"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 9/25/92
cutline: She's luscious, she's blonde, she's chained up like an animal, in "Lust For Freedom," the bimbos-behind-bars oldie starring Melanie Coll.
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
Does this ever happen to you?
You're bopping along, minding your own business, and--WHAP!--one of your friends become born again.
You listen to his story, the same way you listen to somebody tell you how he took his transmission apart. It's not something YOU wanna do, but you can kind of admire him for doing something different.
But then, all of a sudden, you realize the REASON your friend is telling you this story--because, now that he's born again, he plans to destroy everything in his life that's in YOUR life.
"I won't be going to THOSE movies anymore, Joe Bob," he tells you.
And you're thinking, "Wait a minute, I thought we were talking about GOD here."
And he explains to you that how, now that his life belongs to God, he can't be parking his holy carcass in any drive-in movie lot. God wouldn't approve.
"What if they were showing 'The Ten Commandments'?"
Then he MIGHT approve. In fact, if you make a list of movies God WOULD approve of, you get some of the all-time movie borefests. God evidently only likes movies that will put you into a coma.
"And I won't be going to the topless bars anymore," your born-again friend says.
"God hates women?"
No, as it turns out, God hates beautiful NEKKID women.
So I try to be understanding. "Well, I hope you're able to find a wonderful ugly girl who wears wool sweaters up to her chin. Maybe yall can get married."
And, of course, it goes without saying that the guy won't be drinking anymore. Most of them say they have to cancel their subscription to my newsletter, or stop reading my column. And so, after a while, you start to get paranoid. Because what they're saying is that God dislikes ME. Specifically.
"Isn't there some place in the Bible that says, if I'm a miserable lost sinner, you're supposed to treat me like a little lamb that wandered off in the woods or something? I mean, refusing to read my column--isn't that kinda like saying I'm this leper that might POLLUTE your very being?"
And they say something like, "Joe Bob, if you would accept Jesus into your life right now, then you would understand everything?"
And I say, "The J-Man? I LOVE the J-Man. Not the Willem Dafoe New York version either. I love the whole nine yards. And one thing I like about the guy--he loved hookers, and I love hookers."
But by this time it's too late to make jokes, because what your friend is really saying is "Sayonara."
To which I wanna say this: If God doesn't understand how funny everything is, then he's not much of a God, is he?
And speaking of a movie that born-agains will HATE--stop reading now if you're a practicing Babtist--they finally brought out the video version of "Lust For Freedom," the bimbos-in-cages classic from the mid-eighties about the dimwit girl karate expert ex-cop who finds herself in a prison in the middle of the desert where she's framed on drug charges, drugged, beaten, abused and molested, but she can't figure out whether she's being mistreated or is just not fully informed about modern prison procedure.
Melanie Coll is the star bimbo (this was the first in a series of one starring role for Melanie), and she does that great deadpan narration throughout the movie: "Cops were dying all over the place, and all I could do was act like a woman. . . . I awakened, sopping wet and nauseous."
She's an undercover cop whose partner and fiance gets wasted in a drug-bust shootout, causing Melanie to crumble into a little heap of fake eyelashes on the floor. Pretty soon she's packed all her stuff and decided to "drive around aimlessly for days." Unfortunately, she drives into a county where the sheriff rounds up unattached young women, frames them and puts them in prison, so the evil warden Maxwell can sell them to perverts. Meanwhile, while in custody, they're tortured by the sadistic matron played by Judi Trevor, chained up, hosed down, pawed by lesbos, kung-fued, checked with a rubber glove, probed, examined, and sometimes taken into the countryside by the guards for "parties." Then, in the last five minutes, the girls kill all the monster males and lesbo sadists and escape and get married.
In other words, classic women-in-prison.
Thirty-two dead bodies. Seventeen breasts. Two motor vehicle chases, with crash and burn. Two explosions. Gangster flinging. Spurting blood. Girls running around the desert in strapless evening gowns. Windex-in-the-eyes. Boyfriend set on fire. Chains. Whips. Sex at the point of a crossbow. Snuff films. Five Kung Fu scenes. Bimbo Fu. Lesbo Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Elizabeth Carlisle, as Vicky the smart-mouthed inmate, who says "I've been knocked down and insulted--I'm hot and dirty--I'm calling it a day"; and Melanie Coll, the bimbo with a heart of gold.
Two stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Republican Alert! The 41 Outdoor Drive-In, on Route 41 in the Robertsdale section of Hammond, Ind., has vanished off the face of the earth, to be replaced by a yellow metal building. No details available, but Tracy Levin of El Paso reminds us that, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob's world-famous "We Are the Weird" newsletter, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob,
"Whiskey voiced"? Merlot voiced, maybe. Or Cabernet voiced. Or even Night Train voiced. But whiskey voiced? Never. (Well, hardly ever. Scotch voiced sometimes.)
Thanks for the mention in your review of "Campfire Tales." I enjoy reading "We Are The Weird." Keep it up--and keep in touch, will you? We worry about you.
Sincerely,
Gunnar Hansen
Northeast Harbor, Me.
Dear
Gunnar:
When Leatherface starts worrying about your personal well-being, you've been doing the same job too long.
Dear Joe Bob,
Lissen, Joe Bob, I need help bad. I got a postcard from you and suddenly I flashed on the fact that I've moved.
A few inquiries have revealed that I'm a student in The Graduate Theological Union, Pacific School of Religion, here in Berkeley, for Christ's sake . . . or at least you get what I mean.
Dunno, Joe Bob. Last thing I remember is reading something about exploding breasts, but that must have been some time ago.
So GET ME OUT OF HERE! These Christians smile all the time, but they have no sense of humor and, anyway, this is all your fault.
P.S. I could use a copy of "We Are The Weird" for exegesis.
Sincerely,
Jim Bob Hannay
Berkeley, Calif.
Dear
Jim Bob:
Nothing wrong with getting credentials for preaching that drive-in gospel, but if you use my newsletter for "exegesis," I'll have you sent to the Betty Ford Clinic.
Dear Joe Bob,
Some weeks I just couldn't survive without your wonderful wacky humor--and thought perhaps you'd like a drive-in informant in Germany.
Number of drive-ins has been sliced in half, from high of 14 in the sixties to seven struggling for survival, hoping to lure in 900 to 1100 autos after dark.
First German drive-in, nearby Gravenbruch, opened in 1959, used to sell out for American and foreign films. Business has dipped down as couch potatoes opt for video. Aardvarking and blood-and-gore stuff permitted only for late movies at the drive-ins, while anything goes on the sofa at home.
Avoiding bankruptcy or supermarket takeover involves renting drive-ins to auto sales concessionaire on Saturdays (this is banned on Sundays under country's blue-law codes). Other problems posed--customers who haul away heating units and loud speakers, and thieves making off with beer and wurst.
A far-flung fan,
Hazel Guild
"Variety" Correspondent
Frankfurt, Germany
Dear
Hazel:
Are you telling me they're LOOTING the
drive-ins in Germany?
And I thought WE had problems.
Joe Bob,
You made a big mistake on the Anita Hill issue. The key factor is not how long it took Hill to blow the whistle on Thomas, but the fact that the investigative committee came to Hill, not the other way around. After all, Thomas was being considered as a nominee to the Supreme Court. Would you want Thomas sitting in judgment of your actions? If your home boy Bush gets elected for another four years this might not be as far-fetched as you think!
I used to think that you stood for some kind of "truth" in the land where the Big Lie is king. Now I've got serious doubts.
Sincerely,
Bill Haden
Grass Valley, Calif.
Dear
Bill:
"My" home boy Bush?
Surely you josh.
My only point was that Anita had ten
years to get her courage up. Thomas had ten minutes to figure out what was
going on.
We also have a thing in America called "fair play."
Dear Joe Bob,
Regarding the letter from Kurt Spradel of Seattle:
LISTEN to the man. He KNOWS!
The BMW 2002 tii IS sacred. There's been nothing else like it these past 20 years. Hell, there are people out here who write to you only because your P.O. Box is 2002.
If this isn't a religion it is at least a cult.
Best!
Eddie Hardman
Orlando, Fla.
Dear
Eddie:
A Hemi Cuda I can understand. I think
there's even a place in this world for a Japanese Monster Truck. But a BMW!
Life is passing me by.
I'm hopelessly dated.
© 1992 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved