by Joe Bob Briggs
I had to take Rhett Beavers out to the faith healer in Mabank last week or else I would had this sooner. A lot of you turkeys have been writing saying, "Hey , what the hey, where the hey is the 1983 Drive-in Academy awards?" and I'd just like to point out that I don't take this responsibility lightly. This is not any Hollywood indoor bullstuff deal, where they wheel'em from Palm Springs every year to cast ballots for people who send out hams in the mail. This is not any teensy-wensy-screen TV jerkola banquet where they listen to Herb Alpert play "Oh what a feeling." This is a legit deal. This is for the non-Communist drive-in going public of America. You know what I'm talking about. It's that time of year again. It's time to give out Hubbies. (Junior Bodine's shop out in Mineral Wells did a great job this year engraving the Chevy hubcaps. He only had to cross out the letters five or six times.) Okay, let's get down to the nitty.
BEST ACTOR:
Chuck Bronson ("10 to Midnight"), blowing scum off the streets and saying and saying lines like "I hate quiche."
Vic Morrow ("1990 The Bronx Warriors"): Remember when he rides in with 900 guys carrying industrial-strength blowtorches and orders them to burn the eyes out of everybody they see?
Bruce Campbell "(The Evil Dead"), who makes the mistake of not chainsawing his girlfriend after she turns zombie on him.
Christopher Walken ("Dead Zone"), the geek schoolteacher who runs his VW bug into a milk truck and doesn't wake up for five years and ten his eyes bug out like a katydid and he starts twitching around the room.
Wings Hauser ("Deadly Force"), kicking hineys all over the Elephant-Man therapy institute.
AND THE WINNER IS: (DRUM ROLL MAESTRO PLEASE)
Big Chuck, of course.
BEST ACTRESS:
Kathryn McNeil ("The House on Sorority Row"), making like Jamie Lee Curtis.
Lynda Speciale ("Screwballs"), for her moving performance as Purity Busch, the ice queen and official school virgin.
Ellen Sandweiss ("The Evil Dead"), the bimbo who gets raped by the forest.
Monique St. Pierre ("Stryker"), the garbonza woman forced to fight it out with the bald-headed fu-mancu hookarm turkey.
Corinne Alphen ("Spring Break"), the brunette Penthouse Pet of the Year who sings "Do It To You" and makes all the guys smash Miller cans on their heads.
AND THE WINNER IS:
Monique, for her enormous talent.
BEST BEAST:
Miles O'Keeffe ("Ator the Fighting Eagle"), the beefcake Tarzan turned barbarian, trying to keep his breechcloth on.
The 300-pound Baby Huey in "Midnight" who hangs around the graveyard and carves up Babtist preachers.
Lou Ferrigno ("Hercules"), the man has veins like a road map of Louisiana.
Little Howard ("Deathstalker"), the household pet in a basket that only eats human eyes and fingers.
Christine ("Christine"), drop a cigarette on the upholstery, and this '58 Plymouth Fury might have to dump your body in a Goodwill box.
AND THE WINNER IS:
Christine, for the best performance by a motor vehicle in history.
BEST KUNG FU:
Jim Kelly ("One Down Two To Go"), shoe leather to the groin on 14 white guys.
Johnny Yune ("They call me Bruce?"), he got his black belt in a state where they just have a written test.
Fred Williamson (1990 The Bronx Warriors"), Fred against eight punkola freaks on roller skates.
Jacky Chan ("Eagle's Shadow"), master of the snake style and cat's-claw, who thwocks and whooshes his way through 15 complete fight scenes including everything from one-on-one to eight-on-two, then grabs Old Goat-Hair in the place we can't talk about in the newspaper and watches the turkey.
Sho Kosugi ("Revenge of the Ninja"), kicking in the heads of punkola wierdos in the park, Ninja warriors, Mafia guys, using hands, feet, Nunchakus, blades, throwing stars, and those little pointy things that look like jacks but make your face look like it caught on fire and somebody put it out with a meat tenderizer.
AND THE WINNER IS:
Sho Kosugi, teh only actor ever to win a high-speed chase when he didn't even have a car.
BEST SUPPORTED ACTRESS (FORMERLY BEST CHEST):
Sabrina Siani ("Ator the Fighting Eagle"), bleach blond Amazon bimbo who wins the contest when they tie up Miles O'Keffe and have a nude mud-wrestling match to see who get to be his sex object for one night.
"High Test Girls", the entire cast, 83 full exposures from Lisa Roberston, Nancy Patricks, Polly Quigley, Sherri Richards, Kathy Close.
Linda Shaayne ("Screwballs"), Bootsie Goodhead herself, who made movie history in the now famous drive-in scene when the nerd jumps out the back of the van and the door catches on Bootsie's halter top and she has to rub her breasts against the back window for a full minute.
Betsy Russell ("Private School"), teh blonde witch bimbo who like aerobic dancing leotards, underwire bras, group showers, and Lady Godiva imitations.
Barbie Benton ("Deathstaker"), chained to the wall in a see-through nightie while extras from the "Planet of The Apes" fight over groceries.
Ashley Ferrare ("Revenge of the Ninja"), teh blonde who demonstrates bimbo-fu at its finest.
AND THE WINNER IS:
Bootsie Goodhead, the one and only.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECT
"Midnight", the women-in-dog-cages scene, where they get fattened up ofr Baby Huey blood-drinking scene.
"Timerider", first motocross western, where Lyle Swann gets time-zapped into 1877 by the Reagan Administration.
"High Test Girls", 12 complete bouncing breast in one shot while the bimbos are running nekkid through the woods; still unknown how they found a camera that could handle it.
"Screwballs", the famous bowling-alley scene where the ball gets stuck on an important anatomic part of stuntman Alan Daveau's and the explosion that gets it off.
"Wavelength", when the bald-headed space babies come to life in their sterilized barrels in a secret laboratory underneath Hollywood.
"Deathstalker", when the magician turns the Stalker into a Barbi Benton look-alike and he nearly dies of chest pains.
"Amityville 3-D" when Candy Clark burns up on camera.
"Escape 2000" Olivia Hussey's stunt breasts in the shower scene.
AND THE WINNER IS:
"Screwballs" for the bowling ball levitation scene.
BEST GROSS-OUT SCENE
"They Call me Bruce?", the part about the guy who gets his jollies out of being whipped on the back by Margaux Hemingway; not a pretty sight.
"Ator the Fighting Eagle", the tarantula torture scene.
"Bloodsucking Freaks", when the doctor decides to do "a little elective neurosurgery" with a power drill while he's humming "The Marriage of Figaro."
"Madman", when Madman puts Dave's head between the carburator and the fan belt on Betsy's truck and turns his face into a pizza.
"The House on Sorority Row", head-in-teh-toilet scene.
AND THE WINNER IS:
"Madman," for terminal engine trouble.
BEST PICTURE:
"Hell's Angels Forever", documentary of the year, with a lot to say about the correct role of women in society today; best on-camera use of a ball peen hammer.
"The Evil Dead", Spam in a cabin.
"Revenge of the Ninja", every kind of kung fu known to man.
"Deathstalker", starring Barbi Benton's upper torso and a Miles O'Keeffe look-alike who goes around throwing spears through people.
"Screwballs", most imaginative use of female breasts, best Porky's ripoff. v AND THE WINNER IS:
"The Evil Dead", was there ever any doubt?
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NOW FOR THIS WEEK'S REVIEW "NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES"
"Night of the Zombies" is this flick about a SWAT team in Italy that blows away some terrorists and then decides to go the jungles of New Guinea to find out why everybody down there at the chemical research center is turning into zombies. What the hey, they just has a little genetic DNA accident, and now these rats are eating off people's faces and all the lab assistants are turning zombie and chewing off each other's shoulders. But when the SWAT team gets over there with this blonde-bimbo TV reporter, they find out that a lot of the jungle tribes have turned into Buckwheat zombies and making little boys eat their daddies and stuff like that and the only way to get rid of 'em is to use a shotgun on their brains until they disappear. Meanwhile all the zombie natives start eating dead people and the bimbo decides she needs to stop this by painting big white circles on her breasts so they'll think she's one of them, but then things get a little too nasty when the zombies want to eat her fingers and so she has to escape with the SWAT team in a four-wheel drive vehicle and then take this Evinrude out to the island where the research center is, and then they have to fight about 9,000 Buckwheat zombies at once.
We are talking seven breasts. Maggot close-ups. Forty-six dead bodies. One motor vehicle chase. Five on-camera vomiting scenes. Heads roll. Hands roll. Fingers roll. Forearms roll. Intestines roll. Seven Quarts of blood. Two soldiers eaten alive. Two rat dinners. Two and a half stars. Joe Bob says check this sucker out.
© 1984 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved