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Movie Reviews

Machete (2010)

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So you’re a Federale with the incredibly cool name of Machete, but since everbody's tryin to be Meskin, you have to say it like Ma-CHAY-te. Anyway, you're Ma-CHAY-te, just tryin to do your job and rescue the nekkid bimbo from drug- lord-with-a-vaguely-Meskin-accent-by-way-of-Jefferson-Parish-Looziana Steven Seagal, only the bimbo turns out to be in cahoots with Seagal, and he kills your whole family and tries to set you on fire. Talk about your bad day at work.

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The Last Exorcism (2010)

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Ever since Linda Blair's head spun like a plate on a Hungarian acrobat's bamboo pole, pretty much everbody has known how to do an exorcism and what to expect. The possessed stretches out on the bed, the holy man shouts prayers, the bed shakes, the demon howls, and there you go.

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Frankenhooker (1990)

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First there was "Frankenstein." Then there was "Bride of Frankenstein." Then there was "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein."

Now, the movie that will still be grossing us out twenty years from now--no, I'll go farther than that, this is a movie MORE disgusting than "Let Me Die a Woman," the 1978 classic showing actual surgical footage of a man being turned into a woman. You've heard about it. It's here. A perfect 100 on the Vomit Meter.

Read more: Frankenhooker (1990)

   

Forced to Fight (1992)

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Remember last year when Jimmy Connors started winning all those tennis matches at the age of 39 in the U.S. Open, and for about two weeks everybody in the country went ape? Remember when Nolan Ryan, at the age of 42, threw another no-hitter? Remember when George Foreman, an old man himself, went 15 rounds with the champ?

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The Fly (1986)

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Going immediately to No. 1 on my Best of '86 List was David Cronenberg's drive-in masterpiece remake of "The Fly," which was even better than the one Dave had already clocked in the Drive-In Hall of Fame, "The Brood."

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Five Minutes to Love (1963)

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I met this guy one time who spends his whole life searching for nekkid pictures of famous people. And the amazing thing about it is not that he spends all his time doing this, but that he has something like a 95 PER CENT SUCCESS RATE, especially with actresses. He can choose somebody who's famous for NEVER taking off her clothes, like Vanna White, and pretty much deliver the goods every time.

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Fit to Kill (1993)

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Andy Sidaris is retiring.

First Carson, now this. I don't know how much the entertainment world can take.

The man who has used more Playboy Playmates in his movies than D.W. Griffith used extras.

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Fist of Honor (1993)

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What is this thing with Line Dancing? You know, the deal where you slap your hiney with your left ankle while pirouetting on your elbow, and then kick your neighbor in the kneecap, followed by a deep dip, a toe-drag, and an Achy Breaky on your gluteus maximus.

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Firepower (1993)

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I have a question about the Gulf War. (Remember that one?)

Why didn't we kill Saddam Hussein?

Has anybody noticed that he's over there acting like an insane idiot again, killing people left and right, disrupting the region, causing as much trouble as he can cause without actually starting the war all over again?

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