"Joe Bob Goes to the
Drive-In" for 1/11/91
cutline: Patty Mullen as
"Frankenhooker"--the first thing that ever grossed out 42nd Street
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine,
Texas
The
official nominees for the 1990 Drive-In Academy Awards, better known as the
"Hubbies." Get a pencil, cause they're humongous this year. And I've
decided to make EVERYONE eligible to vote, so zap me those ballots.
BEST FLICK
"Basket Case 2," the continuing
story of the horribly deformed, twisted, mutilated Siamese twin who lives in a
picnic basket and is very angry about it, but has now learned to eat people's
faces off in kinder, gentler ways.
"Brain Dead," the story of what
would happen if a man decided to keep a whole lab full of pickled brains that
used to belong to paranoid schizophrenics, so he can figure out how to stick
incredibly long needles into the brains and turn looney people into perfectly
respectable game-show hosts.
"Darkman," the story of a
scientist who's working on the ultimate plastic surgery discovery--making skin
in a test tube--but gets half his face blown off by some gangsters who like to
collect human fingers in a box and so he has to learn to build synthetic-skin
"Mission: Impossible" fake faces that last 99 minutes at a time.
"Delta Force 2," proving once
again that all it takes is one helicopter full of American kung-fu masters to
solve any problem in the universe, including wiping out a South American drug
dealer whose idea of a good time is to kill babies because their mothers don't
harvest the coca leaves FAST ENOUGH.
"Frankenhooker," the romantic
story of a man whose fiancee gets Cuisinarted by a runaway lawnmower, and so
he's reduced to shopping for body parts on 42nd Street by selling crack that
makes the heads of hookers explode.
"Hardware," the best
nucular-radiation twisted-metal jubilee since the original "Mad Max."
"Henry: Portrait of a Serial
Killer," first movie in history to get an X for "moral tone."
"Martians Go Home," the nightmare
about what would happen if the Martians invaded the world and they turned out
to be STANDUP COMEDIANS.
"Snake Eater," the Lorenzo Lamas
Extravaganza that's a combination of "Death Wish," "Delta
Force," "Deliverance" and "The Wild Angels," with
Lorenzo attacking a gang of mutant hillbillies with an ocean-going Jet-Ski
Harley.
"Steel and Lace," the
killer-robot revenge flick. (Her eyes say "Yes yes yes," but her
electrified steel-reinforced arm says "Is that your intestine I'm feeling?")
"Streets," best
Jason-in-a-uniform flick of 1990.
BEST ACTOR
Lorenzo Lamas, "Snake Eater," for
some excellent body tattoos, for sailing head-first through a roadhouse window,
getting beer poured in his lap, and saying "So THIS is what happens when
you breed a human with a tree" and "Those mutants know a lot more
than they're saying."
David McCallum, "The Haunting of
Morella," as the "Man From Dunkin Donuts," mooning around his
Gothic mansion with a five-day growth of beard and a pair of Ray-bans, haunted
by the memory of his dead wife, who had metal stakes driven through her eyes 18
years ago after she drank virgin blood and tried to kill a baby girl.
Dylan McDermott, in "Hardware,"
as the techno trash collector.
Roddy McDowall, "Shakma," as the
professor who juices up a baboon with brain serum so he'll be calmer,
but--whoops!--he makes a mistake and instead of injecting the "calm"
serum, he injects the serum that turns him into a raging maniac throat-chewing
Jason Baboon.
Liam Neeson, in "Darkman": The
man is ugly, the man is evil, and the man is in love.
Chuck Norris, in "Delta Force 2,"
for cleaning out a mountain drug fortress surrounded by a hundred armed men and
protected by a South American army equipped with heat-seeking helicopter-gunship
missiles.
Noel Peters, in "The Invisible
Maniac," as a nerdy psycho physics professor giving himself invisible-man
serum injections so he can sneak up on blonde cheerleaders and rip their
blouses off.
Randy Quaid, in "Martians Go
Home," as a theme-music composer for TV game shows, who accidentally
summons billions of green-skinned standup comics from outer space.
Michael Rooker, in "Henry: Portrait of
a Serial Killer," as Henry, for saying "Guns are easy to get--I can
make a phone call and get a gun--anybody can get a gun, Otis" and
"Oh, yeah. That's right. I stabbed her"
George C. Scott, in "The Exorcist
III," a cop with a carp in his bathtub, who gets a little TESTY when he
finds a 12-year-old kid with ingots driven into his eyes and his head cut off
and a Jesus head made up like a black minstrel stuck on his shoulders where his
head used to be.
Kevin van Hentenryck, in "Basket Case
2," for making the second movie even after he died in the first one, for
having even a MORE disgusting scar on the side of his body where Belial was cut
off, and for slowly going crazy as he says "I just wanted people to think
I was NORMAL!"
BEST ACTRESS
Christina Applegate, "Streets,"
as a 16-year-old hooker with a heroin habit, who says "By the way, you can
forget it--I don't do sex with friends."
Linda Blair, "Repossessed," for
caking on the cracked-skin makeup, ratting her hair, puckering up again after
all these years, turning herself into a giant ice-cream cone and screaming
"Lick me! Lick me!"
Sandra Bogan, in "Punk Vacation,"
as the revenge-minded pistol-packing redneck daughter, who gets stripped down
to her bra, tied to some railroad ties, and forced to listen to REAL LOUD MUSIC
while everybody else gets to dance.
Catherine Carlen, in "Chopper Chicks
in Zombietown," as the leader of the Cycle Sluts, for saying "You're
the Sluts! Try and act like it!"
Liane Curtis, "Girlfriend From
Hell," as the girlfriend from hell, for saying "Well, I suppose I
should go hunt them down one by one and kill them--God, this is getting so
boring."
Lezlie Deane, "Girlfriend From
Hell," as the sensible girlfriend who decides she can probly just kick the
stuffings out of the guy from Purgatory and eventually force him to get rid of his
devil girlfriend.
Nicole Eggert, a dual role in "The
Haunting of Morella," as the daughter who's been hanging around out at
Mom's tomb with a Ken-doll lawyer from town, unaware that her evil lesbian
tutor is feeding the house servants to mom's glowing skeleton and getting her
ready for the ultimate makeover, AND as the mom who wants to live again in baby
daughter's body and show daddy the real meaning of the word
"hen-pecked."
Deborah Foreman, in "Lobster Man From
Mars," as the damsel in distress, for saying "It's all very simple!
Bunny men from Neptune have invaded Mars!"
Stacy Haiduk, "Steel and Lace,"
as the amateur-detective ex-girlfriend courtroom artist who screams "I
won't castrate my art!"
Frances McDormand, as Darkman's girlfriend,
for saying "If you're not going to kill me, I have things to do."
Riba Meryl, as Janis Joplin in "Beyond
the Doors," for porking up for the role, shooting up with heroin, belting
out a couple tunes Janis-style, and saying "I go out and make love to
25,000 people, and then I go home alone."
Anita Morris, in "Martians Go
Home," as a talk-show shrink who keeps telling people they are having
"delusions" when they think they have Martians in their Hydro-Spa.
Roxanne Rogers in "Punk
Vacation," as the Head Mama Punker has set up a Charlie Manson
rock-and-roll party at an abandoned ranch out by Tehachapi.
Hilary Shepard, in "Peacemaker,"
as the girl who doesn't know whether to blow an alien's head off or fall in
love with him.
Debra Sweaney, "They Call Me Macho
Woman," as Lady Rambo With P.M.S., who files down a couple of axes, grabs
a few steel spikes, and starts wasting perverts.
Stacey Travis, in "Hardware," as
the blowtorch sculptress, for drinking Lactoplasm and destroying the Mark 13
killer robot.
BREAST ACTRESS
Ginger Lynn Allen, the porno star, in
"Back to Hollywood Boulevard," for being such a great actress that
she successfully portrays a VIRGIN.
Isa Andersen, the demonic ex-wife from hell
in "Night Angel" who plans to turn the whole world into sex-crazed zombies
by posing for the cover of Siren, a high fashion magazine, and putting a lot of
subliminal messages in there like "Have sex with the cleaning lady
today."
Cynthia Bond, as the Devil Woman in
"Def By Temptation," for putting on her Christian Dior stockings with
no hands, and for saying "Honey, I've given you something there's no cure
for."
Cynthia Brimhall, lead singer in Playboy's
Girls of Rock and Roll, in "Guns," for singing two lounge songs while
dressed in a lace corset.
Lana Clarkson, "The Haunting of
Morella," as the evil lesbian tutor who says "One more feeding, my
love, and you'll be fully resurrected."
Tracy Dali, "Virgin High," who
comes home from a date with all the buttons on her blouse missing and receives
a punishment worse than death--she's sent to CATHOLIC School.
Bo Derek, in "Ghosts Can't Do
It," for having the courage to take four baths instead of her usual three.
Devin Devasquez, in "Guns," as
Erik Estrada's girlfriend in a leopard-skin leotard, for saying "Let ME
kill for you."
Morgan Fairchild, in "Phantom of the
Mall"--she's pouty, she's sequined, she's the evil mayor, and she's
wearing too much makeup!
Melissa Moore, "Vampire Cop," as
a TV reporter with two enormous talents who will do anything to get that
fast-breaking story about hookers being murdered by a huge bullet-proof man
with fangs.
Patty Mullen, a former Penthouse Pet of the
Year, as "Frankenhooker," for staggering down 42nd Street with suture
marks all over her body and giving new meaning to the phrase "Wanna
date?"
Delia Sheppard, "Sexbomb," as the
platinum-blonde twin-blimped Candy, who spends most of the movie making the
sign of the triple-winged flying gopher with a screenwriter.
Dona Speir, three-time winner of the Breast
Actress Award, in "Guns," for running around in a halter top carrying
a rocket launcher, and for saying "That's it for me! I'm hitting the
shower!"
Roberta Vasquez, in "Guns," for
showing off her two enormous talents by aardvarking in the desert on a
motorcycle seat at sunset.
Shannon Wilsey, in "The Invisible
Maniac," as Vicky the blonde, for saying "I need an A to graduate,
and I'd be willing to do ANYTHING."
Clare Wren, "Steel and
Lace," as a blonde transistor-head
bimbo in a leather mini-skirt who squeezes her thumbs THROUGH one guy's neck,
flings a nerd's head through a twirling helicopter blade, drills a hole the
size of a bowling ball through a man's chest while kissing him, and plays
classical piano in her spare time.
BEST BAD GUY
Michael Cerveris, "Steel and
Lace," as the sleazeball real-estate tycoon who, when told his best friend
is dead, says "So is Elvis--what do you want me to do about it?"
Philip Davis, in "The Howling V,"
as a Hungarian count who summons eight character actors with ugly red birthmarks
on their arms to a castle that hasn't been lived in for 500 years and shouts
"Werewolf! The prophecy is fulfilled!"
Brad Dourif and 18 million special-effects
experts, as Chucky the Doll, in "Child's Play 2," the demonic little
freckle-faced talking serial-killer toy doll with the filthy mouth.
Brad Dourif, in "The Exorcist
III," as the Gemini Killer, a really mean psycho dude in a straitjacket
and a rubber room who's possessing the bodies of mental zombies and telling
them to scissor off the heads of priests, nurses, and young children.
Billy Drago, in "Delta Force 2,"
as the drug kingpin who wears a Japanese kimono all the time, for saying
"Take her to my bedroom--first give her a beautiful bath--get rid of the
baby."
Larry Drake, in "Darkman," best
known as Benny the Reetard on "L.A. Law," as the gangster who says
"Bring the Asian's fingers."
Duke Ernsberger, in "Killer," as
one of the handsomest serial-killer maniacs to be seen in a long time, for
saying, "You see, I'm going to slice off bite-sized pieces of your body,
and I'm going to eat them--sometimes raw, sometimes cooked--until you're
completely consumed."
Erik Estrada in "Guns," as the
evil South American drug smuggler who is trying to lure Dona Speir to Las
Vegas, trick her out of her sequined plunging-neckline party dress, and execute
her in a casino showroom.
Robert Forster, as a killer alien in
"Peacemaker."
Eb Lottimer, "Streets," as the
killer psycho cop with a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun, wasting street kids
around Venice Beach.
Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino, the
transvestite hitmen in "Guns."
Danny Nelson, in "Blood Salvage,"
as Jake the junkyard car mechanic who runs tourists off the road, drags their
bodies into his barn, hooks them up to old carburetors and Chevy engines, and
removes one organ at a time so he can sell em off to My Favorite Martian.
S.D. Nemeth, in "Lobster Man From
Mars," as The Dreaded Lobster Man, who looks like a Green Bay Packers
lineman with claws doing Kabuki Theater.
Brian Oldfield, "They Call Me Macho
Woman," as the drug-dealing goon who wears a steel band on his head with a
unicorn spike coming out of the front so he can ram it through people's
foreheads whenever he feels like it.
Bill Pullman, in "Brain Dead," as
the chief brain doctor who talks about "the kindler, gentler
lobotomy."
Robert Scott, "Snake Eater," as
Junior, one of the sleaziest pond-scum psycho hillbillies ever portrayed in the
movies, for dressing up in a bear-suit and saying "Your dream man's here,
and he's come to change your life!";
Tom Towles, as Otis in "Henry:
Portrait of a Serial Killer," for saying "You want a beer?", and
as Cooper in "Night of the Living Dead," for stealing the TV,
barricading himself in the cellar, slapping his wife around, and screaming
"You bunch of yoyos!"
BEST DIALOGUE
Larry Buchanan, director of "Beyond
the Doors," for writing lines like "I know I didn't need that second
barrel, but who counts birdshot in a man's chest? Rock and roll is dead. Long
live rock and roll."
Don Calfa, in "Chopper Chicks in
Zombietown," as the evil mortician who buries the dead with the touching
prayer "Why dwell on it?"
Rick Collins in "The Toxic Avenger
III: The Last Temptation of Toxie": "The mind is a terrible thing to
waste--and I'm going to waste YOURS."
Dennis Dale, in "Sexbomb":
"Are those tearaway nipples ready yet?"
Brad Dourif in "The Exorcist
III": "I kill at random--no motive--that's the fun."
Ron Fazio in "The Toxic Avenger III:
The Last Temptation of Toxie": "These chemicals have taken over my
life! I don't have a life! I have a half-life!"
Ken Foree, in "The Texas Chainsaw
Massacre III": "Yeah, militant lumberjacks--I see em all the
time."
Raymond Fusci, the shotgun-wielding geezer
in "Punk Vacation": "That girl hasn't been the same ever since
she joined that Chamber of Commerce."
Richard Gabai in "Virgin High":
"I think of confession as sort of a spiritual enema."
David Knell in "Chopper Chicks in
Zombietown": "Jeez, Dad, maybe if you don't eat anybody, nobody'll
notice you're a zombie."
Phoebe Legere in "The Toxic Avenger
III: The Last Temptation of Toxie": "I don't mind being blind; I'll
never have to see ugliness, or poverty, or pollution, or the Chevrolet
Nova."
James Lorinz, in "Frankenhooker":
"After all, I'm not killing anybody. It's the crack that's gonna kill em.
If they don't wanna do it, they can just say no."
Terry Loughlin, in "Killer":
"Young and in love--makes me wanna throw up."
John Lynch, the cocaine-worshipper in
"Hardware": "It's my heart--it feels like an alligator."
Patrick Macnee, as the outer-space
crustacean expert, in "Lobster Man From Mars": "Their purpose is
clear--maybe not to you, but to me" and "You think you can kill an
alien space bat with BULLETS?"
Anita Morris in "Martians Go Home":
"A meatloaf in the shape of a tree is surprisingly festive."
Viggo Mortensen, in "The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre III": "There's roadkill all over Texas--natural
order of things."
Leslie Nielsen in "Repossessed":
"Luke, remember, when you fall on your face you're still moving
forward."
Gene Okerlund, describing Linda Blair in
"Repossessed": "Nice breasts, but a face I wouldn't wanna wipe
my feet on."
Noel
Peters, in "The Invisible Maniac": "I'm injecting the serum into
the bunny rabbit now" and "I was inexplicably drawn to the girls
locker room."
Marty Roberts in "Space Avenger":
"High concept! That's what we need! A Communist Monster!"
Roxanne Rogers, in "Punk
Vacation": "You're kinda cute for a parasite of humanity--maybe we'll
rape you before we cut your throat."
Annie Ross, in "Basket Case 2":
"I understand your pain, Belial, but ripping the faces off people may not
be in your best interests."
Tommy Sledge, in "Lobster Man From Mars,"
who inspects giant lobster tracks and says "It means that either he
escaped, or he walked backwards from the horizon to commit suicide in this
bonfire."
Charity Staley in "Space
Avenger": "Is that supposed to be an interstellar propulsion
device?"
Clive Turner and Freddie Rowe,
screenwriters on "The Howling V": "There is an ancient Hungarian
proverb--Check the one who looks innocent!"
Steve Vinovich, in "Back to Hollywood
Boulevard": "I don't think a little thing like minor tissue damage
should get in our way."
BEST FU
Electro-shock Fu and Lobotomy Fu in
"Brain Dead"
The flesh-eating, vomiting TV set in
"Def By Temptation"
The mountain-climbing stunt in "Delta
Force 2"
Hell-gapes-open scene in "The Exorcist
III"
The exploding hooker scene in "Frankenhooker"
Elevator-door body slicing in
"Hardware"
Barbecued Billy Barty in "Lobster Man
From Mars"
Green Martians who dance like the Pips and
sing "Macho Man" in "Martians Go Home"
Closeup of a guy cutting off his own face
in "Nightbreed"
The triple-explosion dynamite-shack car
crash in "Peacemaker"
Poodle dog ground up in a tree-branch
compactor in "Repossessed."
Armadillo bashing in "The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre III"
Bone-drill to the leg in "The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre III"
The special Baboon-Cam in
"Shakma"
Nails through the feet (four) in
"Snake Eater"
Porn star Jamie Gillis burning up because
he has sex with an outer-space alien in "Space Avenger"
Gratuitous "Chim Chim Cheree" on
the accordion in "The Toxic Avenger III: The Last Temptation of
Toxie"
Double vampire sex in a bathtub in
"Vampire Cop"
BEST DIRECTOR
William Peter Blatty, "The Exorcist
III"
George Erschbamer, "Snake Eater"
Ernest Farino, "Steel and Lace"
Frank Henenlotter, "Basket Case
2" and "Frankenhooker"
John McNaughton, "Henry: Portrait of a
Serial Killer"
Aaron Norris, "Delta Force 2"
Sam Raimi, "Darkman"
Adam Simon, "Brain Dead"
Richard Stanley, "Hardware"
Kevin S. Tenney, "Peacemaker"
All ballots must be submitted by March 15.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE
HOPELESS
Communist Alert! The historic Twin City
Drive-In in Little Rock has been turned into a plant nursery, and now there's
talk of ripping the screen down and building a mall. Mary Lucas of North Little
Rock reminds us that, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here.
To discuss the meaning of life with Joe
Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and his "We Are the Weird"
newsletter, write P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221, or leave your name and
address on his comedy line, 1-900-4-JOEBOB ($1.50 first minute, 75 cents each
additional). Joe Bob's Fax: 214-368-2310.
Joe Bob,
I read a very memorable article in college
days about all the "little rapes" women endure.
One of these "little rapes" most
women endure is walking down the street while a construction crew is lunching.
Crossing the street isn't always an option and sometimes it's too damn annoying
to do. But a woman can count on an unsolicited evaluation of her appearance.
Men may be cowards individually, but are quite brave in a group! The most vocal
and critical of the group is usually an old, fat, unbathed, unshaven pig of a
man who hasn't looked in a mirror, much less taken care of himself (via
exercise, diet or a little soapy water) in decades. And yet these guys still
feel themselves qualified to pass judgement on women. Good or bad, it doesn't
matter. It's a hellava intrusion.
Perhaps you think I over-react. Have you
looked at the statistics lately? Take your pick--rape, abuse against, etc. Lots
and lots of men think they are entitled to womens' bodies. Have a heart to
heart with some friends--I'll bet you'll find no less than several date rapes
in your crowd. Perhaps you yourself. Rating peak topless spots--quite a
lifetime accomplishment, eh? Your highest compliment--I paraphrase--"girls
that look good before the third beer." Meat. Joe Bob, when was the last
time you looked in the mirror? Have you ever considered the arrogance of this
continual unwanted diatribe about rating women? What qualifies you to pass
judgement? On anyone? Oh, that's right, you go to drive-in movies for a living.
I suspect you go alone most of the time.
Clean up your act, boy.
Unsigned
San Francisco
Dear Unsigned:
I've noticed how some women might be
cowards individually, but they become quite brave when they don't have to sign
their name.
Joe Bob,
The drugs have taken effect. Charlie's
family continues to progress and shape itself before my eyes. Due to the money
hunt (foolish me started up the film without having all the bucks in
place--tsk, tsk), "Manson's Family" probably won't be finished for
another year. But it'll deliver on several levels.
And, yes, Virginia, "The Last Days of
John Martin" (no longer called "Roadkill," as there is a
Canadian film out with that title) will stalk the screen as a feature (the
script is done, easily my best so far) Someday, some way!
Find enclosed a trailer (shot in 35mm! Holy
smokes!) for a Canadian gut fest to be known as "Chunk Blower!" I
directed the trailer and will also the feature! I have also had a hand in the
script with Mr. Chas. Balun. Producer G.B. Smith is raising funds even as
breathe.
Keep up the Connie Chung embarrassment fu!
I love, I really do love...and I hate, and I hate, because I love I hate,
because I love I hate, because I love!
Jim VanBebber
Producer/Director
("Deadbeat at Dawn")
Dayton, O.
Dear Jimbo:
"Chunk Blower"?
"Chunk Blower"?
You're a genius.
Dear Joe Bob,
We thought we would write and ask your
opinion on a recent office topic--the "Three Breast Dilemma." There
are two main schools of thought on this topic and we thought your insights
would be invaluable due to your experience with naked breast counts.
Even though it isn't out on video yet, you've
surely seen the new Arnold movie "Total Recall." Definitely a great
special effects and violence-laden movie, but the most spectacular thing in the
entire movie has to be the mutant hooker with THREE large garbanzos. After
seeing the movie, some guys said they would prefer three-breasted women to have
all three breasts up front like that woman.
However, "Married...With
Children" fans leaned toward the Al Bundy theory--the third hooter should
be on the back, for use during dancing. There are advantages to either
arrangement, of course.
Being the foremost authority on naked
breasts and counting thereof, where do you think the third breast should be? If
you know of any other movies featuring three-breasted babes, please enlighten
us so we may continue our research.
Concerned,
Doug Trader
Mark McKenzie
Mike Neese
Frank Malosky
Naval Aviation Depot
Norfolk, Va.
Dear Guys:
I'm sorry, but I was unimpressed. A 1984
movie called "The Warrior and the Sorceress" has a FOUR-breasted
woman (two uppers and two lowers).
For those anemic three-breasters,
though, the answer to your question is: the breast should be located below the
nose and above the chin.
Joe Bob,
Not only was our only drive-in turned into
a flea market a few years back (two screens--one offered X, the other basic
drive-in fare), but more Communist activity has been taking place. For example,
a Mongolian Bar-B-Q has recently opened here. What the HELL is Mongolian Bar-B-Q?
Suffrin' in
Lynchburg,
Greg Viar
Evington, Va.
Dear Greg:
Mongolian Bar-B-Q is barbecued prepared
by actual Mongoloids. It's great. I recommend it. It takes a little getting
used to having the beef on the OUTSIDE of the bun, but you'll grow into it.
© 1991 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved