"Joe Bob Goes to the
Drive-In" for 10/15/93
cutline: Jack Ramey chews major
scenery as the insect-worshipping shrink in "The Age of Insects."
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine,
Texas
I've
got a question.
Why
would 19 parliamentary democracies PRAISE a man who abolishes a parliament?
Maybe
there's something I don't understand about Yeltsin. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm
a man who sleeps in his underwear. But something is seriously wrong here when
all the FREE governments of the world, including our own Newnited States, give
three cheers for a guy who's over there outlawing political parties, closing
down newspapers, and generally acting like . . . well . . . kinda like a Commie
dictator.
Okay,
look, they had this Parliament that had a lot of loudmouth guys trying to stop
all the reforms, right? And a lot of em were Commies. And a lot of em were
these weirdbeard ultra-right loonies who wanna bring back the czar. And they
didn't give two diddly squats for the welfare of the country--they just wanted
to stop Yeltsin.
To
which I say, SO WHAT? Isn't this the same dang thing that happens in the
Eyetalian Parliament every day of the week? Aren't these Communists acting
exactly like the Communists in the FRENCH Parliament? Don't all the looney
political parties ALWAYS band together and gang up on the majority party?
But
they were elected, right? They got their jobs fair and square, right? There
were a bunch of Russian citizens who went to the polls and marked
"Commie" on the ballot. So it's not like they're Stalin's Communists,
who never faced a fair election in their lives. They're just like those racists
they always elect in Louisiana. Everybody shrugs their shoulders and says,
"How'd they get elected again? I didn't vote for em. Did YOU vote for
em?" But they're ELECTED, and so they get to stay in the legislature. You
don't have to like em. You just have to agree that they WERE elected.
And
so what are you SUPPOSED to do if you don't like the way things are going in
Parliament?
YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO RESIGN!
This
triggers new elections.
You're
not supposed to MAKE EVERYBODY ELSE RESIGN!
No
wonder the guys were holed up in the Parliament building with Kalashnikov
AK-47's.
You
know what their number one demand was?
Access
to the media.
They
didn't wanna kill Yeltsin. They wanted to be HEARD.
But,
as it turned out, they get their newspaper outlawed. They ended up in prison.
And the Commie Party was abolished.
Now,
in order to make the circle complete, they should all ask for political asylum
in France or Italy, where the Communist Party is still legal.
And
as to the Czar-loving right-wingers, they probly feel this is just
"business as usual." Communists, Yeltsinites, what difference does it
make? They all eventually throw you in jail.
All
this is very Russian and very understandable.
What
I don't understand is: Why do WE approve of it? I don't think we'd react the
same way if Clinton cancelled the Congress. Or maybe we would. Maybe we've ALL
become Commies. What are we saying in Russia--that we want democracy, but NOT
TOO MUCH OF IT JUST YET?
Obviously
it's too much for me to figure out.
But
back to more important topics, like the definition of "B movie." I'm
happy to report that America has progressed past the B movie, the C movie, and
the Z movie, to movies so weird and low-budget that they were undreamed of by
our forefathers in Philadelphia. Or even in Akron. From the film schools of
Idaho to the art classes of East Tennessee, people are turning out low-budget movies
that are so strange they're only distributed through underground video clubs.
And, for some reason, ALL of them are sent to ME. I have become the Guru of
Unmarketable Cinema, a title I wear proudly.
Hence
we have "The Age of Insects," the sensitive story of an
insect-worshipping scientist in Manhattan who lures people to his laboratory
with newspaper ads offering "personality changes," then drugs them,
rubs gooey juice all over their bodies, chants demonic slogans, and forces them
to mate with his East Indian lab assistant cleaning woman, "the mantis
queen" who will bring on the "final march toward ento-socialism"
in which we will all be descended from grasshoppers.
I
guess we've all heard the story before, but not with this many psychedelic
acid-trip "insect-vision" dream sequences.
All
the actors in this movie were evidently trained at the Video Technical
Institute in Irving, Texas. Other than that, though, I loved it.
(This
is another one that you can't find in video stores, so if you're interested,
drop me a line at P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221, and I'll tell you how to
order.)
Six
dead bodies. Eight breasts. One orgy. Mouth injection. Chloroform Fu. Drive-In
Academy Award nominations for Jack Ramey, as the scientist who talks about
"the petty freedom that eats away at man's puny social structure" and
barks orders like "Please restrain your neurotic dribble until
afterwards!" and "I'm sending you back to Calcutta to sleep on a
dungheap with the rest of your relatives!"; K.C. Townshend, as the
martini-guzzling magnate who owns Bev's Lingerie (slogan: "Wed or Unwed,
Bev's Better in Bed") and says "I've got more black dresses than
you've got bullets in that gun!"; Lisa Zane, as the East Indian immigrant
who says "I want to be anesthesiologist!" and "There is nothing
between my skin and my heart"; Heather Woodbury, as the druggie girlfriend
who freaks out at a party and says "My diaphragm is stuck on the
ceiling"; Louis Homyak, as the outraged father who says "I want this
insect stuff stopped now!" and "You stupid quack!" and (to his
wife) "You and your smelly lingerie, all over town!"; and Eric
Marano, the very strange producer/director, who spent at least a hundred dollars
on this movie.
Three
stars.
Joe
Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Republican Alert! The Commerce Drive-In in
Union Lake, Mich., has met the wrecking ball--to make way for yet another
Kroger store. Pat and Brenda Cremer of Highland write, "Life isn't
fair," and remind us that, without eternal vigilance, it could happen
here. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the
mail and the world-famous "Joe Bob Report," write Joe Bob Briggs,
P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open:
214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob:
Have you seen "Psycho From
Texas"? It was produced and directed by my uncle, Jim Feazell (and his
son, my cousin Christian, plays young Wheeler). It's really not too bad. The main
character reminds me of a few of the people I put on death row while D.A.
I want him to do a sequel and call it
"Psycho From Waco."
Keep having fun,
Vic Feazell
(Former McLennan
County District Attorney)
Austin, Tex.
Dear Vic:
Isn't "Psycho From Texas"
redundant?
Where can I get a copy of this classic?
Dear Joe Bob:
Please help me. Last December I saw this ad
for a free 1992 calendar, so I wrote in and asked for it. In a couple of weeks
it came in so I opened it and, lo and behold, it was a porno calendar. So I
just threw it away. BUT they had put me on their mailing list and on some other
mailing lists. So now I get all this porno mail all the time. What should I do,
Joe Bob? Please tell me. Do you want it?
Dymon Enlow
McKinney, Tex.
Dear Dymon:
Never throw away porno, son. It's bad
luck. If you don't want it, send it to some charitable organization that can
USE it, like Catholic seminaries.
Dear Joe Bob:
Love your columns.
Your article in today's paper mentions the
Chronic Lateness Syndrome and Compulsive Gambling Syndrome. You wrote "You
see how this stuff works. It's great to be in America in the '90s, where
there's no such thing as crime. Everything's a disease. Never forget
that." There is a lot of other stuff going on I don't understand.
In this same paper, there was an obituary
for a young man of 34 years who died of AIDS. He was an educated, accomplished
man who could have been so helpful to our country's future. However, his
obituary said that "He died in the comfort of his home, choosing to allow
AIDS to enrich his life."
Well, maybe it is time for me to get my
hat, Joe Bob, but with all this ACTUP violence in our streets, screams at
President Bush, and Elizabeth Taylor on TV, help me out here. I'd heard these
horrifying stories of how AIDS-infected people suffer. Explain to me how such
an early death can be an enrichment of one's life.
There was another article that you, as a
movie critic, would be interested to hear. A Sue Adolphson began it with
"When three San Francisco State students named their fledgling collective
of women filmmakers Post Modern Sisters, it was no accident that the resulting
acronym was PMS. 'It's sort of the idea of reclaiming something that's supposed
to be bad,' Lisa Austin explained over coffee at Caffe Roma. 'When you think
about it, [the premenstrual period] is sort of an empowering time.' Adds her
colleague Susanne Fairfax, 'That's when you're most honest, when everything
comes out . . .'"
Hello? Empowering? This painful rage? My
experience has been one of being flat on my back in bed, covered up trying to
keep warm, and it hurt so damned bad I wanted to cry and often did. When I saw
Congresswoman Pat Schroeder of Colorado crying that time on TV in front of the
whole world, she had my sympathy. Didn't look very empowering to me, and in her
case it was a political disaster.
Tell me what all these of people are
talking about. I don't understand.
Very truly yours,
Ethel
El Cerrito, Calif.
Dear Ethel:
Well, let's sum up here.
AIDS good.
PMS good.
Crying baaaaaaad.
All I've got to say is, I'd rather NOT
be "enriched" or "empowered," if you don't mind.
Dear Joe Bob,
When are you going to write an irresistible
article trashing SHHMUK's (Single Hopelessly Heterosexual Mothers [of]
Unemployed [adult] Kids)? I have been looking for an opportunity to write and
tell you that I have been a devoted reader for years and often applauded your
wit, intelligence and insight, but that your article (fill in date) overstepped
the bounds of satire, being merely mean, low-spirited and bigoted, and that I
won't be able to be a fan anymore.
You have caught so many people out by
finding their particular fanaticism, but I have been reading on, blithely
enjoying all of it. At this rate I'll never find an article I can't see the
humor in, so figure the only chance is a direct attack where I live. Meanwhile,
I will remain your faithful, sometimes overly entertained, subscriber.
In anticipation,
Margie Farwell
Boulder, Colo.
Dear Margie:
All I can think of to say about SHHMUK's
is, you gals could probly solve that unemployed-kid problem by latching onto
some hopelessly heterosexual man, who would be happy to come to your house and
be unemployed in their place.
Dear Joe Bob,
Whilst imbibing massive quantities of
caffeine and sugar it suddenly occurred to me that you might be unaware that,
here in Aspen, you share screaming tabloid space with Ursula Rose Sheperd.
Being something of a romantic savant, and
wishing to find some lucrative expression of my innate abilities, it also
occurred to me that arranging a match between such internationally renowned
journalists as yourselves would position me for great rewards from other
clientele among the lonely at the top.
I have enclosed a few samples of Ursula's
column for your enrichment. As will become obvious, she already KNOWS you want
to talk to her, so why fight it?
Sincerely,
Jeffrey Evans
Aspen, Colo.
Dear Jeff:
"Ursula the Aspen Psychic"
sounds like a good-time party girl to me. I'd like to check her chakras, if you
know what I mean and I think you do.
© 1993 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved