by Joe Bob Briggs
And speaking of culture shock, Blood Salvage is the story of a junkyard car mechanic named Jake who runs tourists off the road, drags their bodies into his barn, hooks them up to old carbeurators and Chevy engines and removes one organ at a time so he can sell em off to My Favorite Martian. The guy at the Hollywood Reporter called this "a quintessential Joe Bob Briggs film," but I think he went a little overboard. It's got zombies, it's got slobbering rednecks, it's got dead tourists, it's got car chases, it's got maniac alligators, it's got Elvis on life support, it's got a helpless bimbo in a wheelchair, it got Ray Walston and it's got the Cates Pickle Man. But think about it a minute. What else would it need to be the ultimate Joe Bob Briggs movie?
Heads do not roll.
Livers roll. Kidneys roll. Hearts roll. We even have a closeup spinal tap. But the head proper remains firmly on the head and shoulders. You guys in the press need to do more research.
And more important:
Bras do not spill.
Bras come unhooked. Blouses are ripped off. But the garbonza, per se, remains firmly wrapped.
It's one thing to take an excellent TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ripoff like this and say, "Nice spew job."
It's another thing to invoke the name of Joe Bob Briggs just to pump up the box office.
On second thought, my kinda guy.
No breasts. Eighteen dead bodies. Two motor vehicles, with crash and burn. Eyes roll. Liver rolls. Open heart surgery with a power drill. Knitting needle through the arm. Heart eating gator. Gratuitous Elvis. Gratuitous bimbos in swimsuits. Shotgun fu. Ford Torino fu. Trash compactor fu. A 76 on the vomit meter. Drive-in academy award nominations for Danny Nelson, better known as the Cates Pickle Man, as Jake the junkyard surgeon, for saying "You look like a real HEALTHY little kid" and "You don't have any medical problems I should know about, do you?" and "Where have you been? I had to staple that man up"; Ralph Pruitt Vaughn, as the fatso idiot half-wit brother for saying, "I'm a special person"; Ray Walston for having no reason to be in this movie, but being in it anyway; and Evander Holyfield, the heavyweight boxer for getting his name in the credits as "executive producer."
© 1990 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved