fool." One of his last flicks was a TV movie called "Night of the Fox," where he was still a Colonel, and in 1994 he died at the age of 64 to a 21-gun salute, no doubt. One of the few guys who was married more times than ME. Five times ole George tied the knot. How much alimony you think THAT guy was paying? No wonder he died relatively young. Guess what? It's time for the rock-em sock-em conclusion to "Damnation Alley." Roll it.

[fading] This movie really keeps the momentum up, doesn't it? Hey, we just blew up the diner, let's pause now for the French gal take a shower and brush her hair, for George Peppard to get a little reading in, and for Jan-Michael Vincent and Jackie Haley to TAKE A NAP. You know, if that gal was in MY shower, I think I'd be doing something besides taking a nap, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Even if she DOES have hillbilly drool all over her. I guess those weren't hillbillies, were they? Desertbillies. Cactusbillies. Sagebrushbillies.

"DAMNATION ALLEY" Outro

Sure, we've seen it before--the old plot about the tidal wave that hits Detroit and drives the amphibious military assault vehicle under the water and then it bobs up 17 miles from Albany and civilization is saved by the modern Noah, George Peppard, and the virile motorcycle-riding Jan-Michael Vincent. The timeless classic "Damnation Alley."

I wanna remind you that next week we have the great zombie spoof, "Return of the Living Dead," plus the "Jaws" sequel made AFTER they lost Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw, but BEFORE they went 3-D: "Jaws 2." Unless we get nuked. In that case, I'll be holed up in my bomb shelter with the 37 cases I have reserved just for the occasion.

That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that friends don't let friends take home ugly women.

Did you guys hear the one about the farmer who buys several pigs, hoping to breed em for ham and bacon? After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and he calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but he doesn't want to display his ignorance, so he just asks the vet how he'll know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet says that instead of standing around, they'll lay down and wallow in the mud.

So the farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, and does his duty--with all of em. Then he brings em back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes up and looks at the pigs. Seeing that they're all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads em into the truck again. He drives em out to the woods, does his thing again, twice this time, brings em back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. He tells himself one more try, and he proceeds to load em up and drive em out to the woods. He spends all day with the pigs and, when he gets home, he falls exhausted into bed.

Next morning, he can't even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. His wife says, "Why, no, they're all in the truck, honking the horn."

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

[fading] How do you know when you're staying in an Alabama hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

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