Joe Bob's Drive In Review
by Joe Bob Briggs
July 13, 1997
"1997 Hubbie Award Winners"
I'm so sick of being badgered by the international press every time we get close to the announcement of the Drive-In Academy Award winners. This year's Hubbies created a small riot in downtown Jakarta, for example, because of the
extremely small number of Shannon Tweed nominations compared with past seasons.
The Indonesians apparently didn't realize that they were watching Shannon Tweed movies actually made in the late '80s, but just now released in Asia. Rhett
Beavers is currently taking a Thai Airways flight to the troubled area to clear everything up, and in the meantime we're
rushing out the 1997 results to make sure there are no further flare-ups.
May I have the stack of envelopes, please?
I can see we had record voter turnout this year. We almost broke into the triple digits.
And our first category is ...
BEST ACTOR
The runners-up:
Gordon Currie, "Blood & Donuts," as the ethical vampire with the long, stringy Michael Bolton-lookin' hair.
Anthony Michael Hall, for two performances-"The Death Artist," as the busboy-turned-sculptor-turned-serial-killer who
says, "I know what it's like to be ignored"; and "The Grave," as the evil mortician who says: "What's the last place
anybody would look for a dead body? A grave, right?"
And the winner is...
Morgan Weisser, "Mother," as the troubled boy who finds out his mom burned up his college scholarship acceptance
letter and is trying to kill his girlfriend.
BEST ACTRESS
The runners-up:
Elizabeth Barondes, "Not of This Earth," as the screaming private-duty nurse who feels her mind slowly being taken over
by the Beverly Hills alien she works for.
Nicola Kelly, "Making Waves," as the nekkid New Age angel sent down from heaven by angelic drill sergeant Mickey
Rooney to teach everybody the true meaning of love while helping a manic depressive schizophrenic stop talking to his
invisible stuffed dancing bear, "Oswald," and go back to his gynecology practice.
And the winner is...
Jenna Bodnar, "Huntress: Spirit of the Night," as the she-wolf who runs nekkid through the woods, partying with the
animals, while trying to have a traditional relationship with her cave-dwelling photographer boyfriend and avoiding the
beady-eyed Welsh wolf hunter trying to gun her down.
BREAST ACTRESS
The runners-up:
Elizabeth Berkley, "Showgirls," as the reformed crackhead hooker who goes to Vegas, lap-dances her way to the top,
sleeps with the producer of a casino revue, shoves the star down a flight of stairs and becomes a diva by aardvarking in
the pool, stomping around like a constipated chicken and doing the herky-jerky on stage.
Kimberly Kelley, "Midnight Tease 2," as the perky little girl-next-door who shows up at the topless club where her sister
was murdered in "Midnight Tease Uno," pours Evian all over herself and falls in love in the middle of a lap dance.
Betsy Monroe, for two performances-"Cover Me," as the good-time gal topless dancer who says: "I know! You could be
a shower dancer!"; and "Making Waves," as the blonde nympho with the two enormous talents who says: "Right now I
feel the need for speed. Take me, Tarzan!"
And the winner is...
Lorissa McComas, for two performances _ "Lap Dancing," as a girl from Kansas who can't make it as an actress in Hollywood, so she dons a white vinyl minidress, becomes a topless dancer and perfects her craft while bringing down the
house with her "Set Me Free" production number; and "Piranha," as the skinny-dipping teen-agerwith two enormous talents.
BEST DIALOGUE
The runners-up:
Lana Clarkson, "Vice Girls": "You're obedient, Russo. I like that in a love slave."
David Cronenberg, "Blood & Donuts": "Am I employing retards? I have nothing against retards in general, I justcan't afford to employ them."
Olympia Dukakis, "Mother": "I find your sincerity deplorably nauseating."
Jesse D. Goins, the young hanger-on in "The Death
Artist": "You don't even remember your own poems-that's so...Goethe."
Elizabeth Kaitan, "Petticoat Planet": "I have nothing against men. I think every woman should own one."
Wolf Larson, "Tracks of a Killer":"Women-can't live without
'em, can't kill 'em."
Lorissa McComas, "Lap Dancing": "I need more than just missionary-with-the-lights-off!"
Frank Medrano, as the rotund club owner in "Cover Me": "Ginger's my only other shower dancer and she's
waterlogged."
Kehli O'Byrne, the oversexed camp counselor in "Piranha": "I'm kind of like a promotion. You have to
earn me."
Joseph Pallister, as the frustrated sculptor and weenie love interest in "Broadcast Bombshells": "Yep, that's me, an artist,
living in a town where they think culture is what you find at the bottom of a yogurt cup."
Sofia Shinas, "Hourglass": "Are you ready for my tongue?"
Shadoe Stevens, "The Death Artist": "Life is nothing but
a homeless traveler on the RTD of art."
Mink Stole, "The Death Artist": "Darling, you reek of bohemia."
Julie Strain, "Day of the Warrior": "I worked at Disneyland. I was one of the rides."
David Warner, as the older-than-dirt evil king in
"Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus": "The shroud of agony will rip the answer from your brain!"
Billie Worley, the groveling toady in "Piranha": "They're eating the guests, sir."
And the winner is..
Sten Eirik, wheelchair-bound master criminal in "Electra": "For seven years I've been less than a man, but you're more than
a woman. Only you can restore my lower half and make me more than a man. Come. We'll be the Adam and Eve of a
new superior race, and they'll worship you as their queen."
BEST FEMME FATALE
The runners-up:
Jennifer Rubin, "Saints and Sinners," as the weird, sexy brunette would-be model/actress who hangs out at the health food
restaurant and likes to get nekkid with two guys at a time.
Blair Valk, "Huntress: Spirit of the Night," as the sultry, conniving brunette lesbo who gives the she-wolf knockout drops
to get her hands on the rare Impressionist paintings in her basement.
And the winner is...
Jacqueline Lovell, "Head of the Family," as the oversexed good-time girl who likes to aardvark in the storeroom of
the diner while plotting her gun-toting husband's death.
BEST PSYCHO
The runners-up:
Tom Hoover, "Polymorph," as the demented psycho drug dealer who says, "The problem is that you know what we
look like." (Not a good thing for a drug dealer to say.)
Wolf Larson, "Tracks of a Killer," as a crazed Yuppie who goes psycho in a snowbound cabin during a corporate retreat
and starts hacksawing the steering lines on the snowmobiles and terrorizing his co-workers with a butcher knife.
And the winner is...
Casey Siemaszko, "Black Scorpion," as the crazed doctor in an iron lung who says, "If I can't breathe like everyone else,
then I'm gonna make everyone else breathe like me."
BEST BAD GUY POSSESSING ALL HIS FACULTIES
The runners-up:
Marcus Bagwell, "Day of the Warrior," as the
rassler-turned-white-slaver who dresses up like an Indian, crushes the
heads of his enemies, and says, "Are we on the same page here?"
David Cronenberg, "Blood & Donuts," as the creepy, well-coiffed
cowboy-boot-wearin' meisterkiller.
And the winner is...
Roy Lewis, "When the Bullet Hits the Bone," as the hired killer who gives all his victims an American-history quiz right
before he blows them away, and likes to give involuntary heroin injections.
BEST SLIMEBALL
The runners-up:
A. Martinez, "One Night Stand," as the brooding guy who picks up Ally Sheedy in a bar, makes the Sign of the Quadruple- Gilled Enchilada, then moves all his furniture out of the condo before she wakes up.
Greg Travis, "Showgirls," as the oily director of
publicity at the casino.
And the winner is...
Doug O'Keeffe, "When the Bullet Hits the Bone," as the sleazy, limping drug lord who says, "Lisa, will you be nice to the general?"
THE "WHAT? THEY'RE STILL DOING THAT?" AWARD
The runners-up:
Diane Ladd, "Mother," as the greeting-card shop owner in Rochester who forgets to take her medication and goes off her
rocker when her 19-year-old son decides he likes girls more than he likes her.
Kelly LeBrock, "Tracks of a Killer," as the terrorized hostage who gets tied to the bed, tortured with a butcher knife,
taped to a chair, chased through the snow and has her hand ripped away from the steel door handle it's
frozen to.
Marc Singer, "Beastmaster III: The Eye of
Braxus," still flexing those deltoids and traveling the world with his psychic pets
in search of cheesy costume-jewelry amulets that he needs to invade a desert fortress, rescue his weenie beefcake brother
the king and kill Lord Agon before he turns into an indestructible fire-spitting lizard-headed beast.
Michael York, "Not of This Earth," as the telepathic alien with the sinister silver briefcase and the cool shades who sticks
three-pronged suction needles into the necks of innocent young girls so he can drain their blood,
hollow out their eyes and mummify their bodies.
And the winner is...
Mickey Rooney, "Making Waves," as Gabriel, the cigar-chomping head angel, who says, "We don't mention
the loins and the lust thereof up here."
BEST GROSS-OUT SCENE
The runners-up:
"Blood & Donuts": Live rat-eating.
"Head of the Family": Giant mutant tongue-licking.
"One Night Stand": Plastic-surgery stitch-ripping.
"Polymorph": Close-up razor-blade self-surgery.
"Tracks of a Killer": Hot tongs to the open wound.
"Transgression": Corpse-licking.
And the winner is...
"Mother": Olympia Dukakis rubbing blood on her cheeks and REMOVING HER WIG.
BEST POSTER
The runners-up:
"Caged Heat 3000": "3000 Years! 2000 Women! 1000 Ways to Punish Them!"
"Mother": "She'll love you to death."
And the winner is...
"Blood & Donuts": "There's a place between the living and the dead, and it's open 24 hours."
BEST QUIRKY CHARACTER ACTOR
The runners-up:
Richard Gabai, "Vice Girls," as the nerdy camcorder buff who thinks the story of his life should be a "neurotic thriller."
Shadoe Stevens, "The Death Artist," as the showy street poet in dark shades, so committed to his art that he instantly
forgets everything he says, because "Repetition is death."
And the winner is...
Shelia Traviss, "The Death Artist," as the "patron saint of anger" who works with a monkey puppet, raging across the
stage in her black leotard for her signature piece, "Who Can Make the Monkey Laugh?"
BEST KUNG FU
The runners-up:
Cassandra Leigh, "Caged Heat 3000," as the feisty prisoner of the future, dressed like a customized Edsel in a thong
bikini, who does a little bikini kung fu, nude head-butting, cafeteria-scene food-in-the-face-mashing and
spike-through-the-body lesbo-spearing.
Don "The Dragon" Wilson, "Hard Way Out," as the mild-mannered math teacher who turns out to be a retired CIA killer
who's being pursued by an army of Uzi-wielding
Guidos.
And the winner is...
Jeff Wincott, "When the Bullet Hits the Bone," as a trauma doctor who gets sick of watching drug addicts die in the emergency room, so he trades in his stethoscope for a couple of really cool handguns and takes on the biggest drug cartel
in the world.
BEST SIDEKICK
The runners-up:
Garrett Morris, "Black Scorpion," as the jive-talkin' stolen-car specialist who saves the day with his custom military
computer car.
Tony Todd, "Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus," as the tight-lipped black Tonto in a loincloth.
And the winner is...
Justin Louis, "Blood & Donuts," as the eccentric, dog-loving cabbie who says, "What's, like, your take on heaven?"
MOST DEAD BODIES
"Hard Way Out": 28
MOST BREASTS
"Showgirls": 170
BEST DIRECTOR
The runners-up:
Frank Laloggia, "Mother."
Mark Manos, "Huntress: Spirit of the Night."
And the winner is...
Holly Dale, "Blood & Donuts."
And, finally, the category we've all been waiting for ...
BEST FLICK
The runners-up:
"Blood & Donuts," the story of a sensitive vampire who comes back home after 25 years in the ozone, only to find that his beautician girlfriend has gotten all middle-aged and whiny on him, but the gal down at the
all-night donut shop looksMIGHTY FINE.
"Head of the Family," the story of a redneck
restaurateur who blackmails a family of mutant freaks into kidnapping the
husband of the woman he loves and throwing him into a dungeon where he's turned into a brain-damaged zombie and
used for experiments by a grotesque weirdo who has a head the size of a water buffalo and likes to motor around in his
electric wheelchair while using mind-control brain waves to commit crimes through his retarded brothers and sisters.
And the winner is ...
"Mother," the Psycho-Hag Jamboree starring control-freak mother Diane Ladd and creepy neighbor Olympia Dukakis as
deranged nutzoids dueling over a 19-year-old boy.
© 1997 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved