A few presidents ago, people started asking me how to write. Friends, mostly.
"Say Joe Bob, I've got this great idea for a book. All I need to know is how to get it in shape."
Or "I'm planning to be a writer. Do you have any advice on where I could start out?"
Or sometimes I would get invitations to speak at writers conferences or journalism conventions or university seminars on weighty topics like "The Modern Humorous Essay." And I would go to cocktail parties where bitter white wine was served in plastic glasses by women with two last names. And, for a while, when I first got these invitations, I would actually accept them and go spend a day spouting off about this thing and that thing and the other thing. And people would TAKE NOTES on the stuff I was saying. And when aspiring writers wrote me letters, I would write them back, volunteering suggestions on how to write and when to write and so on and so forth. And the aspiring writers would write me back, so GRATEFUL for what I had told them.
And then, one day, I realized . . .
This latest in the string of exorcism flicks trying to capture that Linda Blair Anderson's Pea Soup Magic Formula follows big-eyed Isabella as she tries to find out if her mama is possessed or just a whack-job. You see, Mommie Dearest killed three people during an attempted exorcism (on her, which everyone reminds us repeatedly) back in 1989, was committed to a Vatican-sponsored insane asylum—who knew the Vatican ran loony bins?—and now her grown-up daughter has agreed to be part of a documentary about the whole thing.
Have you noticed how much time God has been spending on home runs and slam-dunks lately? This winter I think God scored half the touchdowns in the NFL. I've never seen so many wide receivers crossing themselves in the end zone and giving thanks for those six points.
Read more: Why does God love Tim Tebow but hate the Broncos?
There are some people left in America who don't understand why God created drive-ins. There are even some people in New York who don't understand what the word "drive-in" means.
If you know any of these people — or any of the unfortunate people living in North Korea who are denied the right to attend movies in automobiles — I urge you to share this article on Facebook or Twitter immediately.
Read more: Joe Bob Briggs Guide to Impeccable Drive-In Etiquette
In a country always in search of new status symbols, mere MATERIAL POSSESSIONS are no longer enough.
Mercedes? Sorry, you're a couple of decades late. Ferrari? Pffst ... So 20th century. Latest Iphone? Even the MAID has Siri doing her bidding.
Back in 2008, David Duchovny checked into a sex-addiction clinic. Ever since then I've been hearing about these places, mainly as late-night talkshow jokes.
I've even met people who told me they were in Sexaholics Anonymous. Every time they want sex, they call up a friend so they can be TALKED OUT OF IT.
Never have so many non-Catholics said so much about what Catholic doctrine should be.
The last time I checked, the Vatican was not a county commissioner's board in South Dakota. But that's how everyone seems to be treating the Sex Summits in Rome.
REDNECK TWITTER @THEREALJOEBOB
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Okay okay, I have to admit there's one parkour movie that I do like: http://t.co/UIQl4IJh
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When will parkour be over? http://t.co/TMFWFPrb
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Drive-In Theater and MonsterVision will be digitized and cleaned up and rereleased, thanks to crack L.A. editor by way of Phoenix @abbytoir
