"Joe Bob's Drive-In" for 3/27/95
cutline: It's tough living in Kansas, as revealed in Leif Jonker's low-budget made-in-Wichita zombierama, "Darkness."
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
Remember when people first started talkin about "househusbands," and it was supposed to be this kind of "sensitive guy" deal, where you would stay home with the baby and pick up dirty TV-dinner trays all day long while your wife reports to her job as assistant manager at Wal-Mart?
Back in the seventies and eighties, it was mostly weenies who did this--guys named Brad who wear those sweaters with the little buttons at the bottom and spend a lot of time organizing recycling drives down at the Unitarian Church.
But lately I've noticed a whole heck of a lot of househusbands around, and they're all guys with motorcycles who play guitar and race Jet-Skis.
The feminist movement has come of age. There's so dang many professional women out there that guys come out of high school and say, "I'm just gonna work at McDonald's until I find someone to marry." Or maybe they get a teaching degree so they'll have "something to fall back on." And then they hang around the student union looking for a doctor, lawyer, dentist or stockbroker, preferably one that looks good in a mini-skirt. They figure they'll stick out graduate school, and pretty soon those checks are gonna be ROLLIN IN.
I find this very, very interestin.
At the same time that we have women claiming that they're NOT accepted in the workplace, we have very wealthy businesswomen out there, working 12-hour days, and you ask one of em, "Honey, where'd all your money go?" And she says, "Well, my boyfriend wanted this Harley, and so . . ."
I kinda like this deal.
I didn't notice it till recently, when all these gals in their thirties with a lotta bucks started turning up in the personal ads all the time. That first marriage JUST DIDN'T WORK OUT, and so now they're looking for a TROPHY HUSBAND--some young 22-year-old whipper-snapper that'll pay em a lot of attention and SUPPORT THEIR CAREER.
Guys, I don't know about you, but I say this is a good deal.
Most of these gals don't even want children, or they're pushin forty and so it's a little late to spart spittin out yard monsters, so the whole thing is VERY LOW MAINTENANCE.
They get the degree.
They make the bucks.
They get the ulcers.
We hang out by the pool.
I guess we'd be expected to occasionally GO SHOPPING, too, but I can put up with that.
America is on the brink of a great new age in the history of male-female relationships. The new millennium is dawning, with the battle cry, "Honey baby sweetie-pie, where's that paycheck?"
Speaking of new trends in modern civilization, we have yet ANOTHER homemade zombie movie from the heartland. Leif Jonker, the greatest low-budget exploitation filmmaker in Wichita, Kansas, spent about 40 of his hard-earned bucks on this flick called "Darkness" that has some of the most impressive gross-out special effects since the original "Evil Dead."
Using amateur local actors and what APPEARS to be a 16-millimeter camera (it's one of those hand-held Shaky Cams), Leif has created a saga of one night in the life of teenagers besieged by blood-sucking vampire zombies that do everything zombies have always done, but with one important distinction. You know how you can always run away from George Romero zombies because they move reeeeal slow, and they do that herky-jerky Zombie Stomp?
These zombies can run like the devil. It's pretty scary when you see this army of teenage zombies chasing down a wayward concert-goer, like a pack of hounds after a fox, and then all of em chew up his body at the same time.
Unfortunately, Leif forgot one thing--a story. It starts great and ends great, but it would have been a lot better with an actual script.
Hell, you can't remember EVERYTHING your first time out.
Forty-four dead bodies. No breasts. Multiple exploding heads. Exploding torsos. Exploding necks. Neck ripped open. Bloodsucking. Walking dead. Chainsaw attack. Neck-chewing. Power-drill attack. Stomach-gouging. Two motor vehicle chases. Hand rolls. Arm rolls. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Jake Euker, as the blubbering hysterical guy who runs into a convenience store and says "We've got to leave here! He is coming! It's too late! We're already dead!" right before blowing his own brains out and becoming a zombie himself and saying "Bleeding time, baby!"; Gary Miller, as the teenage vampire hunter named "Tobe" (in tribute to Tobe Hooper, director of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"), for carrying around a plastic bottle of holy water and saying "Not another night--God, not another"; Randall Aviks, as the chief executive officer vampire, for saying "There's nothing to fear--the night takes care of its own, and we are the night--I am the breath of the beast called night--I am darkness"; Steve Brown, as the blood-spurting groaning whiny zombie who leads the zombie pack, for saying "Forgive me, Greg" as he becomes a blood geyser and his head explodes; and Leif Jonker, for the beginnings of a bright drive-in career. (Get your hiney to El Lay, Leif.)
Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
(This is another one you'll never be able to find, because it's so gory that Blockbuster won't carry it. Write to me and I'll give you the ordering info.)
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Republican Alert! The Mason City Drive-In, on Highway 18 in Mason City, Ia., has a "For Sale" sign on it, and the surrounding development is closing in fast. They still use the old-fashioned speakers on a pole, and weekends are triple features all the time. A lot of people hit the Taco Tico on the highway before driving in, though, to avoid the concession stand. Sam Graham of Des Moines reminds us that, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob's world-famous newsletter, "The Joe Bob Report," write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-985-7448. Joe Bob also hangs out on CompuServe: 76702,1435.
Dear Joe Bob,
As the original story and screenplay writers on "Beastmaster II," we'd like to offer a round of thanks for not mentioning us by name in your recent review.
However, we'd also like to point out that a lot of the material you trashed in your critique (i.e., goofy lines, plot holes, convoluted story, etc.) came about when the director and a pair of gag writers made totally unnecessary and detrimental alterations to our original screenplay.
I know! I know. Every writer in Hollywood claims "They ruined my script" at one time or another . . . but it's true! Even in the world of B films, unfortunately.
For those few that care, Lyranna the witch (Sarah Douglas) didn't just DISAPPEAR. A wrap-up scene with her and the heroine's father, Senator Trent, was written, filmed, but inexplicably deleted from release prints. Go figure.
But what do we care! We got paid big bucks and it'll still play The Movie Channel through the year 2000.
Best regards,
Jim Wynorski
R.J. Robertson
Hollywood, Calif.
Dear
Jim and R.J.:
I believe you.
I don't know why, but I believe you.
Dear Joe Bob--
Just a quick note. As I watched "The Honeymoon Killers" for the fourth time last night (I now own my own copy of it), I noticed that one of the killer couple's victims was played by soap opera actress Marilyn Chris (Wanda Wolek on "One Life to Live"). Do you know of any other soap opera actors or actresses (on a fairly recent soap--say at least late sixties, early seventies) who have starred (besides Ruth Warwick) in any old "classic" films of yore?
Something to go hmmmmm about.
Just perversely curious.
Regards,
Terry Woolston
Houston
Dear
Terry:
There have been literally dozens of soap opera actors who have made B movies. In fact, it's usually the only kind of movie they can make. There's hardly a soap opera actor who HASN'T been in an exploitation flick. My favorite is Barbara Crampton, immortal star of "From Beyond," "Re-Animator," "Chopping Mall" and "Kidnapped," even though her regular job is playing Leanna Randolph Newman on "The Young and the Restless."
Dear Joe Bob Briggs:
The entire Bear Committee here at the Bear Castle read with great interest your column regarding the horrible idea of a West Yellowstone "habitat" for junkie bears. Although the species may differ, there is a true ancestral bond between Teddies and Grizzlies, and the Teddy Bears here object most strenuously to such a plan.
Marla Bearwater, who is somewhat of the Committee's mouthpiece (and able to swallow up counterpart Stephanopolus in a single bite if he would ever show up again), dotes on Twinkies and sirloins and such and is surely no loser for it. Bears, she says, are NOT humans, and human food, however, tends to make them more Bearlike in body, to say the least. Bring on those fats and sugars, and the more the merrier.
Anyhow, the Committee would like to endorse your plan and will happily press for it when it gets going. As the delegate for Kodiak Island said, "Please send us more tourists--the last ones were DELICIOUS."
Marla is completely out of her wallet-size photographs, so I include a Bear-a-trois photograph for your scrapbook.
Sincerely yours--and keep up the good work,
Charles F. Woods
for Ted d'Bear, Chairman
The Bear Castle
Nevada City, Calif.
Dear
Charles:
I have NO idea what your letter is
about, where it came from, or why you're supporting me.
You're obviously MY KINDA GUY.
Preciate it.
Dear Joe Bob,
Although I did not travel to the beloved Twin Cities of Bristol Virginia/Tennessee for the holiday, I did venture into an equally god-awful locale, Martin, Tennessee. It seems that my slag Stephanie's mother and father now live and teach at UT-Martin (one of the many chicken-s--- schools in the chicken-s--- UT system). However, no journey is ever a complete waste if you look hard enough for interesting stuff. There are two things you should know about in this area, Joe Bob. One is the amazing white squirrels of Kenton, Tennessee. I don't exactly know what is going on here, but all the tree-squacks in this town are albino. Mendelian genetics and natural selection just do not work this way in a non-Arctic town like Kenton. I mean the place is swarming with these little varmints. The only things this town has got more of than these pink-eyed rodents is little concrete lawn statues of these pink-eyed rodents in every yard. I can't decide if this is a city-wide hoax or not! You're gonna have to see this one for yourself.
The other mind-blowing attraction of the weekend was my visit to the restaurant where they throw rolls at you. No, not to you, but at you. I got hit with one in the back of the head, so I ought to know. The place is called Lambert's Cafe in Miner, Missouri, and they have an autographed poster of Elvis on the wall, which is pretty important due to the fact that this poster was printed long after the King's "death." I think what we got here is the world's first hard evidence that the King still walks the earth. Amen.
Pathologically Yours,
Todd Wyatt, Ph.D.
Nashville, Tenn.
Dear
Todd:
Albino squirrels? Roll-throwing? Actually, I'm just glad to hear there's one place left in America where people do something OTHER than go to the mall.
Dear Joe Bob,
Your review of "CIA: Code Name Alexa" was your best yet! I'm curious if I really prefer the columns most people HATE, or if I just like the safer, more PC columns, because I'm afraid to like the ones that make feminists write you death threats. Does this make me impressionable or indicate low self-esteem? And if so, would you say I am at higher-than-average risk for joining a cult? I'm a guy, and I don't have much hair OR a peasant dress, so maybe there aren't cult positions currently available for me.
And if you want to see a truly awful movie, take a look at "Folks" with Tom Selleck. Did Don Ameche really need the money that badly? I would have started a trust fund, or loaned him a few bucks. Would Tom Selleck have been a good candidate to play David Koresh in the many TV mini-series? I wish that the TV people would use the same star when they make multiple mini-series about the same event. Keeping track of all the different Long Island Lolitas made me nauseous. And where did they find that name . . . Buttafuoco? Is this a joke? Is there a translation for this name? Is it printable?
In all seriousness . . .
I am amazed that most people don't perceive the tongue-in-cheek nature of your writing, nor realize that the rabid mail you print (I'm sure you receive stuff you CAN'T print) is a lot scarier than the stuff you write. Freedom of expression cuts both ways. (I love holding the high moral ground.)
Good luck,
Dave Wright
San Jose, Calif.
Dear
Dave:
Tom Selleck would have made a GREAT David Koresh, but then he also would have made a great Joey Buttafuoco.
© 1995 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved