Thus Spake Kobe
Thus Spake Kobe
By Joe Bob Briggs
July 14, 2003
First thing out of the box, in fact, his attorney Pamela Robillard Mackey announced that a) he was innocent, and b) she would not be trying the case in the press.
By my stopwatch, the promise lasted about, oh, 12 minutes. She proceeded to bash the sheriff and the district attorney, accusing each of them of misconduct, raising the question: "Uh, Pam, you're a lawyer, right? You can go to the judge and ask him to cite these guys for misconduct. That would be not trying the case in the press!"
To get downright technical about it, she wasn't supposed to say her client is innocent, either. As an officer of the court, she should say he's pleading innocent, or she's confident he will be found innocent. To say he's innocent is to pretty much zap the bejeezus out of the idea that only the jury can decide. (In England they'll still hold you in contempt if you state a legal conclusion, or if you call a witness a liar. But, hey, we're in the wilds of Colorado here. They used to load union mine workers onto railroad cars, arraign them in bullpens, and figure out the rules later.)
But let's focus on what Kobe actually said. I call this the book of 1 Kobe, verses 1-16. I'll do the exegesis, just in case the spiritual meaning is not immediately obvious to you. And thus spake Kobe:
And the multitudes were amazed, for they had accounted him as god.
2. "I mourn, I cry just like everybody else."
Okay, we got the "like everybody else" part, although at this point you have to start thinking that someone who constantly reminds you he's just like everybody else, probably thinks of himself as not just like everybody else. But nice touch--showing his weepy ungodlike feminine side.
3. "And I sit here before you guys, embarrassed and ashamed for committing adultery."
One of the actual commandments is invoked, with the correct rabbinical Latinate phrasing--"committing adultery." Not "I did the girl." A commission of sin. But instead of sitting here before the guys, shouldn't he be there, before here, with all the embarrassment and shame? Calling in the sportswriting press for some kind of Puritan ritual is, at the least, gonna make them all check their watches and stare at their tasseled loafers.
4. "And you know, if I could go through the feeling of it, if I could just turn back the hands of time--and I love my wife so much."
Did he just quote a rhythm-and-blues classic while reaffirming his marital vows and telling the press he wants everyone to feel his pain? I think so, but if you look at the syntax of the sentence, we apparently had a shift in theme. From "just a man" to crying to embarrassment to shame to adultery, and now suddenly he's about to break into "Feelings" while telling the deejay he wants a shout-out to his only true love. Or something.
5. "She's so special to me."
Yes, now she is.
6. "But I'm innocent."
I guess the confession is over, huh?
7. "And together, my wife and I and my family, we're going to fight these false accusations."
Even the six-month-old baby is gonna fight.
8. "We have a lot at stake, I have a lot at stake, and it has nothing to do with the game of basketball, it has nothing to do with endorsements."
So what's at stake is not saving his career, and it's not saving his bank account. He's apparently already saved his marriage, because there she sits, clasping his hand. So what's at stake is--oh yeah, the whole four-years-to-life-in-prison thing. The "we" is a little troubling, though. Okay, we'll pass the "we." Baby and wife need Dad.
9. "Nothing at all."
Are you listening, Nike?
10. "This is about us."
Oh, so it's not about jail?
11. "This is about our family."
Oh, wow, okay. Well, the adultery thing is already out there. So he thinks he can't win the probation thing if found guilty. I don't see a lot of jail time in this thing, even if convicted, because, as we all know, they did let Mike Tyson out of jail. If you set up Mike Tyson as the standard, then nobody goes to jail for more than four years, and people at the Kobe level go straight to probation. So obviously he's speaking of the family's abject inconvenience if he has to report to a probation officer. I think it would be two minutes in and out, though. First question: "Do you have a job? Hehehe." Second question: "Are you staying away from remote spa hotels?"
12. "And I've been falsely accused of something and I'm innocent."
The repetition is nice. He's hitting hard on that whole bearing-false-witness commandment, which makes it one to one in commandment-breaking between Kobe and the 19-year-old girl. But she may also be technically guilty of adultery as well, which would make it 2-1 Kobe. We need to ask a rabbi for a ruling on that.
13. "Shoulder to shoulder we're going to fight this all the way to the end."
This is the rarely used Zone Offense.
14. "And I appreciate everybody out there for their support."
Obviously you didn't read Mike Lupica's column in the Daily News.
15. "And we're going to need their support and prayers now more than ever."
The press doesn't pray, but nice try.
16. "Thank you."
Kobe, having established his mere mortality, confessed his non-prosecutable sin, vowed to crusade against gossipers and backbiters who would convert his non-prosecutable sin into a prosecutable one, bitten his lip, shed teary droplets, and affirmed his family's steadfast determination to oppose false witness wherever they find it, graciously blesses his scribes and courtiers.
Then he vanishes behind the curtain, like Oz.
There was actually an easier way to do this. It's called entering a plea.
© 2003 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved