"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 4/3/02: "Cheerleader Ninjas"
By JOE BOB BRIGGS
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
There's just something about a kung-fu-fighting cheerleader
ripping the blouse off a Catholic reform-school babe with a
samurai sword that says to me, "You go girl!"
Of course, I speak of the made-in-Denver instant catfighting
classic, "Cheerleader Ninjas," the drive-in answer to "American
Pie," soon to be available in pizza-strewn freshman dorm rooms
everywhere. Angela Brubaker IS the stuck-up lead ninja
cheerleader who sacrifices every principle of the cheerleader
code by agreeing to go down into the dusky computer-nerd dungeon
where guys in Star Trek shirts hook her up to a martial-arts
master so that she can train her fellow bimbos to take revenge on
the plaid-skirted Blessed Virgin Sacrifice Reform School for
Girls hit squad, led by gay cross-dressing cheerleader reject
Stefan.
Sure we've seen it before, but have we seen it with two
dozen fart jokes, excessive use of blow-up party dolls, and
extensive footage of the pom-pom squad rehearsing their most
famous cheer, "You suck! You suck! You really really suck!"
I think not.
This little gem was written and directed by Kevin Campbell,
who somehow talked Kira Reed, of Playboy Channel and "Red Shoe
Diaries" fame, into showing up to film a fantasy sequence. He
also hired Renee Deemer, an actual Miami Dolphins cheerleader, to
play the bimbotic Heather in order to give the flick that perfect
dramatic verisimilitude always needed when you venture into the
cheerleader genre.
Not since "Ski Patrol" have I seen performances like this.
From the opening scene, when Little Billy leers psychotically
while logging on to a homosexual porn website, only to have his
head wrenched into the screen by a slimy green hand as he's
"sucked into a stinking pit of alternate-lifestyle pornographic
depravity," to the closing scene, when the first mincing
transvestite to be admitted to the cheerleading squad of the
Happy Valley High School Hamsters promptly clears the bleachers
by bending over, "Cheerleader Ninjas" is the finest confection of
pop-pom cheesecake since "Cheerleader Camp," with an average of
three smirks, two leers, and nine filthy double-entendres per
minute. If Benny Hill were alive, he would WEEP to see what the
young indie filmmakers of today can do with a camera and a few
random bra-and-panty outfits. It feels just so . . . so . . . so
EIGHTIES. And, believe me, that's a GOOD thing.
But I know what you're thinking. Sure the girls can high-
kick, strip, jump, use nunchucks, and engage in the cruder forms
of catfighting kung fu, but DO THEY GET HOSED DOWN?
Of course they do.
It has all the elements. And the dialogue is goldanged
FUNNY. I'm in awe. Best of all: absolutely no plot to get in the
way of the story. A perfect specimen by which all future
cheerleader sex farces MUST be judged.
Let's take a look at those awesome drive-in totals:
Three dead bodies. One dead bear. Eighteen breasts.
Aggressive Internet zombification software. Happy-face underwear.
Slow-motion blouse-ripping. Three catfights, with actual live
cats. (Thank you, Zucker Brothers.) Aggressive corn-dog slurping.
Panty torture. Naughty lesbians with hairbrushes. One pogo-stick
chase. Nerd dancing. Furry-animal mascot attack. Giant robotic
King Kong Godzilla special-effects climax, with sex toys. One
yappy gay attack dog. Gratuitous cheerleader practice, with
splits. Gratuitous reference to "anal leakage." Gratuitous off-
key rendition of "We Are the World." Kung Fu. Porn Fu. Flatulence
Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Crystal Mikel, as the
head Catholic busybody dedicating to fighting "Perverts! All over
the world!"; Jarod Brubaker, as the lame nerdboy who says
"Anglea! You're my sugar! My honey honey!"; Alissa Shanley, as
the bazooka-toting leader of the Catholic reform school girls who
says "We're gonna cut off your pretty little heads and go
bowling!"; Jeff Nicholson, as the swishy cheerleader reject who
teaches "Cheerleader Hatred Appreciation" and engages in hard-to-
sell flashback sequences, for saying "Dismember them, my
minions!"; Kira Reed as the impossibly endowed fantasy babe, for
having no reason to be in the movie but doing it well; Jonathan
Michael Cook, as the strangely articulate computer geek Todd, for
saying "My nerdism is recessive, allowing me to be cuter than a
straight Tom Cruise and run the school newspaper as well as my
own multi-million-dollar software company--AND I'm only a
junior"; Sunny Graves, as the foreign exchange student from
Kentucky, who clobbers all four reform-school girls with a long
stick, then says "Nobody misses with my friends, even as
brainless and shallow and slutty as they may be!"; Renee Deemer,
as the gray-matter-challenged Heather, for saying "Time out! What
matters is that we're popular and they're not!"; and Kevin
Campbell, for doing things the drive-in way.
Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out twice.
"Cheerleader Ninjas" website: http://cheerleaderninjas.com