Bikini Summer 2

"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 1/1/93

cutline: People scoffed at Jessica Hahn's acting career, until . . . "Bikini Summer 2."

By Joe Bob Briggs

Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas

What if you can't decide whether to boycott Colorado or not?

I don't mean to whine, but I've been trying to figure this thing out for WEEKS now.

I can't even figure out WHAT THE HELL IT WAS THEY VOTED ON.

Here's what I THINK they voted on--an amendment to the constitution to make it illegal to pass laws that give anti-discrimination rights to homosexuals. In other words, you've got these statewide rights, and then you've got these local rights, and so the statewide rights are stronger than the local rights--EXCEPT the statewide rights are not rights at all, but a statement that you can't GIVE these rights. And you ask the people who were behind this how they could even come up with something this convoluted, and you know what their answer is?

"Because homosexuals already HAVE these rights."

In other words, they were DOING THE HOMOSEXUALS A FAVOR, by getting rid of one of the rights they don't need anymore.

So this makes me wanna boycott Colorado, just on the basis of it being full of people who have WAY too much time on their hands.

But let's face it. Anybody who doesn't live in Colorado is basically gonna go to three or four places--Denver, Boulder, Colorado Springs, Aspen, or one of the pseudo-Aspen ski towns that I can never remember the names of. In other words, all the places that sell coyote paperweights and teddy-bear buffaloes and pictures of squaws kneeling in the sunset.

So, if you boycott these places, you're boycotting THE ONLY PLACES IN COLORADO THAT WERE OPPOSED TO THE AMENDMENT. Who do you think makes all that orange pottery in the first place? It doesn't seem like a very good idea to express your solidarity with the gay population by putting a bunch of lesbian ceramics dealers in Birkenstock sandals out of business, does it?

I mean, it's not like anybody's going to say, "Okay! That's it! Colorado needs to be taught a lesson! I'm never ordering government documents from Pueblo for the rest of my life!"

Or how about the people who say they're not going skiing in Colorado this year? Instead they're going to Utah. Now THERE'S some progressive people. Be sure to stop off at one of those great after-hours leather bars in Provo. They LOVE gays.

Then you've got the issue of your Colorado politicians, ALL of whom say they wanna get the amendment repealed. The media says this. The people you meet on the street say this. It's not like Alabama in the fifties, when you asked people "Why are you opposed to integration?" and they would say "Why don't you stay out of our business? It's a local matter." No, these people aren't saying, "We like it this way." They're saying, "We screwed up." So my question is, "Who DID vote for the thing in the first place?" Are they saying that that overwhelming Durango vote forced this thing on everybody else?

No, it's too weird. I say we go back to the beginning and READ THE GOLDANG AMENDMENT AGAIN. Maybe the thing is just so complicated that they actually gave homosexuals MORE rights, but we just read it wrong.

Until that time, I'm boycotting Gunnison and Grand Junction only. Of course, I've ALWAYS boycotted Aspen.

Is it possible to boycott half of the state?

I'm writing to Pueblo to find out what my rights are.

Speaking of people who need to clarify their intentions, Jessica Hahn has taken up acting lately, and everybody SCOFFED . . . until "Bikini Summer 2." Every actress in Hollywood wanted to play the nymphomaniac Home Shopping Network addict who rolls around her bed all day dressed in Victoria's Secret lingerie, fantasizing about Jeff Conaway. But only Jessica believed in herself enough to GET THAT PART and then deliver the performance of a lifetime.

I have to say, I had trouble following the plot of "Bikini Summer 2," because I didn't see "Bikini Summer 1." But I will say that this movie should be entered in evidence as part of Jeff Conaway's lawsuit against the National Enquirer. Jeff is suing the Enkie over that story where they said that, after "Taxi" went off the air, he badgered his friends to get him jobs and boozed it up while his career went down the toilet.

Down the toilet, my butt. He not only takes a featured role in "Bikini Summer 2," but he directed it, and he conceived the "original story."

Let's see if I can sum up that story for you. Two sisters who wear bikinis all the time decide to bring a homeless couple home to live with them. The homeless guy plays guitar and sings lame love songs. But their dad, who spends all day being tied up by a big-breasted dominatrix who is also the Los Angeles district attorney, kicks them out of the house for having a pool party and damaging his golf clubs. Then they open a nightclub and "party down." Copyright 1992, Jeff Conaway, registered with the Writers Guild of America West.

Seventy-one breasts. High-heel licking. Homeless pool party. Garbage-eating. Wet T-shirt contest. Gratuitous Venice boardwalk montage (the 361st one this year). Gratuitous bodybuilders. Two gratuitous showers. Mouse Trap Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Maureen Flaherty, as the numero-uno bimbo daughter, for saying "You need a bath!"; Melinda Armstrong, as the older bimbo sister with an attitude, for saying "You slut!"; Robert Miano, as the singing homeless guy, for doing three lounge songs in their entirety, each one more AWFUL than the one before, and for saying "With a little work this place could be something"; Richard Arbolino, for getting down on the floor and squealing like a pig as a form of sexual gratification, and for saying "Money doesn't grow on trees"; and Jessica Hahn, for doing 95 per cent of her performance in bed.

Two stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS

Victory Over Communism! The Starlight Six Drive-In, on Moreland Avenue in Atlanta, has been designated a historic landmark. But there's even better news. This drive-in, built in 1947, is doing record business under the management of Ron Bacon, who has run various drive-ins in California and Georgia for 32 years. Dave King of Atlanta reminds us that, with eternal vigilance, the drive-in will never die.

To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob's world-famous "We Are the Weird" newsletter, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.

Dear Joe Bob,

Your column about culture vultures cracked me up. I even mailed some copies to my friends. Presently, I'm dating a doctor and I have to attend a wide variety of these dreaded events.

Joe Bob, I'm 33 years old and I'd rather attend an Alice Cooper concert than suffer through another George Winston or Kronos Quartet concert. I was born and raised in Minneapolis and I loathe Garrison Keillor. His books are a snore-fest.

Dave Melbourne

Houston

Dear Dave:

Wouldn't you like to drive Garrison Keillor to the South Bronx, drop him off on a street corner, and say, "Okay, go ahead, make us laugh"?

Dear Joe Bob,

Last night I watched "Terminator 2" on the small screen in my very own domicile with Butch the Wonderdog, who is now in the doghouse for peeing all over my TV Guide. I must say that even on video the movie was quite a success. I was able to figure out why I liked Linda Hamilton's performance so much: It's because she reminded me of what Linda Blair might have been like if she'd never been exorcised by Fathers Merwin and Damien. She looked a lot like a middle class nightmare of what could happen to any girl who ran around with the wrong crowd and was possessed by a Babylonian demon. I still don't get it, though. I mean, if all the chips were destroyed, and all the Terminators melted to slag, thus terminating the chance for a Big Kaboom and the conquest of the world by the Smart Cuisinarts, and terminating any reason for the adult John Conner sending his own best friend/father back into time to protect his mother from the Smart Cuisinart's Terminator, terminating any reason for the Sign of the Three-Dimensional Time Paradox which created the aforementioned John Conner, then what was John Conner doing there at the end of "Terminator 2"? Why was there a movie at all?

Maybe we should call Arnie and ask him.

By the way, I read in the TV Guide before Butch peed on it--he must not like John Goodman--that "Dead Poet's Society" will be shown this Friday with 13 minutes never before seen anywhere. Does this mean they'll put back in all the special effects?

Yours temporally,

Jerry Meredith

Mooresville, N.C.

Dear Jerry:

You're right! If the Terminator was TERMINATED in the present, then he can't exist in the future in order to RETURN to the present, right?

They should put an explanation at the end of the movie--just one line of type that says "Never Mind."

Dear Joe Bob--

I've been out of the country for the last 27 months, working my ass off at what turned out to be a salted silver mine in the jungle of Ecuador. After bumming a ride on a Portugese tofu freighter outta Guayaquil (which is another story altogether and possibly a great script for a Roger Corman spectacular that could end up at one of your local yahoo drive-ins), I finally jumped ship off Halifax and found haven in a macrobiotic commune in Boston. It was there I ran across a column of yours entitled "Cosmic Wisdom & The Meaning of Life." My mind was blown!

Look, you seem to be an all right guy, but this sudden shift to philosophy instead of pumping out gonzo movie reviews of grade B flicks just isn't your bag. Trust me, J.B., none of your fans give a flea's pecker about the nature of Truth, women's consciousness, or boardroom etiquette. What they really want is for you to count the correct number of fus and breasts--and recount the memorable lines they missed 'cause they was makin' out in the back seat of some Buick. That's it, Bubba.

I'm sure your sudden rise to fame and big bucks has caused you to feel obliged to attempt to write something meaningful and poignant just like Dave Barry or Lewis Grizzard, but, hey, I'm here to tell you that indepth insight is definitely not hip. Stick to watching senselessly violent, low-brain, gutter flicks, and write that throw-away prose which has made you the man you are today.

We love ya, J.B., and wouldn't want you to become hopelessly accessible like most everyone else.

I remain your biggest fan--

Jim Meyer

North Myrtle Beach, S.C.

Dear Jimbo:

You said the magic words: "Dave Barry" and "Lewis Grizzard."

I'll reform immediately.

Joe Bob,

Cable was supposed to be the end of television commercials when it first came out, but now you pay for cable, to watch commercials that you pay for in product price, or events sponsored (paid for by consumer) by the product, and is it just me or does it seem like a big scam to anyone else that a nine-cent Coke costs 65 cents after you figure in the cable you paid for to watch the commercial on? I figure you have a handle on it since you have seen the elephants up close.

Thank you for your time.

Enjoyed your writing for years.

Thomas D. Mitchell

Coeburn, Va.

Dear Tom:

Yep, you're right. Cable TV is the first American enterprise that figured out how to charge money to the buyer (the audience), charge money to the seller (the advertiser), and make movies which they show to you on that channel and then SELL AGAIN to other channels. So they even make money off ONE ANOTHER.

Obviously, my kind of people.

Dear Joe Bob,

I am having a problem living in El Paso. While we do have a drive-in movie in town, the owner will only show the more popular first-line movies, i.e., no Joe Bob entertainment at all.

I have been reading your reviews for several years now and lust for car fu, body parts fu, gratuitous breasts and all the other wonders your movie reviews describe. Is there something wrong with me or our drive-in owners?

Myles Miller

El Paso, Tex.

Dear Myles:

American taste has declined to the point where some drive-ins were showing "Thelma and Louise" last summer. Of course, you could say that IS a good drive-in movie, expressing the theme, "Look what happens when you let a woman drive."

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