Joe Bob's Drive In Review
by Joe Bob Briggs
July 14, 1996

"1996 Hubbie Awards"

Once again, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into a crisis situation, so I am announcing the winners of the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one week early.
The late announcement this year was believed to be hampering peace efforts in both Bosnia and the Golan Heights, as otherwise cooperative parties became GRUMPY while awaiting word from Grapevine.
Henceforth, without further adieu, anonce and anon, to wit... our first category is...

BEST AIRHEAD SEX FLICK
And the winner is...

"Turnaround," an erotic jungle-sex comedy about an unemployed actress who daydreams about drinking hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and then having wild sex like they do in paperback novels.
She gets her chance when she's chased by masked gunmen to the Costa Rican valley of the white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.

BEST HORROR FLICK
And the winner is...

"Last Gasp," the story of a ruthless developer who kills a Toltec chieftain in Mexico and ends up as a heart-chomping vampire who likes to paint his face black and run nekkid through his Pennsylvania mansion, slicing the Achilles tendons of hapless small-town burghers so he can then finish them off with a wicked sacrificial knife.

BEST ACTION FLICK
And the winner is...

"Dead Boyz Cant Fly," the sensitive story of a mama-hating transvestite, a rapist who teaches yo-yo tricks to little boys and a dimwitted, vaguely ethnic hood who team up to terrorize an office building on Memorial Day weekend by blasting their way through the offices of a lawyer, a doctor, a dentist and - most hated of all - the guy who runs the EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.

BEST DIRECTOR
The runners-up are...

Kim Henkel, "Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Jack Perez, "America's Deadliest Home Video."

Fred Olen Ray, "Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold."

Anthony Waller, "Mute Witness."

Howard Winters, "Dead Boyz Cant Fly."

George Saunders, "Intimate Deception" and "Street Angels."

BEST EROTIC THRILLER
And the winner is...

"Intimate Deception," the story of a scruffy, frustrated painter who keeps having these nightmares about the young burglar he blew away three months ago, then rents out a room in his beach house to an oversexed bombshell who teaches him the real meaning of Aardvarkus Suburbicus.

BEST SCI-FI FLICK
And the winner is...

"Cyberstalker": "Basic Instinct" meets "Tron" in Newt Gingrich's worst nightmare, the story of a nerdy, geeky cybersurfing femme fatale who loves her computer so much that she has sex with it and becomes half-woman, half-computer, then goes around town killing whomever doesn't have the proper respect for really cool software.

BEST KUNG FU FLICK
And the winner is...

"Jungleground," futuristic kung-fu damsel-in-distress epic starring Roddy Piper as a cop who journeys into an urban "no-man's-land" and is captured by roller-blading punk religious leaders with automatic weapons who decide to use him as a human guinea pig in the run-real-fast-and-we-might-not-kill-you game.

BEST ACTOR
The runners-up are...

Danny Bonaduce, "America's Deadliest Home Video," as the video nerd who falls in love with the gun moll on a cross-country killing spree.

Robert Davi, "The Dangerous," as a motorcycle-riding lone wolf who speaks Japanese and understands the emotions of killer ninjas, so the police chief brings him out of retirement and turns him loose with several assault weapons in a cemetery full of drug goons.

George Saunders, "Intimate Deception," as the haunted artist surrounded by nekkid women who can't understand why he gets so much sex in one movie; and "Street Angels," as the wisecracking cop who makes long speeches about the fighting abilities of fish.

BEST SLEAZEBALL
And the winner is...

George Segal, "Deep Down," as Tanya Roberts' numbskull violent alcoholic hubbie with an automatic machine-gun collection, who blows a guy away because he chews with his mouth full.

BEST ACTRESS
The runners-up are...

Debbie Rochon, "Abducted II: The Reunion," as the junk-food- eating redhead who describes her old boyfriend by saying, "I like animals," for excellent screaming and for the big emotional scene where she says, "You make this sound like some kind of a game!"

Kathy Shower, "Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse," as the neglected wife packing up all her stuff, putting the kids in the station wagon and getting away from the lying no-good scumball she's married to.

Steen, "Turnaround," as the oversexed blonde who daydreams about traveling to Costa Rica, drinking some weird jungle drugs and making love to a nekkid Indian while he finger-paints all over her body - but settles for hot sex with goofball con man Fred Lehne.

BREAST ACTRESS
The runners-up are...

Paula Barbieri, "The Dangerous," as the mysterious girlfriend who wears a micromini and high heels throughout the flick, including the scenes where she's being chased by mobsters with automatic weapons.

Lissa Boyle, "Friend of the Family," as the hot-to-trot daughter known at the high school as a United Way Agency; and "Intimate Deception," as the knockout nude model who loves her work, saying, "I look at myself as an essential ingredient in the art of creation."

Theresa Morris, "Private Lessons: Another Story," the hot little party girl who just keeps dancing out onto the roof of the trendy South Beach disco, where then she strips and does the Horizontal Hustle in front of a neon sign.

J.J. North, "Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold," in the title role, for saying, "Help me, I'm huge!" and, "I'm a big girl - I can take care of myself."

Patti Davis, "Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis," wherein she reveals her weakness for "guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that end up being your downfall" - a preference that is somehow related to her memories of bodysurfing with her father as a child.

"Water has always been a very healing thing for me," she says, right before a hunk walks out of the surf and starts kissing every inch of her hula-skirted bod.

This is right before the sci-fi fantasy where she dresses like a hooker, dials up the perfect man AND the perfect woman on her computer, then waits for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed and basically make her into a sandwich.

BEST FEMME FATALE
And the winner is...

Shauna O'Brien, "Friend of the Family," as the walking Goodwill Box who rings the doorbell one day, introduces herself to the stepmom as an old friend of a friend and ends up installed in the guest house, where she has sex with everyone in the family.

BEST BITCH
And the winner is...

Mollena Williams, "America's Deadliest Home Video," as the charming, shotgun-wielding triggerwoman who says, "I'm going to watch you die like a pig."

MOST BREASTS
And the winner is...

"Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis": 90.

BEST GEEK ACTING
And the winner is...

James Gale, "Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre," as the mysterious body-piercing enthusiast who says, "I want these people to know the meaning of horror - is that clear?"

BEST KUNG FU
And the winner is...

Jeff Speakman, as the morose SWAT-team instructor who says, "It's never gonna be over for me" while setting out in a rubber pontoon boat to fight 200 Death Row inmates.

BEST MONSTER
And the winner is...

Tony Todd, "Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh," as the demonic Hook Man, who says, "I am the writing on the wall, the whisper in the classroom" and, "Swallow your horror and let it nourish you - come with me and sing the song of misery - share my world!"

BEST SERIAL KILLER
And the winner is...

Brad Friedman, "Dead Boyz Cant Fly," as the murdering transvestite who gulps several quarts of pills, engages in a fight to the death with a Vietnam-vet-turned-janitor, gets his throat slit ear to ear, but FINISHES THE MOVIE.

THE YOU'VE-MADE-TOO-MANY-B-MOVIES AWARD
And the winner is... Adrienne Barbeau, "Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats," as "The Queen of Vermin, the Pied Piper's Twisted Sister," who says, "Let us affirm this truth - we are all vermin in the ratholes of the universe."

BEST OVERALL ACHIEVEMENT IN GRATUITOUS DEATH
And the winner is...

"Dead Boyz Cant Fly": Mannequin bashing. Death by yo-yo. Nonelective tooth extraction.

Dental drilling. The old head-in-the-filing-cabinet torture. Disinfectant in the eyes. Corpse mutilation. CPR with a frayed electrical cord.

Bullet through the forehead. Do-it-yourself tourniquet. Throat-slicing. Hanging. Thirteen-story swan dive onto the pavement.

BEST DIALOGUE
The runners-up are...

Paula Barbieri, "The Dangerous": "We can just go! We can just get out of here! We can go anywhere! We can be anybody! We can do anything we want to! The world's our oyster! Just you and me!"

Michelle Bauer, "Hellroller": "I do it with men, not apes! Why don't you get yourself a rubber doll?"

Andrew Dice Clay, "No Contest": "I don't understand. I kill several innocent people, threaten to blow up a building and the police still don't take me seriously."

Rick Gianasi, "Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D.": "I was depressed, I was confused and I was turning Japanese."

Michael McGaharn, "Blondes Have More Guns": "We were heating up like two poodles in a microwave."

Joy Palevsky, "Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D.": "How did you feel when you saw rivulets of blood flowing down his beautiful kabuki costume?"

Tammy Parks, "Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold": "Have you looked in the mirror lately? How old are you - THIRTY? Are your breasts getting smaller?"

Andren Scott, "The Hitler Tapes": "Yes, Mr. Mandick. No, I didn't come in for work. See, I was shot in the head recently by a call girl. Yes, I'm feeling much better. I'm fired? OK, thank you very much."

Shannon Tweed, "Nightfire": "Affection is one thing - licking each other in public is another matter."

Kat Walker, "Girlquake": "Deep down we're all retards. You. Me. All of us. Just a bunch of retards. Spazzing out. Waiting for someone to come along who understands."

Karen Zaczkowski, "The Hitler Tapes": "I'm in no mood to have my breasts pawed at."

Denis Adam Zervos, "Romeo: Love Master of the Wild Women's Dorm": "No way am I wearing weird Minoan underwear."

Steen, "Turnaround": "But soon these roots and herbs will live again in me, living to shape my desire, filling my heart, my soul and my mound of Venus."

MOST DEAD BODIES

"To the Limit": 74.

BEST FLICK
The runners-up are...

"Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold," the epic starring J.J. North as the ditzy blonde who takes just a little bit too many breast-enhancement drugs and ends up stomping around Malibu like the Godzilla Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

"Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre," the first decent sequel to the greatest drive-in movie ever made, about two prom- night couples who get lost out on the highway where a creepy redneck named W.E. roams around in a satanic wrecker, collecting bodies and quoting literature and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.

"America's Deadliest Home Video," the finest movie ever made in Racine, Wis., starring Danny Bonaduce as a nerdy husband in love with his camcorder who ends up running from the law with three convenience store specialists who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.
"Spinal Tap" meets "Natural Born Killers." Once again, we had no overlap with the OTHER awards using the word "Academy" in the title (copyright suit pending).

© 1996 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved

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