"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for week of 1/23/02: "Rod Steele:
0014"
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
There have been umpteen jillion parodies of James Bond, the
most famous of which are the "Matt Helm" movies starring Dean
Martin in the sixties. (Of course, some would say that one of the
official Bonds, "Casino Royale," is itself a parody of the whole
series.) I can't say I've watched every single one of em, but the
funniest for my pesos is "Rod Steele: 0014," which is one of
those strange little sleepers that turned up on late night cable
and is now being officially released five years later.
In fact, this is part of the "Click" series, which may be
the most obscure film genre in the history of the medium.
Producer Alain Siritzky made SIX--count 'em--SIX movies featuring
an electronic gizmo that looks like a combination of a big-
screen-TV remote control and an especially complicated cell
phone, and when you point and press, everybody in the cast takes
their clothes off and has sex. (Readers of this column will
recognize "The Ultimate Attraction," reviewed two months ago, as
another in the series.)
Yes, I said six.
I don't know what number this one is, but at some point they
decided to carry the whole Click Concept into the world of
international secret agents. The writer/director, Rolfe Kanefsky,
is best known in the B movie world for "There's Nothing Out
There," a parody of horror movies done five full years before
"Scream" that's become something of a cult favorite. But he
outdid himself with this script, which had me on the ceiling.
(Any movie can put me on the floor.)
When Rod Steele reports for duty, cutbacks have affected the
secret service so drastically that he's compelled to meet "P"
("O" is not available) in a parking lot, where he's given an
array of budget-conscious gizmos like tennis shoes ("to comfort
your feet in the event you have to run"), a pen that shoots--ink,
a toothbrush, an alarm clock ("so that you won't oversleep"),
and, of course, a boxy remote control that fires paralyzer darts.
What makes it funny is Robert Donovan, as Rod Steele, Secret
Agent 0014, and his dead-on Roger Moore impersonation. William
Knight is also hysterical with his stuffy officious English-
butleresque "P." And as Steele says on departing, "There's
nothing better than having a good P." (Kanefsky never lets a pun
go unexploited.)
The very funny title sequence has a breathy female Shirley
Bassey type singing Rod's theme song ("Protect your giraffe . . .
from Rod Steele") while sixties-style silhouette dancers cavort
across the screen, Steele does silhouette jumping jacks, and the
parody action montage disintegrates into waving hand puppets.
The rest of the movie flits back and forth between Prague
and Monte Carlo, as Steele and his frequently-disrobed sidekick
"Bell," better known as 0013, try to infiltrate the lair of the
diabolical Tangerina, first seen lounging Nastassia Kinski-style
with an anaconda draped around her nekkid body. Tangerina is
brainwashing hookers all over the world and training them to
collect the sperm of powerful men so she can clone them into her
personal stud army.
This is one of those sex-scene-every-ten-minutes made-for-
cable specials, but unlike the run of the genre, the dialogue is
very funny, and Donovan makes the whole thing work with his
addled constipated send-up of Bond. (Rod Steele never removes his
tuxedo, even in the shower.)
And, by the way, the babes aren't half bad either.
Four dead bodies. Fifty-two breasts. Exploding rubber ducky.
Alarm clock to the noggin. Beefcake bodyguard sex-toy duel.
Multiple aardvarking. Strip Seven-card Stud. Gratuitous Prince of
Denmark sex scene. Deadly calliope music. One orgy. Kung Fu.
Headbutt Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Elizabeth
Danko, for singing the title song "Protect Your Giraffe from Rod
Steele"; William Knight, as the fussy low-budget "P"; Robert
Donovan, as the goofball James Bond sendup, for saying "I'd like
a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, with a touch of lemon and
one green olive on a wooden toothpick, preferably imported from
somewhere in the orient"; Delphine Pacific, as the under-
appreciated Miss Pennyworth, who pours vodka all over her body
and says "Drinks are on me"; Michelle Bauer, as the flouncy
underpaid Czech bordello madam; Sita Thompson, as the curvy
secret agent who screams "I'm pumping answers out of him!";
De'Ann Power, as the cackling villainess with a pet anaconda;
Jacqueline Lovell, as the black-leather hottie sent to capture
Steele; and Rolfe Kanefsky, for doing things the drive-in way.
Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
"Rod Steele: 0014" website: newconcorde.com