Back in 2008, David Duchovny checked into a sex-addiction clinic. Ever since then I've been hearing about these places, mainly as late-night talkshow jokes.
I've even met people who told me they were in Sexaholics Anonymous. Every time they want sex, they call up a friend so they can be TALKED OUT OF IT.
I wonder what these therapy sessions are like?
"When I married Herb, I had no idea I was marrying a SEXAHOLIC! For the first three weeks he wouldn't let me out of the bedroom. One day we had sex 917 times. I mean, I have nothing against sex, but it shouldn't control your life. I felt like my entire wardrobe was being wasted."
Or what about people who marry Playboy Playmates?
"I guess I didn't think about it before I married her. I thought the name 'Playmate' was just an advertising gimmick. She demanded sex every time I turned around. She was a sex machine. She craved it. She lusted after me everywhere I went. Obviously, she was sick and diseased."
Now here's the interesting thing to me about these sex-addiction stories. In the sixties and seventies, you could have told these same stories, and they would have been considered HEALTHY. "He has sex 12,000 times a day. What a healthy guy." But in the nineties, all of a sudden, this makes you a sex fiend.
The scary thing is that there are doctors in charge of these clinics, which means there's a guy there who's gonna tell you exactly what "normal sex" is.
"Hey, Doc, how about five times a day?"
"No, sorry, too many."
"You're an addict. You need to control yourself."
"What if we just messed around on Saturday nights?"
"Now you're talking. That's what people did for CENTURIES."
Then there's the guy who goes into the clinic because he messes around on his wife.
"You're sick. You should be having sex with your wife, but instead you're having it with what's-her-name."
"You're having sex with Tiffany instead of your wife."
"My wife weighs 400 pounds. I didn't count on this when I married her."
"If you saw your wife as she TRULY is, the weight wouldn't bother you."
Actually, the guy's problem is that he DOES see his wife as she truly is, and she weighs 400 pounds. He needs to see her as Tiffany.
"I know, Doc--I'll imagine that Tiffany weighs FIVE hundred pounds."
"That's a start. At least you seem to be interested in recovery now."
Do you realize how many cartoon characters are sex addicts? Every Warner Brothers cartoon has a whistling wolf who starts jumping around on his haunches every time he sees a woman in high heels and lipstick. Obviously, this scars our children for life, turns them into froth-mouthed sexaholics.
There's a much easier way to lick this sex-addiction problem. Every time you THINK you want to have sex, just ask yourself the following questions:
1. If I waited an hour, would I STILL want to have sex?
2. Wouldn't something else satisfy me just as much? How about a chocolate milk?
3. How many times have I had sex in the last three days?
4. Is this the person I want to have sex with?
5. If this is not the person I want to have sex with, could I find somebody else in the next hour?
6. This person that I'm about to have sex with--the one with the cute dimples--will those dimples still be cute five minutes AFTER we have sex?
7. Do I have a heart condition?
8. Am I Catholic?
9. What if my Mom was here watching me have sex? What would she say?
10. Am I getting paid for this?
Any of these questions could result in disturbing answers that would result in either a) no sex, b) delayed sex, or c) sex with incredible guilt feelings that will keep you from having sex too much in the future.
Wouldn't this make us all much happier?
Excuse me, but with all this talk about sex, I've got to go somewhere and wait an hour.