Okay, I'm gonna describe this woman.
She's got fluffy blonde hair, teased, permed, and coiffed about $300 worth. She's got a straight nose, thin lips and large bedroomy eyes. She wears tiny pearl earrings and a simple pearl necklace that hangs down onto a tanned neck and chest.
Her dress is classic -- either Ralph Lauren or Calvin or maybe Donna Karan -- and it has a jacket that parts JUST THE RIGHT DISTANCE from her breasts. She always wears black pumps. But if you notice anything, you'll notice her fingernails. They're a little too long for her age. Her hands give her away. She's forty.
Okay. I've seen this woman OVER and OVER and OVER again. Every time there's a picture of some savings-and-loan executive entering a courtroom, or some defrocked minister entering a courtroom, or some bond trader entering a courtroom, or some Congressman entering a courtroom--any time some powerful guy is going in to argue why he shouldn't be going to jail, THIS WOMAN is with him. It's the same woman. Always the same woman.
Do they rent out this woman?
Do they trade her back and forth?
Who is she?
She doesn't say anything, but when her eyes flash you can see that she says a LOT in private. She has an iron grip on her man's hand at all times. She looks POWERFUL--much more powerful than the guy we THINK is powerful.
Is she a wife? She doesn't really look like a wife.
But then she doesn't look exactly like a mistress either. A mistress would be more affectionate and playful. This woman looks like she's ready to lead the French Foreign Legion into the Sahara.
What is this woman doing, and why do these men need her?
Am I missing out on something? Do I need to get me one of these women?
Where do you find them? She doesn't look too country-clubby, although she spends a lot of money on her clothing. She doesn't look too country-western clubby, although she has the big hair required for admission. She's not a singles-bar Lipstick Lizard, although she DOES enjoy caking on that makeup.
In fact, if you look closely at her, and you imagine her being, say, 20 years older, you might think she was the guy's MOTHER instead of his wife. She has that no-nonsense Mother Thing going. That Iron Maiden "Bring Me My Purse" Thing.
I wanna know if anybody else has noticed this.
It's spooky.
Where does she come from? Where is she going? Who is she?
And, judging by the look on her face, does she have a weapon?
Speaking of scary makeup jobs, this week's flick, "Abducted II: The Reunion," is the story of what would happen if three old girlfriends from Swiss boarding school decided to spend the week camping in Canadian wild-sheep country. They just might be kidnapped by a cock-eyed mountain man wearing a goat head and carted off to his cave, where he'll decide later which one will become his "wife," if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Fortunately, two of the girls get away through masterful strip-tease dancing, kickboxing, spear-chucking, and loud screaming, and the third girl decides she kinda LIKES the weirdo. She, like, understands his pain. And the stage is set for veteran B-movie actors Dan Haggerty and Jan Michael Vincent to helicopter in for the big crossbow-wielding endangered-species-defending finale involving a subplot about the geek's long-lost father.
It's one of those deals that starts out decent and finishes big, but boy is it slooooooooooooooooow in the middle.
This is the old city-women-in-the-woods story first popularized by the immortal "I Spit on Your Grave." But it doesn't have the real GRIT it needs to be the true female "Deliverance" they were trying for.
Nice shot, though.
Four dead bodies. One dead moose. One dead sheep. Six breasts. Stomach-gouging. One motor vehicle chase. Spear through the shoulder. Deadly knife-flinging. Crossbow to the chest. Cliff-plunging. Gratuitous aardvarking in flashback. Five Kung Fu scenes, two with sharp sticks. Rifle-butt Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Debbie Rochon, as the junk-food-eating redhead who describes her old boyfriend by saying "I like animals," for excellent screaming, and for the big emotional scene where she says "You make this sound like some kind of a game!"; Jody Andrews, as the toothless old lady who says "There's been hunters gone in there, never been seen again"; Donna Jason, as the kung-fu survivalist macho woman, for some excellent somersaulting martial-arts moves, and for saying "You perverted worm!"; Raquel Bianca, as the European Walkman-loving brunette who thinks she might feel better if she can find out her kidnapper's horoscope sign, and for saying "There's nothing wrong with you, Vern, you just need a friend"; Lawrence King, as the pelt-wearing wildman who dances around screaming "You've got nice things! I like nice things!" and telling his three hostages "Choosing a wife is a big thing in a man's life"; Jan Michael Vincent, as the millionaire poacher of endangered species who hunts from a helicopter, for saying "Take a couple of loin steaks for tonight--let the wolves have the rest"; and Dan Hagerty, as the gruff big-game guide, who says "I'm already dead, son--I died when you died."
Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
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