The Maxim Test
The Maxim Test
By Joe Bob Briggs
August 26, 2003
Yes, the shouts are echoing through the dormitory hallways from Chico State to Georgia Southern. (At Bob Jones University, the words are being whispered.)
In a masterful publicity stunt combining shameless self- promotion and reality TV, Maxim magazine is daring college seniors to go to its Web site and undergo a rigorous examination to see who becomes the next lowly underpaid summer intern at 1040 Sixth Avenue, world capital of the strategically placed bikini top and the 800-word essay on phone sex. The ten finalists will be flown to New York and abused for three days by the staff while cameras film the action, and the lucky winner will end up as an ignored gofer who isn't paid enough rent to cover his lousy walk- up New York apartment.
It is, of course, every frat boy's dream.
"Can you write articles, compose funny captions, fetch industrial-sized tubs of mayonnaise, and demean yourself on a daily basis?" asks the help-wanted ad in the September issue. "Then maybe, just maybe you have the ninjalike skills required to become the lowest-ranking member of Maxim's team of typewriting monkeys."
Even though my eligibility ran out some years ago, I like to think I can hold my own among any posse of keg-swilling hormonal party boys who wear the same Beefy-T undershirt three days in a row, so to test my alertness I went to the site and, if I may say so, aced the extensive exam, which included a Rohrscach test, a scavenger hunt (an editor needs a "hog bung dropper" by noon tomorrow, so you have to find it and give him the Web site or phone number), writing a caption for a picture of an exhausted long-distance runner face down on the pavement with his butt up in the air, an editing test (you have to clean up and improve an appallingly badly written paragraph about the sport of "zorbing," which involves bouncing down a mountainside in a giant plastic ball), and, of course, the all-important essay questions that test your character:
"You just blew $1,500 in company funds while 'brainstorming' in the champagne room of a local strip club. How's it gonna show up on your expense report?"
I would tell you what I answered, but I don't want someone to beat my score.
Actually I think they're making it way too easy to get the job. Since the average length of a Maxim article is about, oh, 50 words, what they should do is have each applicant write 20 articles apiece. And, of course, those would be the 20 articles that appear in Maxim over and and over again anyway, mainly:
1. "How to Get Hot Girls to Have Sex With You"
2. "Shotgunning an Old Milwaukee Tall Boy: Secrets Your Creepy Uncle Didn't Tell You"
3. "How to Get Hot Girls to Have Sex With You Even If You're Ugly"
4. "Forty Porn Sites for Forty Bucks: Your Boss Won't Know"
5. "How to Get Ugly Girls to Have Sex With You and Not Tell Anybody"
6. "Hose Down a Hooters Girl: The Latest Extreme Sport"
7. "Britney's Left Nipple: The Complete Story"
8. "How to Get Your Girlfriend to Have Sex With You"
9. "My Bachelor Party in Vegas and the Two Minutes of It I Remember"
10. "When Your Psycho Ex Puts Pictures of Your Foot Fungus on the Internet, Know How to Deal"
11. "Cool Stuff You Can Blow Up, Pound On, Mutilate and Destroy"
12. "How to Verify a Stripper's Phone Number Before You Leave the Club"
13. "I Touched Salma Hayek's Crumpled Napkin and Stood Close to Her While She Picked Something Up Off the Floor"
14. "Unknown Swedish Aspiring Actress Annika: Everything You've Wanted to Ask Her"
15. "Vodka or Tequila: Your Life May Depend On Your Answer"
16. "No, She Probably Won't Do That, But Here Are Eight Sneaky Ways to Broach the Subject"
17. "Cruising for Loose Change at Your Best Friend's Wedding: Beware of Bridesmaid-Dress Chunk Camouflage"
18. "Relationships That Last More Than a Month: How to Handle the Nagging"
19. "Why Girls Rarely Laugh at Fart Jokes: A Psychologist Explains"
20. "How to Get Fat Girls Who Work at Wal-Mart to Have Sex With You"
Because, really, if you can't handle the basics, you're really not Maxim material.
© 2003 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved