1996 Hubbie Award Nominees, Part 1
Here we are again. It's time for the 1996 Drive-In Academy Award
nominees.
I know you're
thrilled.
The coveted Hubbie
will be awarded in early April, and once again there are NO DUPLICATIONS between
the Hubbies and those OTHER Academy Awards that they give out at the Dorothy
Chandler Pavilion. Pretty amazing, isn't it?
Due to the
unprecedented apathy about this year's awards, we'll be announcing the nominees
in installments. (The other reason is that the newspaper editors always BITCH at
me about how long the Hubbies are.)
So, herewith,
henceforth and et cetera, the nominees for the first five categories ...
BEST AIRHEAD SEX FLICK
- "Blondes Have More Guns," a slapstick version of "Basic Instinct,"
"Indecent Proposal," "Body Heat" and "Body of Evidence" that's so goofy it's
like watching "Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy," complete with cheap
puns, huge-breasted women, dinner forks through the eyeball and Sharon Stone
cross-your-legs impersonations.
- "Girlquake," a retro-'60s exploitation flick about Amazon vixens in
loincloths and halter tops who travel from the center of the earth to Coney
Island in search of enlightenment.
- "Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis," in which Ronald Reagan's
41-year-old bundle of joy runs through a tropical jungle in a cavegirl
bikini, leaps off a 40-foot cliff, touches herself while lounging
full-frontal nekkid on the rocks and talks about how small-breasted women
over the age of 40 could be wonderful sex objects if society would just GIVE
'EM A CHANCE.
This is right before her fantasy about being a topless dancer in a
totalitarian state and right after two nekkid bodybuilders put their hands
all over her while a guy chisels a marble sculpture of her bod, opera music
plays and she does a sexy dance with chiffon veils.
Don't even ask about the nekkid kickboxing.
- "Romeo: Love Master of the Wild Women's Dorm," starring
writer/producer/director/editor Denis Adam Zervos as an irresistible hunk of
man meat that every woman at UCLA wants to sleep with, so he's too busy
doing the old Prehistoric Bedspring Hustle with the entire female population
of El Lay to pursue his singing career.
- "Turnaround," an erotic jungle-sex comedy about an unemployed actress
who daydreams about drinking hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians
and then having wild sex like they do in paperback novels.
She gets her chance when she's chased by masked gunmen to the Costa Rican
valley of the white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping,
cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.
BEST HORROR FLICK
- "Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats," the true story of the time Bram
Stoker was riding in a carriage through the woods of France with his daddy
and their driver was attacked by flesh-eating rats and Bram was carried off
by hooded Amazons who like to wear G-strings and halter tops 24 hours a day
as they worship Adrienne Barbeau, the queen of the Rat Women, who can play a
flute and force rats to eat people when she's not leading her all-woman army
on raids to kill sleazy men wherever they find 'em.
- "Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh": The dude with the wicked hook is
cruisin' Bourbon Street again, Captain-Hooking people at Mardi Gras.
- "Inner Sanctum II," a horror flick DISGUISED as an erotic thriller,
starring Tracy Brooks Swope as the whiny wife in a wheelchair who murdered
her slimy husband in "Inner Sanctum One." She's now having nightmares in
which her dead husband, Joseph Bottoms, appears to her as a leering,
macaroni-faced zombie.
- "Last Gasp," the story of a ruthless developer who kills a Toltec
chieftain in Mexico and ends up as a heart-chomping vampire who likes to
paint his face black and run nekkid through his Pennsylvania mansion,
slicing the Achilles tendons of hapless small-town burghers so he can then
finish them off with a wicked sacrificial knife.
- "Stormswept," a stupid-people-trapped-in-a-big-house yarn, starring
Melissa Anne Moore as the beautiful realtor who holds the dirty secret -
anybody who stays in the house overnight will become lustful and depraved
and start playing weird sex games while a psychopathic demon watches from
the basement with a blonde nympho in a spirit trance who makes candles in
her underwear and says things like, "Do you like my legs?"
BEST ACTION FLICK
- "Abducted II: The Reunion," the story of three old girlfriends from a
Swiss boarding school who spend the week camping in Canadian wild-sheep
country, where they are kidnapped by a cockeyed mountain man wearing a goat
head and carted off to his cave, where he whines about his long-lost father.
- "Caged Hearts," the story of two starving actresses who kill a drunk
ex-boyfriend and end up in the Bimbo Big House, where they are beaten,
abused, strip-searched, gang-tackled by lesbos and finally sent to "The
Hotel," which is, of course, the secret mansion where beautiful inmates are
used as prostitutes by the evil male judges and attorneys.
- "The Dangerous": A sensitive brother-sister killer ninja team come to
New Orleans to avenge the death of their sister, who got smothered in wet
cement by a Meskin drug lord who now thinks that the local police are
assassinating his dealers - even though it's the killer ninjas who are doing
it and even though the local police ARE led by a corrupt redneck who hires a
renegade, horseback-riding motorcyclist to come back from the desert and
save his oversexed girlfriend from certain death because she's now working
as a "mule" for Tito the Crazed Drug Baron.
- "Dead Boyz Cant Fly," the sensitive story of a mama-hating transvestite,
a rapist who teaches yo-yo tricks to little boys and a dimwitted, vaguely
ethnic hood who team up to terrorize an office building on Memorial Day
weekend by blasting their way through the offices of a lawyer, a doctor, a
dentist and - most hated of all - the guy who runs the EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.
- "No Contest," starring Andrew Clay, aka the Diceman, as an international
drug dealer who infiltrates the Miss Galaxy Pageant, takes the five
finalists hostage in a hotel penthouse, gruesomely executes several dozen
innocent bystanders and demands $10 million in diamonds or else he'll waste
the beautiful daughter of a weaselly senator.
BEST FLICK
BEST DIRECTOR
- Bill Condon, "Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh."
- Kim Henkel, "Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
- Eb Lottimer, "Twisted Love."
- George Merriweather, "Blondes Have More Guns."
- Dominique Othenin-Girard, "Private Lessons: Another Story."
- Jack Perez, "America's Deadliest Home Video."
- Michael Randall, "Girlquake."
- Fred Olen Ray, "Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold."
- George Saunders, "Intimate Deception" and "Street Angels."
- Mike Sedan, "Married People, Single Sex."
- Jim Van Bebber, "My Sweet Satan."
- Anthony Waller, "Mute Witness."
- Howard Winters, "Dead Boyz Cant Fly."