Advice to the Hopeless Jan 2013

WRITING - Advice to the Hopeless

Dear J B,
I wuz reeding wun of yur reeviews about thu Great CHUCK NORRIS himself, where CN goes bak 'n chopsockies a whole heapa bad guys whilst rescuin' a whole heapa
kiddies an' some wisecracker wuz sayin' thut thu bad guy chopper shoots more rockets than it could carry! Well thut jes' goes tu show thut them thar evil commies has lernt ta ree-load in mid-air! Ah hope
yer girlfrend Cherry Dilday is well.

Kindest reegards frum Oz (as in Oztraylee-ya),

You're bringing back painful memories. No, I don't mean Big Chuck running through the Filipino jungle kung-fuing extras. I mean Cherry Dilday. God I miss those pretzel arms.
Preciate the support, bud.

Hang in there,
Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

I haven't read your genius league writing since the Chronicle Pink Section dropped you like a red hot bullet. Or so it seemed. Here today. Outa here tomorrow. What is the deal about getting ahold of some of the old scravings from
the long ago, the early ninteties, when I could share them with my big-breasted lady and rejoice in the eupemisms you listed for tittays? Are they at large? Like my lady's tittays?
I intend to keep on reaping the wisdom of your weirdness now that I have crossed paths with you once again. Blow my mind and reply forthwith. Great Gig, Griggs. I envy you.


Dear Brian,
Actually we had to discontinue the ultimate list of breast synonyms due to LAZYNESS on the part of my loyal public. It's time to revive it, right?

Hang in there,
Joe Bob

Hey Joe Bob,
I'm a brain-damaged regular and I'd like to offer my assistance concerning one of your on-air queries during the screening of Jaws 2. You asked which guy was Billy Van Zant's character "Bob" - he's the guy with the life-jacket on! Is
that classic or what? Hahaha! He was one of the gang, also had a grey wool hat and maroon t-shirt. He said "Do you have to talk like that?" in response to his buddie's 'Sparrow comment. Also I think Roy
Scheider wasn't electrocuted by the power cable because the raft was rubber, kinda like an insulator, or maybe it was just because he was Roy Scheider, hehe. Anyway, take 'er easy and not too sleazy!


Dear James,

Thanks for doing that drive-in forensic investigation. We've all been waiting with bad breath all these years to find out what the hayull Billy was doing in that movie. We can finally get some sleep at night.

Hang in there,
Joe Bob

Howdy Joe Bob
I'm a professional writer and artist and B-Movie fanatic. Even have one movie I wrote to my credit - Carnies. At the moment I'm working on a weighty tome about cheesy B-Movies. WHY IS THE CHEESE MOVING -
Exploring the World of B-Movies. While it will, of course, have a ponderous list of movies, it is, after all about cheesy movies. That's the theme. And, as I am a frustrated stand up, I, of course, want to
make the book fun and cheesy and entertaining as are the movies we B-Movie freaks love. As such, lots of sidebars and short articles covering areas maybe others have missed. In that spirit, I have a
question I haven't been able to answer to my satisfaction, which you might know the answer to. Precisely, what B-Movie contains the largest number of bare breasts ever put on film outside of National Geographic
flicks? My vote, so far, is for The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak. I haven't seen it since 1988, but I recall hundreds of topless Yik Yaks. However, you, as the world's leading authority on
breastesses, may have a more definitive answer for me. This is a matter of some importance, of course, as, aside from some thirty or forty absolutely fake movies I plan to salt through the book (with a
list at the end, naturally. One has to play fair.) I want my facts to be as accurate as I can make them, accounting for whatever absurd lies I plan to tell lol. Just kidding. At any rate, I'm hoping this is one
of those bits of information so necessary for humanity's health and well being may be in your possession.

Thank you so very much for your kindness and attention,


If I'm not mistaken--and I very well could be--it's "Gas Pump Girls," mainly because there are so many shots of multiple nekkid women in a single scene. I actually saw the movie at the drive-in in the early
eighties, but I remember it being the record holder for a long time. You could also check out "Beach House." Same thing.

Preciate the support, bud.

Hang in there,
Joe Bob

Dear Joe Bob,

Several old cronies of mine and I recently convened for beer, burgers and bullstuff - and your column came up for discussion. I recall that there used to be five Bs in your rating scale - blood,
beasts, breasts, bullets and beheadings. These days I see that it's mainly the first three on the list. Can you verify this for me. A six pack of great Mexican beer is
resting on your decision.

Many thanks!


Your imagination has run off with your memory. There were always three B's. Blood, breasts and beasts. Occasionally I would say "and Boots," if the movie had Kung Fu, but I stopped saying it, because it
wasn't a good B.

Preciate the memories, bud.

Hang in there,
Joe Bob