"Joe Bob's Drive-In" for 3/3/96
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By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
It's Ladies Week in the ongoing announcement of the 1996 Drive-In Academy Award nominees, and somewhere in this column you will find our favorite Hubbie category (as if I have to tell you what THAT one is).
Get out your pencils, and gimme the goldurn envelope.
BEST ACTRESS
Maria Ford, "Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats," as the reluctant Amazon who's tortured by French perverts and spends the whole movie in 19th century peasant lingerie.
Torri Higginson, "Jungleground," as the artistic girlfriend who turns into a great screamer when Killer Twins come to do away with her in her groovy loft apartment.
Debbie Rochon, "Abducted II: The Reunion," as the junk-food-eating redhead who describes her old boyfriend by saying "I like animals," for excellent screaming, and for the big emotional scene where she says "You make this sound like some kind of a game!"
Kathy Shower, "Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse," as the neglected wife, packing up all her stuff, putting the kids in the station wagon, and getting away from the lying no-good scumball she's married to.
Steen, "Turnaround," as the oversexed blonde who daydreams about travelling to Costa Rica, drinking some weird jungle drugs, and making love to a nekkid Indian while he fingerpaints all over her body--but settles for hot sex with goofball con man Fred Lehne.
BREAST ACTRESS
Paula Barbieri, "The Dangerous," the mysterious girlfriend who wears a micro-mini and high heels throughout the flick, including the scenes where she's being chased by mobsters with automatic weapons.
Lissa Boyle, "Friend of the Family," as the hot-to-trot daughter known at the high school as a United Way Agency; and "Intimate Deception," as the knockout nude model who loves her work, saying "I look at myself as an essential ingredient in the art of creation."
Mimi Craven, "Last Gasp," as the beautiful bubble-headed realtor who falls in love with a Toltec vampire.
Patti Davis, "Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis," wherein she reveals her weakness for "guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that end up being your downfall"--a preference that is somehow related to her memories of body-surfing with her father as a child. "Water has always been a very healing thing for me," she says, right before a hunk walks out of the surf and starts kissing every inch of her hula-skirted bod. This right before the sci-fi fantasy where she dresses like a hooker, dials up the perfect man AND the perfect woman on her computer, then waits for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed, and basically make her into a sandwich.
Tamela Glenn, "Space Freaks from the Planet Mutoid," as the frizzy-haired outer-space sex goddess girl in a punk wedding dress.
Melissa Anne Moore, "Compelling Evidence," as the bosomy hot-tubbing love toy, willing to get nekkid at the drop of a towel.
Theresa Morris, "Private Lessons: Another Story," the hot little party girl who just keeps dancing out onto the roof of the trendy South Beach disco and then strips and does the Horizontal Hustle in front of a neon sign.
J.J. North, "Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold," in the title role, for saying "Help me, I'm huge!" and "I'm a big girl--I can take care of myself."
Anna Nicole Smith, "To the Limit," as the secret-agent lover who takes so many showers, they have to letterbox the scenes, and keeps changing her hair color in the middle of the movie.
Shannon Whirry, "Private Obsession," as the supermodel who spends the whole movie sitting on a bed in her underwear, screaming stuff like "Let me out of here!" and "I'd like something to eat!" and "This is weird! I need some space!"
BEST FEMME FATALE
Nicole Gian, "Intimate Deception," as the wily but sexually frustrated wife who likes to lurk in the neighbor's bushes.
Gloria Lusiak, "Blondes Have More Guns," as husband-killer Montana Bever-Schotz, the woman who likes to get nekkid and sex men to death while drilling them with a plug-in chainsaw, until she gets auctioned off, Demi Moore-style, for $68.52.
Shauna O'Brien, "Friend of the Family," as the walking Goodwill Box who rings the doorbell one day, introduces herself to the step-mom as an old friend of a friend, and ends up installed in the guest house, where she has sex with everyone in the family.
Tanya Roberts, "Deep Down," who sleeps with every member of the cast while wearing black lace catsuits around the apartment complex and taking nude swims at midnight.
Julie Strain, "Sorceress," as a demon spirit who haunts people while wearing black lingerie and six-inch spiked heels.
BEST BITCH
Sandahl Bergman, "Inner Sanctum II," as the snotty wife who likes to throw playing cards at her husband right before they have sex.
Olga Kabo, "Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats," as the jealous nasty catfighting lesbo who says "We can't trust him! He's a man!"
Tonie Perenski, "Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre," as the oversexed violence-loving girlfriend who thinks there's a remote-control bomb in her head.
Julie Strain, "Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse," as the dominatrix who's so scary she makes grown women cry.
Mollena Williams, "America's Deadliest Home Video," as the charming shotgun-wielding trigger-woman who says "I'm going to watch you die like a pig."
MOST BREASTS
"Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis": 90.
"Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats": 48.
"Caged Hearts": 35.
"Intimate Deception": 33.
"Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse": 33.
"The Dangerous": 32.
"Friend of the Family": 30.
"Sorceress": 27.
"Private Obsession": 26.
"Red Lips": 26.
Send them ballots to P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221, or Fax them to 213-462-5982, or e-mail them to 76702.1435@compuserve.com.
FIND THAT FLICK
This week's head-banger comes from . . .
Pauletta Ridout of Quincy, Massachusetts: "Spring is here, bringing an urgent need to find a classic from my youth. It featured Edward Woodward, a/k/a TV's 'The Equalizer,' and a very randy Britt Eckland, who does a bump 'n' grind that'd make Madonna blush. Poor Ed, a police officer, tries to hold onto his celibacy while investigating the disappearance of a young girl. All the while the inhabitants of this little Scottish isle are teaching their kids about ancient fornication rites in school and setting Ed up as a seasonal sacrifice. It also features Christopher Lee as the island's lordship, who at one point is in drag. In the end, the island folk have themselves a big ol' BBQ with several farm animals and Ed as the featured weenie roast. By the way, the movie takes place in May (they dance the maypole)."
A video will be awarded to the correct answer. In the event of a tie, a drawing will be held. Send "Find That Flick" questions and solutions to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221, or Fax them to 76702.1435@compuserve.com. (E-mail entries must include a postal address.)
WE HAVE A WINNER!
In the November 6 column, Maxine Ardoin of Dallas wrote: "Many years ago, probably in the sixties, there was a TV adventure series, I think entitled 'Soldiers of Fortune.' The two male leads offered their services for hire, a la Paladin. Recently, while watching the Clint Eastwood movie 'The Unforgiven,' I thought I recognized one of these men as either a deputy or friend of cruel sheriff Gene Hackman. Can someone verify the title of the series and identify the two leads? Am I correct that that was one of them in the supporting role in 'The Unforgiven?' Please refresh my memory."
We received 12 correct answers, so our winner was chosen by drawing. And he is . . .
Mark Griffis of Hurst, Texas: "There was indeed a series titled 'Soldiers of Fortune.' It was a syndicated series made in 1955-56, though it could have been around in the sixties. It starred John Russell as two-fisted Tim Kelly, and Chick Chandler as his sidekick Toubo Smith. Russell later went on to star in 'Lawman' (1958-62, ABC). Russell was not in 'Unforgiven,' but he did have supporting roles in two other Eastwood pictures, 'The Outlaw Josey Wales' and 'Pale Rider.'"
Additional information came from our 11 runners-up . . .
Elizabeth Van Nest of Garland, Texas: "Chick Chandler died in 1988, and John Russell, whose last film was in 1989, died in 1991. This makes it highly unlikely that either of them was in 'Unforgiven' (1992)."
Bill W. Dalton of Santa Ana, California: "Maxine has a pretty good memory. The syndicated TV series ran for 52 30-minute episodes in 1955-56. Russell and Chandler starred as two devil-may-care adventurers who were willing to go anywhere and take on anybody for a price. I used to watch this series quite a bit at the time, but I only remember one episode, in which they investigate the possibility of there being a real Loch Ness monster. Russell did appear in other Eastwood movies including 'Honkytonk Man.'"
Guy Rusiski of Pittsburgh: "Revve Studios produced it."
Ed Dravecky of XX: "John Russell can also be seen in as the Marshal in the pilot for 'Alias Smith and Jones,' as SIA Agent Dover in 'It Takes A Thief' from the late sixties, and he was Commander Stone on the Saturday morning kiddie show 'Jason of Star Command' from 1979 to 1981. Chick Chandler had a small part in the pilot of 'It's Always Sunday' in 1956, appeared on 'The Loretta Young Theater' in the late fifties, appeared on 'Navy Log' (a series of dramatizations based on incidents in the lives of men in service of the US Navy‑‑the show also featured appearances from James Cagney, Clint Eastwood, Jerry Paris, Martin Milner, Leonard Nimoy, and many others) in 1956 or 1957, and appeared regularly as Barney Hogan, the father of 1961's 'One Happy Family.' Unhappily, it was on the air a mere eight months. (The show also starred a pre-'Bewitched' Dick Sargent as Dick Cooper, Barney's son-in-law.)
Also answering correctly were Steve Barrett of Tucson, Ariz.; Robert del Valle of Troy, Mich.; Irvin Lush of Louisville, Ky; Tim Murphy of South El Monte, Calif.; Gregory Oliver of Mansfield, Tex.; Wayne Simmons of Mesquite, Tex.; and Clint Williams of Oakland, Mich.
© 1996 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved