Immortal Combat (1994)

REVIEWS - Movie Reviews

Listen up, hon.

Whoops! I called you HON.

I do this a lot.

I say "hon" so much to women that I probably qualify for some kind of Clarence Thomas scholarship to Bob Roberts University.

Actually, I have to say, I've never had a single woman get mad at me for callin' her "hon," and I've said it to THOUSANDS.

What's the deal here? Shouldn't I have at least 37 lawsuits filed against me by now? Shouldn't I at least get sent to Vassar Sensitivity Training or something?

How can I say "hon" with impunity?

Now I admit, I've never tried it out on a 300-pound lesbian bodybuilder, but if I ever MET a 300-pound lesbian bodybuilder, I'm SURE that at some point in the conversation I WOULD call her "hon."

I can't help it. I've done it all my life. It's a family thing. It's a Texas thing. I've never been around people who DIDN'T call one another "hon."

But it's one of those words that's being PHASED OUT.

By the time I'm 70, there will be people who will be absolutely APPALLED that I still say "hon." I mean, there are people who are appalled NOW, but they're not numerous enough yet. When I'm 70, I'll be an example of What's Wrong With This Country. It's all those Old Guys Who Still Say "Hon."

The closest I ever got to real trouble is one time when I called Linda Blair "hon" on TV. She acted a little surprised, then CALLED ME "HON" RIGHT BACK!

I think the whole "hon" thing is overrated, myself.

"Hon" is not a putdown, hon.

"Hon" is an American tradition of saying to a woman, "I like you. YOU'RE OKAY." Just like you say "bud" when you talk to a guy.

Am I the only person who knows these things?

This one I am NOT givin up. The only person I won't be calling "hon" is an actress I sometimes work with. And the only reason I don't call HER "hon" is that her name . . . is Honey.

After all, she might get offended. She might think I was SHORTENING HER NAME.

And speaking of women you don't wanna mess with, Meg Foster is back, she of the cold green eyes and the attitude, scariest woman in the movies. How many movies has she made where she controls an army on a remote island where she's plotting to take over the world? This time it's the old story of the ancient Mayan secret of chasing men through the woods until an incredible amount of adrenalin is shooting through their bodies, killing them, injecting them with cortisone and stuffing a plant down their throats, and turning them into unkillable warriors. By the time the movie starts, Meg has already gathered up an army of these Mayan Steroid Monsters, but what she doesn't count on is Rowdy Roddy Piper and doing body slams on em.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, but Piper is the ONLY ex-pro wrestler who can actually act--as Hulk Hogan has proven time after time--and this time he plays a cop who teams up with a grief-stricken Japanese samurai patrolman who accidentally shot his wife to death but lived to fire again, and once he gets to Meg Foster's island, he teams up with fearless reporter Kim Morgan Greene, who wears a lot of expensive short skirts and stands around the jungle while stuff blows up.

Unfortunately, Meg has captured the most notorious serial killer in history, killed him, shot him up with Mayan steroids, and turned him loose.

Fortunately, he looks like a pro wrestler.

Yes. That's right. The final scene is just like Wrestlemania VI, but with a lot more full-body impalements and exploding character actors.

Thirty dead bodies. Two breasts. Neck-snapping. Killer Chippendale dancer. Head-butting. Throwing stars to the forehead. Dart to the head. Throat-ripping. Flaming Mayan (it's not a cocktail). Fifteen Kung Fu scenes. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Meg Foster, as the cold-blooded mad archeologist, for saying "When I close my eyes all men are the same"; Roddy Piper, as the goofball cop, for saying "There is no jurisdiction when it comes to a killer, Captain"; Kim Morgan Greene, as the frigid reporter, for saying "In the future, I'd appreciate you staying out of my business"; Woon, as the ultimate Mayan kung-fu filler, for being named Woon; and Sonny "J.J." Chiba, as the Japanese samurai cop, for speaking no English but not letting that stop him from doing long scenes of English dialogue, including the line "I love you, but I am a warrior."

Three stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.