"Joe Bob's Drive-In" for 2/27/95
cutline: Cynical hunting guide Dan Haggerty and jerk endangered-species poacher Jan Michael Vincent go after the dreaded Canadian Stone Sheep (we're not making this up) in "Abducted II: The Reunion."
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
Okay, I'm gonna describe this woman.
She's got fluffy blonde hair, teased, permed, and coiffed about $300 worth. She's got a straight nose, thin lips and large bedroomy eyes. She wears tiny pearl earrings and a simple pearl necklace that hangs down onto a tanned neck and chest. Her dress is classic--either Ralph Lauren or Calvin or maybe Donna Karan--and it has a jacket that parts JUST THE RIGHT DISTANCE from her breasts. She always wears black pumps. But if you notice anything, you'll notice her fingernails. They're a little too long for her age. Her hands give her away. She's forty.
Okay. I've seen this woman OVER and OVER and OVER again. Every time there's a picture of some savings-and-loan executive entering a courtroom, or some defrocked minister entering a courtroom, or some bond trader entering a courtroom, or some Congressman entering a courtroom--any time some powerful guy is going in to argue why he shouldn't be going to jail, THIS WOMAN is with him. It's the same woman. Always the same woman.
Do they rent out this woman?
Do they trade her back and forth?
Who is she?
She doesn't say anything, but when her eyes flash you can see that she says a LOT in private. She has an iron grip on her man's hand at all times. She looks POWERFUL--much more powerful than the guy we THINK is powerful.
Is she a wife? She doesn't really look like a wife.
But then she doesn't look exactly like a mistress either. A mistress would be more affectionate and playful. This woman looks like she's ready to lead the French Foreign Legion into the Sahara.
What is this woman doing, and why do these men need her?
Am I missing out on something? Do I need to get me one of these women?
Where do you find them? She doesn't look too country-clubby, although she spends a lot of money on her clothing. She doesn't look too country-western clubby, although she has the big hair required for admission. She's not a singles-bar Lipstick Lizard, although she DOES enjoy caking on that makeup.
In fact, if you look closely at her, and you imagine her being, say, 20 years older, you might think she was the guy's MOTHER instead of his wife. She has that no-nonsense Mother Thing going. That Iron Maiden "Bring Me My Purse" Thing.
I wanna know if anybody else has noticed this.
It's spooky.
Where does she come from? Where is she going? Who is she?
And, judging by the look on her face, does she have a weapon?
Speaking of scary makeup jobs, this week's flick, "Abducted II: The Reunion," is the story of what would happen if three old girlfriends from Swiss boarding school decided to spend the week camping in Canadian wild-sheep country. They just might be kidnapped by a cock-eyed mountain man wearing a goat head and carted off to his cave, where he'll decide later which one will become his "wife," if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Fortunately, two of the girls get away through masterful strip-tease dancing, kickboxing, spear-chucking, and loud screaming, and the third girl decides she kinda LIKES the weirdo. She, like, understands his pain. And the stage is set for veteran B-movie actors Dan Haggerty and Jan Michael Vincent to helicopter in for the big crossbow-wielding endangered-species-defending finale involving a subplot about the geek's long-lost father.
It's one of those deals that starts out decent and finishes big, but boy is it slooooooooooooooooow in the middle.
This is the old city-women-in-the-woods story first popularized by the immortal "I Spit on Your Grave." But it doesn't have the real GRIT it needs to be the true female "Deliverance" they were trying for.
Nice shot, though.
Four dead bodies. One dead moose. One dead sheep. Six breasts. Stomach-gouging. One motor vehicle chase. Spear through the shoulder. Deadly knife-flinging. Crossbow to the chest. Cliff-plunging. Gratuitous aardvarking in flashback. Five Kung Fu scenes, two with sharp sticks. Rifle-butt Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Debbie Rochon, as the junk-food-eating redhead who describes her old boyfriend by saying "I like animals," for excellent screaming, and for the big emotional scene where she says "You make this sound like some kind of a game!"; Jody Andrews, as the toothless old lady who says "There's been hunters gone in there, never been seen again"; Donna Jason, as the kung-fu survivalist macho woman, for some excellent somersaulting martial-arts moves, and for saying "You perverted worm!"; Raquel Bianca, as the European Walkman-loving brunette who thinks she might feel better if she can find out her kidnapper's horoscope sign, and for saying "There's nothing wrong with you, Vern, you just need a friend"; Lawrence King, as the pelt-wearing wildman who dances around screaming "You've got nice things! I like nice things!" and telling his three hostages "Choosing a wife is a big thing in a man's life"; Jan Michael Vincent, as the millionaire poacher of endangered species who hunts from a helicopter, for saying "Take a couple of loin steaks for tonight--let the wolves have the rest"; and Dan Hagerty, as the gruff big-game guide, who says "I'm already dead, son--I died when you died."
Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE OF THE HOPELESS
Victory Over Communism! The Capitol Drive-In, on the Capitol Expressway at Monterey Road in San Jose, Calif., is still open 365 days a year with six big screens and state-of-the-art FM stereo sound. Sam Graham of Des Moines, Ia., reminds us that, with eternal vigilance, the drive-in will never die. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob's world-famous newsletter, "The Joe Bob Report," write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-985-7448. Joe Bob even hangs out on CompuServe: 76702,1435.
Dear Joe Bob:
Twice this century I have been forced to endure Texas, once by Uncle Sam in the Fort Hood area, and once by family obligation there in east Fort Worth with you. All I can say about Texas food is that it made Army chow look good. AWOLs were routinely captured by staking out the first McDonald's across the border in any direction.
You worry about genetically engineered food. I am confident that the Texian practice of cremation you call Bar-B-Que, which has successfully transmuted base metal into dross, combined with those camouflaging sauces that you put on everything from ice cream to "grits" (whatever they are), will insure that no Texian will ever taste the difference, even if they graft your governor's genes onto a burro.
Sincerely,
Walter E. Wallis
Palo Alto, Calif.
Dear
Walt:
Obviously you eat at the wrong places.
Next time try cabrito, or el goat-on-a-stick, at Julie's BBQ in Ozona. Be sure to dip it in the lard vat before you take a bite, though.
Joe Bob,
Hope all is well your way. You're wondering where Duarte is. Well, remember when Al Davis received $10,000 just to look at a hole in the city of Irwindale as a possible home for the Raiders? Duarte is the next town over. Duarte is on old Route 66. It used to be the place to take that other woman in your life or to purchase her when you got here. I am sorry to have to admit this to you, but they removed the Big Sky Drive-In to put in a new car dealership.
I was raised here (in Duarte) and stayed put to raise my family. I've seen quite a few changes, and it's still small enough that if you fart crooked the town knows about it. Remember Mickey Thompson getting piecemealed with his wife in the front yard? Yep, Duarte. Sam Shepard, playwright/actor, spent some of his younger years here. Cary Tagawathe, Japanese hood in "American Me," was a neighbor. (He was a far cry from being a hood.)
There is a brief rundown on Duarte. If you're looking at a map, start at the city of Pasadena (home of the Rose Parade). Now start looking east. You'll see towns in this order: (1) Pasadena, (2) Arcadia, (3) Monrovia, (4) Duarte, (5) Azuza, (6) Glendora.
Joe Bob, California (southern) definitely is insulated from the U.S., with the exception of D.C. and downtown New York. It is out of control. California gave Congress that pious son of a bitch who couldn't understand why the fuss over his bounced check. After all, the money was being used for a shrine in his backyard to the Virgin Mary.
Joe Bob, from the letters in your paper, you've got a very diverse following. You influence quite a few people, and I can only hope the number grows. You stimulate people to think, and God knows that's needed in these times of ready, fire, aim. There is so much potential to achieve the positive out in the good ol' U.S. of A. if people would take the time to think.
Take care,
Greg Ward
Duarte, Calif.
Dear
Greg:
Thanks for the cultural history of
Duarte.
You're a lot more optimistic about the country than I am, but then again, I thought we should have blown up about five years ago.
Hey Joe Bob!
Are you really reading this or have you got one of your former wives working for minimum wage opening and answering your mail? Well, all I can hope for is that she's got breasts that live up to that Texas reputation I keep hearing about. Here's two things I can't stand, and that's tampering with Mother Nature by injecting silly putty into one's God-given naturalness, and the other is trimming the shrubs so they look like an Indian mohawk haircut! If you're a real American like me I know all your former wives are just like God and nature intended 'em, and that's NATURAL.
Any hoot, the main reason I'm writing (excuse my blowing off steam, but I know you're the only one who can appreciate the significance of what I'm saying) is to finally send you this clip about your arch-nemesis MADD (clipping attached: "Uproar closes Hub's MADD chapter"). Hey, gotta say goodbye--one page is the limit to my writing ability.
Sincerely,
Bud Walker
Cambridge, Mass.
Dear
Bud:
That thing with the Boston chapter isn't the first time that MADD people have gotten mad at one another, picked up their toys and gone home. It's not a place where they trade a lot of one-liners.
Dear Joe Bob:
I thought you would be interested in hearing the latest instructions Bill Clinton has given the White House staff. He wants "flowers" on his desk every morning at 7:00.
Sincerely,
Patrick B. Walsh
Carson City, Nev.
Dear
Patrick:
I've decided to let up on Bill. It's bad enough when your WIFE won't let you forget something for the rest of your life. Just think what it's like when the OTHER 220 million people know about it, too.
Joe Bob,
If there's anything I can't stand, it's guys who are funnier than me, so knock it off, now!
Here's some rough "ideas"--word plays for nineties idiom lingo.
Politically-Hip 90's Labels
1. NBA: Caucasian Deficient
2. Most of Dallas and Rio Grande Valley: Anglo-Absent or Anglo-Cleansed
3. Homos: Bun-Boys or Butt-Intensive
4. Lesbos: Diesel-Dykes
5. Poor: Trickle-Down-Deprived, Upwardly Immobile, Downwardly Rooted
6. White Guy: Rhythm Impaired (Challenged)
7. Ugly: Aesthetically Delayed
8. Alcoholic: Spiritually Gifted
9. Skid Row Bum: Sartorially Misaligned
10. Fast Food: Expedient Potables
11. Well-Hung: Prodigious Unit
12. Computer Operator/Nut: Data-Droid/Floppy Disc Fixated/Electronically Atuned/Mega Bytes
13. Someone with gas: Flatulently Prodigious, Flatulently Articulate
14. Large Nose: Olfactorily Redundant
15. Rap Music: Acoustically Abusive
16. Homeless: Domicile Deficient, Box Bound, HUD Hopefuls, Grate Jockeys
17. Unemployed: Extended Worker Holiday, Worker Paroled, Factory Fugitive, Ron's Refugees
18. Special Olympics: "Gimp-A-Thon"
19. Gimp: Assymetrically Configured
20. Dentures: Gum-Bys, Gum-Jockeys
21. Stutterers: Word-Intensive, Nature's/Natural Rappers
22. Conservative Right Wing: Morally Amplified
23. Robert Tilton TV Ministries: Omnisciently Astute, Spiritually Vacuous & Shrismatically Specious, God's S & L
24. Politicians: Rhetorically Robust, Sound-Bite Intensive
25. Big-Hair: Morgan Fairchild's Coiffure Challenged, Bow-Headed, Hair Intensive
26. Actors: Hammy/Smarmy, Regis Philbins
27. Yuppies: Quiche-Oriented
28. Big Cars: Propelled Thyroid Vehicles
29. Star Search Rejectee: Talent Deficit Disorder, Yawners, Nouveau-Vaudevillians
David Wallin
Dallas
Dear
David:
That was a very Sarcasm Intensive Epistle.
© 1995 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved