Howling 7 (1995)

TRANSCRIPTS - Monstervision

"Now. There's a lot of resemblance between the various "Howling" movies.

For example, they all have the word "Howling" in their title. That's the main thing they have in common.


I'll still synopsize the missing "Howlings" for you, though, to put your mind at ease as we skip to Part 7. "The Howling IV" takes place in a town called Drago, and the werewolves look like German shepherds with a shag rug strapped to their backs. That's all you need to know about that one. "Howling V" is basically "Gilligan's Island" in a Hungarian castle with a body count. "Howling VI" is pretty decent; it's sorta the feminist "Howling." And that brings us to "The Howling VII." Remember when I said that a bunch of people wrote in to warn me of the awfulness of "The Howling III"? Where were you guys on THIS one? Number three is like "Casablanca" compared to Number seven. Clive Turner wrote, produced, directed, edited and stars as a two-steppin hippie cowboy who gets a job in a small-town bar where a buncha locals stand around and tell each other bad jokes while people get attacked by a werewolf off-camera. And the locals of the town are played by the actual locals of the town, for better or worse. I'll let you decide. Let's do the drive-in totals. We have:

23 dead bodies.
Four dead werewolves.
Tourist hacking.
Head rolls.
Melting husband.
Lethal chili con carne.
Gratuitous line-dancing.
Gratuitous sing-a-long.
Billy-Club Fu.
More gratuitous line-dancing.

[fading] I'm no longer allowed to advise the use of a cold foamer to get through a movie. That's all I'm gonna say."

"Howling 7: New Moon Rising" Commercial Break #1

"Well, look at the hematomas on that gal Jacqueline. She never SPEAKS, but she lets those Winnebagos do her talkin for her, doesn't she?

Okay, I bet you didn't realize this was a musical, did you? Is that the most depressing line-dancing you've ever seen? What are they doin in the dark?

It looks like line-dancing from Hell.

Then we got that weird choreographed scene with the guys in the sombreros sweeping up, with the synchronized drinking.

And, of course, Pappy and Harriet's musical number. I'm guessing that I don't really need to remind you that these people are non-actors. That's the late Pappy Allen as Pappy, and Harriet Allen as Harriet. So far I've found one guy with another film credit: John Huff, who's playin the priest, starred in a silent movie when he was a kid, back in 1925, a western called "Zander the Great." The Laurence Olivier of the cast. All residents of the real Pioneer Town. Ask me what Pioneer Town is. I have no idea. Okay, back to the flick.

[fading] How much do you think this movie cost? About 150 bucks, right? Course, it was made back in 1996, when 150 bucks bought a lot more. Today it would cost 152 bucks. YES, we're gonna watch the whole thing."

"Howling 7: New Moon Rising" Commercial Break #2

"Okay. Maybe it'll get better. Right? We're only 36 minutes into it. You know those two guys, the priest and the police inspector? Every time they come on the screen, I have to go . . . now WHO are these guys? Because the priest doesn't really look or talk like a priest, and the cop SURE doesn't look like a cop. And then, for some reason, whenever they start the flashback story about what happened to the werewolves in the Hungarian castle, the inspector guy goes "You know what? I'm tired. Could I take a rain check on the rest of that story?"

Or "Before you finish that, could we take a break and get a little fresh air." This might be the only screenplay in the history of the movies that actually SHOWS PEOPLE taking a break and getting a little fresh air.

"Hey, Cheryl." "Hey, Jim. Have you seen Ted?" "He's over there." "Thanks, Jim." "Hey, Jim." "Hey, Ted, Cheryl's lookin for you. She's over there." "Thanks, Jim." Screenplay by Clive Turner, copyright 1995. Clive Turner is Ted, the Australian hippie guy.

As I mentioned, he's the auteur of this baby, although there was apparently a co-director named Roger Nall who Clive stole the full credit from. I'm sure Roger is really p.o.ed that his name got taken off. And for those of you tracing your "Howling" history, we had some flashbacks to Part 5 in there--all the Budapest stuff. Pretty much any time you see something that looks like it cost more than a dollar, it's a flashback to an earlier movie. I am kinda confused, though, cause in Part 5, Clive Turner played a guy named Ray, not Ted, so I don't know if some OTHER guy played Ted, or they changed his name for some reason, or what. But who cares? Let's do some more line-dancing! Roll it.

[fading] This is kinda like one of our favorites around here, "The Legend of Boggy Creek," which also stars real people. But "Boggy Creek" doesn't stop for Satanic line-dancing every five minutes. It's a nice touch, isn't it?"

"Howling 7: New Moon Rising" Commercial Break #3

"Oh, this movie just gets better and better, doesn't it? So it takes three years, roughly the amount of time between sequels, for the werewolf to "develop fully." And if there's a full moon it will become "engorged with an awesome new power." That's what I used to say to my ex-wife. "No, really, honey, at midnight, I become engorged with an awesome new power." My favorite actor is Brock, the fat guy, who seems to specialize in sittin around at the bar. Brock does the entire movie with one expression. Then, of course, I mentioned before that chesty blonde gal Jacqueline, who DOES speak after all. "Whatever it was, was not normal." That was HER line. And by the way, that's Sybil Ramsden as Sybil, the priest's wacky secretary. Sybil was also in, let's see . . . gee, this is her only credit. Huh. I think she's married to John Ramsden, who plays the Inspector.

He MUST have some other credits. Uh . . . hm, nothing for him either.

Well, it's almost time for another musical number.

The next one features Pappy, doing his most famous song, "Stand Up."

This you're not gonna believe. Roll it.

[fading] It's a musical, it's a comedy, it's a werewolf moov-- Oh, I knew there was SOMETHING missing. They're not gonna line-dance again, are they?"

"Howling 7: New Moon Rising" Commercial Break #4

"Let's see, those wacky party animals from Pioneer Town go out in the desert and find a dead body, but they decide not to tell anyone, "just bury him," because they find a newspaper clipping in his pocket revealing that he's a murderer. Is that what just happened?

See, I missed it, because I was still reeling from the chili scene. Pappy's chili goes bad. Pappy goes for a drink. And how about that rousing Pappy Allen country song "Stand Up"? You think that's available on CD? Now I see what was going on in the minds of the TNT programming department, puttin these two flicks together. It's the Australian connection. They thought, "Well, we COULD show 'Howling VI,' which has a couple of decent monsters, as well as actual ACTORS in it, or we could show 'Howling VII,' which has some Aussies living out in the California desert who decided to each contribute a nickel to make a werewolf movie without any werewolves in it.

Yeah, let's show THAT one."

By the way, I should point out that that's Janos [Yanos] as Janos, Dolores as Dolores, and. . . well, you get the idea. Back to the flick.

[fading] All these little character bits really add to the story, don't they? Pappy's chili. The woman playin the spoons. The George Jones discussions.

I love those moments.

I can't even WAIT till you guys see what's comin up. This might be the only werewolf movie in history to feature a fat woman playing the spoons."

"Howling 7: New Moon Rising" Commercial Break #5

"I was wondering when they would do a fart joke, weren't you? Because you can't even THINK about making a decent werewolf movie without a good fart joke.

Can we have who's ever not workin a camera to come up here and do that "Deep in the Heart of Texas" thing with the zippers with me?

Aw, come on, you babies.

All right, forget it. I have to show a clip, anyway. I just want you guys to watch this dramatic moment again. Watch how long it takes Pappy to say his line here.

Roll the clip.

Talk about your pregnant pause, huh? I think ole Pappy really WAS having a few nips between takes. I wonder who was standing off screen waving their arms trying to get him to remember he had a line there. I should let you know that we have an actual actress in the movie now-- Romy Walthall as Marie.

She was in "Howling IV," known as Romy Windsor back then. And that was a flashback to the big money shot from Part 4, the one where the guy melts down to his bones and then turns into a werewolf. Okay, back to "Howling VII." Go.

[fading] "Howling VII," the only werewolf movie where the werewolf hunters say the line, "We're wasting valuable drinking time." How apropos. "

"Howling 7: New Moon Rising" Commercial Break #6

"Oh, the horror! The horror! Have you ever seen people sitting around a campfire who sway in perfect unison to a song about using drugs? Now you have. And how about that blurry red lens, which signifies . . . Werewolf Vision! It's becoming clearer and clearer why Clive Turner chose the people of Pioneer Town for his movie. What a talented bunch. And that cop looks like he's right off the force, doesn't he? They like em scruffy out in Barstow.

You guys know where Barstow is? When you're drivin from El Lay to Vegas, that's the town you stop in to gas up and use the facilities. Pioneer Town is where the Barstow people go to get away from it all. Very happening place.

Okay, thrilling conclusion to the immortal "Howling VII."

[fading] I haven't been to Vegas in ages. Not since they made the old, cheap part of it into a mall.

I always felt at home in the old, cheap part. Some of us are old. Some of us are cheap. Most of us are old and cheap. That's what Vegas is all about, isn't it?"

"Howling 7: New Moon Rising" Outro

Is it over? Those people aren't gonna sing another song, are they? Wasn't that sweet? A student film made by elderly drunk cowboys. "The Howling VII," written, directed, edited by and starring the great Aussie hippie, Clive Turner.

Okay, I wanna remind you that next week, we have the great low-budget "Gremlins" rip-off and its successor, "Ghoulies" and "Ghoulies II," so be sure you're around for that.

That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the sight of a bald eagle has thrilled human beings for years.

The sight of a bald man, though, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

Hey, you guys know what a zebra is?
26 sizes larger than an A-bra.

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

[fading] What do you get when you cross an elephant with a skin doctor?
A pachyderma-tologist.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
To find a tight seal.
How do you turn a fox into a cow?
Marry her.

One Star

Joe Bob says check it out.


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