"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 9/18/92

cutline: In case you don't recognize them, the stars of "Hollywood Scream Queens Hot Tub Party" are (butts out) Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer, (butts together) Monique Gabrielle and Roxanne Kernohan, and (no butt) Kelli Maroney.

By Joe Bob Briggs

Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas

In this year of the "erotic thriller," people keep asking me my opinion of who the sexiest Scream Queen is.

Lemme splain something here.

It's two different things.

An actress who stars in an "erotic thriller" is the VILLAIN.

An actress who stars in a horror flick is the HEROINE.

It's different as night and day. The star of a horror flick--and they're ALWAYS women--defeats the psycho killer. The female star of an "erotic thriller" IS the psycho killer.

I'm surprised I have to explain this to you people.

Every actress is either one or the other. Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, Linda Blair, Monique Gabrielle--always Scream Queens. Shannon Tweed, Kathy Shower, Sybil Danning--always demon-possessed manipulative Ex-Wives From Hell. Occasionally you find an actress who can cross over and play both the Scream Queen AND the Devouring Fantasy Woman. Offhand the only one I can think of is Wendy MacDonald, star of "Legal Tender" (whining bitch), "Naked Obsession" (manipulative bitch), and "Dark Side of the Moon" (Sigourney Weaver-type scream queen).

The other thing you should know is that the age of the Scream Queen may be nearing its end. After last year's two ultimate parody films, "Tower of Terror" and "Sorority House Massacre 2," it's gonna be hard to ever take a limping, whimpering Jamie Lee Curtis-type seriously again.

But, since I'm asked about this so much, here's the list anyhow. The top ten Scream Queens for the nineties:

1. Linnea Quigley: Ever since she was a punk zombie, dancing nekkid on the tombstone in "Return of the Living Dead," Linnea has been the first choice among screamers. She is also the LOUDEST screamer I've ever heard. The guys love her because of her All-American girl-next-door looks, and her accessibility. She hangs out at all the horror fan conventions.

2. Brinke Stevens: The intellectual among Scream Queens, Brinke is an ex-marine biologist who often writes and produces her movies, like the recent "Teenage Exorcist." She has dark Mongolian eyes that drive us all wild.

3. Monique Gabrielle: The star of "Emmanuelle V" is pure sex. She loves to vamp for the camera. The amazing thing is that she's more erotic today than she was ten years ago.

4. Wendy MacDonald: The best pure actress in the B movies.

5. Ginger Lynn Allen: Another one who can be both a Scream Queen and a Devouring Woman, she becomes a better actress each year and may become the first woman ever to SUCCESSFULLY cross over from X-rated to R-rated films.

6. Maria Ford: Has only made a few movies, including "Naked Obsession" and "Ring of Fire," but the guys love her, maybe because she seems so shy. She's also the best erotic dancer (a useful Scream Queen skill).

7. Linda Blair: Still screaming after all these years. Her movie, "Red Heat," from the mid-eighties is probably the best women-in-prison picture ever made.

8. Michelle Bauer: A perfect body. No further explanation needed.

9. Edy Williams: The oldest scream queen who can still get away with it, ripping her clothes off at least 19 times in the 1990 classic "Bad Girls From Mars."

10. Roxanne Kernohan: On the list for one scene only. Remember in "Critters 2" when she changes from a space alien into her luscious nekkid self? Whoa!

Please clip this out and keep it in your wallet at all times. I do NOT wanna have to repeat myself.

And speaking of Scream Queens, we have here a new video called "Hollywood Scream Queen Hot Tub Party," which, as you know, is not the first movie to combine hot tubbing and screaming--but it IS the only movie ever made with five scream queens in the SAME hot tub.

Actually, what we've got here is a collection of clips and gags based around the idea that five professional screamers show up at a haunted house in Hollywood, decide to order a ouija board, change into Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie, get scared, sit around in the hot tub together, and hold a "seminar" on the art of low-budget movies.

Could it be? Is it? YES! It's the mind of master exploitation filmmakers Arch "Remove Your Tops, Please, Ladies" Stanton and Bill "Bug Eyes" Carson. Subtle they're not. Their idea of a transition is to have one of the actresses say, "Remember the time I was in 'Slumber Party Massacre'?"--cut to clip from "Slumber Party Massacre."

In other words, a despicable excuse to watch a lot of young starlets rip off their clothes once every two minutes.

My kinda movie.

Eighty-one breasts. Twelve dead bodies. Gratuitous lingerie. Gratuitous bikinis. Footage from "Slumber Party Massacre," "Sorority House Massacre II," "Tower of Terror," "Emmanuelle V," "Evil Toons," "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers." Kung Fu. Chainsaw Fu. Hot pants Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Michelle Bauer, for saying "No screaming unless you get paid for it" and dancing with a chainsaw; Monique Gabrielle, for demonstrating the "Dance of the Vampires"; and Roxanne Kernohan, for having laundry-room sex with an ugly zombie mutant.

Two and a half stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS

Victory Over Communism! The R-C Fredericksburg Drive-In on Lafayette Boulevard in Fredericksburg, Md., continues to hang in there despite heavy development in the area, causing the atmosphere to be invaded by a lot of extra light sources, putting a lot of glare on the screen. Bill Menke, vice president of the Virginia Division of R-C Theaters, vows to fight the light menace. Roland S. Sweet of Alexandria, Va., reminds us that, with eternal vigilance, the drive-in will never die. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob's world-famous "We Are the Weird" newsletter, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.

Dear Mr. Briggs,

I read your reviews weekly in the San Francisco Chronicle, so I was hoping to write something witty in order to get my letter printed. I'm still trying to think of something.

Thanks,

Tom Grenache

Chico, Calif.

Dear Tom:

You lucked out.

Dear Joe Bob,

Being stationed overseas I do not get to see your columns very often. Unfortunately, this means I miss some very good advice. A letter from a person for the ethical treatment of animals recently wrote to you about your column on turkey hunting. They said imagine you are in a bar when a beautiful women lures you over. She lifts her skirt to show you some silky thigh. As you approach she blows your brains all over the bar.

I obviously missed an informative article about turkey hunting. Do you hunt with this tactic? Do turkeys find your thighs attractive for some reason? How would they know?

I've never been hunting this way and would like to find out more about it.

Sincerely,

B. Gray

U.S. Air Force

Misawa, Japan

Dear B.:

It only works with transvestite turkeys.

Dear Joe Bob,

Hi ya! We just wanted to drop you a line to let you know how deeply we appreciate your reviews. We were also wondering how your "Save the Drive-In Theaters" campaign is working.

The purpose of this letter is to ask you two mind-boggling questions that have kept us awake for years pondering the answers.

1. Within the last month, Beth has been collecting the tabs off aluminum cans. As of right now, she has 1,582. The reason she collects these tabs is because there is a myth floating around that if you fill up a jug (milk carton) full of these tabs you will receive 70 dollars. She'll soon see if this is true. Back to the original point, we were thinking the other day about how many tabs have surrounded us in our lifetime and we never knew it. That started us thinking about how many other things we are around on a regular basis that we never pay attention to. Where would we be without these simple items? We think it's time we gave them credit and started paying attention to the money-making potential that these unnoticed items could bring. Any suggestions on what we could use?

2. If they had had electricity when America was discovered, what song would be playing?

We are awaiting your answers with such intensity that our ears are starting to bleed.

P.S. By the way, we had a male type this for us. Female power fu.

P.P.S. Out of all the different advice givers (Ann Landers, Abigail Van Buren, Dr. Ruth), how come you're the only one with a decent haircut?

Sincerely your two biggest fans (no "Misery" pun intended),

Beth Greenwood & Barb Santella

Dallas

Dear Beth and Barb:

I've started collecting empty toilet paper rolls, because I thought to myself one day, "How come we saved these and used them for their proper purpose--namely, pretending they were trumpets--until we were ten years old, and then we stopped doing it? How many toilet paper rolls have we simply IGNORED since then?" Pretty soon I'll have enough for a whole symphony orchestra.

And if we had electricity when America was discovered, the song would be "Stairway To Heaven." What else?

Dear Joe Bob,

I'm writing on this bag because it is in front of me and I had to act fast. I just read "Let 'Em Go, Gorby," "What To Do In A Depression," and "Read My Lips--Witch Hunt." They are pieces of genius, inspiration, and TRUTH, executed with the mightiest sword. As an artist, who is more visually than literally oriented, I am grateful to those who are adept in expressing their thoughts that I share.

Having just returned from a walk down the main street of the town where I grew up, I needed a lift. I was among vacant buildings, filth, drugged and disoriented people, and stores going out of business on a street that used to be filled with activity from lively people. Drugs, the suburbs and poverty have nearly killed it. I also met people who were enamored of the memories I had, and were pursuing visions of "things getting better." I am photocopying your articles, with your name and address as author, of course, and sending it to my local and national "government representatives." Just perhaps it will help to rub a few brain cells together for them.

I like your style. "Keep up the good work." If you are ever in my neck of the woods, call me.

Sincerity is best,

Suzette Green

Palm Beach, Fla.

Dear Suzette:

My deep dark guilty secret is that, in my heart, I'm really the world's biggest optimist. I appreciate the support.

Dear Joe Bob,

I'm 72 going on 73 and am having a bitch of a time finding anything to chuckle about as I read The Dallas Morning News, the New York Times, and the Wall Street Journal.

I go to the local car wash once a week (whether my car is dirty or not) to pick up your column.

Cheers!

Paul Green

Dallas

Dear Paul:

I've heard people say that everything gets MUCH funnier when you turn 73.

Hang in there.

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