"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 2/5/93
cutline: Rhonda Boshau is just one of the reasons a chubby Omaha security guard can't survive, in the Drive-In Academy Award nominee "Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend."
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
The 1992 Hubbie nominees are here, and if you want to vote, send those ballots in THIS WEEK. I do NOT wanna have to tell you again.
And the Drive-In Academy Award nominees are . . .
BEST FLICK
"Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend," the low-budget made-in-Denver independent comedy in which a chubby Omaha security guard in a lumpy golf shirt spends his entire life savings on call girls in less than two weeks.
"Forced To Fight," prison movie DISGUISED as a kickboxing movie, about a violent white gang battling a non-violent black gang, and the oriental guy caught in between, with all the usual low-lifes, drugheads, goon-faces, brutal guards, dimwit reporters, in one of the most realistic men-in-chains flicks of recent years.
"In the Heat of Passion," the story of a young actor who falls in lust with Sally Kirkland and basically does it nine ways from Sunday in the kitchen, on top of the TV set, in the shower, in the women's restroom, and occasionally EVEN IN BED while her jerk husband is lurking around downstairs, watching cable TV, while the whole world thinks the actor is a rapist, because they saw him on TV acting out the PART of a rapist on one of those "America's Most Wanted"-type shows.
"Liquid Dreams," the weird sci-fi flick about a high-rise where they get women all erotically juiced up in topless bars and then siphon endorphins out of their brains so they can bottle em as "peak experience" sex drugs. Great special effects that make the whole movie like being inside a combination of Disneyland, Leavenworth, and Geno's Topless Bar.
"The Unborn," killer-baby movie about a woman who gets juiced up with nuclear-strength baby-protein fertility steroids, and ends up with a miniature Hulk Hogan drawing geometic shapes on her stomach and ripping apart her intestines, until she runs off to a back-alley abortion specialist and says "Go ahead--tell me I'm glowing."
BEST SEQUEL
"Barbarian Queen II," the story of a big-breasted Amazon with poufy blonde hair who joins a band of warrior Amazon women with enormous hooters and cute little leather fighting bikinis and leads a peasant revolt against the corrupt castle-dwelling rulers until she is recaptured and chained up and gets her blouse ripped off several times.
"Basket Case III," latest in the handicapped-rights series starring the world's most famous gnarly-squashed-octopus-Siamese-twin-in-a-basket, in which Duane and Belial go down South and visit "Little Hal," a 3,000-pound six-armed Jello mold with acne. A combination of "Alien," "The Terminator II," and "The Chef Boyardee Pasta Jubilee Show."
"The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid: Class of Nuke 'Em High, Part 3," in which a subhumanoid high school student is impregnated by a giant puking mutant squirrel and soon after gives birth to subhumanoid mutant twins, one of which is stolen by an evil lady professor with a six-foot-high beehive hairdo and her one-eyed Ph.D. cohort and their fat Sumo wrestler sidekick.
"Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth," with the kinky sex demons from hell recruiting depraved disco owners and attacking entire dance floors full of leering singles, ripping their flesh off with steel hooks, and leaving them wailing in little clumps of black leather and ankle chains.
"The Terror Within II," starring a couple of veiny lizard-legged monsters with bloody hair nets growing out of the sides of their skulls, trying to rape the remaining female population of planet Earth in order to produce even MORE Mucus Beasts, rampaging through the countryside and attempting to breed with Stella Stevens.
BEST FOREIGN FLICK
"Project A-ko," hooters-and-twisted-metal cartoon from Yokohama about a bubblehead 17-year-old at an all-girl high school who is so cute and giggly that two girls start fighting over her, and then all three of them put on leather hot pants and battle giant robots while the bubblehead sneaks into an alien space ship through a stinky laundry room, fights a she-male samurai, and makes her way to the bridge where an alcoholic enemy commander is screaming "Booze! I need booze!" Directed by Katuhiko Nishijima.
"Heaven & Earth," one of the greatest samurai picture ever made, about these two samurai warriors in the 16th century who were so evenly matched that neither one of em could ever defeat the other one, and so they constantly fought this chess match, using the lives of warriors, priests, women and children as pieces. Featuring battle scenes that use as many as 10,000 extras.
"Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil," Canadian version of "The Exorcist" about a demon-possessed mass-murdering priest chained up in the dungeon of a church for 34 years until he gets loose one day and starts ordering teenager-on-a-stick.
BEST ACTOR
Dennis Hopper, "Back Track," as a hitman who spends all his time staring at Polaroids of Jodie Foster in her underwear and making squeaky noises on a tenor saxophone until he can steal her lingerie, handcuff her, put a gun to her head, dress her up like a hooker, and convince her of what a wonderful life together they can have together.
Richard Roundtree, "Forced To Fight," as the non-violent jailhouse lawyer in a daishiki who rules the prison with the pure force of his personality, who says "I never met a nigger, Clint--I don't know what a nigger looks like."
Andren Scott, "Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend," as Marcus Templeton, a guy so depressed that he sits in his bathtub for hours with the phone sitting on the commode, eats frozen dinners and Slim Jims, watches porno strippers on cable in his underwear, buys a jar of "Reduce-o-cream" ("as safe as any garden vegetable") to make himself more attractive to women, tries to talk to women who are repulsed by him, considers a "Wonder Corset," wonders if someday he'll become a serial killer or whether he's currently insane, goes to the library to research the subject, and calls girls up for dates with opening lines like "We could go to lunch. There's a Sinclair station near your house that has sandwiches on sale for $1.49."
Marc Singer, "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time," as a sensitive animal-loving barbarian who gets sucked into modern El Lay through a time warp, where he survives fire, wild beasts, and a deadly laser gun, but is finally vanquished by the powerful creature Stinky Sequel Scriptus.
Webb Wilder, "Corn Flicks," as a puddin-faced marble-mouthed hipster who wears a zoot suit and looks like he hangs out in Austin vegetarian bars a lot, raving about flying saucer conspiracies, dropping acid, and worshipping Elvis--sort of like the National Enquirer with a guitar.
BEST BAD GUY
Doug Bradley, "Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth," as Pinhead, the guy with the nails in his face who's becoming more famous than Freddy Krueger, for saying "Appetite sated, desire indulged" and "I am offering you a place at my right hand--flesh, power, dominion."
James Carver, "Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil," as Father Jonas the psycho demon-possessed priest who sneaks up on high school couples who are IN FLAGRANTE AARDVARKUS, slashes their throats with a giant crucifix switchblade, burns them up, goes back to a secret cave in the bowels of the monastery and watches his hands and feet bleed while he prays "Help me, Holy Father, to save the sluts and whores."
Wings Hauser, "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time," as the evil overlord Arklon, for wearing a lame "Phantom of the Opera" mask throughout the whole movie and for saying stuff like "I don't like it--bring the witch!" and "I shall feed on your memories and know all that you know" and "Oh gods of war and thunder, show me the way to my kingdom!"
Mitchell Laurance, "The Runestone," as a giant Norse god that hangs around Soho killing pretentious Yuppies at art gallery openings and wearing a bear suit because Joan Severance broke up with him and moved to Maine.
M. Emmet Walsh, as a truly disgusting hillbilly vampire, who smells bad, never shaves, goes around town hacking the heads off tourists whenever he gets thirsty, saying, "Only got two choices--kill em or convert em."
BEST ACTRESS
Candice Daly, "Liquid Dreams," as the blond from Kansas who shows up one day trying to find her sister, only to discover her dead body in a bathtub with giant "extraction marks" in her neck, so she gets a job as a "taxi dancer" (girls who dance with lonely guys for money) in the same building.
Nikki de Boer, "Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil," as the good Catholic church who prepares to lose her virginity on prom night, but ends up battling Father Jonas to the death instead, for being one of the greatest screamers in film history, and for saying "Forgive me, Father, for how much fun I'm going to have tonight."
Jodie Foster, "Back Track," as an "environmental artist" who witnesses a mob murder and gets kidnapped by Dennis Hopper and forced to wear six different outfits from Victoria's Secret until she says "Men have no imagination" and teaches him how to REALLY get her attention.
Stepfanie Kramer, "Twin Sisters," as the Beverly Hills housewife who goes to visit her identical-twin sister in Montreal, only to discover she's a dead thousand-dollar-a-trick call girl--and so she puts on lipstick, dangly jewelry, a skin-tight Spandex mini-skirt, heads for a secret disco, and says "Let's boogie."
Brinke Stevens, "Teenage Exorcist," as the kinky demon-possessed gal who rents a house from a brain-damaged street person, gets attacked by a haunted party dress, and ends up vamping around, wearing a dog collar and black lingerie, flogging a pizza boy with a riding crop and discussing the meaning of life with a mucus-faced goat monster who lives in her basement.
BREAST ACTRESS
Sheila Caan, "Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell," as a Las Vegas anthropologist running across the desert in her ripaway Frederick's-of-Hollywood underwear while being chased by murdering satanists in black hoods and robes.
Ava Cadell, "Hard Hunted," as the radio sex-show hostess who always wears a leopard-skin Spandex bikini over her Cadells in the broadcast booth.
Cameron, "Sunset Strip," as the experienced exotic-dancing star Crystal, who trains the shy new kid night and day, teaching her how to strip as though her life depended on it.
Lana Clarkson, "Barbarian Queen II," the only blonde barbarian Amazon leader with a Southern California accent in history, refusing to bathe, frolicking in the forest with her cardboard sword, and threatening to fall out of her flowing chiffon nightgown as she screams "Nobody is going to make a lady out of me!" at the evil king who keeps her in the dungeon and threatens her with death unless she reveals the secret of the scepter.
Michelle Clunie, "Sunset Strip," a young topless-dancer so determined to "make it" as a topless rock-band singer that she falls in with the wrong people and ends up getting murdered--inspiring others to become the best they can be, in honor of the best damn little dead stripper they ever knew.
Melanie Coll, "Lust For Freedom," as the dimwit girl karate expert ex-cop who finds herself in a prison in the middle of the desert where she's framed on drug charges, drugged, beaten, abused and molested, but she can't figure out whether she's being mistreated or is just not fully informed about modern prison procedure.
Michelle Foreman, "Sunset Strip," as the sensitive young interpretive-jazz dancer who gets booed on amateur night at the strip club for being a klutz and forgetting to TAKE OFF HER CLOTHES, but makes a comeback with the kind help of four very special people in her life who are determined that someday she'll have the courage and the drive and the ambition to stand up for herself and rip off all her clothes in a room full of strangers.
Tina Louise Hilbert, "Basket Case III," as the nympho sheriff's daughter who locks Duane up in the jail and puts on a leather corset and says, "You're an animal, Duane, but I'm an animal, too, and I know how to handle animals like you."
Sally Kirkland, "In the Heat of Passion," as a psychotherapist who falls out of her dress in every scene and chews celery in closeup, for saying "Don't you know that shrinks are the craziest people?" and "Show me what a BAD girl I've been."
Marta Kober, "Inside Out: Erotic Tales of the Unexpected," as the woman who really sat what she's REALLY thinking when she has sex.
Marla Maples, "Marla Maples Journey To Fitness," for investing in a pair of hot-orange bicycle pants and working that inner thigh, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Becky Mullen, "Hard Hunted," as the coffee-serving bikini-clad braodcast assistant who waits in the hot tub between coffee breaks.
Dona Speir, "Hard Hunted," four-time Breast Actress winner, as the undercover federal agent who gets kidnapped, then blows up a plane, then hits her head on a rock and is captured by smugglers, but she has amnesia and so she aardvarks on the beach with a gangster.
Lisa Star, "The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid: Class of Nuke 'Em High, Part 3," as the big-haired wetnurse and wife who tells the hero she wants to help him study for his entomology exam because she likes to be "up all night cramming."
Brinke Stevens, "Hollywood Scream Queen Hot Tub Party," for taking the most gratuitous shower in drive-in history.
Frankie Thorn, "Liquid Dreams," as the sultry exotic dancer who explains the rules of life at Neuro-Vid, where they sell weird-sex videos to the Japanese, and then becomes an oversexed zombie sex performer who says "It was like this big feast, and I was the main course."
Charlene Tilton, "Deadly Bet," for wearing a lot of strapless dresses that she threatens to fall out of at any moment, and for having absolutely nothing to do in the movie except to say, "I like Rico--he's good to me."
Roberta Vasquez, "Hard Hunted," as the undercover federal agent forced to fly to Sedona, Arizona, and do deadly battle with a mini-Black Thunder helicopter equipped with rockets and flown by a mad Asian named Raven.
Cec Verrell, "Inside Out: Erotic Tales of the Unexpected," as the woman who likes to dress up in red micro-skirts and high heels and say, "I wanted every man to want me."
Barbara Alyn Woods, "Inside Out: Erotic Tales of the Unexpected," as the woman who goes up to an artist and says "Your paintings turn me on" and ends up getting herself body-painted by the guy.
Kari Wuhrer, "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time," as an El Lay bimbo in a Mazda Miata who's driving too fast and zooms through a brick wall and lands in the ancient desert where Arklon's army is trying to kill the Beastmaster and gets kidnapped by the evil Arklon who wants her to take him to the 20th century so he can hear her say "Way rad!" a lot.
BEST KUNG FU
Pan Qingfu, "Iron & Silk," the kung fu master who can twirl one of those ten-foot lances like an LSU majorette and is about as close as they come to the Rudolf Nureyev of Chopsocky, who says stuff like "In martial arts you hit with the eyes."
Mark Salzman, "Iron & Silk," as the world's first martial-arts weenie, a guy with a voice like Mickey Mouse after a prostate exam, who goes to China in 1982, teaches English to a bunch of Chinese teachers, begs his way into a kung fu class, falls in love with a Chinese girl but knows it can never be because their cultures are too different, gets in trouble with the kung fu teacher, makes up with him, suffers racial discrimination for having a big nose, comes home.
Don "The Dragon" Wilson, "Forced To Fight," a half-Japanese, half-Anglo kung-fu champeen, who got thrown into prison because "They didn't like the color of my skin."
Jeff Wincott, "Deadly Bet," as a gambling addict alcoholic kung-fu champion who spends about 80 per cent of the movie either getting drunk, getting the bejabbers beat out of him, beating the bejabbers out of somebody else, or begging Charlene Tilton to take him back.
BEST DIALOGUE
James Avery, "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time": "What you're trying to tell me, Bendowski, is that there's some stranger running around with a laser beam blowing brassieres off mannequins?"
Brick Bronsky, "The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid: Class of Nuke 'Em High, Part 3": "I had this sex dream in which two extremely trendy well-dressed lesbian spirits exhorted me."
Melanie Coll, "Lust For Freedom": "Cops were dying all over the place, and all I could do was act like a woman. . . . I awakened, sopping wet and nauseous."
Jeff Conaway, "Sunset Strip": "Come on, make him squeal like a pig."
Brad Dourif, "Body Parts": "Just listen to what your arm's saying to you, man."
Terry Farrell, "Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth": "I just walked into madness for you! Talk!"
Lisa Gaye, "The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid: Class of Nuke 'Em High, Part 3": "Check focus on her melon-heavy breasts."
Ron Jeremy, "They Bite": "Think of yourself as an archetypal representation of your sex."
James Karen, "The Unborn": "Rupture of the navel is common during pregnancy."
Harrison Leduke, "Laser Moon": "Paper or plastic? I don't know anymore."
Alex MacArthur, "Rampage": "I never meant to hurt him--I needed his blood."
Marla Maples, "Marla Maples Journey To Fitness": "Lift the heels toward the ceiling."
Isabella Rossellini, "Lies of the Twins": "Oh, James, you're very rough."
Peter Riegert, "The Runestone": "It takes more than a Norse god and a mythological beast to get me."
Richard Romanus, "To Protect and Serve": "Your father cried like an old woman, you know, right before I put the bullet in his head."
Annie Ross, "Basket Case III": "Sewing him back on like that wasn't the answer, Duane."
Andren Scott, "Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend": "At least this is better than my last job, changing those aromatic urinal cakes."
Crystal Shaw, "Laser Moon," who tells her lover: "Can you feed my cat on the way out?"
Marc Singer, "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time": "Where I come from, the only thing virgins are good for is sacrifice."
Dona Speir, "Hard Hunted," who thrusts a machete through a double-agent's chest while saying: "We were never lovers! I faked an orgasm!"
Richard Steinmetz, "Liquid Dreams": "When I want your advice, I'll scrape it off the sidewalk."
Brinke Stevens, "Teenage Exorcist": "I'm so helpless here you could do anything you wanted to me."
Stella Stevens, "The Terror Within II": "It's a mutant sperm of some sort, forcing its way into the embryo, fusing with it, battling for genetic dominance!"
Robert Tessier, "Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell": "Sanctify my potency, that I may fertilize this blaspheming slut."
Lawrence Tierney, "The Runestone": "Well, I say it's a big guy in a bullet-proof dog suit."
Webb Wilder, "Corn Flicks," who sings a song about Elvis with the lyric: "If you don't think he was number one, then you're full of number two."
BEST DIRECTOR
Ronnie Cramer, "Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend."
Rodman Flender, "The Unborn" and "In the Heat of Passion."
Haruki Kadokawa, "Heaven & Earth."
Mark Manos, "Liquid Dreams."
Oley Sassone, "Forced To Fight."
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Recycling Alert! The Starlite Drive-In in Spokane, Wash., was closed in 1984, and with $750,000 from the sale of the land, former owner Walt Hefner financed and directed a horror movie called "The Ghosting," starring actors from the Spokane Civic Theatre. It took him seven years to finish the movie, but it finally premiered last Halloween. We traded one drive-in for one movie? I don't know about this. The drive-in will never die, but sometimes people commit suicide.
To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and his world-famous "We Are the Weird" newsletter, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob,
Is Burl Ives alive or dead?
By the way, when I was in the Corps, there was a guy we called "Big Daddy Dumas". Just like the Burl-man's character in "Cat," PFC Dumas had a more immense-than-average patriarchal presence.
Yours for the next few commercials,
Sgt. Doug Pitts
U.S. Marine Corps (ret.)
San Francisco
Dear
Doug:
The Burl Man, like the drive-in, will never die. You live in San Francisco. You should know that Burl is the ORIGINAL beatnik. We still dig the cat.
Dear Joe Bob,
We here at Arizona State think you're great.
What's your opinion on green Jello and its role in Earth Day?
Keep up the great work!
Peter Pihl
Arizona State University
Tempe, Ariz.
Dear
Peter:
I'm opposed to Jello because it's
non-biodegradable.
Even if it wasn't, I'm sick of Bill Cosby making cute faces.
Ground control to Joe Bob:
Ever notice that Maria Callas played backwards sounds like Charlie Callas?
I am the Wal-Mart
Gnawing towards the center of your mind, Tex.
Justin Reed
Phoenix
Dear
Justin:
Obviously, I am your Target.
Karookookakoo.
Joe Bob,
Sorry to hear about drive-in fave David Gale. You should've printed a photo of his most memorable scene--the one from the classic "Re-Animator" in which he has drive-in fave/Scream Queen and your choice for the most beautiful woman ever to appear in a drive-in movie, Barbara Crampton, nekkid and strapped to a table, while he's headless! And surrounded by re-animated corpses no less!
Your number one fan,
Wes Pierce
Orlando, Fla.
Dear
Wes:
The leering psychotic face of David Gale will be missed by us all. He was fast becoming the Vincent Price of the nineties at the time he died onstage in New York.
Joe Bob,
Whatsa matter with you? The Dallas Slimes Herald goes belly up and nary a comment? No retorts for the high sheriffs who cost you your job (but in retrospect, I suppose did you a favor)? At the very least, you should set them all up with cushy jobs on your newsletter, get them used to a high standard of living again, and then CAN 'EM!
Just a thought,
Ed Pickett
Albany, N.Y.
Dear
Ed:
Are you suggesting that I should act
vindictively or in bitterness toward my past employers, now fallen on hard
times?
You're right. How can I make em feel WORSE?
© 1993 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved