Assault of the Party Nerds II: The Heavy Petting Detective

"Joe Bob's Drive-In" for 11/21/94

cutline: Cathy Nagan displays Party Pose No. 7 in response to executive producer David Gabai's classic nerd technique in "Assault of the Party Nerds II: The Heavy Petting Detective."

By Joe Bob Briggs

Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas

Well, the No-Smoking Nazis have reached the borders of New York City.

There's a lot of things you can say about New York City, but the one thing I always liked about the place is that it was the last place in America that RESPECTED smokers. Some of the office buildings even have those little fan systems over each desk, so that you can smoke while you work.

And now that I think of it, why don't ALL office buildings have those little smokers' exhaust systems. If everybody REALLY cares about second-hand smoke THAT much, then this would seem to be the perfect way to respect the smoker AND the non-smoker.

But I've suspected for a long time that all this I-hate-smoking business doesn't have a whole heck of a lot to do with second-hand smoke. These people don't hate the smoke. They hate the SMOKER.

And now they're trying to get some kinda no-smokin ordinance passed in New York City. No smokin in ANY restaurant, ANY bar, any place atall.

Of course, even if they pass it, it'll be enforced about the same way they enforce the jaywalkin laws. There's just WAY too many Pakistanis and French guys who smoke 400 cigarettes a day, not to mention the Wall Street Corona Grandes. Shoot, even the HOMELESS people smoke cigars in New York City.

But that's not the point. The point is that these people would even dare to TRY IT.

Okay, look. I'm fed up.

If we're gonna start drawin up ordinances, then we oughta give the bar owner or the restaurant owner the option. He can put up a sign--NON-SMOKIN JOINT--or he can put up a sign that says "SMOKE CITY." In other words, he can make his place an ALL-smoking environment if he wants to. It's up to him. And then it's up to everbody else whether they wanna go in there or not.

So if you don't like smokin, go to a non-smokin place.

If you DO like smokin, stay AWAY from the non-smokin places.

In other words, let's even up the game here.

Stand up for yourself.

Send these Smoke Nazis back to Sweden where they belong.

I'm surprised they allow this sorta thing in America. It started with those dadblamed seat-belt laws, and the Goody Two-Shoes Lobby has been stompin all over us ever since.

I draw the line at non-smokin topless bars.

I'm sorry, but I do.

And speaking of patriotic traditions, you know there's still hope for the country when people keep putting out the mindless R-rated teen sex comedy, and we have one of the Airhead Champions of 1994 this week--of course, I'm speaking of "Assault of the Party Nerds II: The Heavy Petting Detective."

How long have we been waiting for this sequel?

TOO LONG.

Richard Gabai is the producer, writer, director, star, songwriter and sole casting-couch owner, in the sensitive story of a sleazy detective who goes around El Lay taking pictures of people In Flagrante Aardvarkus, if you know what I mean and I think you do, but he's pressed into service by Grand Fraternity Wizard Arte Johnson (yes, that's right, Arte Johnson is in this movie) and told he must save his beloved Lambda Alpha Eta brothers--all three of them, the only three pathetic guys left in the nerdiest fraternity on earth--he must SAVE these geeks from being evicted from their frat house by the mean ole Zetas. In the name of Geek Solidarity, he accepts the challenge, but not before doing lots of topless scenes with B-movie superstars Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer.

In other words, absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story.

My kinda flick.

No dead bodies. Eight breasts. Multiple aardvarking. Gratuitous Hungarian deejay. Gratuitous Burt Ward. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Tane McClure, as the ultra-slutty mini-skirted bimbo secretary; Rhonda Shear, for having nothing to do in the movie but doing it quite well, as a hick bimbo who snorts like a horse and lounges around in a bikini; Richard Gabai, for writing a part for himself where he rides around on a motorized skateboard and dresses in drag at a health spa; Linnea Quigley, as the super-tramp gold-digging hairdresser; Michelle Bauer, as the lonely belching housewife; Gloria Marie Perez, as the sensible girlfriend who says "You can't be a party nerd forever"; Christopher Dempsey, as the Yuppie villain who says "Welcome to Bud's House of Pain!"; and, of course, Spridle Pollak, as the head nerd, for being named Spridle Pollak and for saying "Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?"

Two and a half stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS

Victory Over Greed! The Cascade Drive-In in West Chicago, Ill., is still pulling in enormous crowds on weekends, and owners Jeff Kohlberg and Poppy Cataldo have restored the old bottle-warmer service from the fifties. You get a free bottle warmer for the baby at the concession stand. This makes sense when you realize that Kohlberg and Cataldo are the son and daughter of legendary drive-in promoter Stan Kohlberg, who once owned the largest drive-in chain in the Midwest and invented many of the promotions of his day, like circus acts between movies, pony rides, and miniature golf. Walter Szewczyk of Lombard reminds us that, with eternal vigilance, the drive-in will never die. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob's world famous newsletter, "The Joe Bob Report," write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-985-7448. Joe Bob even hangs out on CompuServe: 76702,1435.

Joe Bob,

[article enclosed: "Armistead Maupin is a Man I Dreamt Up" documentary with commentary by lesbian writer Kate Bornstein.] I recently found this in the San Francisco Chronicle and I admit I was puzzled. It used to be, what with all the people in our society changing jobs, venues, and everything else you had trouble keeping track of who's who. But now it's even become difficult keeping track of who's what. You've developed a pretty keen sense of calling it like you see it, can you help us with this little paradox?

TODAY'S NEW AGE PARADOX: "TRANSSEXUAL LESBIAN WRITER KATE BORNSTEIN"

Let's see if I've got this right. Is this a man--who liked to sleep with women--that had an operation to become a woman so he could be a lesbian and sleep with women?

Or maybe . . . Is this a woman who's a lesbian who had a sex change to become a man but who hates men so she kept her given feminine name of Kate and under the threat of litigation makes sure he continues to be referred to as a lesbian?

Or maybe . . . This is a man who became a woman and now writes on the Greek island of Lesbos?

Help, I'm confused.

Steve San Filippo

Belmont, Calif.

Dear Steve:

What if you fell in love with a woman, but she wouldn't have anything to do with you, and then later you found out she was a transsexual lesbian?

Would you feel better or worse?

Dear Joe Bob Briggs,

When I read your article about "Dead White European Males," I was ecstatic. Never before had I read such a simple, down-to-earth and INTELLIGENT approach to the college experience! I am a sophomore at North Carolina State University majoring in English and History. A result of these two majors has been massive exposure to DWEMs, but contrary to some beliefs, I've thoroughly ENJOYED my education! One of the highlights of my education has been living in the International Hall. If someone wanted to find me they'd have to look in the room of my Russian friend 'cause I'm teaching him college-level English grammar. If it was early evening, they had better look in the international restaurant (Rami's) where myself and my Venezuelan roommate are trying everything from enchiladas to Indian desserts. If it was past midnight, I'd be in my room studying ancient history, modern poetry or Chinese, but rest assured Mozart or Beethoven would be playing (two more DWEMs). I am establishing a base and opening doors to the job market, but I am also opening doors all over the world. I've learned a lot while being in college, but most of it has been OUTSIDE of the classroom! If that is truly the way college should be and I think it IS, it really doesn't matter if you read more of Alex Haley than Samuel Johnson or vice versa. I posted your article outside my door. I hope that students will read it and take it to heart when they check their mail.

Sincerely,

Steven J. Sackings

Raleigh, N.C.

Dear Steven:

I thank you, and a dead white European male thanks you.

Yo Yo, Joe Bob,

Lay off, will ya? Us home-schoolers, uh, people who learn at home, take enough abuse already. You can't believe what we go through. I mean, it's not like we're studying to be journalists or anything. Anyway, you got it all wrong. You don't have to want to get a great education, or even a good education, to want to learn at home. All you need is a mild aversion to stupidity and you're outta the public school system like your butt's on fire. I don't know if you read what I read, but something like half of the adults in America aren't literate enough to take a bath. Ever spend time listening to the general discourse in a high school hallway? It ain't exactly Aristotle.

Picture this. My kid, 10, is in elementary school. The teacher gives him like 10,000 long division problems to do for homework. He's been doing long division since he was seven years old. He can divide anything by anything. He works on this homework for about a half hour or so and asks me why he has to keep doing these problems if he already knows how. Being the dutiful father I am, I give him a little test. Satisfied that he can indeed divide, I tell him that he doesn't have to finish. "But what about the teacher?" he asks. "Just tell her I said you didn't have to do the assignment, that you know how to divide, and that she is welcome to give you whatever grade she sees fit. Your grades don't really count until high school." I figured, I'm the dad, my kid knows how to divide, and has wisely decided to stop wasting his time. Where's the down side?

You'da thought I cut his leg off. I got called for a counseling session, told about discipline in the classroom, respect for the teacher, and the slow erosion of society. I asked if my son had declined to do the homework politely. Yes, but that wasn't the point. He HAD to do as he was told or WHAT would happen? Hmm. Obedience, not personal responsibility, was being taught here. I decided to get nasty.

I asked, "If a child learns to divide very well, say, grade A level, but does not turn in further practice material, what grade will you give him?"

"Why a zero, of course!"

"So, the grade in division would reflect the degree to which the student is willing to do something absurd, without question, not the degree to which he can divide?"

I needn't relate the resulting barrage of aphorisms on duty and citizenship. Interestingly, at about the same time on the same day, scientists clocked Hank Thoreau's corpse at 3,000 rpm.

Don't tell me you didn't spend most of your time in school tuning out teachers and vainly attempting to pursue your own interests, Mr. Joe Bob Briggs. Ever take Texas History from a football coach?

As a parting irony, let me direct your attention to the headline that appeared in the San Antonio Express News two days after your home schooling diatribe.

"TEA upgrades school ratings: Nine campuses in Bexar no longer considered 'clearly unacceptable'"

Cool,

Anonymous

San Antonio, Tex.

Dear Anon:

I gotta admit, you make a great case for the stupidity of the Texas schools. But now we get into the second issue:

Do you REALLY want those same white trash parents saying "Hell, I'll just teach my kid this stuff on the kitchen table"?

Dear Joe Bob;

I just wanted to compliment and thank you for the brilliant "Dare to Be Stupid" article. That article would be great advice for anybody, not just college students. I searched high and low where I work for people interested in something more than drinking and the most mainstream interests. Luckily, I found a few. Thanks to these people, I now listen to an extremely wide range of music and discovered some great authors. It's hard to describe what mental and/or physical difference broadening your horizons makes, but it does mean SOMETHING, and you obviously understand that, too.

Thanks again,

Guy Rusiski

Pittsburgh

Dear Guy:

Preciate the support for us fellow "el stupidos."

Hi Joe Bob,

Agreed, prostitutes provide a needed service. And when you stop and think about it, the price is pretty reasonable. While talking with a married friend, I complained that some of the hookers in Las Vegas want $150 just to get laid. He replied that, in order to keep his wife happy, he's paying for a house with a pool on a couple of acres, a new car for her, furniture, clothes, restaurant meals, entertainment and so on. He estimated that his wife is charging him about $150 per stroke.

Johnny Carson caught some flak a few years ago when, alluding to the fact that prostitution is legal there, he said that all Nevada women are loose. Someone should have pointed out that, if Carson had engaged the services of a different hooker every night for the last 25 years, and continues to do so for the rest of his life, it would still cost him less than his third wife did. He's the only man in the world who likes to invest in divorce. And where has all his experience gotten him? He's married again!

Have fun,

John Rush

Austin, Tex.

Dear John:

After hearing the Heidi Fleiss prices, the hookers in Vegas must feel like IDIOTS.

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