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Christine
"CHRISTINE" Intro
Hell hath no fury like a woman trying to steal a parking spot at the mall, right? Well, tonight, Hell hath no fury like a FURY scorned -- a 1958 Plymouth Fury named "Christine." I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and is there ANYTHING that women ever forget? Is there anything they ever DON'T remember? This memory thing is bugging me. How come they can always remember and I never can? How come, when I DO remember, it doesn't count? Lemme give you an example. Let's say there's a girl named Wanda, and let's say Wanda is the wife of a guy named Steverino. One day Steverino asks Wanda to deposit his paycheck in the bank on her way to aerobics class. But Wanda decides she'll deposit the paycheck AFTER she does aerobics. So she puts the paycheck in her locker, and when she's leaving the gym she tosses it into the dirty-towel bin along with her dirty towel. An hour later she returns, only to find out that the paycheck has been washed and chewed up into a thousand itty bitty pieces by the industrial-strength aerobics institute cleaning unit. "CHRISTINE" Commercial Break #1 Whoa! Who spiked HER Geritol? No wonder Arnie's a complete wimp. I mean, first his mom makes him take his lunch in one of those little brown bags, then they won't let him have a car. His parents probly make him play Scrabble with em, too. That's Keith Gordon as Arnie. And did you guys notice Kelly Preston as the bimbo cheerleader? She was a tender young 21 when this flick was made in 1983. On the other hand, the guy who plays Buddy the high school meanie looks like he was about 36. Guess he got held back a few times. Okay, once again, I didn't get to the drive-in totals before we started, so here they are: Seven dead bodies. Hands roll. Stomachs roll. One brawl. Three pints blood. Zero breasts. No kung fu. One motor-vehicle chase. Extra credit for drive-in scene where the bimbo almost gets choked to death by the car. Great crash-and-burn scene. One exploding gas station. One attack by a road grader. Three and a half stars. We shall return, and I WILL be giving you the full report on Stephen King as he recovers from his big accident. [fading] Next week is the year anniversary of "The Accident." That's how Big Steve's friends refer to it. And around here, we are definitely friends of Big Steve's. We were showing "Maximum Overdrive" on this show at the exact moment the accident happened -- but it's not our fault. I hope he got my card. Kathy Bates sent him a card, and all it said was "Got Novril?", which is the drug she gave James Caan after she broke his legs in "Misery." Stephen King movie. Don't make me explain any more. "CHRISTINE" Commercial Break #2 You know, I hate when the geeky character stops wearing his glasses with no explanation. Why does that always happen in movies? I want either a scene where they get contacts, or a scene where they trip over a curb and say "Hey, all in the name of beauty." All right, so lemme catch you up on Stephen King. For those of you who don't know about it, a year ago Big Steve was taking a walk along the road near his house, when a guy driving a blue 1985 Dodge Caravan was paying too much attention to his dog and slammed into one of the bestselling writers of our time. Steve's head shattered the windshield -- his glasses ended up IN the car -- and he was hurled over the vehicle and landed in a ditch 14 feet away. Now. Lemme pass over the gory details for a minute while I point out a few interesting facts. 1) It happened the very night we showed a movie Stephen King himself directed, "Maximum Overdrive," which is about a bunch of cars and trucks and machines going haywire and killin people. 2) Our movie that night was sponsored by a motor-oil company, further solidifying the automotive theme. 3) The dog in the Caravan was named Bullet. Stephen King's new short-story, which you can only get by downloading it off the Internet, is called "Riding the Bullet." And 4) Well, I'll tell you number four when tonight's movie is over. You'll appreciate it more then. Plus I'm out of time. [fading] Motor vehicles with demonic personalities are a recurring theme in Big Steve's work. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Don't mess with that stuff, I say. "CHRISTINE" Commercial Break #3 Now, if I remember correctly, the hoodlums that just trashed Christine deposited a little present on the dashboard, in the form of human waste, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Looks like the censors didn't like that. But they did leave in the part about the foxy Alexandra Paul choking on her cheeseburger. Actual attempted murder, yes. Gross high school pranks, nyet. You know, the novel "Christine" was still on the best-seller list when the movie came out. But they added that whole beginning part on the assembly line where the car kills the guy for dropping cigar ashes on the seat. In the book, Christine gets possessed by the evil spirit of her first owner. Also in the book, Arnie ages as Christine gets younger. Kind of a Dorian Gray thing. In the movie, we only see the odometer go backwards, which is just plain confusing without the other part. But I still love this flick. I think John Carpenter did a great job, and he got some good actors for it. Okay, Rusty's gonna be out here with the mail at the next break. Speaking of which, lemme give out my addresses while I'm thinking about it. You can write care of TNT, 1010 Techwood Drive, Atlanta, Georgia, 30318, or e-mail me at joebob@turner.com. Might as well give the website a plug, too: tnt.turner.com/joebob. Go. [fading] Alexandra Paul is a cutie, isn't she? She's got an identical twin sister who's a firefighter. I just have one thing to say about that: Anybody got a match? "CHRISTINE" Commercial Break #4 [letter (w/bug baggie), large manila envelope] J.B.: The fat boy pulls a KNIFE on Christine? Wooooo, very scary! But a pretty cool scene where Christine repairs herself after being smashed to smithereens by the bad guys. That's probly about what Stephen King looked like when he was lying in the ditch after his accident. RUSTY: Oh, that's terrible! J.B.: What, it's true. Should I tell you the extent of his injuries? RUSTY: No, it gives me the willies. J.B.: Rusty, you've flown a jet through a war zone during a thunderstorm -- how can you get the willies hearin about a collapsed lung and a couple of fractures? RUSTY: Do you know what an external fixator is? J.B.: What? RUSTY: It's where they put all this metal in your leg to hold your bones together and there are pieces protruding from your skin that hold it all in place. J.B.: Uh huh . . . RUSTY: He had this erector set thing bolted into his knee while his leg healed. And in his pelvis, he had INTERNAL fixation hardware, which is under the skin. He had five operations, and-- [Joe Bob starts to faint, breathing heavily] RUSTY: Oh, jeez, put your head between your legs. [takes manila envelope from mail bag] Here, breathe into this. [he does] I do have a letter for you, from Lori Anne Sweet Eckersall of Panama. J.B.: All right. I'm okay. [one more breath in manila envelope] Panama, the country? "Dear Joe Bob, "I enjoy watching your show on TNT (in Panama it's channel 25 on cable). But I was highly offended by remarks you made [last night] during 'Creepshow.' Not all women are squeamish about cockroaches; I've seen my sister smash em with her bare hands. I've even seen my brother eat one (although I did ask him to please not do that in front of my kids again.) "Personally, I don't have a qualm about scraping them off my shoes (better than picking it out of my blueberry muffins!) So please, refrain from making these CHAUVINISTIC remarks - here in the tropics, as I'm sure in Southern states in N. America, we gotta live with em. (Roaches, not the remarks!) So to remind you, I'm sending you a small gift from Panama! "Enjoy! "Lori Anne Sweet Eckersall." Okay, Lori Anne so you're a cockroach killer, fearless. I give up. [re: plastic packet] Wait, is this what I think it is? Oh, gosh . . . [he starts to faint again, putting head between legs] Gimme that envelope back. [Rusty gives him back manila envelope and looks at plastic packet, unmoved.] "CHRISTINE" Commercial Break #5 You know why he had to die? Because he was DIRTY and he never shaved and he chewed his cigar down to the nub. Rule number 47. So that was the end of Robert Prosky, who plays Darnell the garage owner, and the rest of the young hoodlums. What did we learn from that? We learned that any turkey who plays the Stones on his radio is a goner. But it's the BEGINNING of Harry Dean Stanton as the curious detective, and of Arnie's new black leather vest. Cause when you become cool, you always start wearin leather. Also, when you're being chased by a rabid flame-engulfed Plymouth, always run down the middle of the road. Course, ducking into an alley didn't help Moochie, so what the heck. Plus we got to see that EXCELLENT plow-and-burn, where Buddy ends up lying on the broken yellow like a freshly ignited piece of charcoal. I should point out that Keith Gordon -- that's Arnie, remember -- he put away his nerd-boy image and DID become cool. More specifically, he became a director. Wrote and directed "Waking the Dead," which I believe is still playing, and he also did "The Chocolate War," "A Midnight Clear," and "Mother Night," that Nazi flick with Nick Nolte. So, hey, go Keith. Okay, back to "Christine," after the ads. [fading] Wonder what the first meeting with Nick Nolte was like. "Mr. Nolte, this is the demonically possessed geeky guy who falls in love with a car in "Christine" -- he'll be DIRECTING you." "CHRISTINE" Commercial Break #6 You know, that one speech, where Keith Gordon, as Arnie, chugs beer and drives with no hands and plays chicken and says "Love has a voracious appetite" -- one of the greatest speeches in horror movie history, in my opinion. And now John Stockwell has carved a little message into Christine's hood. Why do I think she is NOT going to be happy about that? By the way, was he CRYING when Arnie was drinking and driving around like a maniac? So the cool guy becomes a wimp, and the wimp becomes a cool guy, is that it? Okay, I wanna see what's gonna happen at Darnell's Tonight, so let's return to "Christine," after the commercials. [fading] Dennis seemed to accept that Christine is alive pretty darn easily, didn't he? Course, when you've got Alexandra Paul rubbin up all over you, you'll believe just about anything. "Oh, yes, honey, let's go kill the car, mm hm. Whatever you say. Can I smell your hair again?" "CHRISTINE" Outro And . . . WHAT did we need Harry Dean Stanton for? To ask about the paint job, and then attend an automotive funeral? I should point out that another difference between the book and the movie is that, in the book, Arnie and his mom get killed in a separate car accident while Christine is being destroyed. So Christine doesn't kill Arnie, like she does here. That seemed weird to me. Also, I wanted to point out that the famous Dodge Caravan that ran over Stephen King was purchased by his lawyer to keep it away from souvenir hunters. And King's lawyer says it WILL be destroyed. Okay, next week we return to the world of independent low-budget action flicks, otherwise known as B-movie hell, with "Within the Rock." A loose moon is headed toward Earth, and some outer-space miners have just unleashed an alien. Sounds vaguely familiar.. . That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though. You guys hear the one about the blonde whose car breaks down on the highway? She eases it over onto the shoulder, gets out and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle, where they stand facing the oncoming traffic, opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. A HUGE pile-up happens, and it's not long before the highway patrol shows up. Cop yells at the blonde, "What the heck is going on here?" Blonde says, "My car broke down." Cop says, "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" Blonde says, "Those are my emergency flashers!" Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die. [fading] Why did the blonde have to break her car window? Because she left her keys in the ignition and her two blonde sisters were locked inside. |