"Joe Bob Goes to the
Drive-In" for 7/30/93
cutline: Sabryn Gene't has trouble
detecting sleazy men breathing on her hair in the new thriller "Illegal
Entry."
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine,
Texas
"Don't
Ask, Don't Tell."
I've
been thinking about this a LOT. It makes my head hurt. I can't understand it.
The
sergeant says, "Are you a homo?"
What's
the private supposed to say? "Ask me that again and I'll make you do 30
pushups."
I
mean, wouldn't life be a whole lot easier in boot camp if you just screamed,
"NO, SERGEANT, I AM NOT A HOMO, SERGEANT!"--even if you WERE gay?
This is like one of those Fifth Amendment deals, where a Mafia guy sits on the
witness stand and says 542 times "I refuse to answer on the grounds it
might inseminate me."
It'll
be especially tough on the women who are NOT lesbos.
"Yes,
Sergeant, I do realize that the uniform looks a little BUTCH today, but if
you'd just let me wear a nice set of black pumps and a little Mary Kay
lipstick, you'd have NO PROBLEM recognizing my firm commitment to a
heterosexual lifestyle."
And
what's Lou Gossett, Jr., gonna think of this new policy? What are the great
drill sergeants of TV history gonna think? What about the scene where Gomer
Pyle's drill sergeant screams, "All right, LADIES! Give me your
attention!"
I
mean, if you do what he says and GIVE HIM YOUR ATTENTION, do you get kicked out
of the Army?
Why'd
they have to make it so goldurn complicated?
You
can't ask about it.
You
can't search through the guy's duffel bag for that tell-tale Judy Garland
album.
You
can still get kicked out, but only if you get caught rootin around in an
interstate rest stop with a guy dressed up like Divine. In other words, it's
gotta be REAL public.
Military
personnel can hang out in gay bars, but the M.P.s can't POLICE the gay
bars--which means anybody IN the gay bar is OBVIOUSLY gay, but he can't be
kicked out for that because he might be gay but not a PRACTICING gay. (I have
no idea what "practicing" means, but I don't think most of these guys
need any rehearsal anyway.)
No
hand-holding.
No
kissy-face.
And
if they DO decide that you've been rootin around with the wrong sex, they can
force you to tell em exactly WHO you've been rootin around WITH.
So
what if they get you on the hot seat, so to speak, and they say, "Listen,
Bruce, if you want an HONORABLE discharge, you tell us exactly who was making
the sign of the musical octopus with you," and so the guy says, "Yes,
sir, I made the sign of the musical octopus with Rocky Forcucci, sir," but
the only reason the guy is naming Rocky Forcucci is that Rocky Forcucci is the
biggest gay-hating bulldog-face gung-ho Marine on the base.
And
what happens when the gay guy keeps getting promoted until he IS the drill
sergeant?
What
will everybody do when he says, with a sneer, "All right, GENTLEMEN! Give
me your attention!"
Should
you only answer to "ladies," the traditional Gomer Pyle command,
thereby proclaiming yourself a traditional Marine hetero soldier, or should you
snap to attention on the word "gentlemen," which, if he says it with
a sneer, might be the kind of gentlemen you don't want to associate with?
You
see what I mean here?
This
is NOT gonna work.
Some
people will figure it out, but the guys recruited at Big Town Mall in Odessa,
Texas, are NEVER gonna know what's going on.
Speaking
of gay themes, "Illegal Entry" is this week's movie, and it's the old
familiar story of a blonde bimbo fleeing from the people who executed her
parents while they were IN FLAGRANTE AARDVARKUS. Why? Because her father
controlled a secret formula that would solve world hunger. But she can't figure
out who wanted him dead the most--her horny surfing boyfriend, her father's boss,
the beautiful lawyer who shares a bed with him, two sleazeball cops, a gunman
in a ninja suit, a sex-crazed blonde girlfriend, or a guy named Steve.
Obviously,
we've got a WHOLE heck of a lot of plot getting in the way of the story. This
is like one of those old "Rockford Files" episodes where you think
you've got it figured out, then WHAMMO!--somebody gets shot at or run over
while they're walking down the street, and it turns out they're either drug
dealers or hitmen or greedy business executives or blah blah blah.
Pretty
decent, though.
Seven
dead bodies. Eighteen breasts. Death by acid-vat dunking. One wild pool party,
with gratuitous underwater nekkid-cam. Champagne forced down throat. Drive-In
Academy Award nominations for Gregory Vignolle, as the too-cool surfing
boyfriend, for saying "I wish he was dead--I wish they ALL were dead"
and "All those people dead--it was YOU all the time!"; Barbara Lee
Alexander, as the understanding friend who comforts a girl who has just lost
both her parents by saying "Well, what's done is done"; and Sabryn
Gene't, as the fleeing confused bimbo, for her big emotional scene where she
says "What's wrong? My mother and father were killed in front of me! My
brest friend and my aunt were shot because of this formula! It just doesn't
make any sense! Dad only wanted to do good, and now everybody's dead!"
Three
stars.
Joe
Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE
HOPELESS
Norman Lear Alert! The Mission IV Drive-In,
last remaining drive-in in San Antonio, Tex., was recently shut down by Act
III-Santikos Theatres, which is partly owned by Norman Lear. How did we ever
let this guy into Texas in the first place? Mark Brusniak sounded the alert on
Texas Independence Day and says, "Just like in the battle of the Alamo, Texas
is beginning to get down to our last fan and drive-in. Are you ready to draw
the proverbial line in the sand, Cap'n Joe Bob (nee Travis) Briggs?" Hand
me my musket. Remember, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here. To
discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and
the world-famous newsletter, "The Joe Bob Report," write to Joe Bob
Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open:
214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob,
How come backlit turning fans are worked
into the scenery of almost every sci-fi and action film lately? "Total
Recall" and "Highlander II" even have big fans worked into their
stories. I have seen lots of movies where there is an artful explosion, then
the good guys run through a starbase, or a secret headquarters, and there are
always lots of these fans. Wouldn't a starbase have air conditioning? Are they
some sort of set designer's trademark? Inquiring minds almost want to know.
Yours,
Paul C. Cowan
Pacifica, Calif.
Dear Paul:
I don't know for sure, but I think the
fans are a way of saying, "Hey, look, this scene is so goldang important
that there's WIND everywhere, like the durn 'Wizard of Oz.' There's all this
SPIRITUAL stuff in the air." I know it sounds weird, but I've met some of
these guys, and this is the way they think.
Dear Joe Bob,
Since you will now and forever be my
internal link to the bizarre, I have a question for you. If you had a friend
who recently defected into a lesbian lifestyle and wanted to tie the knot in a
ritual such as marriage, what would you buy said individual for a gift? This is
my dilemma. Hear my plea and answer, O ye of the drive-in persuasion. Danka!!
Colleen Coyne
Dallas
Dear Colleen:
How about a matched set of Her-and-Her
towels?
Joe Bob,
[Letter attached to a classified
advertisement looking for "adult schizophrenic males for research
studies."]
I signed you up!
Think of it--FREE drugs.
Tom Cowden
Austin, Tex.
Dear Tom:
I don't take drugs.
Yes I do.
Dear Joe,
I thought I would write and list my top
five scream queens and their movies for your show.
1. Barbara Crampton--"From
Beyond"
2. Monique Gabrielle--"Deathstalker
2"
3. Deborah Foreman--"Waxwork"
4. Michelle Bauer--"Sorority Babes in
the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama"
5. Teri Weigel--All equal, nothing
outstanding yet!
But I do believe Winona Ryder may be up
there if "Dracula" is all I have heard it to be. Also, you may not
know this, but Barbara Crampton's contract has not been renewed for the soap
"The Young and the Restless," so we may yet see her in more movies. I
do hope so.
Christopher Conway
Manchester, England
Dear Christopher:
Interesting list, but I have my doubts
about how quickly a person can recover from that many years of steady
soap-opera acting. Once you've gone to Susan Lucci Land, you're on that
made-for-TV-movie track, if you know what I mean.
Joe Bob,
It has happened here. We lost two major
drive-ins to mass-merchandising idiots who believe the public is better served
with a mall and Kroger than a place where you can sit from dusk to dawn and
have a pyramid to the gods that consists of red, white and blue beer cans! We
only have two left in Cole, O., but it's okay to have rabid dog festivals every
coupla years.
Take care, Joe Bob,
Brian Commeans
Cole, O.
Dear Brian:
I agree that it's terrible news--the
lost drive-ins, I mean--but I hope you're not CRITICIZING rabid-dog festivals.
For some people it's the closest they'll ever come to having sex.
© 1993 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved