"Joe Bob's Drive-In" for 11/14/94
cutline: Ron Pearlman and Frederico Luppi fight over the magical 400-year-old Blood-Sucking Steel Insect Fountain-of-Youth Device in the confusing Mexican horror flick, "Cronos."
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
Why is every election between the Republican Idiot and the Democratic Idiot?
And then, if some third guy shows up, everybody says, "I can't vote for him. He's an IDIOT."
Why is the third guy always an idiot? He's the only one who doesn't have 150 years of history behind him, PROVING he's an idiot.
Why don't we choose our OWN Idiot?
There's always a "third party candidate" on the ballot, right? We've never heard of him. But if you say, "What about this guy--you know, the dude from the Green Liberal Citizenship Party?"--everbody automatically says, "He's an IDIOT."
I think there are good reasons to believe the weirdo is NOT an Idiot. First off, he's the only one who REFUSED to join the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. After all, what exactly do you have to DO to rise up through the ranks of the Republicans or the Democrats?
PASS OUT BUTTONS.
That's how you get in.
Then, when you get real good at that, you get to MAIL OUT BUMPER STICKERS.
And then, if you're a REALLY good party member and you show lots of promise, you get to call people up on the phone and ask em if they'll put up a yard sign.
Why don't we just go down to Home Shopping Network and send all their phone operators to Congress? After all, they've put in more hours at it than Newt Gingrich.
Then, after the election is over, we have to listen to 16,000 hours of What It All Means.
OH MY GOD, THE REPUBLICANS TOOK OVER THE SENATE.
OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY WE NEVER HEARD OF IS GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK.
And all the time we REFUSE to vote for the Wild Card Guy.
I mean, we used to kinda sorta like Ross Perot, but then there HE was this year, making speeches for the Democrat.
Does anybody REALLY believe that there are only TWO points of view in America, and they're summed up totally in the words "Republican" and "Democrat"? Judging by their convention bullstuff speeches, they're both WAY TOO MEDDLESOME to hold public office. All they talk about is changing this, changing that. I haven't heard a politician yet who's started out a speech by saying, "Now HERE'S some stuff we should JUST LEAVE ALONE, EXACTLY LIKE IT IS."
You know what I mean?
Are you following me here?
These parties were created in the LAST century, and we're already headed into the NEXT century.
I'm really surprised I have to explain this stuff.
Speaking of countries that believe in doing politics the old-fashioned way, Mexico is turning out horror flicks again, including "Cronos," one of the finest mechanical-insect blood-sucking vampire family dramas ever made. This is one of those artsy-fartsy dealies where, when somebody walks across a room, the camera follows em ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE DANG ROOM.
Closeup of face.
Big green eyes.
Little girl staring, clutching her doll.
Blood spurting out of a man's hand.
It's kinda like what PBS would do if they decided to use a zombie flick for a pledge drive. The only thing that saves it is some intense gross-out footage when this guy starts turning into an insect-like vampire who's face keeps peeling off while he's sticking his hand inside his stomach to see what it feels like in there.
It's the story of an elderly antiques dealer who accidentally discovers an eternal-youth machine in the form of a golden insect. He takes it home and finds out that every time it clamps onto his body, causing excruciating pain, he gets a lot younger. So he decides to play games with it, showing his little granddaughter how it works. Only an evil businessman and his dimwit hired-killer nephew decide they want the blood-sucking fountain-of-youth insect, too, and pus-filled zaniness ensues.
Seven dead bodies. No breasts. Eye-gouging. Cockroach attack. Hand-ripping. Oozing chest wounds. Blood-licking. Corpse-sewing. Facial-skin-ripping. Neck-stomping. Head-bashing. One motor vehicle crash. Stomach-peeling. Gratuitous tango lessons. Fist Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Frederico Luppi, as the antiques dealer who goes insect on us and leans to love pain; and Stephen Pearlman, as the broken-nose killer who dances on his uncle's dead body and screams "Everything is mine!"
Two and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Victory Over Pessimism! The Grayslake Outdoor Theater in Grayslake, Ill., continues to pack em in despite predictions ten years ago that the Chicago area drive-in was an extinct species. Walter Szewczyk of Lombard reminds us that, with eternal vigilance, the drive-in will never die. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob's world-famous newsletter, "The Joe Bob Report," write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-985-7448. Joe Bob is even on CompuServe: 76702,1435.
Howdy Joe Bob, how y'all doin?
I totally agree with you about there being too many professional busybodies in the workplace. Industrial tyrants from Henry Ford to Ross Perot have used spies on their employees to extract information that is none of their damn business. And they probably wonder why turnover is so high.
Shouldn't you question any gambling advice from a casino employee? Besides, Scarne's blackjack calculations predated the computer runs that revolutionized the game. "Blackjack: A Winner's Handbook" by Jerry Patterson (1990 edition) provides some good advice on money management, mental discipline, and how to spot potential winning and losing tables. It also contains reviews of other books on the market. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to decipher the charts I gave you. Chances are, the only one that applies to you is the multiple-deck strategy, and you can bring it to the table with you when you play. But you may be better off sitting next to Wayne and following his advice.
By the way, I'm now six for six busting dealer when splitting a pair of 4s against the dealer's 5.
Seen on a T-shirt in Phoenix: All stressed up, and no one to choke.
Have fun,
John Rush
Georgetown, Tex.
Dear
John:
I still say you shouldn't split fours.
Call me crazy, call me a man who sleeps in his underwear, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
Dear Joe Bob,
Does Chloris' baby have a middle name? If not, I would like to suggest the "middle" name of that famous French painter Henri Toulouse-Lautrec. If Chloris likes this classy idea, I will look forward to hearing about Bjorn T. Sturtivant.
Sincerely,
Cliff Runkle
Vallejo, Calif.
Dear
Cliff:
I asked Chloris and she said, no, that France is too close to Spain, and she wants it made absolutely clear that Bjorn's father is not ANY of the Gonzalez brothers. She will, however, accept a Finnish, Dutch or Danish middle name.
Dear Joe Bob,
Welcome from Berkeley, California, home of the politically correct bumper sticker. I guess someone around here has invented solar-powered automobiles. I say this because every day on my way to work I see yet another Saab or Mercedes with a "No Offshore Oil Drilling" or "Boycott (insert oil company name here)." I can only infer from their bumper art that they are of course driving a car that would not need offshore oil or gasoline from (insert oil company name). I keep checking for pedals, figuring that maybe it is a human-powered vehicle. However, there is always only a single occupant, and I doubt you could muster the energy to pedal a two-ton car on a diet of granola (organically grown) and tofu (ditto). Maybe they have found a way to harvest all of the hot air emanating from our local politicos and lefty media.
Speaking of hot air, did you see Charles Barkley of the U.S. "Dream Team" being interviewed by Bob Costas? Now there is the kind of guy that the term "Ugly American" was coined for. What a colossal jerk! I'm not saying that I'm naive enough to think everyone we send to the Olympics should be a Boy Scout or that the Olympics has nothing to do with money, but please do we have to suffer through his bullying on the court (needed to intimidate that perennial basketball power, Angola) and his mouth-off at it?
Seeing how he was more worried about his Nike contract (2 million reasons) than any semblance of good sportsmanship, I say leave him at home to take care of his estate and let some deserving college player take the spot. I have an idea. Let's all send our Nikes back to the factory until they dump Barkley as spokesjerk. The stench alone should get their attention that we think the guy is a prime dickweed and doesn't deserve to go anywhere on Olympic time or money.
Oh well, just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm still p.o.ed over wasting six dollars to see "Universal Soldier." This is one time I should have listened to my girlfriend and stayed home and watched reruns of "Fantasy Island."
Bye for now,
Terence Rucker
Berkeley, Calif.
Dear
Terence:
You're a diehard sports fan who supports
the big oil companies living in Berkeley and spending all your time at
Jean-Claude Van Damme movies?
Do you have a will?
To Joe Bob:
Love your straight-talking columns, but sounding "country" DOESN'T mean making mistakes . . . [clipping enclosed: "Dear Jimbo: Obviously, the media can do whatever it wants to."]
"Media" is the plural of "medium." Radio is a communications medium. So is television. Together they are media. Magazines and newspapers are print media. Put them all together and they are called "mass media" or just "the media," but they are plural. So your above sentence should read ". . . the media can do whatever they want to." Got it?
Bob Ruckman
Arlington, Va.
Dear
Bob:
I try to talk the way the PEOPLE talk.
If you'll notice, when people use a word a certain way for a long enough time,
the dictionaries change to fit US, not the other way around.
Here's an example. When I was growing
up, the word "penultimate" meant next-to-last--the one BEFORE the
ultimate one. But so many people used it to mean "the ultimate
ultimate"--or the last one BEYOND the last one--that now it means "super-ultimate"
or something like that.
I don't know why the public makes these
changes, but they do. I just go along with it. And after about 20 years of it,
the dictionary editors go along with it, too.
In general, Americans ALWAYS drop the
plural usages on Latin words. For example, we say "football
stadiums," not "stadia." We say "auditoriums," not
"auditoria." And in a curious way, we've taken "media" and
turned it back into a plural. But when we speak of a "spiritual medium,"
we do not use the plural as "spiritual media," but "mediums."
Anyhow, you see what I mean? I try to talk the way the people talk.
Hi Joe Bob,
You are missing a major point about the hostile reaction to skinny, good-looking people: everyone else is jealous. They're so full of spiteful envy that they engage in discrimination. I had to bulk up to a 30-inch waist just because pants aren't made for men who are any thinner. Even at this size, the selection isn't very wide.
I hear remarks, too. If I'm enjoying the buffet at Furr's or Mr. Gatti's, someone at the table will try to ruin my meal by saying, "Feeding your tapeworm again?" Well, I can be just as rude--my usual response is a loud belch.
Come to think of it, maybe people gain weight because they don't let the gas come out when it wants to leave. Might suppressing a belch or a fart force the gas to metabolize into fat cells? I think this question needs investigating.
Have fun,
John Rush
Austin, Tex.
Dear
John:
I think you're onto something, but I DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT IT.
© 1994 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved