"Joe Bob Goes to the
Drive-In" for 4/12/91
cutline: The famous "So many
legs, so little time" scene from "Frankenhooker," the most
popular drive-in movie of 1990.
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine,
Texas
Once
again--this is so amazing--there was absolutely NO overlap between the winners
of the Drive-In Academy Awards and the FAKE Academy Awards they had in
Hollywood last week. This is getting so ridiculous that I think they're TRYING
to embarrass themselves. The year AFTER Arnold Schwarzenegger won his fourth
consecutive "Best Actor" award in the Hubbies and was retired from
active competition and given the "Joe Bob Briggs Lifetime Achievement
Award," he was seen on the Oscar telecast, and he's been a big hoo-haw
celebrity ever since. They're always about five years behind the drive-in-going
public.
Anyhow,
the good news is that we had a record number of voters in the Hubbies, and I
counted ALMOST all the votes. I refused to count any ballot that had a Kokomo,
Indiana, postmark, due to Kokomo's notorious REJECTION of the Drive-In Academy
Awards ceremonies last year and the ensuing scandal. I won't go into it here,
because it hurts my feelings.
The
actual award, which is engraved on a 1968 Oldsmobile hubcap, was given out
during ceremonies at the Ozona Truck Stop and Indian Museum in Ozona, Tex.,
with entertainment by Stephanie "Mack Truck" Higginson. So let's get
to it. The first category:
BEST FU
The runners-up are:
The mountain-climbing stunt in "Delta Force
2," with Chuck Norris rappeling up and down that cliff in South America.
The exploding hooker scene in
"Frankenhooker."
Green Martians who dance like the Pips and
sing "Macho Man" in "Martians Go Home."
Closeup of a guy cutting off his own face
in "Nightbreed."
And the winner is . . .
The triple-explosion dynamite-shack car
crash in "Peacemaker." I've never seen more stuff blown higher in the
sky in one car stunt in my life.
BEST DIALOGUE
The runners-up are:
David Knell in "Chopper Chicks in Zombietown":
"Jeez, Dad, maybe if you don't eat anybody, nobody'll notice you're a
zombie."
Phoebe Legere in "The Toxic Avenger
III: The Last Temptation of Toxie": "I don't mind being blind; I'll
never have to see ugliness, or poverty, or pollution, or the Chevrolet
Nova."
Anita Morris in "Martians Go
Home": "A meatloaf in the shape of a tree is surprisingly
festive."
Tommy Sledge, in "Lobster Man From
Mars," who inspects giant lobster tracks and says "It means that
either he escaped, or he walked backwards from the horizon to commit suicide in
this bonfire."
And the winner is . . .
Annie Ross, in "Basket Case 2":
"I understand your pain, Belial, but ripping the faces off people may not
be in your best interests."
BEST DIRECTOR
The runners-up are:
William Peter Blatty, "The Exorcist
III"
Frank Henenlotter, "Basket Case
2" and "Frankenhooker"
John McNaughton, "Henry: Portrait of a
Serial Killer"
Kevin S. Tenney, "Peacemaker"
And the winner is . . .
Adam Simon, "Brain Dead"
BEST BAD GUY
The runners-up are:
Brad Dourif, in "The Exorcist
III," as the Gemini Killer, a really mean psycho dude in a straitjacket
and a rubber room who's possessing the bodies of mental zombies and telling
them to scissor off the heads of priests, nurses, and young children.
Billy Drago, in "Delta Force 2,"
as the drug kingpin who wears a Japanese kimono all the time, for saying
"Take her to my bedroom--first give her a beautiful bath--get rid of the
baby."
Danny Nelson, in "Blood Salvage,"
as Jake the junkyard car mechanic who runs tourists off the road, drags their
bodies into his barn, hooks them up to old carburetors and Chevy engines, and
removes one organ at a time so he can sell em off to My Favorite Martian.
Robert Scott, "Snake Eater," as
Junior, one of the sleaziest pond-scum psycho hillbillies ever portrayed in the
movies, for dressing up in a bear-suit and saying "Your dream man's here,
and he's come to change your life!"
And the winner is . . .
Tom Towles, as Otis in "Henry:
Portrait of a Serial Killer," for saying "You want a beer?", and
as Cooper in "Night of the Living Dead," for stealing the TV,
barricading himself in the cellar, slapping his wife around, and screaming
"You bunch of yoyos!"
BEST ACTOR
The runners-up are:
Noel Peters, in "The Invisible
Maniac," as a nerdy psycho physics professor giving himself invisible-man
serum injections so he can sneak up on blonde cheerleaders and rip their
blouses off.
Randy Quaid, in "Martians Go
Home," as a theme-music composer for TV game shows, who accidentally
summons billions of green-skinned standup comics from outer space.
Michael Rooker, in "Henry: Portrait of
a Serial Killer," as Henry, for saying "Guns are easy to get--I can
make a phone call and get a gun--anybody can get a gun, Otis" and
"Oh, yeah. That's right. I stabbed her"
Kevin van Hentenryck, in "Basket Case
2," for making the second movie even after he died in the first one, for
having even a MORE disgusting scar on the side of his body where Belial was cut
off, and for slowly going crazy as he says "I just wanted people to think
I was NORMAL!"
And the winner is . . . Lorenzo Lamas,
"Snake Eater," for some excellent body tattoos, for sailing
head-first through a roadhouse window, getting beer poured in his lap, and
saying "So THIS is what happens when you breed a human with a tree"
and "Those mutants know a lot more than they're saying."
BEST ACTRESS
The runners-up are:
Christina Applegate, "Streets,"
as a 16-year-old hooker with a heroin habit, who says "By the way, you can
forget it--I don't do sex with friends."
Catherine Carlen, in "Chopper Chicks
in Zombietown," as the leader of the Cycle Sluts, for saying "You're
the Sluts! Try and act like it!"
Nicole Eggert, a dual role in "The
Haunting of Morella," as the daughter who's been hanging around out at
Mom's tomb with a Ken-doll lawyer from town, unaware that her evil lesbian
tutor is feeding the house servants to mom's glowing skeleton and getting her
ready for the ultimate makeover, AND as the mom who wants to live again in baby
daughter's body and show daddy the real meaning of the word
"hen-pecked."
Riba Meryl, as Janis Joplin in "Beyond
the Doors," for porking up for the role, shooting up with heroin, belting
out a couple tunes Janis-style, and saying "I go out and make love to
25,000 people, and then I go home alone."
And the winner is . . .
Lezlie Deane, "Girlfriend From
Hell," as the sensible girlfriend who decides she can probly just kick the
stuffings out of the guy from Purgatory and eventually force him to get rid of
his devil girlfriend.
BREAST ACTRESS
The runners-up are:
Ginger Lynn Allen, the porno star, in
"Back to Hollywood Boulevard," for being such a great actress that
she successfully portrays a VIRGIN.
Isa Andersen, the demonic ex-wife from hell
in "Night Angel" who plans to turn the whole world into sex-crazed
zombies by posing for the cover of Siren, a high fashion magazine, and putting
a lot of subliminal messages in there like "Have sex with the cleaning
lady today."
Melissa Moore, "Vampire Cop," as
a TV reporter with two enormous talents who will do anything to get that
fast-breaking story about hookers being murdered by a huge bullet-proof man
with fangs.
Patty Mullen, a former Penthouse Pet of the
Year, as "Frankenhooker," for staggering down 42nd Street with suture
marks all over her body and giving new meaning to the phrase "Wanna
date?"
And the winner is . . .
Clare Wren, "Steel and
Lace," as a blonde transistor-head
bimbo in a leather mini-skirt who squeezes her thumbs THROUGH one guy's neck,
flings a nerd's head through a twirling helicopter blade, drills a hole the
size of a bowling ball through a man's chest while kissing him, and plays
classical piano in her spare time.
BEST FLICK
The runners-up are:
"Brain Dead," the story of what
would happen if a man decided to keep a whole lab full of pickled brains that
used to belong to paranoid schizophrenics, so he can figure out how to stick
incredibly long needles into the brains and turn looney people into perfectly
respectable game-show hosts.
"Darkman," the story of a
scientist who's working on the ultimate plastic surgery discovery--making skin
in a test tube--but gets half his face blown off by some gangsters who like to
collect human fingers in a box and so he has to learn to build synthetic-skin
"Mission: Impossible" fake faces that last 99 minutes at a time.
"Delta Force 2," proving once
again that all it takes is one helicopter full of American kung-fu masters to
solve any problem in the universe, including wiping out a South American drug
dealer whose idea of a good time is to kill babies because their mothers don't
harvest the coca leaves FAST ENOUGH.
"Henry: Portrait of a Serial
Killer," first movie in history to get an X for "moral tone."
And the winner is . . .
"Frankenhooker," the romantic
story of a man whose fiancee gets Cuisinarted by a runaway lawnmower, and so
he's reduced to shopping for body parts on 42nd Street by selling crack that
makes the heads of hookers explode.
The people's choice! Most popular drive-in
movie of the last five years!
Was there ever any doubt?
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE
HOPELESS
Republican Alert! After five years, they're
still mourning the destruction of the Don Drive-In in Shreveport, the one that
was wiped out by a hurricane-spawned tornado. The six-screen indoor-bullstuff
puke-plex erected on its site is no consolation, and now they've added insult
to injury by dedicating it to "those citizens whose concern for the Don
Drive-In did not go unnoticed." Mary McKinney of Sibley, La., replies
"Horse Hockey!" and reminds us that, without eternal vigilance, it
can happen here.
Dear Joe Bob,
Big happenings are afoot in Columbus!
Thanks in part to your gratuitous review of the now legendary film "Frankenhooker,"
a movement is underway to celebrate the triumphant acting debut of Columbus'
own Patty Mullen. Petitions are, at this very moment, being circulated which
call for local government to designate a Patty Mullen Day in honor of this star
of print and screen. It seems only fitting that such a giant contribution as
Patty's does not go unnoticed. Besides, our slot of city hero has just recently
been vacated by an ex-heavyweight fighter. And we NEED heroes! We also need
your help Joe Bob. What day should we choose? Should we sell T-shirts? If
T-shirts, what color? How can we get Patty a book deal? Should she run for a
political office? Is the GOP ready for someone of her caliber? So please, Joe
Bob, lend us your guidance and some cash if you can--these things are cheap.
Warm regards,
Rob Schuller
Columbus, O.
Dear Rob:
Yes, Patty was stunning in the title
role of "Frankenhooker," and, if I may say so, one of the most
convincing zombie prostitutes in cinematic history.
They should be 500-year anniversary
T-shirts, and they should say "1492: Christopher, 1992: Patty . . .
Columbus Makes It Happen."
Deer Joe-Bob
How kan I beekum a hi-falutin, fancy-talkin
erbun kowboy like yu? How kan I get yer smartz?
Rick
San Francisco
Dear Rick:
To start with, give up your faculty job
at Stanford.
Sweet savage
Heathbriggs:
You were never too good for this world
Merely too luscious for it
So go back and make love to your mirror
Or join Alice & me and ford it.
Justine "The
Ethereal Weed" Reed
Phoenix
Dear Justine:
Okay, the first one.
Hey Joe Bob!
With this greeting you may find it hard to
believe that I am a warm, caring sensitive man of the 90's. I often feel
concern for the women who listen to KPIG for the best music on the radio, and
get subjected to your sexist banterings and childish obsession with breasts.
Your inconsiderate and socially retarded mentality can easily offend my sisters
and possibly alienate the sponsors, thereby endangering the future of KPIG and
the music that I have come to depend on.
But, hell, I love to run barefoot through a
bed full of bare boobies just as much as the next guy, so keep it up!
Your devoted
listener,
Steve Rodrigues
Watsonville, Calif.
Dear Steve:
I had to shut down the radio show
because, let's face it, who can work ninety seconds a day, day in, day out,
with no vacation, without eventually breaking down and needing medication?
It was a health thing.
Mr. Joe Bob,
In reference to your review of
"Frankenhooker," doesn't that seem like a remake of the B classic
"The Head That Wouldn't Die"? Or is that "The Brain That
Wouldn't Die"?
Gordon Roe
Lawrence, Kan.
Dear Gordon:
Yes, it's "The Brain That Wouldn't
Die," which came out in 1959, starring Jason Evers and Virginia Keith,
and, yes, there are similarities. The main difference is that the fifties
brain-in-a-tray was a good brain, who is horrified by her boyfriend's behavior,
but the "Frankenhooker" brain is conspiring with him.
© 1991 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved