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Last Dragon (1985)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews


This is the day you all been waiting for.

I realize a lot of the radio stations in the country decided to exploit this thing commercially and not take it in the spirit it was intended, but this is the first official day of the drive-in song, "We Are The Weird," written and performed by all the drive-in artists of the world,

for the benefit of minority groups in Africa and the United Negro College Fund in the United, States, cause I think we should be sending as many Negroes to college as we can, specially the stupid Negroes.  We cut the record last week, and everbody was there, and it was the emotional experience of my life.  Leatherface showed up, Jason was there, Mamie Van Doren, Jamie Lee Curtis, the Swamp Thing, Pia Zadora, Big Chuck Bronson, and they all stood there, swaying from side to side, arms linked (except for The Mutant, who don't have arms) and singin their little hearts out.

I'd like to point out how I don't get a penny out of this, except 35 percent raked off the top for use of my personal production facilities out at Lake Grapevine.  Other than that, I don't get nothin.  Lyrics by Joe Bob Briggs, music by Smokey Robinson and the Everyday Occurrences.  Here goes, world premier, Empty-Vee video comin later, you were there, attention please ladies and gentlemen, could we have a drum roll please, here it is, b/f/d/ for charity, thank you could we have a a little silence in the room por favor?

(First verse boys only:)

There comes a time
When we need a piece of meat
When the world
Must scrape together some grub
There are Negroes dying
And it's time to make em eat

(Take it girls:)
We can't go on
Pretending day by day
That someone else
Will build the cafeterias. . .
We all need chow to stuff our faces wtih
And the truth, you know, goat-meat
is all we need.

(Everbody now, make it wail, sing out:)
We are the weird,
We are the starvin,
We are the scum of the filthy earth,
So let's start scarfin. . .
There's a goat-head bakin
We're callin it their food,
If the Meskins can eat it,
They can eat it, too.

(Okay, bring it down, Stevie and Willie only:)
Send 'em a heart so they'll know that someone cares
And a lung, and an elbow, and three big toes.
As the Big Guy told us, we should always clean our plate,
Cause them all the Africans' stomachs won't look gross.

(Back up singers, chorus, Lionel Richie, groupies, everbody:)
We are the weird,
We are the starvin,
We are the scum of the filthy earth,
So let's start scarfin. . .
There's a burger bakin
We're callin it Big Mac
But all it really has inside
Is a roach's back.

(Down again, Diana, Michael and all sissies:)
When you're down and out,
And there seems no slop at all,
Cause they took it for the tourists at the Hilton Hotel,
Let us realize that they need it just the same
Cause they don't know how to eat a beetle shell.

(Big finish, drive it home, Hallelujah!:)
We are the weird,
We are the starvin,
We are the scum of the filthy earth,
So let's start scarfin. . .
There's a Moon Pie waitin
And a Dr. Pepper, too
And we'll send out for Shakey's pizza,
Me and you.

I don't know about you, but I'm too choked up to play it again.  All I can say is, by buying this song ($19.95, payable to Joe Bob Briggs Records), you are playing an important part in the fight to perpetuate a tragedy.  I thank you, the Africans thank you, and Leatherface thanks you.

It's too bad "We Are The Weird" previewed the same week as my review of "The Last Dragon," cause the movie's just gonna get swept under the carpet in all the excitement and we're talkin about the best Negro kung-fu musical of '85.  The star is a guy named Leroy, also know as Bruce Leeroy, who lives in Harlem above the family binness, the only Negro pizza joint in New York ("Jussta directa you feetsa to Daddy Green's Pizza").  All Leroy does is watch Bruce Lee movies, go to kung fu class, wear a little chinaman's hat, say stuff like, "I am confused, master," and take guff off a dude named Sho Nuff, The Shogun of Harlem, who dresses like the heavyweight pimp of the world.  What we got here is black guys acting like Chinamen, and Chinamen trying to jive, and stupid white people all over the lot, trying to cheat the Negroes out of their Empty-V record money.  We got kung-fu dancing.  We got a gang fight in front of a moviehouse screen where Bruce Lee is kickboxing in "Enter the Dragon."  We got piranha tanks.  We got throwing stars, Nunchuks, and Chinese breakdancing to the song "Suki Yaki Hot Saki Sue."  We got punks and geeks and professional killer wrestlers.  We got something out of the mind of Berry Gordy, king of Motown Records, master of jive music.

No breasts. One quart blood.  Eighteen beasts.  Ten kung fu scenes.  Disco fu.  Kid fu.  Lightning-fist Negro fu.  Seven brawls.  Face-beating.  Ankle-biting.  Great "Kiss My Converse" scene.  Four dead bodies.  Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Taimak, as Bruce Leeroy, for being named Taimak; Vanity, as the Empty-V fox hostess, for being named Vanity; Julius J. Carry III as Sho Nuff, the Shogun of Harlem; Leo O'Brien, Leeroy's kid brother, who says affectionate brother stuff like, "You chocolate-covered yellow peril ping-pong-playing chow-mean-for-brains kung-fu-head"; Christopher Murney, as one of the best stupid white people gangsters of the year; and a bunch of other Negroes and Chinamen that all look alike.

Four Stars



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