Bikini Island

"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 9/27/91

cutline: The first half of "Bikini Island." (Later she actually stands up.)

By Joe Bob Briggs

Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas

I had this dream the other night where I saw Sam Kinison murder Dr. Seuss.

It was horrible. Kinison was strung out on crystal meth and he was screaming, "You screwed up my LIFE! I HATE Yertle the Turtle! I wanna THROW UP every time I hear one of those rhymes!"

And Dr. Seuss was just kinda laying back, smoking a pipe in the corner, saying things like,

"You misunderstand me, my corpulent Sam,

"You are what you are, I am what I am."

And Sam would say, "THAT WHAT'S I MEAN, YOU MUSH-HEAD! YOU CALL THAT POETRY! THEY'VE GOT MONKEYS TYPING ON IBM SELECTRICS THAT CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!"

And this wouldn't bother Dr. Seuss a bit:

"Have a seat, take a chair,

"Quit your grumping around,

"Take a breath, fix your hair,

"Stop that bellowing sound."

And this would make Sam even MORE mad, till he just started screaming "NO WONDER YOU CAN ONLY RELATE TO ZOO ANIMALS! YOU'RE A HACK!"

And then a very, very strange thing happened. The two men suddenly started to communicate. The louder Sam Kinison got, the louder Dr. Seuss got. But the louder Dr. Seuss got, the QUIETER Sam Kinison got. And pretty soon they were both talking at the same level.

"You ever considered barber-shop school?" said Kinison.

"You are droll, you are witty,

"But your jokes are not pretty."

And then, I don't know if it was the crystal meth or the situation or some brain vessels going haywire, but suddenly Kinison trips out and starts RHYMING!

"Have you met my ex-wife?

"What a dud, what a slut,

"Her IQ was less

"Than the width of her butt."

And there was something about that particular rhyme that caused Dr. Seuss to break down. He couldn't STAND it. He said:

"You're glumping your gums

"In a most tacky way,

"If you can't speak politely,

"Then you shouldn't have anything to say."

And, when Dr. Seuss said that last line, he suddenly blushed, knowing that he had finally forced a rhyme by putting way TOO MANY SYLLABLES in it. And Sam Kinison started laughing like a hyena.

"You're not even scanning,

"You're a hack, you're a joke,

"Even rappers don't do that,

"Your rhymer is broke."

And Dr. Seuss was flustered, trying to get his composure back. And he started SCREAMING:

"You're a fat smelly creep,

"You're annoying, you're crude,

"So get out of my face

"And go shovel more food."

And even Sam Kinison was shocked. Because never in his entire life had Dr. Seuss ever put anybody down before. And it HURT Sam. It made him cry a little bit. He stared at his shoes for a minute and then he said:

"I meant you no harm,

"And I didn't intend

"To do anything more

"Than to make you my friend."

But Seuss was out of control now:

"Don't make me laugh!

"Oh, what a doozy!

"What I wouldn't give

"For a knife and an Uzi!

"I would slice you in half,

"Like a deer or a fish,

"Mount your head on my wall,

"Pull your legs. Make a wish!"

And that's about when Kinison lost it. He started screaming in iambic quadrameter about his ex-wives, his mother, the Pentecostal church, his girlfriend, and everybody who had ever fired him from a job.

"You were lying to me!

"I could CHANGE, your books said!

"I believed you before,

"Now I'll sit on your head."

And just as Sam started to sit on Dr. Seuss's head, I woke up in a cold sweat.

Two days later, Dr. Seuss was dead. I feel responsible.

And speaking of great American institutions, this week's movie "Bikini Island" is the story of a serial killer who is killing Sports Illustrated-type swimsuit models with a giant bathroom plunger. Drive-in movie scream queen Holly Floria goes to a cattle call, gets selected by some drooling sleazoids to be part of a swimsuit edition, takes a couple showers, roots around on the beach, and eventually battles a bow-and-arrow-wielding Bikini Bunny to the death. I hope no one out there is laughing, because this is "based in part on a true story." (I think the fictional part is the bow and arrow. The serial killer Bikini Bunny actually used poison darts.)

Eight dead bodies. Six breasts. Rubber-hose strangling. Cliff plunge. Slow-motion body oil rubbing. Live mouse devoured by a snake. Gratuitous volleyball. Kung Fu. Bimbo Fu. Plunger Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Seth Thomas, as the tough-talking magazine owner, for saying "I want those girls in the magazine, not in your bed!"; Sherry Jansen, as the cold-fish hair stylist, for saying "All right, ladies, let's dance!"; Jackson Robinson, as the sleazy producer, for saying "You probably don't believe this, but this is my firtst time with a model" and "I don't know what's going on here, but we are losing models left and right!"; Shannon Stiles, as the brunette bimbo, for saying "Everything turns me on!"; Alicia Anne Kowalski, as the tall bimbo with a killer crossbow, for saying "I guess I'm just a sore loser!"; and Anthony Markes, the director, for putting a song in the movie called "All the Palm Trees Are Smiling (on Bikini Island)."

One star.

Joe Bob says check it out.

JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS

Victory over Communism! The Kanopolis Drive-In in Kanopolis, Kan., had a banner year with "land office business," according to 71-year-old owner Tony Blazina, an ex-miner who built the theater himself in 1952. Christie Kennard of Mission, Kan., reminds us that, with eternal vigilance, the drive-in will never die. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and his world-famous "We Are the Weird" newsletter, write Joe Bob, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is 214-368-2310.

Joe Bob:

Have you ever thought about what will happen if God is a woman? We have, and we're really, really scared.

Blake H. Smith

John R. Meinkowsky

Austin, Tex.

Dear Blake and John:

I don't guess "I'll call you tomorrow" would work, would it?

Dear Joe Bob:

I have started this letter many times in my mind, but could not quite reach that special place a person needs to be when attempting to correspond with you, until now.

Bearing this in mind, I've decided to just start writing and let the juices flow (a condition you are obviously fond of.) I thought you might find it amusing to discover how people (me) came to know, and to a certain extent, admire you.

Picture in your personal VCR a beautiful, long-legged blond, brown, red and silver-haired creature stretching and prying herself loose from slumber to rise and face yet another day in sub-middle America. She feels a tension, an undefinable excitement, actually a hope that today will be different, fun, without her always having to provide the comic relief at work, in her social and family life. Everyone looks to her to brighten things up. This, of course, is a wonderful gift, she realizes, but oh how she yearns to hear someone who can make her laugh!

A lover of country, rock, soul, blues, jazz and Jimmy Buffet, she listens to the local "weird" station KPIG, Freedom, California, while driving to and being at work. Imagine her large luminous brown eyes bugging out when she heard the first Joe Bob Briggs Drive-In Movie and Video Tape Review! This person, with the voice that assaulted her sense, was speaking about horrible things in a very funny way! She has a name for this: Reverse Humor (copyrighted).

The man behind the ideas and voice was intriguing to her. She pictured him as a short, fat, balding guy with an extremely bad choice of interests (BBB), but the guts and humor to pull off his idea and show!

I would like to become Rod Serling now and interject a flashback.

Scene: Walking and galloping along the Pacific coast, a woman is seen emerging from the fog. Although she is not riding a horse, her gait is effortless and floating as if she were in some way combined with Equus. Her vision of the perfect man flies in and out of her mind. A tall man (for she is tall--five-ten). A man in black (her favorite non-color) with broad shoulders and slim hips. A man in boots and leather (she is a "cowgirl" herself). A man with dark hair and a strong profile. And the icing on this dream, a man with humor and creativity who is not afraid of expressing himself. The kind of man she has never met.

Return to present. She likes to "stay up" and watch Jay Leno. This is a very funny and sweet guy. This is a guy she can listen to and smile (not laugh mind you). On this important night she is lucky enough to hear Jay's guest list on the news!

What hoe!? Joe Bob is going to be a guest! She can't wait to see this voice with no taste and lots of humor. She can't wait to confirm her picture of him.

Luckily the woman (me) was reclining on her bed when you walked out. I'll tell you straight out Joe Bob, my mouth dropped open! The "voice" with this physical perfection? This physical perfection with these less than human interests? What am I to do?

That is when I decided to write to you, and point-blank explain this dilemma we've found myself in. (I used that trick language to let you know I realize what a burden your knowledge of influence the spoken voice has and also the part you play now that you have such a large audience.)

These people actually believe what you say and these "movies" are reality to them! I may be naive but I think a lot of your audience takes you for real!

Is it possible that a mortal with your gifts would continue to use them to encourage violence without thought, mindless titillation and looking for beasts when you are one!???

Joe Bob, I implore you, take these followers you have acquired and turn them towards helping their fellows/victims rather than making bloodshed a casual occurrence and breasts a goal to be seen, rather than a feature all mammals share that provides nutrients that sustain life. (Or a fun stimuli when used properly.) Concerning beasts, since when has a made-up mass murderer been any different than the evening NEWS?

JB, I am challenging you to use your gift to influence an untold population towards the goal of humanism! Instead of BBB, how about Be Aware, Be together, Be of one earth.

The talent you possess is too great to be wasted. The time of ignorance is over. You can be President of Non-Violence if you want.

I know I've just presented a "heavy trip" on you, but I also know you have already thought of this and I am just poking you in the butt. (I don't use a recliner. Neither do you.)

In closing I will say "I'll walk backwards, you'll think I'm leaving." But if you want to explore this, I remain.

Susan McKnight

Scotts Valley, Calif.

Dear Susan:

Lemme get this straight. You thought I was a yahoo. An entertaining yahoo, but a yahoo. Then you saw me go on "The Tonight Show" and act, basically, like a yahoo. But you thought I was a good-looking yahoo.

So now that I'm an entertaining yahoo and a good-looking yahoo, you think I should become the Yahoo Gandhi and create world peace.

Is that about it?

See, honey, you got to live in California to think that way.

Dear Joe Bob,

I know that you've heard some interesting observations about life in Papua New Guinea. But can a country that wants to re-open their one and only drive-in, the Skyline Drive-In, as well as a country that shows "Bonanza" reruns featuring your buddy Wayne Newton, be all that bad? Of course not, it's Joe Bob's paradise!

We're anxiously awaiting your visit!

Susan McGee

Boroko, Papua New Guinea

Dear Susan:

I won't have to eat human flesh or anything, will I?

Not that I'm prejudiced.

Yo, Joe Bob,

I was reading an interview in some magazine that had you in it, and you were talking about sexy sirens of horror, and you were mentioning Claire Higgins for one, but then you mentioned Barbara Crampton as your favorite--God, what a babe! The hottest of the hot! Anyway, Joe Bob, what's HAPPENED to her? I didn't see her in anything last year. Is she working on something? Same for Stuart Gordon. Is he working on anything now? I miss these guys!!

Take care,

Jim McNamara

Richmond, Va.

Dear Jimbo:

Barbara Crampton just flat dropped out of sight. People tell me she's on a "major soap opera," but unless hell freezes over this week, I won't be able to actually watch a soap opera in order to verify that. I hear they wanted her for the sequel to "Re-Animator"--"Bride of Re-Animator"--but she wouldn't do it. And, yes, she is still the sexiest woman ever to appear in a horror film.

Dear Yo Bob,

I've been thinking and I've finally decided:

#1: I want the bones of Shauna Grant.

#2: I need some of Holly Hunter's clothes.

#3: Please don't let there be any more "Comedy Relief" shows, especially if Shadow Stevens is involved.

I'll give you 35 bucks.

Mike McGee

Denton, Tex.

Dear Mike:

I'll do the third one for free, but if I'm gonna clean out my closet for you, we're gonna have to talk about some bigger dinero.

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