"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 5/20/94
cutline: Adam Baldwin keeps jumping out of Shannon Tweed's closet in "Cold Sweat" and landing on Shannon Tweed.
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
You know how women always talk about guys who Won't Commit?
It's like a social disease. It's WORSE than a social disease. They think of it as an actual mental illness, where something in the guy's personality is so screwed up that he has a missing Commitment Gene.
But why is it ONLY guys who are accused of this? Aren't there an equal number of women who don't want to live together, sleep together, get married, get engaged, or let some guy leave his clothes over at their house? I mean, isn't this NOT COMMITTING, too? Aren't there just as many women who wanna have dates, but don't necessarily wanna marry the guy?
We ARE about thirty years down the feminist road now, and one of the absolute principles of feminism is that SHE can do whatever HE can do, and they both have the same right to REFUSE. Right?
So the guy is just REFUSING. He doesn't want marriage. He doesn't want children. It's not a disease. It's just a guy BEING A GUY.
So whenever I hear some woman say, "Well, I really love Gregory, but he JUST WON'T COMMIT," it makes me think, "What do you want? You want the guy to LIE TO YOU? You want him to say, 'Oh, heck yes, I would LOVE to get a house in the suburbs with you,'" when what he's really thinking is, "If this gal nags me ONE MORE TIME about this, I'm moving to Oshkosh and going bass-fishing the rest of my life"?
In other words, another way of saying the guy Won't Commit is to say, "He's a REALLY HONEST GUY." He refuses to do something he DOESN'T WANNA DO!
Also, why do they use this long Latin word? COMMITMENT. It's a legal term. It's the word they use when they put somebody in jail or FORCE THEM TO GO TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION. No wonder guys go screaming out of the room when you mention it. They don't wanna be COMMITTED.
Of course, the ultimate showdown over Commitment is when the gal says, "Well, if you Can't Commit, then this relationship is over, because I need a man who Can Commit."
At this point, the guy has three options:
1) Take a hike.
2) Lie about it.
3) Actually decide that he LIKES the idea of Being Committed.
Guess which one he NEVER chooses.
The next time you run across a guy who Won't Commit, give him a break, how bout it?
And if he ever decides he Will Commit when he doesn't WANT to Commit . . .
Have him Committed.
Speaking of strange facts in modern civilization, the number one video box-office star in America is . . .
Would you believe Shannon Tweed?
Apparently the former Playmate of the Year is the hottest direct-to-video rental "name" in the business, which would explain why she's able to make 347 erotic thrillers a year and keep getting hired for another one.
What do you think the producers say to her? "Hey, Shannon, we've got a script here that's very different for you. You only get nekkid 12 times. You only kill four people. And instead of playing the wife of a high-powered corrupt attorney, here's the great part. You're the wife of a high-powered corrupt REAL ESTATE INVESTOR! Isn't it great?"
And so another Shannon Tweed erotic thriller hits the shelves. And this week's entry is "Cold Sweat," in which Shannon is the rich wife of a sleazeball businessman, but she's having affairs with the businessman's partner AND his cocaine dealer. But everything goes haywire when the husband hires a hitman to kill either the wife or the partner, and he's one of those SENSITIVE hitmen, played by Ben Cross, whose head is still all screwed up from killing an innocent woman during his LAST assignment.
And, oh yeah, one more thing. The innocent woman he killed is hanging around in ghost form, trying to get Ben to apologize.
It's your basic Canadian hired-assassin erotic ghost story, with a lot of groovy bird's-eye-view camera angles.
It's actually a pretty decent one.
Four dead bodies. Sixteen breasts. Office aardvarking. Shower aardvarking. Nekkid body-painting. Artery-slicing. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Dave Thomas, as the disgusting overweight Binaca-spraying real estate mogul married to Shannon, for breaking a lot of expensive dinnerware and saying "You're screwing around on me, aren't you?"; Lenore Zann, as the sexy ghost who gets killed in the first scene of the movie but FINISHES THE MOVIE; Ben Cross, as the hitman; Adam Baldwin, for being the only Baldwin I can't ever remember the name of; and Shannon Tweed, for making sure everybody in the cast gets killed except her (as usual).
Three and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Sea Lion Alert! Two sea lions waddled up out of a creek onto the Nimitz Freeway in Oakland. One of them was struck by several cars and killed, causing two car crashes. The other sea lion escaped by heading directly toward the Coliseum Drive-In. A parable for our times. Marc Richard of San Francisco reminds us that, with eternal vigilance, the streets will be safe for all mammals. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob's world famous newsletter, "The Joe Bob Report," write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob:
Thanks for the endorsement of the public drinking water system and your insightful analysis of the costs incurred by people who insist on drinking bottled water of inferior quality. You have posed one of the great questions of all time when you ask why people IN ANY CITY "would spend hundreds of dollars a year for water that is LESS PURE than what they can get out of their taps." If you get even a single credible response to this query, I'd love to hear it!
By the way, not meaning to quibble, I note that the cost of that $6 bottle of Perrier (if it contains 16 ounces) is about TWENTY THOUSAND times (not 9,000 times) the cost of our high-quality municipal drinking water DELIVERED TO YOUR HOME. You don't need to hold your nose and grimace when you drink our water, either. Finally, our water lacks that essential nutrient benzene that Perrier was previously including in their bottles at no extra charge!
Here's hoping that you won't have to explain this to people again.
Sincerely,
Michael S. Marcotte
Director, Dallas Water Utilities
Dallas
Dear
Michael:
I guess you can lead the water to the people, but you can't make em drink.
Dear Joe Bob,
Joe Bob, I know you're a "drive-in movie" critic (OK, THE "drive-in movie" critic), so I hope I don't insult you by making a comment about television, but I've noticed two trends in TV and wondered if you had noticed them too.
Numero Uno! Sunday night has become a night of raging, ornery feminist (oops, redundant!) movies about evil white males. Every Sunday night for the past several months there have been network movies depicting a) murdering husbands (white), b) white serial killers, c) white cheating husbands, d) white bully-husbands, e) white dead-beat husbands, and on and on, ad nauseum.
This is educational, I suppose, because it illustrates how men of other races never commit such crimes--just us white guys.
Numero Two-o! Know how you can tell it's a movie aimed at women? (Besides the commercials for, well, you know.) A tinkley-piano-music score! Every durn one! Check it out.
A drive-in man,
Don Mangan
San Mateo, Calif.
Dear
Don:
White guys don't just commit all the crimes on Sunday night. They commit all the crimes THROUGHOUT THE WEEK. You would think that, after a while, all the blacks in the Screen Actors Guild would COMPLAIN about it.
Yo Joe Bob,
First, I want to tell you how much I enjoy your work. My favorite was the column on how to tell whether to go out with a guy or not. I kept it on my bulletin board for months, and I still quote it at parties. ("It's a bad sign if he says, 'Ted Bundy got a bad rap in the media.'"). (I always give you credit, of course.)
Anyway, I liked your recent piece on videos for couples, but I have one small quibble.
"Gender sensitivity training" for neurologists at Stanford is just a fancy name for teaching those guys not to "Robin Hood" the female surgeons. Imagine Dr. Mary Whoosis operating on Grandma's brain and having some joker snap her bra. The impact could cause Grannie's cortex to fly across the room. For this reason, I think the training is a good idea.
But you're quite right: we need similar training for women as well. To further equalize workplace relations, I propose a "Sports 101" course for women. When a male coworker says, "Hey, the A's pulled it out in the bottom of the ninth! How 'bout that?," most female coworkers stare at him saying "Do what?" and wonder if he's referring to coitus interruptus.
The sports page is most confusing to the untutored. For example, they're obviously not talking about the Equal Rights Amendment when they mention ERA, but they never do explain what it stands for. "Sports 101" would alleviate this confusion (and probably save many marriages in the bargain).
I hope you'll embrace this worthy cause, and thanks for your inspiration over the years.
Yours,
Janis Mara
Albany, Calif.
Dear
Janis:
I don't really care whether women learn
about sports or not, as long as they don't PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT IT WHEN THEY
DON'T. There's nothing more annoying than a woman coming into the room during
the ESPN basketball game and saying, "Who's winning?"
You know what I mean?
Dear JB--
I always thought you invent these movies you review. Evidently not.
EEEEEEEUUUUUUU
What ever happened to movies for entertainment??
Roberta Mandel
San Pablo, Calif.
Dear
Roberta:
Are you demeaning the value of the West German sex comedy? I hope not.
Dear Joe Bob,
Did you see "Children of the Corn II" yet? I don't know about you, but I was disappointed. You know, if you're going to make a sequel, you should make the same movie over again. Also, where was Linda Hamilton? I should have known something was wrong when our favorite "Terminator" heroine's name wasn't in the credits. Instead we got this nubile female (I think her name was Christie Clark) appearing twice in a bikini top and blue shorts. That got my attention. Otherwise, I was bored.
Also, I recently saw your picture in Femme Fatales issue #3, with the four most popular scream queens. I'm just curious, did Michelle Bauer come in fifth place? I ask because she's my personal favorite. I know Monique Gabrielle is your fav, but I dig Michelle. She is hot. She's been in over 30 movies, at least a dozen videos, as well as Penthouse and Playboy. You know you can look that up in The Bare Facts Video Guide. How about her banana scene in "Nightmare Sisters"? Bo Derek (in "Tarzan") isn't the only one who can act with fruit. Michelle is also great at swinging around a chainsaw. She even got to do that in the "Hot Tub Party" video. I hope she gets her own fan club soon.
I remember seeing Wendy MacDonald as "Sherry Dilday" on Drive-In Theatre. I didn't really like her. First she wouldn't talk, then she was insulting. I did enjoy Linnea and Brinke. For obvious reasons, I'd like to see Michelle as a guest. If she's not too busy, it would be great to see her at least once.
I've been thinking how lame it was that your scene was taken out of "Chainsaw 2." I hope that some day, somehow, we can all get to see it. The people at Cannon say "it didn't make sense." It doesn't exactly make sense to cut a movie only eleven days before its release date.
Finally, on a more positive note, let me tell you about something special. I sent a check to Brinke Stevens' fan club for her newsletter subscription. I got back a package with a rectangular shape. I thought "could it be?" I opened it and sure enough it was a copy of "Nightmare Sisters" uncut! Brinke explained in a note that I had sent slightly too much money, so she made up the difference by sending me the video! I had written to her and said I wished I could see it un-cut (after reviewing it on that USA Network). It's a great movie. Linnea, Brinke and Michelle are all perfect. They're versatile, too, the way their characters keep changing. I don't think three other actresses could've played those rolls better. That movie and "Sorority Babes" would make a great double feature.
Meantime, I'll be on the lookout for that book Men, Women and Chainsaws by Carol Clover. And, of course, Freddy and Jason seventh and ninth movies. You say "I Spit On Your Grave" was banned from cable. Don't forget "Caligula," "Mother's Day" and "Silent Night, Deadly Night." Only Eggbert and Siskel would be happy with that.
Jim Marcel Jr.
Cranston, R.I.
Dear
Jim:
I agree with you about Michelle Bauer. Right now, she stands breast and shoulders above all other scream queens in terms of the sheer numbers of movies she does, AND the amount of herself she puts in those movies (namely, ALL of herself).
© 1994 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved