REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

So there’s this French village—the buildings look French, the signs are all in French, even the peoples’ names are French—but everyone talks like the GEICO gecko. Where would this be, exactly? I mean, Alsace-Lorraine has that whole German/French thing going on, but is there a Brit-speaking Frog town?

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Anyway, the strain of speaking Brit in a French town has apparently gotten to everyone, because this one lady goes all Mommie Dearest on her little apple-cheeked psychic son. Little dumpling Maurice can communicate with his dead twin brother Jacques, and there’s a World War and a diphtheria epidemic going on, so all the old bats in town who’ve lost children convince Mommie Dearest to make Maurice hold a séance so they can contact their dead kiddies, even though talking to the dead makes Maurice’s eyes go black and a creeping shadow with claws shows up. If Masterpiece Theater did movies, it’d look something like this.

Four breasts. Six dead bodies. One nekkid floating lady. One black-eyed baby. One dead kid in a coffin full of apples, for no apparent reason. One tree root that transforms into a bloody umbilical cord. One school lecture about crickets. One diptheria epidemic. One wartime shortage of men. One book burning. Ghostly swinging. Three village busybodies. Grabby-clawed shadow fleeing. Child slapping. Forced slimy, hard-boiled egg-yolk eating. One over-reaction, followed by teapot dropping. One scary school vaccination. One medical mystery. One photography session, with stuffed bunny. Stuffed bunny mutilation. Stuffed bunny burning. Stuffed bunny repair. One delivery of a creepy séance table. One creepy séance. One menacing shadow. One alcoholic priest. Suit ripping. Mysterious disappearing bruises. Strangling. Ear biting. Head butting. Gratuitous discussion of crickets. Shadow Fu. Chair Fu. Ear biting. Wooden stake Fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Bonny Ambrose as Madame Armand, for looking like an Avon Lady on a bender, and for intoning, “Ladies, please ask yourself with all your being if your desire to see your dead children again is powerful enough to let you see them again"; Hayley J. Williams as Mommie Dearest, for ripping up Maurice’s only toy while screeching, “Now you also know what it’s like to lose something you love!"; and Laurence Belcher as little Maurice, for saying, “Nobody is allowed to talk to Jacques!”

Three stars.



Joe Bob says check it out.

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