I don't know WHY exactly, but I know you can take the straightest, white-bread suburban nerd out of an acting class and say, "Hey, how would you like to play a crack-addicted serial killer?" and the guy goes, "Where do I sign up?"

I got to thinkin' about this because this gal I know named Debbie Rochon just got a starring role in "Broadcast Bombshells," which is basically people aardvarking all over a TV station for two hours while getting ready for the big charity telethon.

In other words, no plot to get in the way of the story. And Debbie, who in real life is one of those soft-spoken lover-of-kittens types, plays an oversexed dominatrix in black leather who likes to torture the sports reporter with a whip and have monster sex in the control booth with the engineer.

Of course, I've already worn out the "Pause" button on my VCR. Debbie, honey, I had NO IDEA.

My kinda gal.

Anyhow, what we've got here is the latest from Private Screenings, which is a bunch of guys in Toronto who make ultralow-budget sex comedies for those channels at the Motel 6 that you watch at 2 a.m. and then deny any knowledge of the next morning.

They're the same guys who do the Marilyn Chambers movies, which, as you know, are the closet thing we have today to medieval torture.

The luscious Amy Lynn Baxter, the Howard Stern girl with the major legs, is the new weather girl and street reporter and producer and telethon hostess (actually, it's not too clear just WHAT Amy Lynn is) and she's obsessed with finding out who's going around town planting soap bombs in the fountain at the mall.

Debbie is the nasty associate producer who wants Amy Lynn's job. And Elizabeth Heyman is ... well ... Elizabeth has the two most enormous talents in this reporter's memory, and she basically hangs around the station and rips off her clothes on cue.

In other words, it doesn't make a lick of sense. I loved it.

No dead bodies. Thirty-four breasts. Mouthwash torture. Multiple aardvarking. Exploding TV station. Gratuitous dominatrix montage, featuring the song "Kitten with a Whip" by the immortal Joey Mennonna.

Gratuitous aerobic dancing.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for...

• John Richardson, as the sports guy who likes S&M in the back room right before he goes on.

   

• Debbie Rochon, who uses that whip like she MEANS IT and says, "Honey, for you it's free."

   

• Scott Baker, as the sleazy, positive-thinking guru.

   

• Joseph Pallister, as the frustrated sculptor and weenie love interest, for saying. "Yep, that's me, an artist, living in a town where they think culture is what you find at the bottom of a yogurt cup."

Three stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.