The coveted Hubbie will be awarded in early April, and once again there are NO DUPLICATIONS between the Hubbies and those OTHER Academy Awards that they give out at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. Pretty amazing, isn't it?

Due to the unprecedented apathy about this year's awards, we'll be announcing the nominees in installments. (The other reason is that the newspaper editors always BITCH at me about how long the Hubbies are.)

So, herewith, henceforth and et cetera, the nominees for the first five categories ...

BEST AIRHEAD SEX FLICK

• "Blondes Have More Guns," a slapstick version of "Basic Instinct," "Indecent Proposal," "Body Heat" and "Body of Evidence" that's so goofy it's like watching "Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy," complete with cheap puns, huge-breasted women, dinner forks through the eyeball and Sharon Stone cross-your-legs impersonations.

   

• "Girlquake," a retro-'60s exploitation flick about Amazon vixens in loincloths and halter tops who travel from the center of the earth to Coney Island in search of enlightenment.

   

• "Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis," in which Ronald Reagan's 41-year-old bundle of joy runs through a tropical jungle in a cavegirl bikini, leaps off a 40-foot cliff, touches herself while lounging full-frontal nekkid on the rocks and talks about how small-breasted women over the age of 40 could be wonderful sex objects if society would just GIVE 'EM A CHANCE.
  This is right before her fantasy about being a topless dancer in a totalitarian state and right after two nekkid bodybuilders put their hands all over her while a guy chisels a marble sculpture of her bod, opera music plays and she does a sexy dance with chiffon veils.
  Don't even ask about the nekkid kickboxing.

   

• "Romeo: Love Master of the Wild Women's Dorm," starring writer/producer/director/editor Denis Adam Zervos as an irresistible hunk of man meat that every woman at UCLA wants to sleep with, so he's too busy doing the old Prehistoric Bedspring Hustle with the entire female population of El Lay to pursue his singing career.

   

• "Turnaround," an erotic jungle-sex comedy about an unemployed actress who daydreams about drinking hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and then having wild sex like they do in paperback novels.
  She gets her chance when she's chased by masked gunmen to the Costa Rican valley of the white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.

BEST HORROR FLICK

• "Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats," the true story of the time Bram Stoker was riding in a carriage through the woods of France with his daddy and their driver was attacked by flesh-eating rats and Bram was carried off by hooded Amazons who like to wear G-strings and halter tops 24 hours a day as they worship Adrienne Barbeau, the queen of the Rat Women, who can play a flute and force rats to eat people when she's not leading her all-woman army on raids to kill sleazy men wherever they find 'em.

   

• "Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh": The dude with the wicked hook is cruisin' Bourbon Street again, Captain-Hooking people at Mardi Gras.

   

• "Inner Sanctum II," a horror flick DISGUISED as an erotic thriller, starring Tracy Brooks Swope as the whiny wife in a wheelchair who murdered her slimy husband in "Inner Sanctum One." She's now having nightmares in which her dead husband, Joseph Bottoms, appears to her as a leering, macaroni-faced zombie.

   

• "Last Gasp," the story of a ruthless developer who kills a Toltec chieftain in Mexico and ends up as a heart-chomping vampire who likes to paint his face black and run nekkid through his Pennsylvania mansion, slicing the Achilles tendons of hapless small-town burghers so he can then finish them off with a wicked sacrificial knife.

   

• "Stormswept," a stupid-people-trapped-in-a-big-house yarn, starring Melissa Anne Moore as the beautiful realtor who holds the dirty secret - anybody who stays in the house overnight will become lustful and depraved and start playing weird sex games while a psychopathic demon watches from the basement with a blonde nympho in a spirit trance who makes candles in her underwear and says things like, "Do you like my legs?"

BEST ACTION FLICK

• "Abducted II: The Reunion," the story of three old girlfriends from a Swiss boarding school who spend the week camping in Canadian wild-sheep country, where they are kidnapped by a cockeyed mountain man wearing a goat head and carted off to his cave, where he whines about his long-lost father.

   

• "Caged Hearts," the story of two starving actresses who kill a drunk ex-boyfriend and end up in the Bimbo Big House, where they are beaten, abused, strip-searched, gang-tackled by lesbos and finally sent to "The Hotel," which is, of course, the secret mansion where beautiful inmates are used as prostitutes by the evil male judges and attorneys.

   

• "The Dangerous": A sensitive brother-sister killer ninja team come to New Orleans to avenge the death of their sister, who got smothered in wet cement by a Meskin drug lord who now thinks that the local police are assassinating his dealers - even though it's the killer ninjas who are doing it and even though the local police ARE led by a corrupt redneck who hires a renegade, horseback-riding motorcyclist to come back from the desert and save his oversexed girlfriend from certain death because she's now working as a "mule" for Tito the Crazed Drug Baron.

   

• "Dead Boyz Cant Fly," the sensitive story of a mama-hating transvestite, a rapist who teaches yo-yo tricks to little boys and a dimwitted, vaguely ethnic hood who team up to terrorize an office building on Memorial Day weekend by blasting their way through the offices of a lawyer, a doctor, a dentist and - most hated of all - the guy who runs the EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.

   

• "No Contest," starring Andrew Clay, aka the Diceman, as an international drug dealer who infiltrates the Miss Galaxy Pageant, takes the five finalists hostage in a hotel penthouse, gruesomely executes several dozen innocent bystanders and demands $10 million in diamonds or else he'll waste the beautiful daughter of a weaselly senator.

BEST FLICK

• "America's Deadliest Home Video," the finest movie ever made in Racine, Wis., starring Danny Bonaduce as a nerdy husband in love with his camcorder who ends up running from the law with three convenience store specialists who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.

  

• "Spinal Tap" meets "Natural Born Killers." - "Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold," the epic starring J.J. North as the ditzy blonde who takes just a little bit too many breast-enhancement drugs and ends up stomping around Malibu like the Godzilla Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

   

• "Mute Witness," the story of a mute special-effects makeup artist who witnesses a snuff film being made and ends up being chased through Moscow by the Mafia, the cops, a goofball American director and his girlfriend.

   

• "Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre," the first decent sequel to the greatest drive-in movie ever made, about two prom-night couples who get lost out on a highway where a creepy redneck named W.E. roams around in a satanic wrecker, collecting bodies and quoting literature and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.

   

• "Twisted Love," a cross between "Misery" and "Boxing Helena" that has the most disgusting elements of both, starring Lisa Dean Ryan as the high school wallflower who picks up the football hunk after a motorcycle accident and straps him into the upstairs bedroom of a house she's taking care of.
  

  Can we say "Kathy Bates"?

BEST DIRECTOR

• Bill Condon, "Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh."

   

• Kim Henkel, "Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

   

• Eb Lottimer, "Twisted Love."

   

• George Merriweather, "Blondes Have More Guns."

   

• Dominique Othenin-Girard, "Private Lessons: Another Story."

   

• Jack Perez, "America's Deadliest Home Video."

   

• Michael Randall, "Girlquake."

   

• Fred Olen Ray, "Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold."

   

• George Saunders, "Intimate Deception" and "Street Angels."

   

• Mike Sedan, "Married People, Single Sex."

   

• Jim Van Bebber, "My Sweet Satan."

   

• Anthony Waller, "Mute Witness."

   

• Howard Winters, "Dead Boyz Cant Fly."