"Joe Bob's Drive-In" for 12/12/94
cutline: Clockwise starting with the Amazon on the left, we have Julie Strain, Mark Barriere, Sam Phillips, Julie K. Smith and Bruce Penhall--lobbyists for the National Rifle Association, as seen in "The Dallas Connection."
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
The Fire Chief of New York City keeps trying to get permission to rip down all the fire-alarm boxes on the street--let people just dial 911 if they see a fire--but nobody wants to let him do it. Everbody thinks the city will burn down or somethin.
But listen to the guy's reasons. NINETY-FIVE PER CENT of all fire alarms out of these call boxes are FALSE ALARMS. Nine Five. Only in New York could we get a statistic like this. A quarter million falsies a year.
So I think all the guy is saying is, "Hey! People! This ain't workin!"
And everbody thinks he's a Mean Ole Man for sayin it.
You notice this lately? Whenever something is obviously NOT WORKING, everbody wants to SAVE IT. You know what I mean? Last year the Postal Service tried to close down a few rural post offices because they were only servin, like, 30 people each. And people got FURIOUS. More than just THOSE 30 people. EVERBODY was furious.
Or when somebody says, "You know what? These kids at the little red 19th-century schoolhouse out on Highway 80 are scoring a lot lower on their tests than the ones at the big shiny new Yuppie high school downtown. Maybe we oughta shut the little school down and truck the kids over to Unimegaplex High." And the parents go NUTS. It's like they're saying, "No! We want em to be stupid! We want em to be picturesque and stupid! It's a Texas tradition!"
You see it a lot with farmers, too. Some ole boy will be losin more and more money every year raisin cattle or plantin soybeans, borrowin more and more money from the bank, wonderin why his tractor keeps gettin repoed. And you say, "Willie, maybe you'd be better off gettin into some NEW crop, like vineyards, or raisin sheep instead of cattle, cause you aren't doin diddly squat with cattle and soybeans."
And the guy will always say, "My daddy raised cattle, and my granddaddy before him, and HIS daddy before him, and so cattle is good enough for me. Soybeans, too."
And so it's the principle of the dang thing. We'll get poor, and get stupid, and burn down our cities, but we'll uphold all the great traditions, won't we?
I love this country.
Speaking of great traditions, the greatest series in the history of Bazookas-and-Bazoomas action flicks is BACK. I have to admit, I was a little worried when legendary ABC sports director Andy Sidaris decided to retire from the business of making James Bond rip-offs starring Playboy Playmates who never went to acting class. After classics like "Malibu Express," "Hard Hunted," and "Do or Die," all featuring big-breasted federal undercover agents blowing up helicopters and jumping in and out of showers, I was a complete skeptic when Andy handed over the director's closeup underwater hot-tub lens to his son, Drew Sidaris, the No. 1 film director based in Shreveport, Louisiana. Drew's first outing, a year ago, was a little shaky. "Enemy Gold" had the babes, it had the bazookas, but it didn't have the old classic Sidaris international espionage plot that never makes sense even after they explain it in the last talkin scene.
But now Drew enters the big leagues, with "The Dallas Connection," starring 1993 Penthouse Pet of the Year Julie Strain as Black Widow, the only villain in film history who has to have sex with anybody she kills. Julie, the six-foot-tall Amazon who makes about 30 movies a year, disguises her real job as an international assassin by posing as the ruthless owner of a country-western topless bar in Dallas. Every once in a while she goes there to interrupt the showers of Playboy model Wendy Hamilton and February 1993 Penthouse Pet Julie K. Smith, who travel around the world blowing up renowned scientists. Meanwhile, June 1993 Penthouse Pet Sam Phillips, a CIA agent who always takes her cellular phone with her when she pumps iron in the nude, doesn't like it one bit. So she joins up with two bodybuilders to protect the last renowned scientist in the world who hasn't been assassinated by a nude centerfold model, and to keep him occupied she spends the day with him, sipping champagne at Louisiana Downs racetrack in Bossier City, Louisiana, while wearing a computer chip around her neck that could possibly be used to power a top-secret satellite that can be used by western governments to find every illegal weapon in the universe, only the scientist she's with is not really what she thinks he is and . . .
I could swear Andy Sidaris wrote this.
Uh, I'm not sure, but there's a whole bunch of stuff blowin up, and is it just me or did these Penthouse models get a lot BIGGER in the nineties, if you know what I mean and I think you do?
You have to see this one to believe it--and then you still won't believe it.
Twelve dead bodies. Twenty-six breasts. Multiple aardvarking. Exploding van, with fireball. Multiple use of dog collars, if you know what I mean. Exploding Chinese golfer. Exploding speedboat, with fireball. Gratuitous Andy Sidaris cameo, as a cop who turns over evidence for no good reason. Gratuitous topless dance rehearsal. Kung Fu. Fistfight Fu. Taser Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Julie Strain, as the agent in the tiniest mini-skirt in the history of the universe, who has wild animal sex with a guy named Jean-Pierre, shoots him in the forehead, then says, "God you were good--but hey, so was I"; Mark Barriere, a former New York Met (!) now playing a dumb but suave professional jet skier and CIA agent, for saying "I'd like to suck the polish off your toes"; Wendy Hamilton, as the ruthless big-breasted federal agent who secretly pours Diet Coke into a Jet Ski gas tank; Sam Phillips, as the blonde hostage who keeps getting knocked out, for dancing on a dining table in lingerie and, in her big emotional scene, saying "I'd rather DIE!"; Julie K. Smith, as the undercover agent who demonstrates her talent in the obligatory Sidaris hot-tub scene; and Bruce Penhall, as the stock-car-racing federal agent who blows up a Chinese kung fu assassin, then says "You should have read your fortune cookie."
Four stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Victory Over Republicanism! The Double Drive-In on Columbus Avenue in Chicago has pigeons living on top of the screen, and its owner, Loews Theaters, uses it on weekends as a flea market, but it's still hanging in there in one of our largest metropolitan areas, and just finished another great season. Walter Szewczyk of Lombard reminds us that, with eternal vigilance, the drive-in will never die. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob's world-famous newsletter, "The Joe Bob Report," write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-985-7448. Joe Bob even hangs out on CompuServe: 76702,1435.
Dear Joe Bob,
I've been meaning to drop you a line ever since the Playboy issue featuring B-MOVIE BIMBOS hit the stands. And though being referred to as a B-MOVIE BIMBO after studying acting for several years pissed me off, and the photo that they used was s---, the only consolation were your kind words in your writing, even though you could have written a paragraph about me instead of two lines, but hell, I'll take what I can get.
I was just given a copy of FEMME FATALES magazine and read your article and was amused at the mention of my name. Again you could have written more. Just remember next time . . . You said I "only do bit parts." That was the part I was amused with, because I haven't done a bit part in a B-movie in years. In your local video store or on cable, you can see me co-starring with Miles O'Keeffe in "Cartel," and I just finished the lead in "Mind-Twister" with Telly Savalas and a future B-movie queen Erica Nann and also Maria Ford. Okay! I cleared that up so you won't make any more mistakes.
P.S. Caught your cable show last week. CUTE HAT!!!
Very sincerely,
Suzanne Slater
West Hollywood, Calif.
Dear
Suzanne:
I would never diminish your enormous talents. Ever since I saw your head explode in "Chopping Mall," I've been crazy about everything you've done.
Dear Joe Bob,
I am a stranger in these parts (just another damn foreigner) and I've been reading your newsletter for a year. I dumped my husband in favor of a lover who promised to take me to the drive-in. (We haven't gone yet. Always takes too long to get out of the bedroom.) I have gotten used to American coffee, and American beer, almost to the point of enjoying it. I can tell football apart from baseball--but some people can still tell I'm different.
What else do I need to do to educate myself so I don't stick out like a sore thumb anymore?
Sincerely,
Elke Sisco
San Jose, Calif.
Dear
Elke:
You're Scandinavian, right? Swedish?
Danish?
Whatever you are, just EXAGGERATE your native accent. Since you live in California, everyone will think you're FAKING a foreign accent to be cool--and they'll accept you immediately as one of them.
Dear Mr. Briggs:
Due to the ever-so-controversial Clarence "The Georgia Cyclone" Thomas hearings, would you consider writing a review of "Long Dong Silver"? I think it would be in everybody's best interest to examine this immediately.
Your fan,
Sean Singer
Cooper City, Fla.
Dear
Sean:
You didn't see my review of "Long Dong Silver" back in 1979? Do we have to make a federal case out of everything before you people will GO TO THE THEATRES?
Dear Joe Bob,
I am a fan without any reservation of the sub-genre of films in which you specialize. I think you do a superior and humorous job in their review and presentation.
It may be time to re-evaluate Linda Blair's pre-eminence. While she still has the most contagious giggle/laugh in the business as well as noticeable attributes, this truly gifted and intelligent young woman is no longer active. Hopefully she is getting roles more mainstream and worthy.
This leaves Shannon Tweed as the fairmost of the fair after minor attempts by Tanya Roberts and the extraordinary Kathy Shower as well as the veritable platoon of Andy Sidaris lovelies. (There was also Rene van-unspellable, but who cared.)
For future watching on the gratuitous action (but never nudity) please follow the quality of Cynthia Rothrock, who combines a little girl voice and frame (thunder thighs, though) with seriously honed skills. She needs a decent film yet to break through.
Thanks for the entertainment.
Respectfully,
Steve Singer
Sacramento, Calif.
Dear
Steve:
My new favorite scream queen is Charlie Spradling, who is multi-talented, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Joe Bob,
Great article on the Klan. It hit the nail on the head exactly on how their recruitment system works, although I believe their numbers are much higher than your figures. Just in California alone there's more than 300, according to our own Justice Department.
Lastly, do you have any interesting tidbits or information or sources on Haitian voodoo, or zombification? I know, off-the-wall subject, but I figured it may be right up your alley. I look forward to hearing from you.
Brad Simpson
San Francisco
Dear
Brad:
Everything I know about voodoo I learned
from "The Serpent and the Rainbow" and that Rita Jenrette classic,
"Zombie Island Massacre."
I'm such a wimp I can't even go in the voodoo STORES in New Orleans. They give me the creeps.
© 1994 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved