Hey guys, I need you to swing by and check out the new
Wittenburg Door website,
which I've been working on for the past few months and which I'll be
contributing to regularly. It launched on Halloween, exactly 490 years after the
event it's named after.
The Door is the pretty much only magazine of religious satire, nailing the church since 1517. I've been one of the Doorkeepers for years, as many of you know, but I was picked to be the head Online Doorkeeper and, since I had very little background in web ventures, it turned out to be sort of a combination website/newspaper/gossip sheet and, I'm proud to say, made people angry even at the beta stage.
If you like anything, or even if you don't, leave a comment, sign up for the newsletter, subscribe to the feed, and hopefully you’ll come back often.
Get a Joe Bob Autographed DVD
$21.00 + $2.90 shipping ($23.90 TOTAL)
CHEAP!
The
Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became
Mixed-up Zombies!
Order now through this site and Joe Bob will autograph your DVD (complete with his great commentary) for you as well.
Please be sure to indicate what you want the autograph to say on
the PayPal order screen.
NOTE: In order to autograph the discs, Joe Bob will personally rip the sanitized-for-your-protection plastic wrapper to get
those suckers out (and he won't even charge you!) Rest assured, these ARE brand spankin'
new dvds--not something Joe Bob picked up at the flea market and
trying to re-sell.
These won't last! Get yours today!
Do you have your copy of PROFOUNDLY EROTIC yet? Why not get
a personally autographed copy for you or your special "erotic"
someone? Click here to order now!
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People sometimes ask me, "What's the real Joe Bob like?", and I always refer them to the greatest movie ever filmed at the Van Nuys Elks Club.
I speak, of course, of "Wretched," the 2007 eating-disorder classic which garnered Best Acting kudos at the South Africa Horror Film Festival for myself and Jaime Andrews, who plays my bitch wife who JUST WON'T LISTEN, and who also stars opposite the GEICO lizard in this commercial.
When I look back on my acting career, all 27 minutes of it, I realize that playing Eric pretty much summed up the yin and yang of my existence. Special thanks to producer /co-director/ screenwriter Heidi Martinuzzi over at Pretty Scary.
The full-length Director's Cut grossout version of Wretched is available for purchase on the Viscera 2007 DVD.
Joe Bob says check it out.
October 19, 2009
Redneck Movie Making 101
Grapevine, TX (JBB) -- It's been a long time since the heyday of the redneck movie, the swamp movie, the hillbilly movie, the cornpone southern action comedy.
Peter Graves in "Poor White Trash" is probably the apotheosis of the genre, with Herschell Gordon Lewis's "Year of the Yahoo!" being the bottom of the low-budget pickle barrel and the immortal "Smokey and the Bandit" being the mainstream blockbuster version.
To have all the elements of a redneck movie, you need:
1. Rednecks, preferably beer-guzzling, racist and violent ones.
2. Backwoods babes in short shorts and halter tops.
3. Tattooed bikers.
4. Moonshiners in muscle cars.
5. Revenge.
6. Bathroom humor, preferably outhouse humor.
7. At least one bar fight, preferably with broken beer bottles.
8. An old grizzled coot.
9. At least one high-speed "Dukes of Hazzard"-style motor vehicle chase involving river-jumping.
10. Implied incest, bestiality or gene-pool confusion.
Now go out and make your own 21st century redneck masterpiece.
I command thee.
October 12, 2009
Addicted? Heck no! I’ll take three.
Grapevine, TX (JBB) -- It's a horrible thing to behold when someone you know keels over on the sidewalk, grabs his stomach and screams out, "Rehab me! Rehab me!"
Unfortunately, we live today in an addictive society where these scenes are all too common. But I'm here to educate you. You can save your friends from suddenly flopping around on their stomachs like headless gators, frothing at the mouth and screaming out Judas Priest lyrics. You can be ALERT to the telltale Signs of Addiction.
Have you or a loved one done any of the following things?
Numero uno: Your teenage daughter hasn't eaten solid food in three weeks, and she hasn't slept in six. She insists she's "just dieting and studying for a midterm."
Numero two-o: Every time you pass a bar, your co-worker wants to stop in because "I love peanuts in a plastic bowl."
Numero three-o: Six guys come up to you after church and say, "Will you be bringing your wife to any more parties?"
Numero four-o: Your best friend asks you to loan him $74,000-- "just till next Monday."
Numero five-o: When you take your secretary to Denny's, her only decision is whether to order the left side or the right side of the menu. Later, she orders the Nacho Plate "for the road."
Numero six-o: Someone you dated three months ago calls to ask, "Did I leave my car over there?"
Numero seven-o: When the cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?," you answer, "You pulled me over?"
Numero eight-o: When the cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?," you answer, "Does this count on the final?"
If you answered yes to any of those questions I just asked, stop doing those nasty things.
And tell your friends to stop.
Just say no.
Check yourself in somewhere.
Track down that wagon and get on it.
Don't make me tell you this again.
October 9, 2009
I want my 5 minutes back you farking Mo-Mo
Grapevine, TX (JBB) -- Have you ever heard this one:
"Best movie I ever saw in my life! It's about this guy, and he goes to this place, and then a bunch of funny things happen to him, and then he escapes, but he doesn't really escape, and then this really goofy old friend of his that he hasn't seen in 30 years shows up . . ."
Why do people do this to me?
Why do people tell the plots of movies in such a way that, after five minutes, you're staring helplessly into your Cafe Olay, wondering why the white scum on the top of it is a different color than the white scum on top of HIS Cafe Olay.
"They had these really cool effects."
Yeah? Like WHAT!
"I can't describe it. They were just REALLY COOL."
Well, if you can't describe it, then WHY THE HECK DID YOU BRING IT UP?
Or how about this one?
"And then you find out that the psycho killer . . . is DENNIS HOPPER!"
Yuk yuk yuk. And you're going along with this, and then it occurs to you that, well, yeah, isn't Dennis Hopper ALWAYS the psycho killer?
"Well, yeah, but I mean, he was the psycho killer in THIS movie, too."
Then there's the Nerd Continuity-Expert Version of the plot:
"Then they go to this warehouse that looks kinda like the ones they used in 'Mannix,' but it has a giant blue gloppity-glopita machine right in the middle of it, and as soon as they get there, a bald-headed henchman of a Middle Eastern drug lord jumps off a catwalk and flies, like three stories through the air, and he has his legs scissor-kicking all the way down, and then just as he hits, Gary Busey is coming around the side of this oil drum . . ."
And you realize that the guy has just taken five minutes to describe FIVE SECONDS OF SCREEN TIME!
If you listen to one of these guys tell the whole movie -- and, believe me, they WILL tell the whole movie -- you're gonna be collecting a pension before you ever get out of the restaurant.
Listen up, people. A good movie requires ONE -- let me repeat, please -- ONE sentence of description.
"Tom Hanks is a gay lawyer who gets AIDS, and the law firm fires him, and so he has to talk Denzel Washington into suing his own law firm."
"Judy Garland is a Kansas farm girl who gets zonked into a fantasyland by a tornado, and she has to find her way back home with these weird singing and dancing character actors dressed up like stuffed toys."
"Jeff Bridges is a daredevil on the Boston Bomb Squad who doesn't tell anybody that he used to be a soldier in Belfast -- until his old IRA enemy Tommy Lee Jones busts out of prison and starts blowing up all Jeff's friends."
3. Tattooed bikers.
8. An old grizzled coot.
Numero two-o: Every time you pass a bar, your co-worker wants to stop in because "I love peanuts in a plastic bowl."
If you answered yes to any of those questions I just asked, stop doing those nasty things. 
