By Joe Bob Briggs
Once a year me and Chubb Fricke do the annual Grapevine, Texas, Restaurant Review, where we personally dine three times at ever single restaurant in town, award our star ratings, and pick our teeth a lot. Chubb, who slimmed down this year to a svelte 330 pounds, sometimes gets so excited that he actually speaks. Here we go with this year's results:
McDonald's #8741: A couple weeks ago they introduced the new McCHeez Whiz, which is a grilled cheese sandwich wrapped in Velveeta with a ritz cracker on each end holding it together and two toothpicks through it, enclose in a polyurethane non-biodegradable McBox. I gave it two stars on the peanut-butter-and-jelly scale. Chubb forgot to take the toothpicks out and gave it three stars. Also check out the new McGoatburger, but only if you're Meskin.
Sonic on Main: This is the one with the new Dempster Dumpster out back, where they still wrap hot dogs in grease paper, but nobody cares cause the waitresses, three of the Henderson sisters plus Velda "Doorknob" Slatts, will do anything.
Burger King #476: We pigged out on the new Fiesta Chili Stick, which has a three-inch coating of Stokeley Van Camp's pork and beans spread up and down a foot-long metal rod coated with self-adhesive Hamburger Helper. Get one at the drive-through and watch those dogs scatter!
Eat: The Eat Restaurant used to be called "eat Here" but Ernest McPhee lost have his neon one night in a tornado. It's the only place left out on the old federal highway, because the major competition, "Good Food," went out of business last year. The special for the last three weeks has been banana-nu8t-steak, and it'll stay on special through August when they expect to run out of it. It's a Polynesian dish that tastes like a Polynesian.
Wal-Mart Snack Bar: The blue-plate on the day we went there was Macaroni Teriyaki Loaf, which tastes roughly like a pit bulldog that's been put through a blender. We washed it down with Orangeade, sopped up the juice with a two-pound broccoli cornbread muffin and told the ladies in blue skullcaps how much we enjoyed watchin em slop mashed potatoes with an ice cream scooper and fling carrot juice all over the old people.
Pedro's Mister Taco: We wound up our gourmet tour at the last restaurant left on the town square, and looked at the menu for a good 10, 15 seconds before deciding on the "Chihuahua No. 7." It consists of three cheese burritos wrapped in a flour tortilla, two tamales folded into a flour tortilla, three cheese enchiladas in a flour tortilla, guacamole-in-a blanket, six flour tortillas wrapped in a corn tortilla (for those watching their weight), and a four-pound char-broiled chihuahua. Be sure to ask for extra tortillas if you're having the chihuahua fajitas. Twelve is not enough! In the words of Chubb Fricke as we finished the evening, "Es muy bow-wow."
Speaking of flour tortillas, Angie Dickinson takes all her clothes off in BIG BAD MAMA II--yes, they've finally made the sequel after 15 years--but let's face it, we're talking stunt breasts. In fact, we're talking stunt thighs, stunt knees, and stunt hiney. Don't worry about it, though, cause if we had to really look at her, then we might have to look at the guy she's aardvarking with--Robert Culp.
I love Angie in this movie, for doing a Texas accent with a straight face, for taking a bubble bath with a gun, and for delivering the following line: "Honey, your Mama may not always be right, but Mama will always be Mama."
Yes, you guess it, it's Roger Corman again, kind of the drive-in, spending tens and twenties of dollars to bring this sequel to life, starting out when Angie and her two huge-breasted daughters watch their daddy get blown away by the evil banker and continuing through 124 scenes of Machine Gun City until Angie takes a bath, followed by 64 scenes of Machine Gun City until Angie takes Robert Culp to bed, followed by 38 scenes of Machine Gun City, followed by one scene of Exploding Backlot. Even though it was directed by Jim Wynorski, who became world famous for the classic CHOPPING MALL, all the motor vehicle chases and kaplooey scenes were directed by Linda Shayne, better know as Bootsie Good head in the drive-in classic SCREWBALLS. Botosie, who hates for me to call her Bootsie and will probly write a letter complaining about me calling her Bootsie--like I say, Bootsie delivers some fine rat-a-tat-tat ai-yee blood-splatter dead-copper footage. It's a really decent picture.
Six breasts. Two stunt breasts. 56 dead bodies. Five motor vehicle chases. Double aardvarking. Five shootouts. One kidnapping. One bank robbery. One party robbery. One armored-truck robbery. One state-fair robbery. One brawl. One cat fight. Exploding car. Exploding house. Exploding gubernatorial candidate. Gratuitous belly dancer. Dynamite Fu. Angie Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Robert Culp, as teh reporter from back East, for saying "You bathe with that thing?"; and "You konw, your little girls have grown up"; Angie for saying "No, my little girls have grown out; it's not the same thing"; Jim Wynorski, the director, for making a decent sequel; and Bootsie, for being Bootsie.
Three and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.