1990 Hubbie Award Nominations

cutline: Randy Quaid in his most convincing cannibal role, in "Parents."

"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 2-2-90

By Joe Bob Briggs

Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas

The 1990 Drive-In Academy Award nominees (including people that bribed their way in):

BEST FLICK

"The Fly II," one of the finest oozing pizza-face insect sequels since "Aliens."

"Parents," the story of a typical Ozzie-and-Harriet cannibal family in the fifties.

"Red Scorpion," best in-your-face exploding-Third-World-country movie of the last ten years.

"Heathers," the first movie that has something good to say abut teen suicide.

"Lock Up," the horrifying story of what it would be like to go to a prison in New Jersey where the warden was so mean he forced you to play football in the mud.

"The Dead Pit," best zombie flick of the year, about an evil doctor who enjoys doing a little bone-saw surgery after he gets off work.

"Puppet Master," zombie marionette movie about grisly flesh-eating midget puppets.

"Mutant on the Bounty," the story of a horribly mutilated saxophone player rescued by a Gilligan's Island spaceship full of singles-bar rejects.

"Shocker," story of a TV repairman who jumps out of TV sets and carves up entire families, then disappears back into videoland before the blood is dry on the baby crib.

BEST ACTOR

Eric Stoltz, the half-human half-insect mutant man-child in "The Fly II."

Randy Quaid, "Parents," as the toxic waste expert and cannibal who tells his son "Eat your meat."

Jim Van Bebber, "Deadbeat at Dawn," who loses eight different body parts in the course of the movie.

Dolph Lungren, "Red Scorpion," a bodybuilder Swede with tree trunk legs who turns into a killer KGB agent with a heart of gold.

Sly Rocky Rambo, "Lock Up," as the sensitive car mechanic who says "Your body has to be here, but your mind can be anywhere."

Kyle T. Heffner, "Mutant on the Bounty," for doing the whole movie with a face that looks like a can of Raviolios, and saying "Even if I didn't look like I was bobbing for French fries, I'd be thrilled to be with you."

Donald Pleasance, "Halloween 5," as the weird Dr. Loomis, his face scarred even more than it was in the last movie.

BEST ACTRESS

Linnea Quigley, "Night of the Demons," for doing the whole movie in a pink tutu hiked up to here, and seducing a fat guy with the line "Maybe I'm in the mood for pork tonight."

Deborra-Lee Furness, "Shame," as the Australian Charles Bronson, sweeping scum off the streets.

Mary Beth Hurt, "Parents," for wearing stiletto high heels, conehead support bras, and cooking Mystery Meat.

Sandy Dennis, "Parents," the beef critter school psychologist with a face like Silly Putty.

Winona Ryder, "Heathers," as the only non-Heather in the flick.

Julie Carmen, "Fright Night Part 2," as the cigarette-smoking spiked-high-heel older-woman vampire who says "Do you know how to use your lips, Charlie?"

Cheryl Lawson, "The Dead Pit," as the gal who has her memory cut out with a surgical icepick, one of the finest screamers in movie history.

BREAST ACTRESS

Karen Mayo Chandler, "Stripped to Kill 2: Live Girls," as the S&M voodoo topless dancer.

Phoebe Legere, "The Toxic Avenger Part II," the blind girlfriend of Toxie.

Lezlie Deane, "976-EVIL," the ex-Dallas Cowboys cheerleader who does some inspired aardvarking and says "When I'm mad, I eat."

Brigitte Nielsen, "Bye Bye Baby," who wears a white mini-dress slit up to here, aerobic leotards, bikinis, and nothing at all, creating a new thunder-thighed fashion statement called Scandinavian Buffalo.

Cissy Cameron, "Space Mutiny," Cameron Mitchell's daughter, for twinkle-toeing around in a silver miniskirt and holding her ray gun like a cocktail waitress delivering a vodka martini.

Sharlene Martin, "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan," as a prom queen who labels parts of her own body and turns herself in as a biology project.

Marilyn Chambers, "Party Incorporated," for crossing over from porno to legitimate movies -- for the fifth time.

Dona Speir, "Savage Beach," for flying an airplane through a rainstorm, saying "Shouldn't we get out of these wet clothes?" and then putting the plane on auto-pilot so she can change blouses.

Hope Marie Carlton, "Savage Beach," for running around in jungle shorts, cowboy boots, and a spaghetti strap T-shirt with a machine gun strapped to her chest.

Teri Weigel, "Savage Beach," for saying "My ideology means far more to me than fame or adulation," right before she whips off her blouse.

Jennifer DeLora, "Fright House," the high priestess of a huge-breasted chiffon-robed witches coven who says "Intruders! They have defiled the ceremony!"

BEST BAD GUY

Lyle Alzado, "Shock Troop," as the evil Russian.

Lee Richardson, "The Fly 2," as the evil industrialist who says "We did everything we could for your dog."

Antonio Fargas, "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka," as the pimp who wins the "Pimp of the Year" pageant by reciting the poem "My Bitch Better Have My Money," wearing platform heels so high they have plastic fish bowls in them.

Wayne Newton, "License to Kill," as the sleazy grinning evangelist.

Wings Hauser, "L.A. Bounty," as the sleazeball who forces a guy to get inside a wooden crate, says "Hard to breathe?" and shoots the crate full of holes.

Donald Sutherland, "Lock Up," as the warden who says "This is hell and I'm going to give you a guided tour."

Scott Williamson, "Mutant on the Bounty," as an intergalactic convenience-store robber with an obnoxious giggle.

Troy Donahue, "The Chilling," as the evil scientist who sells human body parts to the Mexican black market.

Mitch Pileggi, "Shocker," as Horace Pinker, the TV repairman who says "Come on, boy, let's take a ride in my Volts Wagon."

BEST DIALOGUE

Jessica Dublin, "War": "I have just about had it with you terrorists!"

Randy Quaid, "Parents": "Is he fresh? He looks fresh. Puree the liver tissue. And might as well get some lymph tissue while we're in there."

Mark Carlton, "Heathers": "My son was a homosexual and I love him -- I love my dead gay son."

Christian Slater, "Heathers": "Maybe I am killing everyone in the school, but nobody loves me."

Jim Varney, "Fast Food": "The old coot didn't know diarrhea from a milkshake."

Robert Davi, "License to Kill": "Drug dealers of the world, unite!"

BEST GROSSOUT SCENE

Live mutant birth in "The Fly II."

Hypo needle breaking off in Eric Stoltz's arm in "The Fly II."

Faces eaten off by fly vomit in "The Fly II."

Charles Bronson forcing a guy to eat a Rolex in "Kinjite."

Dean Martin background music in "Parents."

The Toxic Avenger on the toilet in "The Toxic Avenger Part II."

Heroin shooting in "Deadbeat at Dawn."

Insect-design carving on Dolph Lungren's chest in "Red Scorpion."

Hulk Hogan wearing peach panties in "No Holds Barred."

Face-eating rats in "The Food of the Gods II."

Sticking dozens of incredibly long needles into live brains in "The Dead Pit."

Marilyn Chambers singing a romantic ballad in "Party Incorporated."

The "safe sex" scene in "Halloween 5."

The Barcalounger attack in "Shocker."

The Hoover rape scene in "Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars."

Wayne Newton doing the "Just a Gigolo" audience singalong in "Wayne Newton Live From Las Vegas."

BEST WRITER

Joe Augustyn, "Night of the Demons": "Would you like a fudge log?"

Christopher Hawthorne, "Parents": "What are we eating?" "Leftovers." "Leftovers from what?" "Eat your dinner, honey."

Daniel Waters, "Heathers," for making poetry out of words like "phlegm glob."

Maria Dante, "Space Mutiny": "Commander, the energizing turbines have been sabotaged," and "One cannot escape one's own destiny."

BEST DIRECTOR

Katt Shea Ruben, "Stripped to Kill 2: Live Girls."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka."

Bob Balaban, "Parents."

Jim Van Bebber, "Deadbeat at Dawn."

Joseph Zito, "Red Scorpion."

David Schmoeller, "Puppet Master."

Robert Torrence, "Mutant on the Bounty."

Wes Craven, "Shocker."

JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS

Communist Alert! The Midway Drive-In on U.S. Highway 33 between Goshen and Elkhart, Ind., is about to get ripped down after 39 years if a greedy shopping center developer gets his way. Jerry Tannenbaum of New Carlisle, Ind., is trying to drum up some grass-roots support for a historical landmark designation, and reminds the rest of us that, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk that will clutter up your dresser, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.

Dear Joe Bob Briggs:

For a work in progress of mine tentatively titled "Breast: a loving collection in photo and essay of the best in celebrity breasts," I'd appreciate knowing what you'd consider, say, the top ten breast shots/essays in publication. Sure, singles count. What is your all-time favorite celebrity shot? Please, nude only.

Thanks,

Norman Jack

Santa Cruz, Calif.

Dear Norm:

What do you think women are, pieces of MEAT?

Bo Derek's hooters are dang near perfect.

Yo Joe Bob,

I woke up this morning and had a hunch I'm dead. So I figure I need someone with the understanding of a DEAD guy so I write you. I saw "Deadbeat at Dawn" on your four-star advice. Have to tell ya' I ain't seen better acting since I saw the old JAPANESE deaf Flicks. (Ever seen kung-fuis do sign language words a minute after they're done speaking?) The only reason I'm writing is 'cause, heck, after five hours that grass ain't growing any higher. If I'm going ta' HECK anyway, I might as well keep up the tradition of Eternal Suffering so send me some advice for us mentally deficient dead dudes. (I hope Michael Jackson don't buy my bones.) Gotta go. I mean really gotta go.

Yo Later,

Jason Gilliland

Grove City, O.

Dear Jason:

Don't you ever LEARN anything at the movies. If you were paying attention, you'd know that Jason NEVER dies.

Dear, dear Mr. Joe, or may I call you Bob?,

I love your interest (casual I'm sure) in whether or not frontal female nudity is involved in the "plot." I just thought you'd like to know I too am a media watch person, but of course I'm more interested in full frontal (and I mean full) male nudity, which is more scarce than hen's teeth. I tell you, boy, buns yes, acres of buns, boy butts, male bottoms, etc., but very little w-----. And I do mean little, perhaps a quick glimpse, a shadowy silhouette. Well, Joe honey, it's just not enough you know. It's bad enough that the movie/t.v. industry is hetero-male breast-titillating voyeurism, it is so boring, year after year. It must be some form of homophobia. What are you guys so frightened of showing male genitals? I mean just because a few feminists are frightened of them doesn't mean they are somehow bad things and unattractive. Their main function is love and pleasure. So why should us lovers of the goddess's sense of art suffer so? Show more men parts, more maleness-ess. Come on Hollywood!

P.S. Dear Bob, have you ever posed nude? If so, send me many!

Thanks,

Artista

San Francisco

Dear Artista:

I've never received a letter in a Bette Davis accent before. I didn't even know it was possible.

Dear Joe Bob:

Whether you know it or not, you have contributed to basic English. "Fu" as a noun following the descriptive adjective is now commonplace. Congratulations. Just be careful of "Briggs Fu."

Cordially,

Jerome

San Rafael, Calif.

Dear Jerome:

I encourage Briggs Fu, but only for people who are properly trained.

Mr. Joe Bob Briggs:

Well, Joe Bob, if you think El Paso should just smile and grit its teeth about your critique of the Miss USA Pagent, you have been watching too many "****'s Check it out!"

In the first place, I beleave a beauty contest by any name is a contest to see who is the most beautiful. Do contestants have to have a degree in anything? Do they have to be able to communicate with any nerd who happens to be master of ceremonies and who happens to have his or her own "cause" riding the coat tails of the pageant?

I am the mother of three grown sons and have had more than a few beauties paraded before me, so I am not a novice at recognizing what might be a beautiful girl.

It just so happens I concur with the judges--the lady from Texas was the most beautiful in the pageant, and she won. Wonders never cease do they?

Go back to the chainsaw bloodlettings and stop trying to belittle the Miss USA Pageant and our fair city!

Sincerely yours,

Ima McAleer

El Paso

Dear Ima:

I believe you. I believe that the Texas girl is ALWAYS the prettiest one in the pageant, and always wears a French-cut bikini better than the gals from all the 49 other states. I was AGREEING with you that the Texas contestant should always win, no matter how bad it looks on TV. That's the Texas way.

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