In a country always in search of new status symbols, mere MATERIAL POSSESSIONS are no longer enough.
Mercedes? Sorry, you're a couple of decades late. Ferrari? Pffst ... So 20th century. Latest Iphone? Even the MAID has Siri doing her bidding.
No, we've reached the end of this particular gruelling Go-Kart ride of madness. If you wanna start trending on the twitter, it's got to be something you can't just go and BUY.
It's gotta be something you go out and DO
Here, in no particular order of importance, are the up and coming status symbols of 2012:
#1. Sexually harass someone in your office. Sure, maybe you'll take a little heat at first
Still inexplicably popular with the ovary’d Americans
Sure the PC Police will frog march you right into the nearest HR re-education center for a Clockwork Orange style lecture on "inappropriate behavior." Sure, the gal (or guy) will think you're scum. But, AFTER you've been put through the wringer - and the battery clamps on your dangly parts are removed - women will come out of the woodwork to tell you how badly you were treated and how everyone else is totally overreacting.
You'll become notorious, then sympathetic, then popular, and eventually--after the story has made it through several rounds of office gossip--LEGENDARY.
#2. Show up at a party with somebody who once made a porno
The man, the myth, the dude who looks like he should be your plumber.
If this were 2002, this would get you flat out fired. But in 2012, your boss will come over the next day and say in his best Bill Lumbergh voice, "Soooo, is she REALLY like that? I mean, does she make those noises?" Because make no mistake about it--EVERYBODY looks at the nawty internet video sites.
If they didn't see her BEFORE you showed up with her, they've seen her NOW.
#3. Marry somebody 30 years younger than you
"Sorry Mom, I'm moving out"
This is something you can do that ticks off ALMOST EVERYBODY except the person you're marrying, and it has one added advantage:
They all have to PRETEND that they're happy for you.
#4. Have an affair with someone who has agreed to pose for Playboy at a later date and then tell everyone exactly what you did with (to) her
PRO TIP: To do this, you've got to be at least semi-famous to begin with, like a Congress Critter or an actor or the head of some 1% draconian empire of darkness.
But remember--YOU get to pick the woman, because she's not gonna become famous, and Playboy's not gonna be interested, until she makes the sex with YOU.
Get it? Mucho prestige here.
#5. Write a book about everyone you've ever slept with
Captains Log: Hitting it like an Angry God since 1966
This has one drawback. If nobody buys the book, it could be VERY humiliating. So hire a "sexual publicist" who will call up reporters who are too lazy to read the book and tell them about the "juicy parts."
#6. Deny everything that is being said about you despite the presence of overwhelming evidence
PRO TIP: Use your press conference to spill embarrassing sexual details about ADDITIONAL people you've been with that nobody knows about YET.
#7. Make a movie about yourself, where it's obvious that you're a sex-craving wild animal searching for the right person
Refer to Madonna's epic bio piece "Truth or Dare" if you don't know what I mean but I think you do.
#8. Go on Oprah's new show to talk about how you were a craigslist casual encounters sex fiend
Make sure you had at least 12 different partners of various genders a night, but you soon realized how empty that life is, and so now you're searching for an "ordinary girl" you can settle down with.
Go home and watch your Facebook wall asplode.
#9. Show up at the Academy Awards ceremonies with any woman NOT featured on "The View"
PRO TIP: For best results, show up with the best pair of Sweater Hams. EVAR.
#10. Start car pooling with Jerry Sandusky
I'm telling you, the sicker you can make it, the more popular you'll become. Oh and watch your head bubba.